OMG, I wish I'd found this place four weeks ago! "D-Day" (a term I used before I found out it was used exactly the same way here) was October 23. My WW told me she wanted out of our marriage of 6-1/2 years. The next day when I asked if there was someone else, she said yes.

A little detective work and I told her I knew the identity of the OM. Again, she admitted it. She moved into another room in the house, and I gave her until the end of November to move out. "M-Day" is now a mere five days hence.

I've done an awful lot wrong. I may have burned too many bridges. I love my wife, and do not want the marriage to end, but she seemed determined to "move on" so I contacted a lawyer and we now have a signed and notarized SPSA.

I fear I've missed the opportunity for Plan A. We seem to be headed into Plan B at a record pace.

Now, here comes the horror story:

WW was fired from her job in July. She was a substance abuse counselor and is in recovery herself. She has no credit rating and owes thousands on her credit and taxes. I make a good living, so I bought the house, the car, etc. without ever adding her name to anything. We have separate accounts (not the first marriage for either of us). Bottom line: She has no job, no money, and nowhere to go.

Oh, right: OM is a married man (but separated for nearly 3 years). He apparently rents a room, so she can't move in with him. In addition, three days ago he underwent prostate cancer surgery.

Now that the affair is out in the open, she has made no secret of her activities, and has been spending nights at a time away from home. After all, she is "moving out" soon...

People have told me she is in "active relapse," except that her drug of choice now is the OM. Given that she's had over four weeks to look for work, housing and basic living needs, and has done nothing in this regard certainly strikes me as someone who is living out-of-balance.

We said some harsh and hurtful things to each other. I have tried to apple some Plan A principles, but I think they now may be too little and too late.

So I come here seeking advice and help. I hope that some day I might be able to help others, but right now I'm confused, anguished, frightened and uncertain.

Thanks for reading.

Fred,

Do you want to save and repair your marriage? I read a lot of the backstory, but you seem to stop short of committing to whther you are willing to go to the wall to save the marriage.

Are you looking for advice to break up the affair and get your wife back?

SWW

Welcome to MB Fred, please listen to those who give advice.

It's one of the most amazing clubs you never want to be a part of. We learn to grow and do things we didn't think we are capable of.

It's Thanksgiving, the board is bound to be slow. I have to get, but I'll check back in as soon as I can to see how you are doing.

Breathe, be still and if you want your marriage, you can have it... BUT you have to walk and listen and act....

Hi Fred,
Welcome to MB, sorry you have to be here.

Yes you have done several things wrong but normally I would say its never too late.

I am however concerned about the addiction comments. Its often found that those under any type of addiction excluding the affair are less able to be guided out of the plummet thay call life. Is your WW activly using as far as you know?

I am super sorry that you are needing help as it is the long weekend, hopefully a vet or two will check in, otherwise its going to be mon-tue ish.

Do keep posting and as people come and go, they will help as they can.

Thanks to everyone. SickWithWorry, I'm so torn about this situation. I'm responding at 5:30 a.m. because I can't sleep these days. I love my WW (we lived together before we married, so it wasn't like I had to "buy the cow," so to speak), but there's a part of me that feels I might be better off without her. The behavior she's shown is so unlike her that I feel I don't even know who she is.

She used to profess, "One thing about me is that I'm fiercely loyal." When she confessed the affair to me, I said that she and I must have different definitions for "fiercely loyal." She had no answer for that.

I have issues with loyalty and betrayal, so this cuts me extra deeply. And she obviously has baggage; her background is full of red flags and land mines. But until went astray, she was a fabulous, warm and loving wife. It's no joke that this is the emotional roller coaster ride of one's life!

Until I read SAA, I thought there was no hope -- that we'd separate and divorce after the required six month (no-fault w/o kids) period. But SAA has made me believe that perhaps we CAN survive. So while the separation is official and the clock is ticking, I'm willing to give it a try...

I think that once reality hits and she has no place to go, you MAY be in a position to set rules for her staying - give up OM, give up passwords, take a polygraph, etc. If she accepts that, you can work on Plan A.

