I had added this post the resolving conflicts by mistake, so I decided to re-posted on EN, to sorry if you see it twice. Moderators, I did not know how to move it, sorry.

I feel that I am riding a rollercoaster ride now, and don't know when is it going to stop. My previous post explains my problems on detail, but here is the compress version of it.

During our first years of marriage, he was not big on the romance, but he demonstrate how much he cared for me, complimented me once in a while; then the kids came and things started to change. He stop complimenting me and started criticizing me, telling how ugly I dress or how bad a look, how fat I am, etc. Basically, he started to insult me, my intelligence and been disrespectful. Everything I said or did was wrong, he actually expected to change ME, who I am and tried to make the person he wanted me to be. When all of this started I literally switch him off, ignored his outbursts and stop talking to him, I mean a stop having intimate conversations with him. We started to live in a cordial relationship, we talked about the house and the kids, but I just stop listening to him and accepting his “Advice”, (I have never been a person that accepts criticism and/or rules easy, those were the main problems with my parents when I was growing up).

All of these resulted in us growing apart, I know I Love him, but I lost the passion and he killed my romantic side. I started to look for places to go and friends to talk to, even go out with the kids, so we would have to spend all time together. I have never been unfaithful, but I started to reconnect with my old friends, started to search via websites, for my old classmates and friends. I reconnect with some good friends and basically distant myself from my marriage, I am not proud of this, and accept my faults on this. My H says he started to feel my detachment and even suspected that I had an affair (which I did not), started checking my emails and other accounts. Well, he found a couple of emails that I wrote to a friend of mine (this is a male friend for many years now, that he knows of and that leaves in another country), which had a few comments that I am not proud of.

He felt hurt and offended, confronted me, and we had a fight. I told him how I felt from all the time that he mistreat me, even abuse me verbally, he was surprise that I felt that way since I never said anything before, accepted his faults where they were do and promise me that he is going to change.

Well he has changed completed, he wants to devote his time to showing me just how much he has changed, caressing me, kissing me, holding me, talking w/me....my problem is that he just seems to have shoved everything on a drawer, lock it and forget it. I cannot do that, it is not easy for me just forgive, forget and pick up my life like nothing has ever happen. He is mad because he says that if I asked for all the things he is doing, why have I not just embrace it? I feel that I need time to work my ISSUES out and really need to know if I can trust the changes; I cannot just shove everything under the rug and forget. I need for my mind and my heart to reconcile and start accepting again.

I do not want a divorce or even a separation, we can work our problems out, patch and rebuild our relationship, but it cannot be done ovenight. I kind of mention to him that I wanted to come to a forum for couples and see if we could get advice, and he told me that all the advice I need is with him, that I do not need to asked strangers for advice, since he can give me all the advice I need. I feel that he thinks that I am incapable of thinking for myself, and that he needs to guide me.

Am I wrong on trying to work on the old issues first, resolve them, before we can pick up and move forward? He does not even allow me to have a relaxing time on my own, for him my relaxation should be listening to his music, (since mine it is too noisy), having a conversation, even when it is nothing to talk about, and of course sex which is the cure to all the problems of the world. If I attempt to read a book or watch a show on TV he gets mad. I believe there should be friendship in a relationship, but I also believe that a person should have a some sort of privacy, a ME time, but he does not allow it and if I attempt to take it, then I am trying to avoid, not wanting to talk to him and not wanting to change and repair the broken pieces of our relationship.

Am I wrong in needing time for myself? In wanting to relax with a good book? Please does anybody else have any suggestion on how can I move on from this feeling of been control to having a friend that accepts me for me, who I am and not what he wants me to be.

I apologize for the long letter, but need it to express my feelings and see if anybody else knows what can I do?

Thank you for taking your time and reading this.

Welcome to MB! Don't get discouraged if you don't get much response at first, this is your time to learn about the Basic Concepts and getting a plan together to apply them. There is a lot of reason to have hope in your situation.

How would you feel about adding a "sig line" with your ages, years married, kids' ages?

