Quite often, a new poster will show up reporting that his/her spouse wants to leave the marriage or is otherwise checked out. Often he/she wants a "separation." The new member reports vague problems that seem very easy to solve but curiously his spouse is not ever interested in the solution. The spouse might be showing other signs like:

1. "I love you but am not in love with you"

2. "I have been unhappy for years" despite evidence to the contrary - a rewriting of history going back years

3. guards cell phone like it is Fort Knox

4. might move into the guest room

5. is not interested in solutions

The reporting spouse will often knock himself out trying to repair all the reported "problems" to no avail. It is never enough or is "too late."

Almost always there is an affair in the background. So while board members spend an inordinate amount of time with the new member looking for solutions based on the wrong set of facts, the affair becomes more and more entrenched. An affair must be handled very differently from garden-variety marriage problems. The remedy is very different because the affair must killed first.

Therefore, my advice to new board members in such situations is to first rule out an affair. And don't tell us you "know" there is no affair. Everyone tells us this. I would be a millionaire if I had a dollar for every person who said this and then found out later his spouse is having an affair.

So many spouses cannot even begin to imagine the culprit is an affair so valuable time is wasted denying the possibility. We understand no one wants to find an affair, but often it is the key to solving the problem.

Do not ASK your spouse if he/she is having an affair. Quietly snoop to see what you can find out. Go to the Operation Investigate forum to get ideas about snooping devices. Gather your evidence and report back to us BEFORE you do anything. We will help you with the next steps that are designed to save your marriage.

The Marriage Builders program will lead you to marital recovery if it is followed.

But the very first thing you need to do is prove there is an affair or prove there is not an affair.

Don't expect the program to work if you don't follow this step. Even if you have come here for some other problem.