I was thinking much the same. On Dec. 1 she will owe her FXH (former ex-husband, is that right?) child support and a day later her phone bill comes due. I paid her child support the last three months and her phone bill twice (her phone is currently her lifeline). The telco won't cut her service right away, but her FXH isn't as forgiving. He's going to want what's due with no excuses (I sent him a letter informing him of what was going on -- I don't want to be blamed for his kids not getting their support).

In the mean time, I've been trying to fit Plan A into whatever opportunities I have. I left a package of her favorite snack treat (ginger chews) in her room, and confirmed she took it when she stopped by.

She's also become a fan of running because of our relationship (OM is a smoker and does not have the same interests as she), so I'm leaving little hints that I'm doing the running events we used to do together (I ran a 10K race this morning).

There's a lot to fit into a very little time. I feel like I'm on the "accelerated plan." And I think I am. My life is too good to drag the misery on for years on end. I may have to just let her go if she doesn't wake up and realize that she's in relapse.

Yeah, make sure you don't cover any more monetary issues for her. BIG wakeup call. Don't even buy her a tank of gas.

When she said she was leaving, I committed to "keeping food in the house and gas in the car" until M-Day. I've lived up to my commitments even when I realized I was enabling her. But she's out of the house Nov. 30.

I have a locksmith schedule to re-key the locks Dec. 1. Reading SAA, I'm hoping to locate neighbors who will act as go-betweens. Since she has no real place to go, she isn't going to be taking a lot with her. I don't want her thinking she can come by any time she wants to "pick up a few things."

It may sound cruel, but I want reality to come at her fast and hard.

There are many cases where people make promises, and are convinced to say 'you know what, I don't know what I was thinking. You hurt ME. I don't owe you to take care of you when you're ripping my heart out.'

Here's what I tell every BH who comes here. Women lose respect for their men when the men kiss up to them. They need their men to be strong, and MAD about betrayal. It's the number one way to get her back.

Should of never agreed to support her affair. You have waited to long to cut off the money.

This would of been a big wake up to her when the OM did not step up and pay her bills.

For all intents and purposes she has already moved out. OM had his surgery and she's "nursing" him. She has (had?) a full tank of gas and there's food in the fridge. I have nothing left to buy (or deny).

Please remember that next week when she comes to you and asks for money to finish moving out. Or pay alimony. Or down payment. Or pots and pans. Or whatever. You've had a lifetime of being nice to her. Show her the other side.

Except that I paid her bills before the A was discovered. Since then, I've only paid for "food in the house and gas in the car."

Next Tuesday she starts paying her own way. With four kids to support from his marriage, OM may not want to take on her massive debt load.

She has to hit rock bottom. And wallow in it for a while. You need to focus on yourself for now.

Have you exposed the affair to the other man's wife?
She has a right to know what is going on, and protect herself and her children from the predatory OW (your wife).

I know you say he is seperated, but what is the source of your information? If your WW told you, I would doubt that story very much. It seems like OM/OW's marriage are ALWAY "almost over", or they are divorced, or separated -- because that makes your wife feel like less of a homewrecker....

OM's wife might be really surprised to hear that she's seperated!
And she deserves to know the truth...

I agree that even if the OM's W and he have been separated for years, it is still an exposure worth making.

You never know what the story is there. Maybe the OM's W is hoping for reconsilliation and her H isn't letting her know he is dating.

Given that both you and WW had previous marriages, can I ask whether either of you were married when you met?

TA

Exposure and cutting off the financial support are your best tools. Do not give in on the support, no matter what.
How did she lose custody of her kids, such that she has to pay support? Very unusual for a woman.

Through some detective work I have learned the OM's wife's name, address and phone number. However, when I tried to call the number was disconnected. He's listed at the same address, but my sources (GPS tracking) indicate he is not living there. Without a way to contact her, I'm at a loss.

I believe the separation is real. When I first met him (yes, I know his identity) he was separated. That was nearly three years ago...

I've hit a dead end here, I'm afraid. Thanks, though.