Just thought I'd share an odd facet of our recovery with anyone that's interested...comments and 2 X 4's are welcome as I know that this doesn't fit the mold...

I am a FWW that as of Monday July 18th was 5 weeks NC...the OM ended things very abruptly and harshly. I have known him since I was 13 years old (I'm 35 now) and I was completely baffled by his actions. I know that I had never known him in an affair before, but I had dated him off and on through high school and college and I just couldn't let it go. It's not that I wanted to be with him, it just rocked my security pretty badly and my bruised ego just had to understand what happened...that's as honest as I can be about it, sorry to those who have trouble understanding...hey, I've got issues, I don't deny it. I have posted on MB regarding needing "closure" and of course got all the responses about my not needing it, but I am very hard-headed, and have continued to be haunted by it every day. I absolutely did/do not want to be with the OM anymore and am fully committed to making my marriage work as I am 100% in love with my H. By the way, even in my fog, I NEVER said to my H the old I love you but I'm not in love with you...I ALWAYS knew that I was and always would be IN LOVE with my H. Renewing contact with an Old Flame, however, is the most slippery slope I've ever been on...

Anyway, I just felt that my constant(read several times daily) wondering about what had happened was actually interfering with our recovery. For years I had romanticized my past relationship with OM in the form of daydreams and not knowing was keeping that door open for me. So this morning I told my husband that I just had to know and that I thought that I might e-mail the OM for answers. I would NOT have done this without telling my H. He was hesistant as anyone would have a right to be, but he has seen my struggle with this first hand and I assured him that he could read what I was writing.

So, I did it, and you know what? The answers that I got made me feel better and even more sure that my H is so superior to the OM it is unbelievable! The OM was such a complete jerk about the whole thing that I was finally able to see his true colors. It showed me how emotionally unevolved he is, not to mention how very cruel he could be. I didn't necessarily get the answers that I wanted, but I believe that I actually got what I needed...a fresh slap in the face from reality. He basically said that he was never in love with me only lust(so he was an adulterer and a liar-I know this shocks no one)...later he went on to say that because we were friends he felt compassion and empathy for me (I was very depressed) and that's why he allowed himself to get involved with me...my H actually found this quite amusing, as in, "Oh yeah when I'm feeling empathetic and compassionate towards a friend, my immediate reaction is to go have sex with them...what a pal!". The tone of his reply was so cold and hurtful, but it actually gave me closure and clarity. My H wouln't even treat an enemy the way the OM treated me and I saw even more clearly the amazing gift that I have in my H.

I don't recommend doing this for everyone, but it really has worked for me. I'm done, I'm out and I'll never wonder about the OM again. I know exactly who he is now. BTW, continued no contact was made clear by myself and the OM. More importantly, the energy that I was using in replaying the situation in my mind daily can now be used towards my marriage and trying desperately to make up to my wonderful H for what I've done to him with such a piece of trash. I know that I don't deserve my H, but I will never stop thanking God for him and the second chance that I've been given.

Okay, I'm wearing my headgear, so let the 2 X 4's fly!

This is what bothers me.

OM's true colors are irrelevant.

Only your true colors matter ... and I am sad you did not already realize that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

So what would your reaction have been if he had been truly sorry, remorseful and loving towards you? Why are you allowing OM's actions effect how you feel about what happened? Does it make it any better or worse to committ adultry if the other person turns out to be a jerk? What did this really accomplish for YOU?

Pep-

Thanks for your response, my true colors are a bit on the faded side right now as I am not proud of my actions. I hate that in the fog I didn't understand that the answer to marital problems is never an affair. In fact, their is so much that I overlooked and forgot while in the fog and as I said I am thankful for the gift of the second chance that I've been granted.

As for my just having to know what happened, I'm really an extremely CURIOUS person, and I just had to know. I'm telling you, I feel so much better, it's like a weight has been lifted. Do you really think that what I did was bad?

This exact question is the reason why your whole post and theory are complete and utter nonsense. A woman who wants to rebuild and be repentful to her BS does not TRULY do so because her former "sure thing" doesn't care anymore. What will you do when the OM inevitably and very predictably comes calling again. You have more time and emotions tied up in him than your BH. I feel sad for your BH.

Goodluck.

LM

And do you know why this" breaks the mold"?

Because you (again) made OM someone important in your life ... important enough to call and assume any risk that it might further damage your marriage.



OM is none of you business. Ever.

Nah, you are just feeling better because you got your "fix" today from the OM. It may not have been premium stuff, but it was a "fix" nonetheless. THAT IS WHY YOU FEEL SO GOOD TODAY.

Sour... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Curiosity killed the cat....

This can be a very dangerous thing to you - what if things go sour in the future and another man pops into your life and you wonder if things could be better....will curiousity win out again?

You need to look deep inside and figure out WHY you had to figure out what might have been with the OM instead of working on a marriage that you committed to with your H.

