Marriage Builders
Posted By: lildoggie 50 signs your spouse is having an Affair - 03/20/10 03:23 AM
Taken from an archive only thread by Triumph2
Original thread here
Feel free to add to it.

50 Indicators of Infidelity.

1. A sudden upturn in their demeanor or outlook on life.
2. Constantly late.
3. More possessive toward wallet, pocket calendar or briefcase.
4. Comes home more often with alcohol on breath.
5. Starts talking about getting together with old friends they haven't seen in years.
6. Starts shopping for new clothes.
7. Starts taking a renewed interest in their appearance.
8. Starts keeping an overnight bag in their car or office, ostensibly for a workout or a game of tennis.
9. Orders dishes or new household items never ordered before.
10. Does not look at other women/men as much as they used to.
11. Starts working late and on holidays and weekends.
12. Express opinions on subjects that they never had an interest in.
13. Takes a new interest in anticipated schedule.
14. Encourages you to visit parents or friends alone.
15. They give you gifts that show a new level of taste or insight about the opposite sex.
16. Car is kept free of paraphernalia belonging to you or the kids.
17. Starts attending extended seminars or conventions.
18. Start using new words and phrases.
19. At odd hours they start remembering things they forgot to do at the office.
20. They suggest that you open up separate checking accounts.
21. Often forget to wear wedding ring.
22. Takes the dog for much longer walks.
23. Makes more phone calls late at night.
24. A marked change of attitude towards secretary, colleagues or friends.
25. Suddenly takes up new hobbies or friends that take them out of the house in the evenings and weekends.
26. They talk about a movie they've seen but you have not.
27. They insist on answering the phone.
28. They call out a different name in sleep.
29. Smell of a different soap from the brand at home and/or you smell freshly showered at 1.00am.
30. They care about how breath smells. New mints, gum, etc. found around house.
31. Uses pre-paid calling card/pager/cell phone for the first time ever.
32. Loses a lot of weight and seems proud of new body.
33. Saddest list item is: change in die-hard pro-life feelings on abortion.
34. Gut feeling. The biggest indicator of an affair is just feeling that it is so.
35. Juvenile behavior and music interests!!!
36. Uses more kid slang than the kids!!!!!
37. Knows all the new pop singers and has CD's.
38. When they lose stuff they accuses you of gettting into their "stuff"....
39. Uses the ATM way too much!
40. All of a sudden, their attitude about people who cheat changes, e.g., "we shouldn't judge because we don't know their whole story."
41."It wasn't a dinner date - it was just a way of saying thank you for carpooling"
42."I never lied about being married - she never asked me, so I just didn't bring it up"
43. Grocery shopping and other excuses to get out "alone."
44.The one difference is that my Wife wants our kids to like the other person because in the back of her head she thinks she will be with him. Very sickening. !!!!!!!!!!!
45. Carries toothpaste, toothbrush, mouthwash at all times.
46. When other person is co-worker, can't wait to get to work each day .
47. Becomes great friends with people going through divorce.
48. Defends other who are/have/will cheat(ed/ing).
49. Distances themselves from those with strong (any) moral values.
50. Gets "coded" pager messages at all times of the day and night
Posted By: Pariah Re: 50 signs your spouse is having an Affair - 03/20/10 12:38 PM
51. Tries to have someone kill you
#33 is so sad and also true.

Some of the intercepted emails between my wife and her "friends" said that if my wife got pregnant she would just get an abortion.

This from a lifelong pro-life very religious person.

#52 Starts to spend a great deal of time on the computer in a separate room.

#53 Phone bill goes up.

I don't think either of these are on there.
Posted By: Carka Re: 50 signs your spouse is having an Affair - 03/20/10 02:44 PM
#54 Loses patience with spouse easily.
My husband did this with me.

#55 Becomes very defensive.
#5 CONSTANTLY criticizes his or her BS.

