I told my husband about my affair about two weeks ago after he caught me in a lie. I was in a roller coaster, addictive relationship for about 17 months and wasn't able to break it off, though I tried to many times. The night I told him about it, he called me every name in the book, from gutter slut to whore, to telling me he cared more about the dog than me. For the first 3 days after the affair was revealed, I lived at my mother's house with our daughter, and he was home, basically drunk the entire time. He sent me text messages that were horrific, and he said he was leaving the marriage. After he sobered up, he asked me to come home. We did some talking, and I got us an appointment with a counselor the next day and we've been doing some amazing work together. I found the Marriage Builder's website and we just ordered the course. My biggest emotional need is conversation, and we haven't communicated like this since I met 12 years ago. In the first few days of reconciliation, he asked me a barrage of questions. Some questions were too painful to answer and I was afraid to tell him the entire truth. One question that I did not answer truthfully was our use of condoms. He asked me if I used them every time, and I said yes. I was dishonest. I was afraid of what his reaction would be. Anyway, the question came up again this morning and I told him the truth. Now he is telling me he doesn't trust me at all again. I feel like I've brought us back to square one and I don't know what to do. I was thinking about writing every detail out for him and letting him read it, then burn it. I haven't lied about every detail, but he can't tell now what details were truthful and which ones weren't. I totally understand why he feels the way he does. I've made a huge mess of things.

Welcome MrsZ

It is crucial to be honest at this point. Tell him what he needs to know. Do not try to protect him or yourself.

This is so important. You don't want more mini DDays. That's what it feels like. Be honest no matter what.

Mrs Z-

I want to say welcome to Marriage Builders. I hope you have had some time to read the information on this site, including Dr. Harley's basic concepts and the Policy of Radical Honesty.

Also, I would recommend that you consider counseling with the Harley's. They are experts in recovering M's after an A.

There is another book that might be helpful to you titled "Torn Asunder" by David Carder. It details some of the things that the BS feels as well as what the WS is going through.

What you have to realize is, even though you may have been at the end of the 17 month A, your BH just learned about it. There is no pain as deep as the pain of betrayal by your most intimate partner.
It is searing. A BS suddenly has their world turned upside down and everything they thought was true shredded in front of them by the person they trusted most.

So, at this very early phase in recovering your M, any untruth you keep from your H, even if it is just to "protect" him, will be another deep betrayal in his heart. You don't need to write everything out, but you do need to be honest when he asks.

Have you encouraged him to come to this forum? There are many here, both BS's and WS's who have been in both your shoes.

Hang in there-

MrsZonie,

I'm sorry you're here but if you want to save your marriage then you're in the right place.

I'm going to look for a post that has a letter in it from a betrayed husband to his wife...It addresses many of the things you're going through. I think it's called Josephs Letter??? When I find it I'll post a link to the thread.

If anyone else know's where it's at can you post it please...

If I were you I would go to him, explain to him that you were not honest because you were afraid of his reaction. But you realize now that you don't have a right to hold back information. So you are willing to answer any questions that he asks.

You can tell him that it is painful to do, but you will try your best because you are willing to do whatever it takes to help him recover. Honesty builds trust.

If you've been reading here for awhile then you've read about the devastation that infidelity causes. It is horrendous. Understand that he is whirling with pain. His life has been turned upside down. Everything has crumbled. Help him. Be remorseful, try to meet his ENs and answer his questions honestly.

I'm glad that you are here to try and better yourself and your marriage. I'm going to project something that I am having a difficult time expressing with grace, should I fail to convey what I meant, I'll be deleting this reply quickly.

I just found out the truth from my wife about her A, and it happened 10 years ago. It feels like someone cut open the scar tissue and rubbed some fresh salt in it.

Seriously ... why carry all those bricks? Who are you carrying those bricks for? They just get heavier, something they even multiple as your forced to remember your past answers and compound them with new lies.

If theres anything, ANYTHING else your keeping from him, don't try and protect him, your only weighing yourself down.

I just spent a few hours trying to talk to him, I spilled my guts and he sat there and just watched me cry. He is pretty convinced that it's over for us, he says he can't trust me at all, no matter how honest I might be right now.

What he SAYS he will do and what he actually WILL do are most probably two different things.

You need to be consistent and answer any and all questions even when you feel like you have answered them before.

He needs time to process what you have told him.

He needs TIME.

He will be destroyed.

You need to suck it up for a while.

Be transparent. Work the MB program. Ask him to come here to MB for help. Many of us know exactly how he feels.

Zonie - let's be "brutally honest and upfront" here for a minute, not to cause more pain but to focus on the reality of where you two are today. You need that, don't you, as part of the "how to recovery" plan, right?