I think it was much worse than I am expressing to you .

Really bad. yes.

WWW, I think you were playing Russian Roulette -with your H's life and your marriage. What you did is tantamount to a recovering alcoholic taking a "last drink" for "closure." It never leads to "closure," whatever in the world that means, but instead makes the alcoholic crave the drink again. It drags him back into the drinking mentality, whether the "closure" drink was pleasant or unpleasant. It takes him right back to Day 1 of recovery and causes him to start withdrawal all over again.

And that is what you have done here. You are sucked back into the mentality of the affair and are right back at Day 1 of recovery. And so is your H. Your contact was extremely painful and cruel to him. He is now back to Day 1 of recovery with an even greater eroded sense of trust. Here you are tonight talking about the OM again with a fresh contact on your breath. Instead you could be working on restoring the immense damage to your H and your marriage.

This is why Harley is adamant that contact never ever take place again. NEVER.

This true colors thingy strikes way too close to my home.

FWW said the same thing (exact same words) after he dumped her and blamed her for the A to his W and to everyone who knew. (Yet he was having other simultaneous A’s all during their A – and W suspected yet continued the A! Worked harder at it in fact!)

WWW, it’s just more typical woman scorned kind of thing, IMO.

So, the main reason she decided to stay married to me is because, after 10 years of adulterous sex with OM, she finally decided he was a jerk after all?

Not because she wanted to do the right thing. Not because she loved me enough to stop any time during the 10 years.

No. Because she finally saw the kind of person he really was.

Crap, what kind of a loser does that make me?

What does that make her?

Edit: WWW, this is going to come back and bite your recovery in the behind, I fear. BH is going to stew on this belated true colors realization just like I am. And it's been 12 or so months of stewing, too.

Don't you think it woudl have been better if you had ended the A for the right reasons intead of for the sake of your ego?

You will need to explain this to BH, if you can. Then please explain it to me. I am not hearing any sense about it in my home.

these are the

same words
and sentiments
a married person says
when a married person
decides to call
their old flame
in the first place

what you did was wrong beause you AGAIN

were

WILLING
to put the risk of contact
back in your marriage

because you were

curious

I wonder

if your husband

is curious

about any of his old girlfriends

can he call them just to satisfy his curiosity?

Kloe-

I think one of the best things that I've learned lately is that no matter what, he was a jerk...I read somewhere that wonderful people don't jump in bed with married people...I'm not shifting blame here, what I did was horrible, it takes two. What it did for me was show me he was even worse than I thought...and it added a glow to what I have had right in front of me all along. I think that I mentioned that I dated the OM off and on for a total of nine years, and I think that a lot of people would have had some amount of "what ifs" during rough spots in their marriages. Btw, he contacted me through classmates, I didn't go searching for him or the affair. That being said, it doesn't justify my actions...Knowing what a complete jerk he is does quell any "what if" notions for good, because the "what if" has been answered and all of the wonderful things about my H have been reinforced and confirmed. I can't speak for everyone, but it worked for me...and my H and I have had a lot of good communication and even some laughs because of it. Go Figure.

I agree with Melody

I am the WW - did I get "closure" with my OM - NO - was it nessessary - NO. Did I wonder? NO - because I truly wanted my marriage.

The fact that you wanted all that with OM, makes me doubt how much you want your marriage to work. You are still very foggy. Melody is right, as much as your H played along with this for you - it probably DEVESTATED him, and he probably did so, so that he wouldn't loose you - his last chance at hanging on to you.

My H did all sorts of things to keep me...and I did the same for him, when he had his affair - it's a natural reaction to allow the freedom to try and survive.

I am glad you found closure and feel like a huge weight is lifted..but if you had truly had NC and focused on the marriage, that huge weight would have lifted naturally over time.

Have you asked you H how he really feels about all of this?

This is gonna hurt, so brace yourself. I think the OM was totally honest when you called him.

It sounds like he didn't say what you wanted to hear, so you think he showed his true colors.

Yes, both of you were wrong, but right now I have more respect for him than I do you. At least he was minding his own business until you called.

Susan

Two people engaged in an affair are BOTH jerks.

OM is no jerkier than you. His colors are no darker than yours.

WWW - So, for the risk of "closure", which is what ALL WW's say they want by the way, you have taken the chance of stabbing your husband in the heart one more time. But of course, this time it was a little bit better, because you told your husband you were going to twist the knife before you did it.

Did Mr. wwwondering get "closure" with this latest contact? How safe does he feel now knowing that hearing from the OM was more important to you than his well being? I would like to know how secure he feels in this marriage now.

You can never get to the point that you feel comfortable with closure with an affair partner.

The only way to get real closure is to walk away. Close that book and move on. Focus on the future and do not look back or wonder "what if".

Susan

Eggggg-zactly <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />