I will try to make this short but want you to know the whole story. I am a WW. Married 20 yrs. 2 children, son 18, daughter 16. My H had an A 10 years ago with my best friend. They worked together, he quit his job and we moved away. I have had multiple affairs, 1 PA that lasted 3 months and several EA by email, phone, and text. H knew about the PA and although I have not seen the man since, we were in contact by phone maybe three or four times a year. About two months ago my H found out about the EA's and it was really bad. He considers me a serial cheater, which I am. I so badly want to understand why I have done these things and I want them to stop.

Because you allow your most important emotional needs to be met by someone other than your husband.

I read something about admiration and attention here today and someone said....do you really want attention and admiration from someone who would be involved with a married person? WOW that hit me hard. My H and I are well respected in our town, nobody knows about either of our A's. All my children's friends look up to us. I would die if they knew.

In the past we both read SAA and His Needs, Her needs, and Love Language book. All three had good information.

This weekend we finally came to the conclusion why we have such difficulty. He love languages me in the way he wants (attention, sexual contact) and I love language him like I want (someone to take care of me, be the boss, deal with money). It became so obvious that he didn't get from me what he needed and I didn't get from him what I needed and its a cycle. I now realize that one of us needs to start the cycle spinning and I am willing to do that

You had affairs because you did not have boundaries to protect your marriage.

If affairs were all about unmet needs, then every BS here would have had an affair because there needs certainly weren't being met when their WS was sneaking around with someone else.

Don't make this into something more complicated than it is.

Affairs happen because people don't have the boundaries that prevent them.

I have become transparent in all aspects. He has access to my cell phone, computer, and all my comings and goings. I did this willingly. I realize this is my last chance to repair our marriage.

I did read one other thing....I am a Christian and so is my H. I realize that if I want to stand before God and not be ashamed, I must turn from my past and never look back.

The biggest question I have is....does anyone have advice on how to start the circle turning? If he does not meet my needs and I can't be totally open sexually with him because of that, what do I do? I so badly want a complete relationship with him. One thing that I will say is that I have never had a HIGH sex drive and it certainly doesn't match his, but I am willing to do whatever I can.

Any advice and bashing me over the head is welcomed!

Beautifully stated SMB!!

When was your recent EA divulged? If he is newly betrayed, it may take a while; it is a long process to R. Could you afford counseling with the Harleys? That could help kick start the process.

IAM,

Is your H still in contact with the OW even in a professional sense.

I'm not justifying what you did in any way, but did you ever recover from his affair with your best friend.

Gamma

WW time line needed.

itsamess:

First I want to commend you on your admission.

"He considers me a serial cheater, which I am. I so badly want to understand why I have done these things and I want them to stop."

So many waywards will never even admit that! You want help and see that you need it. If my WW would have only seen that in herself, our marriage might have been saved.

Anyway, my professional training (high school psychology class in 1982) leads me to believe that you need to talk to someone and not seek help here. Let me explain...

I am a BH and my stbx is the WW. She fooled around, got caught, asked for D, we fought, I Plan A, worked hard, met her needs and we pulled it together in a great way. She said it was a fairy tale. I missed her EN's for years so a neighbor met them. I understand what happened and why.

So we are going along great and I am meeting her needs. We talked about needs, told each other what they were and things were going great. Then she starts Facebooking a friend of mine. Just friendly stuff. It got out of hand and got to the point where they secretly met. I had EP's in place so I knew as it was going on. I broke it up and moved forward.

Months later she contacted an ex on Facebook and they were sex talking. She also bought a pay-as-you-go cellphone and was calling him. I called her on it, we fought but she said she'd stop.

Months later, I found out it was still going on. I filed for D. There are a lot more details but there's no need to go into it. You can search my posts if you're interested.

She went to some counseling sessions but basically refused to continue. I have been going to that therapist alone. Here is the reason he gave me for my wifes actions.

She has low self-esteem, low self worth and a fear of intimacy.

She thinks she's fat (5'2"/ 110lbs), she thinks she's unattractive (she's beautiful). In addition, every person in her life that she was close to has left her. Her parents divorced when she was 3 or 4 (her mom left). Her dad got remarried and had more kids with new wife make her a red-headed step child, feeling like a fifth wheel. Her dad couldn't handle her and tossed her out to mom when she was 13. Her mom was already remarried and had a child with her new hubby. Now she is still the red-headed step child. Her mom divorced again and started dating, bringing unstable guys into her life. When she turned 18, her mom couldn't handle her and tossed her out. Her boyfriend was away at college so she moved in with her boyfriends parents. While her boyfriend was at college, he knocked up another woman. She was able to move back in with mom.

Then, along came me. I have been with her for 21 years. Because she didn't feel a closeness with me for many years, things were ok. That actually sounds odd but follow me. Then she gets involved with a neighbor and our lives are turned upside down. As a result, I learned to meet her needs and started doing a great job. She was really happy! And that was part of the problem. Every time she got close to someone in her life, something bad happened to end it. So, according to the therapist, when she started really feeling close to me, subconsciously she thought it was going to fail like every other relationship in her life. So she sabotaged it. I read the books, walked the walk, met her needs, ADORED her and she still did what she did behind my back.

Other men were nice to her and she ate up the attention. It made her feel good since she thinks she is fat and ugly. They were playing her to get one thing and she was too stupid to see it.

I am telling you this because no matter how hard you want to fix it yourself, there may be issues buried deep in your past, that you need help getting to. I wish you the best and commend you for seeing it.

