Hi all.

I first want to say, I have only discovered Marriage Builders very recently. At first, I just didn�t get it. It took a while for me to get my mind wrapped around the concepts. I am a Christian and being such; I have been required to �live with my W in an understanding way� What I have come to understand because of Dr. Hurley, I have lived in an abusive relationship for many years. There are plenty of disrespectful judgments, angry outburst, and individual behavior. Thank you for putting a name on things I could not describe (I had my part in it also).

I seek your opinions, because I am a trusting person and maybe very naive.

A while back, my W. left the east coast for the west coast to attend her custody action. After losing custody, she told me that she was not returning (keeping our infant child) so that she could be a mother to her other children. After three month, I was compelled to file my own custody action. The Court ordered her to return to the east coast.

Upon returning, she decided to reside in a hotel several miles away from our home. When we first moved to the east coast, we bought a fixer upper house. Needing lots of work, my then new boss saw opportunity to earn some extra cash. For about 6-month, many times while I was working and he was not, he would go to our house and work. Later he took a job overseas.

In the middle of the custody action and living at the hotel, my W and he began to talk on Facebook. Shortly after, he returned for vacation and he and my wife went out. As she explained it to me, because of the custody action, she did so, to �get the dirt on me.� She explained that if anyone would have dirt on me, it would be him because I had few friends at the time. She told me that they went out to get some drinks, like coffee. I was left with the impression, that all of it happened in the morning. She told me upon returning; while in his car, he leaned over and kissed her. He (through his now ex-wife) claimed she kissed him.

About six months later, driving by the hotel where that event happened, I made an off comment. My W response was shocking to me. I learned it didn�t happen in the morning, but in the evening and �around 9-pm.� Looking back on it now, I think maybe the drinks were not coffee. When I told her, I was given the impression it was morning, she said that was my fault. My world had crashed. She knew I had that impression but never sought to correct it.

After I learned that it happened at night, I sought to learn more. I contacted my former bosses (soon to be) ex-wife. She provided me with a credit card statement, showing a room charge at another nearby hotel. It didn�t quite match up; the charge was a day after the event. So I took the statement to the hotel as if I was disputing the charge, and after some research, they told me that the charge was made at 12:37 am. They explained it took a day for the charge to process.

I also reviewed my W�s Facebook communications with my former boss. It appeared that some of the communications were amiss, as if parts of it had been deleted. It was not that event which I became alarmed, but I also reviewed her communications with her best friend. After complaining about her conditions and what she was going through, my W wrote in part: �May the Lord forgive me for all my sins and somehow restore me.� The striking thing about it was, she wrote it at about 2:40 am., or six hours after she went out.

My W has continued to assert that nothing happened. Her story now in going with him, is that they only went out for 15 minutes, because he developed a headache due to his long flight the day before. I don�t remember her ever telling me when she first did; the event only lasted 15 minutes. I also vaguely remember her telling me when she first did, that they did go someplace and talked while over coffee (I am certain that is where my morning impression came from). Of course the first time I was told about it, I was in shock; my mind was rebelling over what I was being told.

I have tried to present this from a view point of neutrality. But the nagging question is, what are the chances she actually did sleep with him?

Thank you in advance.

Hi skidman, i am sorry that you are here. where there is smoke there is fire. you do not need us to tell you what happened. you KNOW in your heart what transpired. alcohol + estranged wife + the right situation = she had sex with him. no doubt about that. your intuition has already told you so.

your post above is kind of confusing though. more details would be helpful like is this a 2nd M for both of you? how many kids? how many years married? etc. need some biographical info please.

Welcome and sorry for the pain that has brought you here.

Do you want save your marriage? I'm sorry to tell you friend but I'm sure it was a PA.
Now you need to blow this affair up.

Please read this Exposure 101
Carrot and Stick plan A

Sorry, didn't think to give those details.

My second marriage. 2 kids for me, adults.

Her third marriage. 2 kids from her first, adults. 2 kids from the second, 11 & 7. We are both professing Christians. We have one 2yr old together.

At the time, married 2 1/2 years.

Do you want to try and save it or just want to know if we think it was physical?

We can help with both.

Welcome to MB.

Were either of you married when you met? Why did the previous marriages end?

How old are you both?

Does your WW still live outside of the home? Are you getting a divorce? How long did the two of you date before you got married?

Read up all that you can on this site.

Thank you.