When he says he "can't trust you at all, no matter how honest you might be right now," he is telling you the Truth.

Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. Betrayal IS the destruction of trust for anyone, let alone for the betrayal of exclusivity of marriage. What is gone forever is what is called "blind trust," the sort of trust we grant to our spouse simply because we love them and believe that the marriage vows ARE sacred AND limiting of one's choice to have ANY other person but the spouse.

Trust CAN be rebuilt, but it is a very long process that is only granted as it is earned. That being the case there are two vital components of rebuilding trust. First, there must be honesty and accountability for time. It may hurt from time time to time, but ANY dishonesty will set the "trust clock" back to zero, and too much of it will reinforce the belief that words are meaningless and trust cannot be earned or given.

Accountability is part of the "transparency" that is required. "Secrets," no matter how seemingly small, cannot be allowed because they WILL be seen as dishonesty and a less than truthful desire to actually recover the marriage. "Accountability," especially for time and whereabouts, for the recovering Wayward Spouse, CAN seem "intrusive" and maybe even "unfair," but it's the "price" that a Wayward Spouse who wants to attempt to recover their marriage MUST pay to the Betrayed Spouse as part of earning back the trust that is needed.

There is no way to adequately explain to you what your husband is going through right now, but his "basic instinct" will be to run away as fast and as far as he can because the pain is that intense. He will swing wildly between emotional reactions, lucid and rational one minute and almost psychotic the next. His anger will rage and his emotions will control what comes out of his mouth, much of which is "intended" to make you "share" some of the pain he is feeling.

If you want to have a CHANCE at recovering your marriage you are going to have to endure much of these emotional swings and outbursts, no matter how ugly or hurtful they seem to be. He is in a virtual "bottomless pit" emotionally and will likely be lashing out for anything that seems to help ease the pain he is feeling.

Also, not to scare you, but in the realm of honesty, you need to know that recovery is NOT "easy." To begin with, the "average" timeframe for recovery is 2 years. So that means NEVER say something like "You should be over it by now." That means that you, and eventually him when he chooses to attempt recovery, will need a firm COMMITMENT to the LONG TERM required to go through all the ups and downs, the forward and backward steps, of the "recovery rollercoaster." It WILL get "easier" as time goes by, but not for at least 6-12 months.

This is where you are at today, if you don't know it already. Your choice to commit adultery was a choice to END the marriage. What your husband will be struggling with now is whether or not to 'accept' your choice and seemingly end his pain by letting you have the divorce, or to choose to endure tremendous pain to try to recover your marriage simply because he DOES love you.

Keep posting. These initial days are a torrent of emotions. You chose the "easy way out" once in choosing infidelity.
Are you willing to choose the "hard road back" now? If you are not fully "onboard" with wanting to do what is needed to save your marriage, your husband will not see any good reason to endure and work through the pain and anguish he is feeling.

You both need to know that you are not "alone," nor is your situation "unique." This site is full of people who have "walked the path" and who are "walking the path" that you both find yourselves on. This journey is "fun," but with both of you committed, at least at first, to just try, you will learn the skills and through practice you can achieve a recovered marriage where you will both be "in love" again and have a better, fuller, more "attuned" marriage.

If he wants to, he could also post on MB, but if he does I would caution you both to NOT post on the same thread and, if you can do it, to commit to not even read the other's threads. The advice and the support and the needs can be different, and right now the wounds are very raw and things like the "mental movies" and the "triggers" can be overwhelming to a new Betrayed Spouse.

For what it's worth, my wife was in a 6 year, very intense affair, and we are now almost 6 years past the beginning of recovery and have a recovered marriage. It CAN be done, but it's not easy, so buckle up for the hardest ride on a bucking bull for a while. If you occasionally get tossed off, dust yourselves off, stick a bandaid on the cuts, and climb back on for another ride. Sooner or later you will stay on for the "full ride."

God bless.

Very nice post FH. Well said.

MrsZ,

Listen to FH. He KNOWS what he is talking about. You need to understand your H's side of things for a while and be willing to let him go through what he needs to do. Fortunately, my FWW was willing ot just sit through some nasty stuff while I asked her questions and tried to make her understand the pain she caused me. I blindly trusted her all through our M only to find out that my morals were not the same as hers. She did not value our M in the same way that I did. I was in paradise while she was looking for the easy way out. It hurts more than any pain I could ever even imagine for myself - and it will take time to heal a wound that deep.

My FWW did exactly what you did and it just made things worse. We were together for the same time as you, she had an A about as long as yours, and she also told me many lies when she confessed to "protect me". Every single lie that was told set us back to zero. You NEED to be COMPLETELY honest. You already did the worst thing in the world. No nasty detail will make things worse. You can't get worse than pure evil, which was already done when you chose to sleep with another man.