What really resonated with you when you read the Basic Concepts that you'd like to implement? Are you ready to get your plan together?

Thank you, I am new but this is not my first post, I started posting a few weeks back, I had my posted the first time on RC, and was told to try EN. This is my 2nd one.

I do not want to add the info at the bottom for personal reasons, but to answer your questions, (all of this was on my original post), I am 42, Husband is 47, being married for 21 years, have 2 girls (15 & 10).

Thank you again. And I am not expecting an outpour of advice and/or suggestions, but something would be nice.

Thank you again.

SoccerMommy

The advice here is to start with Love Busters (LBs). What LBs have you identified that you are willing to work on?

As a suggestion, how about starting with Disrespectful Judgments (DJs)? You say things like, "Is it wrong to want to read a book?" No, this stuff is not good or bad, it just is. The alternative to Disrepectful Judgements is Respectful persuasion. Let me know if you need a link once you're done with the Basic Concepts. The articles harley writes IMHO are gold and have valuable information for everyone. For example, if Christmas is something that you have no issue with in your house, read the Q&A "Is Chritmas Ruining Your Marriage?" anyway, because it has ideas that you can apply to reading books and watching TV.

How about asking your H, "What would make you enthusiastic about me reading a book here while you watch the game?" I like how LA quote that 98% of problems are not to be resolved, but understood.

Ears open:

Thank you I am reading this concepts any time I have a free time at the office. Like I said I cannot do it at home, I actually suggested we buy the CDs for HNHN and listen to them together, and he told me that if I wanted to buy them to go ahead, but the did not have the answers to our problems.

I have done that, he actually spends time on the computer every night, (since he has a home business that he does part time), and I have attempted to read my book while he is at that, but he still gets mad, because what I read are novels (Romantic and Suspense), and he things that they are just dumb, that I should spend my time, exercising or studying, instead of just wasting my time on those. Or better yet, just to seat there watch him work or help him with whatever his business is, which I have tried, but "I am too stupid to render my opinion, or to do numbers", then he pushes me away and ask to not help just to watch.

So now tell me what to do? My ways of relaxing are not good for him. His relaxing tools are to have SEX every time there is an stress moment, even though I like it, it is not my solution to evertyhing. I need to be by myself sometimes, but he does not let me. Like I said, right now we are good 3 days and bad the 2 after that.

When we argue, everything bounces back to the main problem what had happened in the past. He claims he Trust with me, but when he sees an email from a friend, any friend male or female, he gets mad because I should just stop communicate with my friends, that how can he trust me if I do not help him? When I ask him why then he says he trusts me if he does not, then he says that it is because I broke his heart with the comments he read from the email, and because I stop talking to him. Then the past comes back, when I explain that I stopped talking to him because of the way he was abusing me (verbally), then gets mad because I am bringing back the past and all he wants to talk about is the future. But is it the past what he brings when he mentions the email?

How can we stop bouncing back in this circle?. My nerves cannot take it anymore, my Migraine has not gone away for the past 2 weeks and I already told him that what is happening it is not healthy for any of us, including the kids.

He asked the kids if they tought I still loved him, and my oldest told him that YES, but that she though he did not LOVE ME anymore, since all he wants is to fight with me. My youngest told me just last night, that she love her Daddy, but that he is wrong on the way he talks to me and that all he does is fight and argue everytime woth me. I told him that so he would understand how this is affecting them too much. He look really confused at that and said that I had the girls on my side, and he has nobody. The kids are no Stupid, especially the oldest, they do not know everything that has happened but the can see that something major has happened and have decided to pitch my side (their decision, not mine).

Thank you for listening to my complains and frustations, sorry for the long post.

Soccer Mommy

Soccer, these emails with a friend, I am wondering if it was what is considered an Emotional Affair (EA) here. What do you think? If so, then it's really specific how couples get through that. Folks recover successfully from this every day. But like you said, not with the constant arguing. Maybe you want to start with Dr. H's Surviving Infidelity articles. They adress all these issues you talked about.

