I have posted here before, which is hard because I am the WW. H and I are trying to restore our marraige. There has been NC for almost two months. I have put EP in place to make sure that I do not fall back into that situation. I have several questions. I have tried to talk to H about EN's and us meeting EACH OTHERS needs but honestly he feels like because I caused all the problems that I should just focus on meeting his needs and mine don't matter. Please hear me when I say that I totally understand that I caused it and I am willing to do whatever it takes to meet his needs. I have become the soft spoken, kind, loving person he married (that disappeared when the A's started).

Can you send him here?

I just wonder how it works when the betrayed spouse does not feel it is their place to meet the needs of the WS?

I have never had a high sex drive and it is very low on my EN list....however, it is #1 on his. He is constantly complaining that we don't do it enough, that he wants more, etc. I honestly never turn him down but often times I am really not in the mood but feel I should to meet his needs. I think that this would get better if he was willing to meet me half way with the EN's. Its like a vicious cycle that we can't seem to break. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Melody...I think he would get alot out of it but he is not a big computer user. He barely sends emails and only recently started texting. LOL I have tried to explain the concepts here but not sure if buys it. All that matters to him is that I did it and that its my job to fix it. In many ways I agree.....I just worry that eventually my bucket will be empty. I don't see me ever falling back into EA's but I do see me being very sad and empty if he isn't willing to work.

You need to be straight with him. Tell him you want him to be in love with you. Ask him if he wants you to be in love with him? If he wants that, then here is what I need: XYZ.

I know that he requires alot of EXTRA attention and I am more than willing to give him attention, praise, love, I just really struggle in the sex department. I wish there was a pill to take to make that desire level increase.....

He can make the desire increase by showing you affection, having conversation and spending RC time together. The fastest way for you to fall back in love is to do this:

here

Have you both read "His Needs, Her Needs," "Surviving an Affair," and "Fall in Love, Stay in Love?" Even if your H isn't comfortable posting to the forum or doing things on the computer, he would probably get a lot out of the books.

Ditto on "His Needs, Her Needs."

The chapters on affection and sexual fulfillment were gold. Not necessarily anything new or groundbreaking, but laid out very clearly. You both need to read this together and discuss it.

Don't take this as harsh - its not my intention.

I want to go through whats in his head a bit if he is a typical BH.

1.) Wife has low libido so I have had to stuff my needs to accommodate.

2.) Now I find out my wife with the low libido is doing another man and the extra bonus I get is the opposite of "I have become the soft spoken, kind, loving person he married"

3.) Now the affair is over and we are trying to reconcile but wait she still has low libido and U will need to stuff it - for life.

sounds like a great deal to BH.

I do not know your story but I will mention one thing worst than being a spouse suffering the betrayal of adultery is suffering the betrayal and after having a sex-starved marriage.

So for the time being until you get to the point of POJA this decision - you should meet his needs as much as he requests within reason of course.

Getting the books are good.

How about leaving the computer on to MB. Maybe BH will "stumble" on to MB.

Last though your BH is thinking my WW was never into SF a lot was doing the OM all he wanted. In ways WW would never do for me her BH. And now post A WW is back to being somewhere between a nun and a dead person in the SF depatment.

This does not excuse his short comings during the marriage.

Has your BH asked questions about the A regarding SF with you and the OM?

Having you answered them?

It's still early in R and your BH is still raw with pain. I have to agree with the others. You're gonna have to chain your TAKER up for awhile and help him in healing first. You can introduce him to all the great concepts here, but he's still reeling from your betrayal. This is going to take time.

I thought the OP had a EA not a PA going on? if that is correct then she wasn't giving anyone top billing on SF....she was getting her top EN's met of A & C most likely.

Maybe I read it wrong but I thought she said it was a EA.

Well, in some ways, it works the same as a marriage where one faithful spouse does not feel it is their place to meet the needs of the other faithful spouse. Or a marriage where the wayward spouse does not feel it is their place to meet the needs of the betrayed spouse.

In other words, all of these marriages have a reluctant spouse, and while each of them has some of their own issues, they are all going to have to be addressed in similar ways.

The one rule that must be followed: no matter how you address it, you need to make sure that you do so in a way that BUILDs love for your reluctant spouse, not DESTROYs it. The last thing you want is your spouse becoming even more reluctant. That means putting aside selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts as a way to get what you want and adopting, as far as it depends on you, thoughtful requests, respectful persuasion, the policy of joint agreement, the four guidelines for successful negotiation. Have you studied up on each of those tools? Do you need help finding them?

