Yeah Mr. Wondering...he's obsessing....but he'll be OK...

MWIL - Stay dark...she is attempting to engage you. My xw did it by telling me her 21 year old , drop dead gorgeous niece was seeing a 34 year old married man.....she absolutely KNEW I would engage her on that subject because her sisters children and I are very close (in fact I almost cried the first time I saw them after divorce at a basketball game, they were genuinely happy to see me and hugged me and called me Uncle XX...

but I went right back to DARK....

Be careful...and it's normal to dwell on every action and word she says...when you stop...plan B is working for you....

Yeah, SMOMW....but I'm not sure I would qualify my thoughts and actions as "obsessive". Sure, I still think of what has happened over the last 4 months (7 months since A started), but the progress for me has been very noticible to me. I can actually go 20-30 minutes at a time, without the thought of WW entering my head!! Doesn't sound like much, but considering 3 weeks ago all the way to D-day, my mind wouldn't let go. I am learning how to "not think about her".
Since she's been gone, I've not called her once. I have not emailed her, only to reply to kid related stuff or finances (tax stuff). And I severely limit eye contact and conversation with her during drop offs. Obsessed??? Depends on how one would qualify the term. I believe that I'm progressing through this hellish experience as one would expect. Yes, still mourning the loss of my W. But moving forward...sometimes with setbacks....but I see that time will be the key along with building self confidence, that the degree of those setbacks will be lessening and become less frequent.

I'll take the WD pains, over the intense pain of her constant devaluing of me, and the corresponding disrespect, that just grew out of nowhere!!! She's in a bad place right now, but, really, as much as I'd love to help her, this is her battle.....and it's within herself. I do pray for her. But only for her happiness, wherever that lies.

Quick update:

I'm doing great!! Yes, WW is still wayward, but I have been having a wonderful time with kids and myself!! When I do see WW, I am upbeat, and indifferent to her!! She continually emails and calls me for "little things" but, "yes, no, ok" is my mantra. Went out on a date this past Friday with a schoolmate that I hadn't seen in 20 years. She looked great!! And said I did too! (Already knew that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) Shared a kiss, and then respectfully went home.

Found out definitively that OM hooked WW on Oxycontin. I am keeping my eyes wide open wrt the kids. I don't know the extent of her using (whether she is just taking them, crushing them and snorting them or IV)

Mywife,

This is serious stuff here. How do you "defenitely" know? Boy I would be VERY concerned for my kids if this is true and would consider seeking custody if she is hooked on this stuff. You don't want your kids being taken care by a drug addict.

Absolutely, Hope.

I don't want to downplay this at all. I won't go into details, but I'm 100% sure she is using. I am in the process of learning everything there is to know about this stuff, the signs, the behaviors, the risk to her and others (kids) and how "detectable" in the body it is and for how long. I'm 100% positive, but have no "legal proof". I am monitoring this VERY CLOSLEY!!

Update:

It's been 3 weeks since last post. I coughed up the $ and called the Harleys. Talked to Steve....Now the rest of the story:

To shorten it up....I was advised to transition back to Plan A....reasons????.....because my energy level is way up....still love my W dearly....my original Plan A ended horribly, with me waffling on fighting for custody or not....wife has been VERY receptive to me reinitiating contact with her....and last but most important...because there is conclusive evidence that she has succumed to Oxycontin use/abuse due to OM and there may be a time here in the near future, where she needs a "safe" place to land...and I was told to create that place, then Plan B, if my energy starts falling to low. The drug addiction may be completely intertwined with the affair...she may not even realize it, or he is the source of this evil drug, and she feels she NEEDS it. I know, for pain purposes, it's a godsend...but Google it....it is almost impossible to stop, without serious intervention...the euphoria is described as "better that heroin". She very well may have been given this by OM, without her having ANY knowledge of its addictiveness.

This is so ironic in that A's are so treated as "addictions". And putting a drug side by side with an affair, actually makes it easier to do a plan A from afar.

I feel GREAT! I don't initiate contact, WW always does, and it is quite frequently. She senses I'm moving on with my life, and she is always asking me questions, about me. I speak NOTHING about our R, AT ALL!!! I have had dinner over to her house 2 times this week, she has had dinner over here 2 times over the last 2 weeks!! The visits have been very nice, and not painful at all for me, for I view her as having a "sickness". She is always telling me how sad she is, and I tell her "it just takes time, you'll move on....you have to for the kids and yourself" She told me OM gets quite annoyed with our interactions and dinners. WW tells him (or at least she told me she told him) that he needs to deal with this situation, because she wants a good relationship with me, for the kids. She told me he is very insecure, but he'll "have to deal with it."