#57 Confuses the term "happy" with the term "self gratfication"

Posted By: Pariah Re: 50 signs your spouse is having an Affair - 03/20/10 03:23 PM
#56 Becomes extremely religious (remember "god" wants them to be "happy")
Posted By: Tom2010 Re: 50 signs your spouse is having an Affair - 03/20/10 03:35 PM
No. 26. That has not happened to me, but Ow!

No. 58. Does not remind you of your drs. sppt. coming up; Forgets you even have a drs. appt.

No. 59. Asks passively how your day was, then quickly changes the subject.
60. Encourages spouse to "get out more" and to " get a life".
Posted By: SidneyT Re: 50 signs your spouse is having an Affair - 03/20/10 04:35 PM
#61. Changes ring tone on phone to silent (to silence the MANY texts and calls coming in daily) and never puts their phone down...even when going to the bathroom or sleeping.
Posted By: Mulan Re: 50 signs your spouse is having an Affair - 03/20/10 06:03 PM
Originally Posted by Bob_Pure
60. Encourages spouse to "get out more" and to " get a life".


Exactly. "I wouldn't mind if YOU went out with a male friend . . . why should you mind if I go out with a female friend?"
Originally Posted by SidneyT
#61. Changes ring tone on phone to silent (to silence the MANY texts and calls coming in daily) and never puts their phone down...even when going to the bathroom or sleeping.

Uh, ya.
Clears texts daily on a regular basis.
Changes passwords on device and on-line accounts.
#62. Accuses you of "spying/checking up/following me around" just for showing up unexpected. Even to your own house.
Posted By: atena Re: 50 signs your spouse is having an Affair - 03/20/10 06:41 PM
Yep, mine said...you will find another man that will make you very happy as I was unable to.
Yep, changed password on cell phone and kept cell phone always with him.

another one my WH did: cuts all ties with old friends and starts not making plans for the future with me.
Posted By: atena Re: 50 signs your spouse is having an Affair - 03/20/10 06:44 PM
Yep, that's a good one...the line he always pulled was: you never trusted me!
One of the messages OW sent him (I red did when I was snooping and finally found out who she was) was: I trust you.
So he must have confided in her that the big problem I had is that i did not trust him.
Isn't this crazy..? I mean he was telling her I did not trust him while he was boiking her! Wow, and she must have said: how can your wife not trust you...you are such a nice guy!
Yuk
blessing
Posted By: SidneyT Re: 50 signs your spouse is having an Affair - 03/20/10 07:23 PM
Originally Posted by atena
starts not making plans for the future with me.

Yep. We had planned for months and months on taking a family vacation to a resort down south, except WH never wanted to get the reservations or commit to it (always had an excuse). Now I know it was because he never planned on taking that trip with me. He and DD now have the reservations and plan on going without me.
#63 Starts getting short with the kids.

#64 Starts accusing BS of cheating.
Posted By: Tom2010 Re: 50 signs your spouse is having an Affair - 03/20/10 10:56 PM
Well #62 could be...Encourages you to feel free watch more sports on tv

But on other hand, what would be the counteractive measures:

1. Tentavely ask her for a date.
2. Tell her that she didn't remind you of your drs. appt.
3. Prepare her/your favorite dish
4. Get some candles, put in bath and bedroom and let her set them up and light them
5. Tell her yea she has a sexy butt, but her panty line shows
6. Just simply say you have that headach still..
or
7. Bend her over that table and tell her 'he will not do this to you'..


Oh just some thoughts....
5.
I doubt if this goes on the list, but....

"We're growing apart" (often followed by):
"You've become more conservative, and I've become more liberal"
I've been getting that around here since this whole thing started.

...Really? ...Liberal? Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
hmmm think

opt
Posted By: reading Re: 50 signs your spouse is having an Affair - 03/21/10 04:11 AM
Yup to a few of those and one more

they stop having sex with you.