As far as writing down all the details. My FWW's best friend advised her to get it all on paper, let me read it, then burn it together. What an incredible backfire that was for me. I already knew most of the stuff on the paper, but to see it in writing was to see my wife's Resume of Whoredom. I felt sick all over it again. To see it in writing (and it was quite the long list) was a way for me to see the totallity of what kind of a person I married. It hurt all over again.

Be honest. Answer all questions. Start earning back the trust NOW. He will say that he wants to leave - wouldn't you? I NEVER thought I would stay after my wife cheated on me. I'm still here for her, though. We are rebuilding and it was because she showed me that she wanted me. After I settled down and looked at what God needed me to do as a husband, I knew I could stay with her and build something better. It's not fun, but I really think it will be worth the pain.

It will always hurt him. Learn from him how to help him heal.

Thank you for your posts. I came clean this morning with the last detail I'd been holding. Originally I told my husband that the affair was over for months, but the truth is, I was with the OM about two weeks ago, just a day before my husband found out. I realize now that when I told him that lie, I did it because I wanted to put the affair into the past. I wanted to be over it. The truth is, I was in the thick of it when he found out, and I do understand now that I was an addict. When we started to discuss the affair, I felt incapable of telling him that I was still obsessing. I wanted so much for it to be over in my mind, it's as if I had to put it into the context of the past, shift 180 degrees and try to focus on the marriage. We were making huge strides too, and as the weeks progressed, I felt like I was coming off of drugs.

Now my husband has left town and he said he doesn't know when he'll be back. He packed up this morning. I hope he can believe me now, he is unable to forgive the lies no matter how much I try to get him to understand. I understand what everyone has been saying, I know I've caused him unbearable pain. As a WS, I have been going through my own personal hell, I gave up my self-respect and whatever dignity I had to be with this OM. I let him use me for his own ego gratification. The sick part is, I tried many times to end it and I couldn't follow through. I couldn't give it up. The only way out was to bring it to light, and in the end, I dumped it all on my husband. I'm incredibly ashamed of what I did and what I turned into.

Zonie:

Sorry you have to be here.

But you have done the right things so far.

You told your husband.

You withheld various things, but you have come clean with that.

That's being honest. That's doing the right thing.

You would have done that at first, knowing what you do now.

You would have avioded the affair, knowing what you know now.

Can't change either of them.

Now, purchase His Needs, Her Needs, (HNHN) and Surviving An Affair (SAA). You can buy them from the website. You don't even have to leave the house.

With SAA, you will learn how to help your BS recover from what you just told him. As well as yourself.

HNHN will help you understand what went wrong in your marriage and why your marriage was suffering. You will also learn how to make sure that you do not fall into another A.

Where yo are at sucks. Where your BS is at sucks. But you have been there for 18 months. He has been there for 2 weeks.

Remember that. He still has to process ALOT of stuff.

Look up the posts, and her earlier posts especially, of Resonance. She was a WW about six months ago, and her and her H have come a long way.

LG

MrsZ,

You sound exaclty like my FWW. She hates what she was and what she had turned into and just couldn't break free from who she was. Keeping things secret does not allow you to ever get over them. Secrets will fester and stay with you until you honestly feel like they define you. Then, you feel as though that is who you really are.

Getting all of this out into the open is the first step for your own recovery. Like you said, the only way for it to truly end was to shed light on it all. Your BH leaving town is a natural consequence of YOUR actions. You have had time to cope with the evil because you have lived through it and are one of only two people in the world who have all of the facts. Give your BS time to work through this.

Be there for him. Don't make things worse by hiding behind more lies or leaving on your own. You are the only one that can make things better now. He is going to have a lot of things to say to you and they are not going to be pleasant. Stay with him. If you want to work on the M, stay. Be with him. Learn his EN and meet them with great desire. You have to show him how much you love him. He needs you now more than he ever has in his life. He just may not allow you to do that for some time. But be there when he is ready.

There is nothing in the universe that can prepare us for being a BS. We were not ready. No one is. If my FWW would have left or not been there while I was working through this, we would NOT be together today. It's only been 2 months for me, but some people take longer.

She was there for me every day whether I allowed myself to be comforted by her or not. She was always there. She has shown me, not just told me, that she wants to be with me. She found out my EN and tries her hardest to meet them. I am now also to the point that I want to be the man to meet ALL of her EN also. I wasn't for a while after D-Day. I didn't even want to be near her. I thought about leaving town MANy times as well. Only by the grace of God and the support of very wise people was I able to come home every day. I didn't always talk to her every day, but we were in the same house. That meant a lot to me.