My new Plan A, has been flawless....I GET IT! It is about me, so was Plan B...I'm at a point where I'm fine with or without a relationship right now!!! I'm fine with MYSELF!!!
And WW sees this. This was pointed out by Steve. He could tell over the phone, that I was doing well!!

The next two nights, WW and I will be spending time together with kids (a B-day party at her house, Sun. night for DS3 (soon to be DS4) and his actual B-day on Mon.

Today, I had a B-day party with my family and some friends for DS3, but WW would not come at this point...and I think my mother and sister wouldn't have come if she was there!! Too much resentment, yet. WW told called me this morning and wish me luck with the party, and said: "I just want to tell you how much respect I have for you, and all that you have to do for this party" I responded "Well...I'll tell you <WW> over these last 2 months by myself, I have new respect for you, and all you did for this home" She said: "you're doing so well with the kids...it makes me happy, but sad at the same time" .....what??????????

Anyways, been spending lots of time with my kids, dad, mom, and friends. House is immaculate and can't wait for spring!!

Some of what I feel, is spiritual. I have asked GOD, "Do I love her?" I always feel the answer...."YES". Now go show it. WW asked me, how I can be so nice to her? I told her that my deep love for her allows for forgiveness, and that it feels right....that "if I keep carrying that anger...It'll eat you up inside" (Don Henley)

Why not fight Satin with LOVE?? The anger, the blaming, the resentment, the hatred....all are qualities of him. Why allow those....snuff them out with LOVE...not in an insecure way...not in a "doormat" way....but in a way that battles the enemy within me. He can't win inside me...I fought, and won! The battle turns to others, of whom Satin has invaded. And with "true love" and a new found value in myself....I have the tools to fight...and it is showing...

I may be in Dazed situation down the road...or maybe it will go another way...this is WW's battle in herself...and I am easily showing her that I'm the rock...the lighthouse...and I'm STILL.

She obviously is cake eating, but OM seems he may be starting to LB...not sure, but I'm fine!!! And I'll know, with the help of God, when the hope is gone. But I'm feeling so well...moving on, it's truly a recovery...for myself!! And it may well lead to the best opportunity for a recovery of my M....down the road!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good Job.

Interesting insight into Harley's Plan B reversal back to Plan A in your situation.

About the Oxycontin...do you have a videorecorder to tape yourself searching her purse. I was thinking you could set it up in a closet or something and dart in there with her purse and search it on camera. A picture alone will not due but a video of you finding Oxy's in her purse would be good with other corroborating evidence. Maybe taping a confrontation about it later when you feel you have strong evidence but want the granddaddy of all evidence...a taped confession. Think like a cop and protect your kids (and yourself) on the backside while you continue your kick butt Plan A.

I don't know if you're thinking this way but her addiction to OXY may require the infliction of MORE PAIN than even would be necessary in a common affair situation. Seriously consider that you may have to eventually take kids, call police, get her fired, get her arrested before she kicks that drug (and OM). (an afterthought - Maybe hire PI to get goods on OM and have him fired and/or arrested first).

You've got the right attitude but I don't envy your situation one bit. We will be praying for you, your wife and your kids.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. W.,

I have had the opportunity to search her bathroom...her purse, and her car several times.....with small digital carmera in hand!!!!!!! (I guess we think alike <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) Nothing found.

I agree about the pain thing....OM has no job and really no life...so inflicting any pain on him would be difficult. He has grown up and lives in the same "bad area" of our closest city, for his whole life. He was described by WW back on D-day as "rough around the edges"...translation: Jerk!!

On going back to Plan A....Steve said I went to Plan B too early...(didn't consult the Harleys before...just assumed when WW moved out, that it would be a good time!) But is very much dependent on "my energy" and her "receptiveness". And with the other factors I mentioned in prior post...he said it's ok to go back to Plan A...slowly...and only when she initiates the contact. It certainly has thrown her for a loop!! And the bonus is that it appears OM doesn't like it now!! I guess he thought that my month or so of a fairly Dark B, was it...I was out of their lives...and now I'm kinda the OM (ewwww) in his eyes.

The other benefit, of course, is the ability to much more closley monitor the actions of my WW, and the effects of her drug abuse/addiction. Not sure of her degree of use, but I will continue to search covertly for everything I can.