I thought it was impotence caused by middle age or some health issue and just never ever ever thought it was due to him doing it with someone else. Silly me. smile or is it frown

smile
Here's some crazy stuff my ex did in about a 4 day period leading up to the ILUBNILWU speech:

1. Got extremely angry with DS5 when he didn't do well at a horse show

2. Forgot to pick me up from my vasectomy - she had to help POSOM with an emergency with his horses

3. Refused to have a picture of all 4 of us taken at a family reunion picnic

4. Took me shopping with her to buy sexy lingerie.

5. The I've changed, I'm a horse trainer now lead up to ILUBNILWU.



Changes all passwords on email account and delets all text messages "because you are snooping" not because he is hiding something.
Opens FB account without your knowledge because "you don't have to be part of everything do you" and puts the security settings so high you can't even search for his name.
Opens up second email account without your knowledge.
Tells you one version of a story and his family a different one so that they are starting to doubt you.
"We have changed" - Really? I hadn't at that point - so it must have been him.
Bringing up his new best female friend in our separation conversation and then telling me "our break up has nothing to do with another woman" - I actually believe that's correct at this stage - it was "other WOMEN"

God, the list is endless...
Posted By: SusieQ Re: 50 signs your spouse is having an Affair - 03/21/10 12:25 PM
Quote
7. Starts taking a renewed interest in their appearance.

examples of what my H did under #7:
* starts using contacts
* starts whitening teeth
* spends long time in bathroom before going to work (OW was a coworker)


My H's red-flag behavior before dday:
* erratic driving, blew through a stop sign
* constantly grumpy, engaged in minimal conversation w/me&kids (blamed it on stress when asked what was wrong)
* didn't want involvement with events for the kids, like parent day at the school
* constantly running out for errands, coffee, gas etc (so that he could make phone calls to OW)


Re ILYBINILWY: My H's version of this speech was "our relationship has turned into friendship over time"...
I thought I would compile the list into a complete one for all of the new Bs's to follow

Quote
Indicators of Infidelity.