You are going to have to wait to find out what he decides. You decided to end the M once...it's now his choice. If he wants to stay, you'll know what to do. If he wants to leave, it's because you hurt him beyond repair.

I am not an expert at this stuff, but your situation sounds an awful lot like mine. Take my words for what they're worth - not much.

you made choices...and you own every single one of them. Addiction starts with a choice. You own it because you did it. It was a lack of morals and character that led you to an affair.


why should he believe you now? I wouldn't. I think you should PROVE to him that you are not lying any longer. A polygraph can take care of that.


This isn't about your pain...and frankly even including that here gives me concern about your level of genuineness.


This wasn't done to you...you were a willing, active participant.



Look, if you are being 100% honest now...good for you. You took the first step. You deserve for your husband to divorce you..and if that is his wish, you should honor it. If he decides to stay, you should NEVER be the source of his unhappiness again. You owe him everything. Give him some time to cool off...and make sure that you answer every single question with honesty...every single one. And be prepared to hear a lot about your choices. And you take it and understand where it comes from, until....

Recognize what you have just done to his life. Nothing would be more painful. Keep that in mind in every single thing you say or do...and hopefully, he gives you one more chance. If he does...do not blow it.

MrsZ,

You're getting good advice here. I'd like to tell you that I don't believe your deserve to be divorced. Yes, your H has every "right" to divorce you, but that's not the desired plan here at MB. The desired plan is to rebuild marriages that has been undermined by infidelity. Whether it is the WS or the BS that is here to fix it.

Your pain is very real and needs to be addressed also. Whether it is the pain you feel because of the hurt caused by your A, or the pain you were feeling before the A, that lead you to make the choice of having the A. The pain of both needs to be addressed.

Now, and I don't pretend to speak for MEDC, but I think he meant to say that your pain may have to take a backseat in order for the M to recover. If both of you only focus on your own pain, the recovery will be very, very difficult.

As you have read here, your choice to have an A is probably the most painful thing a person will ever endure, so you need to help him through it. And yes, it will be painful for you at times. You will need to be transparent, open and honest. Everything in your life needs to be an open book to your H.

Then give it time and be consistent with your honesty. Hopefully he will start to trust again. And hopefully, your H will be able to see how he contributed to the environment that led to the A and make the changes he needs to make to make your M truly affair proof.

Blessing to you and good luck.

S&C

Not divorce is not desired here. But her actions. IMHO, "deserve" that response. Her BH not divorcing her is an act of grace on his part. She is not suffering that consequence. But, IMHO, if a BS comes to me and told me he/she divorced the WS, I think they got what was coming to them. If they forgive and remain married, I appreciate the valor on the part of the BS to give the WS another chance.

Regarding the pain...you are right in that I feel it needs to be put off until the devastation that has been handed her BS is dealt with.

Thank you steadfast for your kind words, I was a little blown away by what MEDC wrote. I came to this board asking for some encouragement, advice, and a place to safely tell my story without being judged and criticized. I completely recognize I caused an intense amount of pain for my husband. I've seen a level of grief in him I never knew could exist. I wish to God I could set back the clock and never have done this thing in the first place. I can't stop crying about the pain that I've caused him.

I truly do not wish to cause you pain.

In life, when we choose the action...we choose the consequence that comes along with it. Your husband can choose to forgo his right to divorce you as an act of grace and forgiveness...hopefully he does.

And it is necessary to focus on your H's pain right now, yours must take a back seat. You made a choice to have an affair...it was a choice and not forced upon you in any way. You can make a choice now to do everything you can to help your H heal. Doing so will require nothing but honesty and a willingness to put him first.

You have severely betrayed a trust. Do you think that if you could alleviate some of his pain moving forward, you would do that? Could you pass a polygraph exam today if that is what your H wanted from you? Would you submit to the test?

If you don't want to be judged, I would suggest acting in a way that doesn't open you up to judgement. Lying is an act that you should be called on.

I sincerely wish you luck and hope that your H forgives you.

MrsZ,

That's the double edged sword of forums like this. You will get advice and opinions from people who will put your situation through their filter and that is what you get. Including me. Some are more sensitive to certain situations than others and are very passionate about their POV.

It will be rare that you will run into a professional here on these forums. But you do have people that have a true desire to help. Your responsibility here is to take all you read, and apply it the best way you can. Those who choose to post advice to you, have the responsibility to help support you through this; when you are doing well and when you aren't doing so well. Hopefully there won't be times you don't do well at it.

If you haven't already, make sure you read through the basic concepts of MB. That way you will also know when you are getting information that is contrary to what MB teaches.

If you feel like you need help with a plan, you maybe better off calling and setting an appointment with the Harleys and have them help you with that.

Praying for you.

S&C