Basically, my husband agreed to an open marriage (but don't ask don't tell:S). That should have been a warning sign but I take responsibility for all that has happened to our marriage. He decided to ask if I had sex with a mutual friend then everything fell apart. I had sex with a friend once and now my husband considers it cheating.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for a total of 7 years. We have no children. We've moved to 2 different countries together in the last 3 years.

I cut off all contact with the friend as soon as I realized how my husband felt. I don't spend alone time with other men or with guys even in a group.

We decided to work it out. He moved out for a month and came back. We spend all but one night together now (he goes out once a week on D-day).
It has been almost three months since he found out.

We have done the marriage builder Emotional Questionnaire. We have a set discussion night weekly to talk about the relationship. I have been open, honest, and communicating with him. I have not blamed him for this and I take full responsibility for my actions and the damage it has done. I tell him everything he wants to know. Sometimes he thinks we spend too much time apart so now once a month we take a weekend apart.

We of course go through ups and downs such as last week we fought a few times. Or there is distance between us here and there. But both of us agree that overall things are moving along in the right direction. He feels more comfortable around me now. We talk more now, we are able to do things like cuddle on the couch, etc. Obviously things will take time to recover where there is love, trust, affection and such.

What other things can I do to help with the recovery process? I realize this will take time, I read it takes between 2-7 years to recover/heal.

He feels hurt, betrayed, angry and has a broken heart. I feel terrible for what has happened and I am trying all that I can to help heal our marriage.

He doesn't want marriage counseling. I initially had phone counseling since I live overseas. He didn't want to join so I stopped after a few sessions and the counselor was going off-topic.

So what can I do to help with this recovery? How can I help successfully help rebuild this marriage?

Welcome, LL. It sounds like you've been doing a lot of reading here, and that's good. It does take some time to heal the damage inflicted by adultery, but it can be done if both spouses are committed to recovery.

Questions: Your H gave you permission to have sex outside of your M. Why is he so upset that you did? What were the conditions in your M that would lead either of you to consider something so damaging?

Your H says he doesn't want MC. What does he want?

Yes, he said it was fine as long as we didn't discuss it with each other. The conditions was that I had a high sex drive relative to his. He said that it was fine if I sought a man or woman to fulfill my needs if it got me off his back for sex. But I could not let him know and vice versa. Obviously a bad sign as he was giving signs he did not really agree to it. I didn't push the issue only the issue that we were not having enough sex. Sometimes the issue of sex would get him annoyed. It had been like that for 3 years since we got married.

LL, did he have sex with other people, too?

Was the friend you had sex with one of his friends?

When a spouse permits/invites a third party into the M disaster usually results.

Have you talked with your H about the disparity in your SF needs? Have the two of you brainstormed ways to fulfill both of your SF needs? Do you communicate about this at all, other than how to avoid it?

"Basically, my husband agreed to an open marriage (but don't ask don't tell:S). That should have been a warning sign but I take responsibility for all that has happened to our marriage. He decided to ask if I had sex with a mutual friend then everything fell apart."

Whose idea to have an open marriage?

Where you attracted to the F/OM before this subject came up?

Who brought up the subject first?

How long did it take from the agreement was reached did you sleep with this F/OM?

Why did you tell your H, did H ask, did F/OM tell your H first, did you go out/do anything to make H suspect you did the OM?

Why would you want to be married to someone that didn�t care if you had sex with someone else in the first place???

I never hear about opens marriages fixing anything. Only breaking things.

Any way the point I have heard with open marriages is that there are usually rules laid out an agreed to before the games begin.

Also when only one spouse wants to have an open marriage the one that never gets any extra action starts to get very jealous because they ain't getting their fair share of the rewards even when they didn't want any originally.

Being that people don't go around telling every one they know that they have an open marriage they want it kept quiet.

So why would you pick your H's F to be your OM?

LL123: want to be my FBuddy
OM: yes your good looking, but your married
LL123: I need it more then H can give so H says we can have an open marriage
OM: H is not getting the job done
LL123: H say's it ok to get the job done with outside help
or you lied to OM and said what H doesn't know won't hurt H

You have humiliated your H because you have made someone your H knows that he is not satisfying you. Also you can not count on this OM keeping things quiet. Most OM like to bragg. Bragg who he is doing on the side and why.

Whose idea to have an open marriage? My husband had mentioned it before but I didn't do anything up until recently.

Where you attracted to the F/OM before this subject came up? No.

Who brought up the subject first? Husband.

How long did it take from the agreement was reached did you sleep with this F/OM? A few months. He talked about it earlier in the year around spring and in the summer when I complained about the lack of sex.

Why did you tell your H, did H ask, did F/OM tell your H first, did you go out/do anything to make H suspect you did the OM? He asked because we had all been out drinking and OM and I were flirting. I wasn't going to lie to my husband when he asked.


Have you talked with your H about the disparity in your SF needs? Have the two of you brainstormed ways to fulfill both of your SF needs? Do you communicate about this at all, other than how to avoid it? Well we have talked about it now but it's something that is going to repaired later as I earn his trust and love back. Right now sex is not a concern as I want to make this work and heal this relationship. I really don't want to push this too much right now. Plus he thinks if I can show that I won't sleep with another man while his sex drive is even lower than he thinks he can trust me more. I guess it's kind of a test.