I would like to know if it was physical. I would like also to save my marriage. I bought "Love Busters" and "His Needs & Her Needs." We were trying to follow that for a couple of weeks, but she quit. She said I was using Marriage Builders to control her. She has extensive individual behavior.

What I didn't say, in the event I previously described, she also used her adults son's phone to talk with my former boss. Recently, I caught her doing nearly the exact same thing, spoofing the GPS on her phone and forwarding calls to her sons phone. I know where she went, she went to the lake with her kids. It was the principle of the thing, I cant trust her. I just filed for divorce. Plan "B" I suppose. She is so self absorbed and proud, it will become final, I'm certain of that.

You can't Plan B until you have Plan A'd for a certain amount of time. Have you been Plan Aing? What have you done? Have you exposed? What are her top ENs? What LBs did you commit that you now don't?

Married 4 years (May 9th)

I'm 52, she is 42. I divorced my first wife primarily because she decided to practice homosexuality. She said she divorced the second man because he was "controlling and abusive." We dated 4-month and met on EHarmoney. We talked via EHarmoney for about 2 months before our divorces were final. We met after the divorces were final (I think). No sex before marriage. I have never loved a woman more than her.

Get the book Surviving An Affair.

Who has the affair been exposed to? You read the exposure link and Plan A link I posted to you, correct?

That's the whole point, did she have an affair? So I ask your opinions please. Maybe I see it but cant accept the truth of it.

Thanks

Yes Skidman I'm sorry to say she had an EA and most likely PA.

Read this What Is An Affair?
How Do you know if your spouse is in love with you

Will you expose the affair? Exposure 101

If you're still physical with your wife please get STD tested.

You have a motel receipt and ask did they have sex.

You ask because you need to have your gut feelings confirmed. Well MB has repeatedly shown that gut feelings are never wrong.

Schedule a polygragh test and then tell WW the time and date of the test. As the day approaches your WW as all WW & WH start to admit to part of the story to get you to cancel the test to prevent the rest of the truth from coming out.

Have you any information as to why your WW would all of a sudden have wanted to burn all of her ships behind her and change coasts on a whim? That is not normal behaviour. She must have known for some time, that she could not be a full-time mother to her kids. I am sure the two of you had been talking about the possible consequences of the hearing and all.

There must have been one reason or another to all of a sudden stay there? Did she try to rekindle a past relationship? Have you snooped about that?

If her 2nd husband was controlling and abusive shed have custody, even with moving coasts.

You are being gas lighted on many levels.

She most certainly has had an affair at some level. I suspect it was (is?) physical. Your posts make it sound like the affair is over. Have you confirmed that? Do you still work for him?

We can all tell you what is clear to us: yes, your WW had an affair. I think what you're really asking is for a complete accounting of what happened (and you have every right to know all the details). You can best accomplish that with a polygraph.

Yes she did. That's a whole nother terrible story. More recently, October of last year, she had me moved out of the house, claiming I was "escalating". Then during Thanksgiving, while I was living from couch to couch with friends, she had her ex, bring their kids from CA. He and they lived in my house with her for 10 days. She said she missed her kids and it was all done in the name of trying to "co-parenting" for the kids. She said while he made passes at her, nothing happened.

Leading up to that, she spent many hours on the phone with him, trying to make "peace" at the time, he had full custody and she couldn't see her kids much). Throughout our marriage, she has compared me to him which I always come up short. Of course, speaking just the facts here, hides the terrible hurts I suffered.

I have discussed that with her. She accuses me of cheating all the time. I told her that I was more than willing for both of us to do a polygraph. She told me no, because she said they can be defeated and said that I am such a good liar and believe my lies it would give a false reading. I just think she is afraid for herself and uses that as a cover story.

You're 52 years old and acting like a pimply-faced pre-teen!

Let's make this as easy as possible.

Your wife will never agree to a poly which will reveal these two facts (among God-knows how many others) until you can bring excruciating leverage to bear, the pain of which would be more intense than that of her admitting she has the morals of an alley-cat in heat.

1) Your wife is/was screwing your ex-boss.
2) Your wife boned her ex-husband for the week he was "visiting".

(And just for giggles, please inform how she "put you out" of your own house so she could shag her ex!)

And as an aside for the rest of the MB universe: Will we ever get a weepy BH here who does not proudly claim to be half a "Christian" couple? Aren't there any Zoroastrian or Druid WWs out there?