Today (Sun.) I will be going over to WW's b-day party for son. She has a fire place that she hasn't used at her place (rented home/camp)...so I offered to come a bit early with some wood. She was very enthusiastic about a "nice fire"....something she always enjoyed at our home...a warm cozy fire!! So I just may stick around past the party, and keep the fire going for her!!! (Maybe help get the kids to sleep!!) Nice bonus time with kids, and monitoring of WW actions. It's so hard to believe how easy the conversations flow now with WW, than when she was living at home....maybe some of me...maybe some of WW...but I sense a bit of the old W at times.

You said that OM resents the interactions between you and WW? That is very good, that is what caused alot of LBing in my affair. The more you can keep her involved in her "old life", the OM will get insulted that her "new life" just isn't enough for her.

Thanks, Jean.

This is precisely the "Plan" at the moment. WW and I didn't talk or communicate for about 4 weeks...other than me saying "yes, no, ok" to questions she had pertaining to kids/schedules. OM probably thought he was "in the clear". Now, WW is receptive to our family needing to do as much as possible together....and this has OM on the defensive. I'm sure his true colors are showing...and the "daylight" the A has on it now....is probably crushing the "intensity" of the relationship. WW is still foggy, no doubt...but this window she has opened to me...albeit a cake-eating one...may just provide me with the opportunity to expediate the demise of the A.

The time away from WW, was a Godsend. It showed me the power and value of ME. And it has cleared my head, to be the strong man I am. I believe this is appealing to WW.

We shall see....but I can certainly say that I'm in a MUCH better place, within myself, than 3 months ago. As for my M....time, patience, proper tools, and STILLNESS!!

MWIL...GOOD FOR YOU!!!

I caution you though regarding expectations. All o fthe signs are there for a recovery of your M but there is a still a lot of work to do with your WW and I KNOW you're vey aware of these facts. Recovery is a monster roller coaster and all of the positive attitude you're putting forth now will be necessary through the process. I also think you're being somewhat realistic in what the outcome may be.


I assure you that being a stronger man is appealing PERIOD. Unfortunately getting stronger can be quite a painful process as you identify and correct your faults and weaknesses.....

Good luck, keep plugging away.....

SMOMW,

Congrats on being a newlywed!! Yes, I'm grounded in my expectations....as a matter of fact...I have only one expectation...and that is to lead a happy life...for myself. Through this whole ordeal, I've learned so much about myself, through introspection, and that I truly can only control me. No manipulation of others, no trying to pursuede others. I'm happy with who I am, not conceded, not a feeling of arrogance, but a true understanding of my value to myself and others, and the tools needed to increase that value.

This guarantees NOTHING wrt my M. WW has to go through a similar process with in herself...I can't CONTROL that, but by increasing my value to myself...I increase the opportunity for her to value herself more. I can be a model for her subconsciously, but her introspection will be on her timetable....thus no guarentees...

Why do I feel so free from (what seemed like just yesterday), an insurmountable climb from the bottom?? A new found faith in God, myself, and the purpose in life! And TRULY believing and understanding all that is GOOD, including forgiveness, love, and happiness of others and of self. Tools that can and will combat evil.

A little philosophical, but a new life model that has healed me, a one I now practice for the rest of my life!!

Mywifeilove,

you sir are an inspiration to me and my situation. I am now going through the first 2 days of seperation from my wife and am having a hard time. But like you I am realizing the power of me again and take comfort in your growth!! Thank you!

AH

Ashamed,

There is no rushing the healing....each heals at their own pace...and through their own course. You see, MB principals are about giving a M the best opportunity to recover/grow. But when looking deeper into the principals, they are probably better described as "Individual Builders", because it is "us" that we can build...the secondary result is a more appealing person to other people. You can "draw" people to you, but you can't force or push someone toward you. And you can't focus on the secondary benefits, only the primary one...and that is of YOU!! Plan A....is for YOU....Plan B is for YOU!!! The somewhat hidden goal is for personal recovery from an unimaginable pain source that is betrayal through infidelity.

Challenges in life come in big and small packages. Deaths of your children, spouse along with infidelity and abandonment of shared dreams all would qualify as BIG! But we must FACE those challenges with an equally "BIG" response...which takes more energy and self discovery than many are use to going through. But it is so empowering to KNOW who you are...and to, as best as possible, objectively look at that person...picking the good, and making changes to the not so good qualities of yourself. You won't be perfect at those changes at first...but practice with knowledge, will create a better you!!

Good luck to you, sir!