You mentioned that things would be easier for you to meet his needs if he was willing to meet your needs. That's true. But I encourage you to avoid saying anything to make that connection in your husband's mind. He MIGHT misunderstand the idea as something like "You have to do for me if you want me to do for you" and that will build resentment in his mind, make it LESS enjoyable for him to meet your needs, make it LESS likely for him to do it, and trigger affair resentment all at the same time!! What you ultimately want is to build a marriage where BOTH of you meet each other's needs because you are married and promised to care for each other in this way. What MelodyLane said is the thought to share instead: "Do you want me to be in love with you? If so, then I need you to do these things in order for that to happen."

Getting there is not an easy path to walk, but there are a lot of people here who have walked it, in marriages with and without an affair. The trick is to walk the path in a way that builds love, not destroys it, and the truth is that how you walk the path is more important than how quickly you walk it, because it's all about that love.

There is going to be some need to control your Taker for the short-term, for long-term gain. This is true in ANY marriage with a reluctant spouse, whether there is an affair or not. You have to eliminate your Taker's instinctive strategies of disrespectful judgments, selfish demands, and angry outbursts forever, anyway. With these eliminated, and with your spouse's Giver satisfied, it becomes possible to slowly move toward having your Taker satisfied. It AIN'T easy.

If you can get your husband to read the books that were mentioned (His Needs, Her Needs; Surviving an Affair; Fall in Love, Stay in Love) that would really help! HNHN and FiLSiL are both available on audiobook CDs if your husband would be more likely to do that. I'm listening to Fall in Love, Stay in Love right now, and it's GREAT!!! Go for that one FIRST for the best overview of the program.

Other options to help you:
* Marriage Builders weekend is a great program with a year's worth of coaching you to meet each other's needs.
* Marriage Builders radio would love to have you call in and ask for advice; maybe they could devote a whole show to this!
* Marriage Builders counseling center can help you devise strategies to get your husband on board in a way that builds love and doesn't make him resentful
* This board of course is a great support forum for days when you need help keeping your Taker under control. Great mix of strategies including reminding you of what your goals are and clubbing you over the head; I've benefited from both. Often.

To make a long story short, H had an affair about 10 years ago with my best friend. We never really dealt with it, just did our best to get past it. We moved and he has had NC with her. Since then he has lived transparant. This affair was PA. Five years later I had a PA that lasted 3 months. NC since it was discovered and he moved. Fast Forward to past two or three years....I have had several EA's with people on internet. I personally think I would not start a PA with anyone because of my lack of sexual desire. My needs are so far from that. I am sure these EA's were meeting the need of communication and affection.

It seems that our relationship is doomed based on both of us having affairs and my serial EA's. We both are committed to healing and making this marriage the best it can be. I am really trying to do the right thing. I wish I could do something about the low sex drive. I do try my best to meet his needs any time he wants to but then he complains that he doesn't want me to do it unless I WANT to....but that want to doesn't come along that often....I AM SO FRUSTRATED!

I wouldn't say that. But it sounds like you still harbor resentment from his A and it SOUNDS like you put part of the blame for your A's on his. Really that is how it is coming out. Is that how you feel? My FWH had an A 5 yrs ago. If I went and had an A right now, could I blame that on him? Don't think so. This would be MY decision. I could D him even still, but if I had an A it would all be on me.

What I'm saying is that an A that happened 10 yrs ago should not be the reason that your M is doomed NOW(of course, unless you just found out about it).

So why did you give yourself permission to cross tha marital boundary? Was there a revenge factor?

Honestly, I do not think the A I had had anything to do with trying to get back at my H for the A he had. When I discovered his A, I was devastated. Obviously there were problems in our marriage, and I totally realized my part in the problems (not my fault in him having an A). I do think that my A stemmed from not dealing with the problems (AND MY POOR JUDGEMENT). I really don't have resentment regarding his A.

My frustration comes from not seeing a solution to the problem of low sex drive versus high sex drive/biggest EN. Is there a way to work it out?

imo - you just do it. It may not be totally satisfying and enjoyable at first, because your emotions are probably still up and down, but I think the more you do it, the easier it will be for you to enjoy it as well. I used to have a really low sex drive too - it took a conscious effort to be intimate with my husband. Now, I can't get enough of him. I apologize in advance if that sounds really sexist, like you have a duty to satisfy your man or whatever, but it is the way I see it. And it works.

Not sure if I can help but you sound just like my wife in the SF category. And I am like your H in that I have always been dissatisfied with SF knowing that she was not getting a good level of satisfaction.
I can say this: there was about a 18 month period in our 15 years together where she initiated SF quite a bit (I think a friend encouraged her). During that time, I was far less resentful about the whole imbalance of sex drives. It was like she was pre-empting me. If I had know MB at the time, I might have understood what was happening and perhaps avoided the subsequent EA's (hers) and maybe even our impending D.