If you're not enthusiastic about studying, exercising, or watching him work, makes sense, there may be hundreds of other things that you like doing. When he DJs about the romance/suspense books, are you O&H about how his DJs make withdrawals for you?

No one person has the right to tell another person that what they do or like is wrong.

He is trying to control you. He probably is insecure and is afraid that you will leave him, so he criticizes you and tries to make you spend all your time with him, so you don't feel entitled to your own time. You ARE entitled to like the books you like. To seek help if you need it. Don't let him tell you otherwise.

If he tells you your books are stupid, ask him 'Do you believe that my thoughts are wrong?' If he says no, then you say 'Then my thoughts are that I like to read these books, so they are not stupid.' Don't let him intimidate you.

However, if you are like most couples, having children changed a lot of things in your life. Being a controlling person, you spending time on the kids, and not him, scared him. So he tried even harder to control you by criticizing you. But you withdrew, too.

The solution is to make sure he gets what he needs from this marriage, and you do, too. As suggested, learn about Love Busters. Ask him what you do that he doesn't like and if it's reasonable (ask us), stop doing it.

Once you have eliminated LBs, learn what his Emotional Needs are, and make sure you are supplying them for him. He needs to feel reassured that you aren't going to leave him. Do that. But don't give up who you are; be honest with him when he hurts you.

Thank you for the replies, in response to some of your questions.

The first email might have been an EA (even though it was more like me ranting about his treatment towards me), but the other emails are from anybody, example, my cousin send an email with a prayer yesterday, it was one of those that ask you to forward them to x amount of people. It said to Copy and Paste instead of forward. Well I did that and send him a copy of the prayer. Later during the day I decided to clean my inbox because it had too many unimportant emails, and I deleted the original email, he was "Curious" as to who sent me the original email since it did not have the long list of people, apparently he did not read the whole thing, and he went into my email and could not see the one that I received on my inbox, when I told him who had send it and why he could not see the original one, then I was hiding things from him, I am a liar and we started all over again and how could he be sure that I was telling him the thru, etc, etc.

I mean on Saturday, we made a date, left the girls at home, and went out. Had a nice dinner and since the weather had turn for the good, even went walking at a park, hel my hand and we talk, just talk about everything. We had been good since then, and then this "Mysterious email" came and we went back to square one.

what you do that he doesn't like and if it's reasonable, stop doing it?

Well, as per his criteria, I read too many books, watch to much TV, spent to much time fooling with my ME time, while I should spend it "Talking to HIM", even when he is in the computer for 2 hours. He apologizes everytime he knows he has done something wrong, but how much more can I take? He does not want outside help, since he seems to think that he can solve all the problems, and that all we need to do is talk, talk, talk. Sometimes I really have nothing to talk about, I had already told him, what I had done, who I had spoken too, and even what the girls schedule is, then I just want to relax by reading or watching a good show or movie, but then I should relax by having sex, because that is the cure to life.

He does not see it as controling but as "trying to ber closer to me", he just thinks that if I do not talk to him it is because I am hidding something and/or trying to play with him, emotional playing with him. Even when I am quiet wants to know what I am thinking? and why do I not tell him my thoughts, no matter what they are?

I am so frustated that I am going crazy.

He has severe insecurity issues. You can't change that. All you can do is establish your OWN boundaries about what you will and won't accept. Let him know what those boundaries are. And then stick to them.

First, go get the book The Dance of Anger. It will help you learn how to set boundaries without making him afraid that it means you don't love him (which he will almost certainly think).

Your husband thought that all was going well in his marriage for a significant time, when it wasn’t going well at all. So he has been caught off guard--a little surprised by what happened.

The real problem was that you were withholding information. You lied a lot and he was pretty blind to it--in fact he had to go find out on his own, to spy on you--you had become detached and he suspected an affair. You have a lot of work to do to become more candid with your husband, more open and more safe with each other.

You need to learn how share how you feel with your husband. You need to put it all out there--and keep putting it out there until he gets it. If he isn't getting it then try something different. Both of you have to be involved in this. This is all about communication. Build your communication skills until neither of you feels any worry about the sharing of everything.