1. A sudden upturn in their demeanor or outlook on life.
2. Constantly late.
3. More possessive toward wallet, pocket calendar or briefcase.
4. Comes home more often with alcohol on breath.
5. Starts talking about getting together with old friends they haven't seen in years.
6. Starts shopping for new clothes.
7. Starts taking a renewed interest in their appearance.
8. Starts keeping an overnight bag in their car or office, ostensibly for a workout or a game of tennis.
9. Orders dishes or new household items never ordered before.
10. Does not look at other women/men as much as they used to.
11. Starts working late and on holidays and weekends.
12. Express opinions on subjects that they never had an interest in.
13. Takes a new interest in anticipated schedule.
14. Encourages you to visit parents or friends alone.
15. They give you gifts that show a new level of taste or insight about the opposite sex.
16. Car is kept free of paraphernalia belonging to you or the kids.
17. Starts attending extended seminars or conventions.
18. Start using new words and phrases.
19. At odd hours they start remembering things they forgot to do at the office.
20. They suggest that you open up separate checking accounts.
21. Often forget to wear wedding ring.
22. Takes the dog for much longer walks.
23. Makes more phone calls late at night.
24. A marked change of attitude towards secretary, colleagues or friends.
25. Suddenly takes up new hobbies or friends that take them out of the house in the evenings and weekends.
26. They talk about a movie they've seen but you have not.
27. They insist on answering the phone.
28. They call out a different name in sleep.
29. Smell of a different soap from the brand at home and/or you smell freshly showered at 1.00am.
30. They care about how breath smells. New mints, gum, etc. found around house.
31. Uses pre-paid calling card/pager/cell phone for the first time ever.
32. Loses a lot of weight and seems proud of new body.
33. Saddest list item is: change in die-hard pro-life feelings on abortion.
34. Gut feeling. The biggest indicator of an affair is just feeling that it is so.
35. Juvenile behavior and music interests!!!
36. Uses more kid slang than the kids!!!!!
37. Knows all the new pop singers and has CD's.
38. When they lose stuff they accuses you of gettting into their "stuff"....
39. Uses the ATM way too much!
40. All of a sudden, their attitude about people who cheat changes, e.g., "we shouldn't judge because we don't know their whole story."
41."It wasn't a dinner date - it was just a way of saying thank you for carpooling"
42."I never lied about being married - she never asked me, so I just didn't bring it up"
43. Grocery shopping and other excuses to get out "alone."
44.The one difference is that my Wife wants our kids to like the other person because in the back of her head she thinks she will be with him. Very sickening. !!!!!!!!!!!
45. Carries toothpaste, toothbrush, mouthwash at all times.
46. When other person is co-worker, can't wait to get to work each day .
47. Becomes great friends with people going through divorce.
48. Defends other who are/have/will cheat(ed/ing).
49. Distances themselves from those with strong (any) moral values.
50. Gets "coded" pager messages at all times of the day and night
51. Tries to have someone kill you
52. Starts to spend a great deal of time on the computer in a separate room
53. Phone bill goes up
54. Loses patience with spouse easily.
55. Becomes very defensive.
56. CONSTANTLY criticizes his or her BS
57. Confuses the term "happy" with the term "self gratfication"
58. Becomes extremely religious (remember "god" wants them to be "happy")
59. Does not remind you of your drs. sppt. coming up; Forgets you even have a drs. appt.
60. Asks passively how your day was, then quickly changes the subject.
61. Encourages spouse to "get out more" and to " get a life".
62. Changes ring tone on phone to silent (to silence the MANY texts and calls coming in daily) and never puts their phone down...even when going to the bathroom or sleeping.
63. Clears texts daily on a regular basis.
64. Changes passwords on device and on-line accounts
65. Accuses you of "spying/checking up/following me around" just for showing up unexpected. Even to your own house
66. Starts getting short with the kids
67. Starts accusing BS of cheating.
68. Says things like, "We're growing apart", "You've become more conservative, and I've become more liberal", "We/you have changed"
69. stop having sex with you.
70. Opens FB account without your knowledge because "you don't have to be part of everything do you" and puts the security settings so high you can't even search for his name.
71. Opens up second email account without your knowledge.
72. Tells you one version of a story and his family a different one so that they are starting to doubt you.
73. Stops telling you about their day.
74. Stops talking about that "friend" of the opposite sex
75. Uses the words, "we're just friends. Can't I have any friends? You just want me to be ALONE."
76. Tells you that you are boring/no longer fun.
77. Introduces new "positions"
78. Doesn't introduce you to new friends
79. Stops laughing and joking around with you.
80. Acts like a rebellious teenager.

That is a LONG list. I understand that all WS's won't exhibit ALL of these but they sure do exhibit MOST of them.
I had 11 of the first 50. Then added a few of my own. Of the next 20 that came in I had several more - especially the "friends" ones.

In retrospect, I only really needed one.

34. Gut Feeling.

opt
That's true Opt. But I didn't listen to the gut feeling because I was gaslighted. HORRIBLE. I don't believe my WH is a good liar, I am just a good believer.
Posted By: schtoop Re: 50 signs your spouse is having an Affair - 03/22/10 06:05 PM
Originally Posted by Going_Forward
#57 Confuses the term "happy" with the term "self gratfication"

#57 is the suck.

Going out drinking with (single) girl friends until all hours of the morning "makes me happy."

The affair "made me happy."

"I deserve to be happy."

Makes me want to punch myself in the nuts, repeatedly.
Quote
But I didn't listen to the gut feeling because I was gaslighted

That's why is said "in retrospect"
I read here something to the effect that BS's tend to minimize the situation with "it could have been worse" syndrome. Goes right along with not listening to your gut, IMV. I guess it's a protection mechanism. Me, I listened but not right away.

opt
Posted By: not2fun Re: 50 signs your spouse is having an Affair - 03/22/10 07:26 PM
Originally Posted by Scotland
I don't believe my WH is a good liar, I am just a good believer.
rotflmao......yep, me too!!!!!!

For fun I just decided to see how many of these list items my WH exhibited over the past 2 years. HMMMMMM out of 78 so far he exhibited 50. That makes me SICK. Well, I now KNOW better so I will DO better.
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