I will listen to SB. XH has lost the power over me. Today would have been our 27th wedding anniversary. I am not a gambler, but I KNEW he would acknowledge it. Everytime my text went off this morning I expected it to be him. Sure enough...about 8:00 a.m. he sends me a text that said, 'HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!'

He misses me. And he craves interaction with me. I totally ignored his text.

Wow, that text is like a smack in the face to you! Jeeze, seems almost cruel to me...

Here is how the man I am seeing described it--a woman is stabbed and is recovering in the hospital--healing nicely, but not totally recovered. The man who stabbed her comes into her hospital room and stabs her AGAIN in the same wound.

Great analogy I thought. Man I am seeing is VERY annoyed by the text.

It is cruel...and I guess I'm just so used to it....I expected it.

The thing is I don't think XH is trying to be cruel. He is stupid in a way I can never explain to people. What he is TRYING to do is reach out to me in some way.

Pointless.

I agree, remember when we were in kindergarten and out on the playground and the boys would taunt us, push us, throw rocks and what did our mothers say....don't worry that is because they like you??

Well he is that little boy in the playground jumping for your attention. Be careful next time he might try to pull your hair.

Agree with your assessment, SW. I think he is just trying to keep a tie between the two of you. He just doesn't get it, he is so far gone right now, he doesn't know his booty from a hole in the wall.

You are doing well. I would still cut WH off as soon as anything other than your son comes up. I dunno, I just did much better without the personal stuff

I just read through most of this thread. Wow, how far I've come in just over 2 years.

I've been remarried to my wonderful dh for just over two years. We have moved almost 2 hours from WXH and he is NOT happy....he had his attorney send me a nasty letter threatening to take me back to court if I did not sign off on a ridiculous visitation schedule. I will NEVER agree to what she proposed....I totally ignored the letter---it was sent mid August---and over 2 months later WXH finally asked me about it. I was just vague and said I didn't really understand what she was asking and that I thought we had it all worked out. He let it go. The longer he goes with our new visitation schedule the less likely he can convince a judge to change it.

Ds12 has only had to be around OW maybe 3 times, briefly, in over a year. WXH told me a few months back (when we were discusssing my sister's remarrying) that he didn't think he would ever remarry.

When I moved ds12 out of state, I had to tread very carefully with WXH so that he didn't go filing papers with the court and cause a big bunch of problems. This resulted in more chit chat with him and I can really tell it affects me. Ugh. I've been having horrible dreams lately and feeling that rage well back up.

I really need to get back to being more dark with him. Reading this thread has really helped me. Everyone on this thread helped me soooo much back then through the darkest times of my life. School bus gave me so much valuable help in 'seeing' my WXH for who he really is.

Ds12 was suppose to go to his dad's today but WXH texted me this morning to tell me he was sick and didn't want to give ds his sickness. All I replied back was 'ok.' And when I told ds all I said was, 'your dad is sick so he isn't going to take you this weekend.' Ds12 said, 'aww...' and that was it. Barely even acknowledged it.

Part of my anger is that my WXH is now perpetrating all the same lies he told me onto our son. I need to NOT be angry though because it does not affect ds the same say. He 'sees' things about his dad but he doesn't dwell on them. He is not an authentic man and so he has to be one way with ds and another way with OW and another way with his friends. But it isn't my problem anymore and all I have to do is mother my son.

Anyway, I hope everyone is fine and if you are a divorced BS suffering, please read this thread for lots of good insight and advice.

SW,

Have you plan B'd your WXH?

No I never planned B'd him. I went straight to Plan Divorce. I've had to be very accomodating in the months since we move out of state and this has created more chit chat than I like or need. So that is why I was re-reading all this good advice on why and how contact with him hurts me.

There is absolutely NO WAY I can Plan B him without landing myself in court fighting our visitation schedule. But I can cut back on the amount of words I say to him and on the topics I allow him to discuss.

Well that sucks you can't use an IM.

It definitely helps the BS to heal when they are in a dark Plan B.

Have you ever thought about a secret IM? We have a few posters that use this technique and it has helped the BS so much.

It is an interesting idea. If I can't get the communications scaled back I may have to do something like that.

Most of what continues to upset me is the interactions with our ds12...and that can't be stopped. I just have to let it go. It is not a situation I created or one I can control.

You're correct there, because we can only control ourselves.

Your DS sounds bright and so I'm sure he will see through his wayward father.

I've found that having an IM also protects my family members.

They don't worry about me as much because they know absolutely nothing he does can possibly affect me. I wonder if it would work for your son in the same way.

I think it also pops part of their 'we're still connected' delusions and helps them face up to life better.

I'd get a secret IM who communicates via email to satisfy the courts, and get rid of phone and in-person contact.

I can tell you've done a great job healing, but no point taking the 'stabbing' any more when you don't have to.

The reason I don't feel I can use an im is not because of the courts. It is because it keeps wxh pacified to have contact with me....I absolutely do not want him taking me back to court. I left the state without the courts approval ( a long complicated story but I think I left enough of a paper trail of trying to work it out with wxh that I would not be in trouble) so I need a significant amount of time to pass with things going like they are......and the more cooperative I am the less chance he will take me back to court.

Really this is the kind of life you want to live ... being held hostage by a wayward? Fear is no friend ... no matter how it is spun.

Really as I typed it I could see how absurd it sounds. We have been using the new visitation schedule for 4 months now. If he had not had his lawyer send that letter in August I would think all is well by now. I do believe my syrupy sweetness to him immediately following my receipt of that letter, coupled with me never mentioning said letter really confused him and thus why he didn't pursue court.

So I can probably safely pull back on communications with him. It just needs to be done without him realizing it.....I don't want to awaken the sleeping giant.

He is old enough now. But because our visitation agreement is so unique, there is no judge in the country who would uphold it if wxh fights it. Wxh would wind up with more time if he gets me in court so I want to avoid that if possible.

I don't understand. If your son is old enough now, are you saying your son wants to continue visitation the way it currently stands?

Ds does want to continue it like it is. That is part of what keeps wxh from pursuing court. But if he feels backed into a corner or if he feels dismissed he will react. And if he gets this in front of a judge he WILL get more time regardless of what ds says. . he gets very little now. And he lost his mid week visitation when we moved.

Thanks for explaining.
Best wishes for the coming new year.