Post deleted by recoveryhopeful

all under the age of 19, correct?


for now tell them this: "I just found out that your Dad has lied to me. He says he is sorry. I am still very upset."

If they ask YOU "What did Dad lie about?"

tell them to ask their Dad

Please purchase and read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley. He is an expert in these matters, and you and your H may want to consider counseling with their organization. Anyway, most of the advice you'll receive on these forums will be based on the Marriage Builder's philosophy. Understanding the dynamics of an affair, and how marriages can become vulnerable will help you more than you imagine.

Much of the MB program is counterintuitive to what you might have the urge to do, and what your well intended friends and family may tell you, as well. Don't do anything rash, until you are familiar with the program. To do so may damage your efforts to save your marriage, if that's what you choose to do. There a many very experienced people who have gone through what you are going through who can guide you through the process.

Stick around. Read. Learn. Ask questions. This is a very compassionate site, but if you need a "wake up" call, that's available too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SD

OK

so he's has been adulterous 3 times that you know of

no matter how long ago
no matter how brief each lasted

he gave himself permission at least 3 times that you know of to put your physical & mental health at risk so he could orgasm with someone new

This means that 100% of the fault is HIS

NONE of this has ~anything~ to do with what you did wrong or did not do right

this is a character issue <~~~ which totally belongs to your adulterous husband

what meetings are you talking about?

your 1st post on JFO

think of this as an emotional rape

talk to your doctor
tell MD exactly what has happened
ask for a prescription to help you cope with no sleep/depression/anxiety for the next 3-6 months

whatever you do
do NOT take any of WH's discomfort away

DO give your WH several important and difficult tasks he must willingly and graceously complete before you even permit a discussion of how to "move forward"

if your WH asks you what your plans are:

answer

"I am still thinking about what I will do."

give him the gift of insisting he PROVE himself TO YOU (not the other way around)

tell your WH that you love him
but that you have NO RESPECT for him right now and you have NO TRUST in him right now

and tell him there is hope those missing marriage qualities can be restored ... it depends entirely on his behaviors from here on out

does this seem too complicted for you to manage at this difficult time???

PS

do NOT share MB with your WH at this time

why not?

you have no reason to trust him at this point

You do know, don't you, that this is just CRAP-babble.

This means he has not yet decided to man-up and take full responsibility.

Most adulterous cannot answer the "Why? how could you?" question right away.... because they are standing in the shallow end of the pool wondering if they can even swim or if there are sharks everywhere .... it takes awhile before you can expect him to be anything but shallow in his "Why" ....

You will know when he shows readiness to swim in the deep end of marriage recovery when his responses are not so self-pitiful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

"I felt alone" <~~~ means the next time he feels alone .... then what?

Allow him to crawl toward you on bare hands & knees across broken glass and over fire

the reason I am being so darn hard on your WH ~~~> 3rd time that you know of .... it becomes a lifestyle choice and not "a mistake"

There is hope (a lot) for your M
however
YOU can pack his things today & remove him from your home if that is your wish .... no one here has the right to tell you that you MUST give WH a 4th chance to be faithful

Post deleted by recoveryhopeful

that's what I thought you were going to say ~~~> AA meetings

My H goes to AA meetings several times per week .... a few times he has been asked to do favors by female AA members .... he always asks me first, I always say "no"

men-only meetings are available <~~~ I recommend this be one of your recovery points

This doesn't make you feel better, does it?

It is a matter of his character. You know this, right?

It is not you. It is not the marriage. it is him. his immaturity. His lack of coping skills. His willingness to self-gratify at the expense of his family.

Be a prize he must reach for .... Do not be too easily available. right now.

Post deleted by recoveryhopeful

You do not have to "do" anything or make any decisions until you are good & ready ...

Take care

Post deleted by recoveryhopeful

((((((((((((DKT))))))))))))

IT takes ALOT of time. My only advice right now is to try to take care of you. I know your mind is spinning and you can't even concentrate on anything. Just try to do ONE thing, just one.

If you have to pick up take-out, do it.

You cannot be superhuman right now. YOU need care.

Eat whatever you can, even if it's milkshakes. You'll get real weak if you don't.


It will get better. Get to your doc.

Keep posting.


God Bless.

And just wanted to add, what you feel is normal. I felt exactly that way. I couldn't function and I wanted to be alone. I would do SOMETHING and then I would retreat back to my room. It was the beginning of the anxiety attacks.

I could not handle ANYTHING.

Go easy on yourself. You are going through a trauma. A real trauma. That is why you feel like you do.


(((((DKT))))))

I think it is good that you let out some of your built up anger! I did the same thing but waited four monthes...I smashed our big screen tv, threw every tool he owned in the drive way and it was all I could do not to have a Carrie Underwood moment with his prize possession his Harley! He came home and like your husband was stunned...I just looked at him and said ...you know it's really not anger so much as it is hurt.

I am glad to hear you are praying also...that was hard for me at first. I believe but was mad at God not only regarding the affair but I had lost my mother in July. I know now that God does not cause these things but sometimes allows them to bring you to your knees so to speak.

Try to eat somethin...soup, crackers something. I could not eat either...lost 20 pounds the first six weeks. I know it is diffcult to face and even deal with the children right now...home schooling will be hard..maybe they need a snow day or an extra on your own project they can work on.

I was already on an antidepressant when I found out about WS affair but I doubled up. It will help...I dont know if it will make the depression go away but it will surely make it easier to deal with.

I don't know how we get through it either. You have made it though since Friday and you will get through today and tommorow. I remember thinking I had to do it for my children. Even though mine are older, there are still two at home and they gave me something to focus on....that is not right..it was hard to focus on anything. I am a nurse and going to work at first was so hard...I did not want to leave and function for fear of what might be going on at home but now I have found it to be a refuge...something that is normal in my life and i can forget for awhile.

Make time to do things for yourself...it is very important right now. I know as moms we are not used to doing that but you have to....you need the boost!

I will keep reading your post...you are going to make it!

??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> ???

I don't get it

UNDERWOOD .... the American Idol?

pleeeeeze 'splain

Yes the american idol...she has a hit song..Before He Cheats!