BTW, for those who care to read the entire painful ordeal of mine, and the progress made for ME:

1st thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2832274

2nd thread:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Then this current thread.

Well, spent a few hours at WW's house, celebrating "her version" of DS's 4th birthday. I brought some wood over, and cleaned out her fireplace. Started a fire and WW was happy. Her Mom and Dad came, and I stayed for a bit to watch DS open presents. Had a quick bite to eat, then informed WW that I had to get going...before cake and ice-cream. WW seemed a bit "sad" that I had to leave, asked "what time did I have to be somewhere?" I said: "I need to leave by 5:30" (It was 5:20)

Now tonight, DS's actual B-day, I have been invited over for dinner!! I told WW, "sure...and that I appreciate her offer to be able to spend some extra time with the kids!! I will make sure to return the favor, down the road!"

She was laughing with me, in front of her M and D and it seemed almost "like old times". Her sister came, just as I was about to leave...and gave me the biggest hug! It was almost as to say...."We're with you!" It was very nice!

My Father and FIL, work together during the summer at my father's buisness he owns. FIL asked me when were things going to start up...he's still interested in working with my Dad!

So many odd interactions/relationships....I just wonder how WW is digesting all this!!!! OM still has not been introduced to anyone in her family!!! I'm thinking she's not too "proud" of him!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mywife, I was thinking about you the other day and wondering how you were doing. I'm glad you called SH and got his advice on what to do. It doesn't suprise me that he recommended that you go back into Plan A especailly since your energy level is high.

Did you find going into Plan B help you regain some of that lost strength?

Absolutely!! The peace you gain from being away from the "in your face" betrayal is wonderful!! There seems to be a fine line one reaches, where you know you'll be fine with or without your spouse. Of course, we all know we'll be fine...just given time...but we have to FEEL it!

And just as you get to that point...there are subtle changes that take place within yourself that the WS's seem to notice. WW just emailed me to "make sure" I was still coming over for dinner tonight, and spend time with kids. This Plan A stuff is so much easier, after the shock of the A is over, and it's not constantly in your face!! Yes, she is still seeing him...but, it can't survive!!! He may be as bad as Dazed's OM!! At least from an "insecurity" sense. And definitely from a lifestyle sense....WW is definitely in "rescue syndrom" mode.

But all is well, and still. The sad times are less frequent and less intense. And with this knowledge (that the bottom is behind me) my strength is, indeed, increasing...and that strength is beaming out to WW...and she sees it!

God bless, hope....believe me...it's so much better when WS's are out of sight....at least for a little while!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> I needed my shades cause your foglight is just blinding!!!
You sound strong and that things are taking a turn. This is your time to shine in planA incase you need plan B again.

Keep up the energy level!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Well, just got back from dinner and "play time" with kids at WW's house. I have to admit....I'm watching my WW, crash before my eyes!! We had an awesome dinner, WW cooked and took care of everything, to the T!! She noticed, before I said anything, that there was no salt on the table...and IMMEDIATELY jumped up to go get it...and she doesn't salt ANYTHING!! She knows I like a little salt on my veggies. Then, she gave me a cup of coffee...and asked: "Is it just like you like it? I can get more sugar for you." I told her: "It's just like you always made it for me...perfect."

No R talk from me...but once again instigated by her. She started tearing up and said: "You never deserved any of this!! You are way too good of a man to have deserved this." My response: "Though this experience has been painful, I can only grow in the most positve ways, individually." "Believe it or not <WW>, I am a better man for having gone through this." She said: "I can see it so much, I just wish we would have handled things differently before my A." I did not respond to that, but just looked deep into her eyes...and they welled up with tears..again. Then she grabs me and hugs me, for a good minute, as I stood there like a rock, reassuring her that she "will find the way." I didn't specify what the "way" was, but I whispered it 3 or 4 times in the most affectionate way I could, gently stroking her hair. I then pulled away and said, "Come on....let's go play with the kids." She shook her head and I grabbed a tissue out of my pocket, and gently wiped away her tears.

Then we proceeded to hang with the kids for 20 minutes or so, and then I announced that I had to go. DS4 (oh, that reminds me, I have to change my sig.!) said: "Daddy, can you please stay with us." And I responded with a smile "Daddy has to go clean up all the messes you made at home." And I tickled him. WW, I think, was kinda looking for a hug, but I acted like I didn't see her, and said "good night everyone".

Definitely, felt WW move an inch or two toward me, in this tug of war with OM. Still, no expectations...just going with my heart, soul, and mind...which are finially in sync...after many months of separation.