We haven't brainstormed much about sex as he feels uncomfortable having sex or the subject. We did talk about what was missing from my end and what I wanted but that's about it.

So far it's just been about being honest, restoring trust and rebuilding the relationship.

I saw that I missed a few questions:

He didn't have sex with anyone that I know of.
Yes, he was a friend of mine and my husband's.

Other man was told that it was an open marriage.

The 2 most important things you can do right now is to a) affair proof your marriage and b) spend 20+ hours a week of undivided attention meeting the top 4 intimate needs of conversation, sexual fulfillment, affection and recreational companionship.

Affair proofing your marriage means creating transparency by sharing cell phone passwords, email accounts, bank accounts, etc. The other spouse should have complete access to every area of your life. Ending all opposite sex friendships and never spending the night apart again.

The UA time will do the most to restore the romantic love in your marriage.

Have you answered all your husbands questions openly and honestly about your affair? Have you both ended contact with this "friend?"

This doesn't excuse him. Adultery is adultery no matter what cute names you apply. He knew you were married and that is what matters. He is no "friend." If my friend was doing something destructive - drunk driving - and I give him the keys becuase he tells me it is OK for him to go drunk driving, I cannot excuse my part in that destructive act. "Friends" don't help friends harm themselves in destructive behavior.

He is not a "friend;: he is an accessory to the crime.

Have you answered all your husbands questions openly and honestly about your affair? Have you both ended contact with this "friend?"

I have answered all the questions he has asked.

We have both ended contact with this guy.

He actually is the one that wants nights apart. So we've been having one night a week out with our friends. As well, he wants weekends apart here and there. So this weekend we are spending it apart.

I answer any and all questions he has for me about what I am doing. He doesn't care about my email, cellphone and such.

We've been having conversation, SF to his level of comfort (don't want to push that unless he's ready or willing), affection and recreational companionship. He's not ready to be seen in public with me so we do things at home 99% of the time. We've only done a few things together out like attend a wedding and meeting a friend for dinner.

We are trying to affair proof by having conversations and trying to meet each others needs based on his level of comfort. We have discussions. But he needs his time and space.

Has your H ever seen a doctor about this? It is not typical to feel uncomfortable having sex, or even talking about it. This concerns me.

Has your H ever seen a doctor about this? It is not typical to feel uncomfortable having sex, or even talking about it. This concerns me.

I think it's not uncomfortable in the physical sense, more of the emotional sense since it had all happened.

does he understand how bad this is for your marriage? Having separate leisure lifestyles is a disaster that leads to affairs and a sense of detachment. That is not the way to an intimate, passionate marriage.


If your goal is to affair proof your marriage, then what you are doing by having time apart will achieve the OPPOSITE. I think it is cute and winsome to desire "space" but that usually is an indication of someone who is in an AFFAIR. I have been here for 10 years and have heard that silly excuse 100's of times. I don't know of any instance where it wasn't an affair. Just think about it, if someone needed "space" why would they have to leave to do it? If someone really wants to work on their marriage, as he says he does, they don't LEAVE, they stay and........work on the marriage.

Let's say your car is broken down in the garage and you want to fix it. Do you drive to Clevevand, Ohio [leaving to get "space"] or do you go in the garage and work on the car?

If I were you, I would hire a Private detective and find out who he is with when he is off in his pursuit of "space." OR..... go drop in and see yourself what he is doing. I ain't buying it.

This guy is having an affair:

1. He actually is the one that wants nights apart.

2. So we've been having one night a week out with our friends.

3. As well, he wants weekends apart here and there. So this weekend we are spending it apart.


4. I answer any and all questions he has for me about what I am doing. He doesn't care about my email, cellphone and such.


5. Doesn't want to have sex with her------------->We haven't brainstormed much about sex as he feels uncomfortable having sex or the subject.


6. He's not ready to be seen in public with me so we do things at home 99% of the time. We've only done a few things together out like attend a wedding and meeting a friend for dinner.


7. But he needs his time and space.


8. Basically, my husband agreed to an open marriage

Oh, gotcha. But his need for SF has never matched yours, correct? To the point where he told you to find another partner?

I actually knows what he is doing as he is spends every weekend with a male mutual friend of ours or his boss. As well, he comes every night after being out. I also have happened to have walked by areas where he has spent the night apart and it has been with male friends. He tells me if there are girls hanging out with him.

Even before this all happened, he always wanted a night apart a week as he thought we spent too much time apart. He wants to rebuild this with things he is comfortable with. We used to only spend 1 night apart every 2 months which was a lot less than he wanted.

The reason he doesn't care about my cellphone or emails is that he thought it through. He thought that I could use friend's cellphones or payphones. I can delete things that I don't want him to see so it's pointless from his point of view.

He says that as things get rebuilt in this relationship we won't be spending weekends apart and he will be more willing to do things with me outside of our home. Right now he wants to work on being able to spend time comfortably with me at home first since that is where we live. For him, he says he still sometime has trouble dealing with this or not picturing me having sex with another person.

LL, things will get rebuilt in your marriage by being TOGETHER, not apart. Being apart is counterproductive to recovering your marriage. I would not agree to this plan to spend time apart because it is bad for your marriage.


How does telling you remove the damage done by having opposite sex friendships? He should be with his wife, not other girls.

I don't think your H is serious about recovering this marriage because his actions don't support his words.

This is not convincing at all. You only know what your husband tells you he is doing.