And, by the way, my WW's boyfriend, the one who knocked up the girl while away at school....that's the guy she is now calling on that pay-as-you-go cellphone and cost her a marriage. And he is divorced twice, living with a woman and calling my wife behind his current girlfriends back.... you can't make this stuff up!

I hope your joking here Jim..... She and her H both need MB in a huge way!




I won the awards for most disfunctional childhood...... My childhood didn't cause my affair.... my chitty boundaries and entitled attitude led to my A.....

Good grief Jim, don't give another entitled wayward permission to blame their "issues" and their "past" whatever for their choices.

X 10

CJ, Dr Harley is a licensed clinical psychologist and he believes that this program is the solution to serial cheating. Please don't mislead this poster who has come here for help.



The solutions to his problems are not in the PAST, but in the present. One does not have to resolve childhood issues to change CURRENT BEHAVIOR. Going to a counselor and yapping about one's childhood is a good way to keep counselors in business, but it does nothing to resolve the problem. It is just a DISTRACTION.


here

here

here

Here is why you have affairs:


See how easy that is?

And here is how you solve that: Requirements for Recovery

Someone asked for a timeline.....I will try to give specifics.

Me: BW/WW 42
H: WH/BH 43
Married: 20(this June)
Son:18
Daughter:16

H had PA in 1999-2000 with my best friend and also a co-worker with him. We moved away and there has been no contact between them. (I'm 99.9% sure of this). This A last almost a year.

In 2002 I discovered yahoo chat and began chatting with different people. Several of the relationships progressed to talking on the phone, emails, but no physical contact. H found out about those but we worked thru it.

I had PA with a not married man in 2003. The A lasted about 3 months.

After a separation when he found out about my A we reconciled and were moving on.

We rocked along but about two years ago I started chatting again online. I actually renewed an email relationship with someone from the past time of chatting who lives across the country from me. This is the relationship H had found out about before. Over the next two years, leading up to present, I probably had relationships with two or three people. All of these progressed to emails, phone calls, texts. I also ran into an old boyfriend who happened to be a high school friends cousin. We saw each other at a funeral for the friend. He got my number from my friend and we started texting. I lives close to me and we saw each other several times, but always in public and there was no intimate contact.

About two months ago my H discovered emails to the online person who lives across the country. After much discussion (and H forcing me to produce phone bills) I came clean about everything. As bad as it was, it was a relief to finally tell the truth.

I have done alot of soul searching and have tried to figure out where I went wrong. I realize that I had weak boundaries and that is the root of the problem, but I also realize that I am/was searching for something. I honestly think BOREDOM played a huge part in this. H has a very demanding job, is gone alot, and although I know that isn't the problem, I used these relationships for attention and excitement. I just want to learn the ways to stop this insanity once and for all.

if you are both really serious about recovering your M.... or perhaps as I feel I have done with my DH ...creating a new M with your H .... I urge you get counseling from the Harley's.

I feel that after my A had I not gone to counseling I would not be M now.

During the months of counseling we did not spend time on what happened before our M.. we also did not concentrate on all of our M past exactly ... the A of course ... but we did spend heaps of time on entitlement... looked at what we each needed... and expectations and BOUNDARIES!!! I had adopted very poor boundaries .. not suddenly but in small unnoticed increments over time. It then was so easy to be SELFISH.

I also had poor coping skills with grief... anger... mourning ... I failed to seek my husbands support.. family & friends support .... or professional help.

I had developed a 'poor me' attitude and that I deserved whatever I could obtain ... that it was everyone's fault ... especially my DH ... but never mine. I was 'the' victim of my DH & his work actions. It was ok to hurt my DH because he 'started it' ... I wasn't sure what 'it' ever was but it was his fault.... never mine.

I could go on for ages but the point here is that "I" was the problem and that boredom.. anger... grief... feeling abandoned .... etc etc etc ad nauseam were just attempts to excuse "my" behaviour.

we can all find lots of reasons to cheat ... BUT THERE ARE NO EXCUSES


It will take time to understand the whys and wherefores and would caution you not to think you can find the 'magic bullet' reason because it probably doesn't exist.

Consider counseling together as a absolute necessity. My own experience which is all I can speak from is that it was essential as part of building our new M together.

You seem to have the desire now get a plan together... speak to your H ... ask him to join you to do the counseling with the Harley's or as least someone who uses the same methods.
They work!!!

By the way your DD is around the same age as when I had my A and don't think for a minute it has not affected her. I have sadly... taught my DD some bad life handling skills... she too hates sharing her feelings and thoughts etc. But we're working on it these days .. even if she is married and happy as any wife can be with a deployed hubby

so get to work NOW.

This is the CONDITION that leads to your affairs. Your H should stop being gone alot and should be home every night with you. In order to change this, you need to change the environment that made your affairs possible. Including being on the computer alone since many of your affairs started there.

thanks so much to all that have given advice. It is not possible for my H to be home more (without quitting his job)....I feel its my responsibility to learn to live within the boundaries whether he is home or gone. Its almost like its an addiction. Like I start out saying "Im never gonna do that again" and then its like I find myself back every time.

My WW has a fear of initmacy. My WW has low self-esteem. She has these issues in marriage as well as in other places like her job(s) and friendships. She needs to address these issues for her own sake to function in life. Her issues are WAY beyond what MB can fix.

MB is not the answer to every situation. If it was, every marraige would be saved. There are other problems people have that can affect their marriages.