I know I will regret posting. I said I would never never post again but here I am.

You probably know from my login name I am aussies wife. I wish to say a couple of things and expect to be hit by a lot of 4x2‘s, well so be it.

First, despite whatever aussie has said I do accept full responsibility for what I have done and blame no one but myself. It is my own lack of personal esteem and ability to handle stress at a particular moment that led to my affair. I don’t seek any excuse, being drunk, not drinking so much when not used to it, nothing but my own poor choices and stupidity. I have said this him repeatedly but he doubts me.

I do not and did not love the man I had sex with, ok!! I was charmed, yes, I was amused, yes. I was attracted, yes, But that is not and was not love. Aussie says I still feel something for this man. I don’t. .I don’t know how many times I have to say this over and over again. I do not love this man.
Aussie used to attack the OM day in and day out and frankly it drove me nuts. Alright it is not as often now but it still is just as bad when he does. Does he want me to lie to him & say I do love this man??? I can’t win no matter what I say.
I don’t want to remember this man!! He’s gone I don’t want him back, he was the biggest mistake of my life, that’s why I want the talk of him to end.

If you think I have got out of this without being hurt you are so wrong. I have lost nearly everything that means anything to me. The love of my husband, my children think I am a slut, and life is not much fun now.
You think I exaggerate if I say aussie doesn’t love me well you tell if he has mentioned once that he loves me in all his posts. I’ll be surprised if he has said anything like that.
Do you think its pleasant to see the dull look in your mans eyes where once you could almost read each others thoughts? It’s a living hell.

Aussie is not the man I married and brought two wonderful children up with. That man died one night in a place I only know the name of, Mazar-I-Sharif. I don’t know where it is, why, or what happened but only know the result. Then I came along and kicked him in the guts with my affair. Guilt is not an adequate word for what I feel. Neither is remorse and shame.
I have failed him in way no one who has gone through what he has should ever be betrayed in. As a wife, a lover, a helpmate, a friend and mother of his children.

It seems all I can do is watch his pain because he does not let me in to help him. And I want to so much. When we have sex it can be wonderful, but I ma never sure if he is making love with me or filling a physical need. You would think I should know, but I don’t. He never says he loves me. Perhaps I have no right to ask for it now. God I so wish this will just all go away.

I think That maybe I am a failure and maybe I’m no good either for doing this to him. But I love him and I can’t let him go.

Why wont he hear me? there is nothing I have not told him. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Well, my dear, we finally have you here. Welcome to marriagebuilders. Your husband has committed to your marriage and does love you.

I have communicated with him for a long time. Really I feel for you. So don't expect any flak from me.

It is quite clear that your husband became a changed man after he went through the war. I think that was the beginning of your problems.

You are not a bad woman. I hope you will stick with us and let us help you and your husband.

It is time for both of you to heal. Thanks for posting.

Welcome Aussie's wife:

Please keep posting and maybe will get somewhere. My wife Myrta is in your same shoes---- there are many others-------- Hang in there! Obviously Aussie is hurt and he is a very proud man. He loves you, that is why he is here and why he is still with you. Give him time to digest all of this.

Maybe he feels is not right to say he loves you. I think some recommend this technique so the WW does not feel validated for her infidelity . Put yourself in his shoes, You were unfaithful, you hurt him, and now he has to say he loves you. I felt the same way about my wife. I asked myself why should I love a woman who has humiliated me in such a way. However, you said it yourself! This was not about Aussie--- this was about issues such as low-self-esteem. In this instance you probably need to be told you are loved. In fact he tells you he loves you a lot you may feel even more guilty. I guess there is a happy medium somewhere.

Maybe the two of you can use this medium to communicate things you cannot tell each other in person. I have done that with my wife. The site has also served as a form of MC.

AUSSIESWIFE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is very nice to see you post!! It is nice to hear your side too. Everyonne here was so amused that I am posting even thought I am a WW. It was kind of scary at the beginning and I did not like one bit some of the things JL said to me. I almost stop posting because of him. But then I decided that not him or anyone was going to stop me, from saying or rebutting some of the things that were said to me.
I think you are right on saying that it was not love, but that you were attracted, charmed. Otherwise why would WE still be here? Convenience,kids, no, I dont think those things would stop real LOVE. If I had been in real love with the OM, I would not care about anything else, but HIM. I would be with him right now.
I am sure your husband loves you,even if he does not say so. He clearly wants your marriage to work. You also have to be understaning of what he has gone thru and he probably has issues that he does not know how to deal with. Issues that got aggravated with your A. You have to give each other time to put all those things behind. I think he needs to talk to a professional, that deals with those kinds of things (war,etc) not a Marriage counselor..
But as far of him loving you, I think he really does. He seems to be very caring , he sounds a lot like my husband, they both would like to kill the OM <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
It is a poor choice to have an affair, because of any reason. But we did it anyways, and yes, we have to take full responsability for it. I think you are more ahead of me there, you seem pretty convincing accepting it. I kind like to spread it between me,husband and OM.
Please do not give up in your husband. I am sure he loves you and he only wants to be at peace with you and himself
Take care
By the way, I am Stanley'wife

Myrta

<small>[ October 03, 2004, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: Myrta ]</small>

Hey Aussie's wife,

Its really great that you are posting and I wouldn't worry too much about copping a lot of flak, people here have really been much kinder than I thought possible for a group of people going through just about the worst pain in their lives.

I completely sympathise with you because I am in the same boat - ie FWW now in the wreckage caused by some stupid decisions based on feelings that somehow (?) seemed important at the time and now seem totally insignificant if not downright humiliating. I know its a terrible situation to be in, especially feeling like you have lost the love of your H, and so you now have the same pre-A problems (low self-esteem, stress, etc) plus a whole lot of new, much, much worse problems that you couldn't have thought of before. I don't state this to rub salt into the wounds - so forgive me if that was the effect - I'm just stating my own situation.

Anyway, I guess I agree with Myrta that having read a lot of Aussie's posts, I think he does love you and he is trying. Just the fact that he found this board and is prepared to try and put his time and attention into thinking through these issues to ultimately build a better relationship - that is love.

I don't know if you're looking for advice here or just wanting to post about your own experiences? If you do want advice, then I would suggest just trying to spend some fun time together. I think thats a start. It also would be an attempt to balance out all of the negative time together rehashing the A and the implications it had.

I concur with smur in that if your H is here it is because he wants to rebuild the marriage and restore the trust he had in you, all signs that despite his pain show that he loves you. The same goes with you because if you didn't love him, then the last place you'd be would be here. Actions speak louder than words.

Aussie'sWife:

I too will not hit you with any 2x4s.
What I can tell you is that by posting here,
you are opening yourself up to a wealth of
information. I believe the help you can receive
here is just as great as the help you receive
in marriage counseling.
I would encourage you to post as often as you can. Be it statements, or questions, or even just
venting. You will get a lot of feedback.

What I can tell you from what I know is this;
I know for sure your H loves you. He chose the hard path, to rebuild his marriage with you. He believes the rewards at the end of the tunnel are worth it. Those rewards are you.
I think he is a very smart man. So much so, that he has been able to wrap his mind around the journey of healing that lies ahead for you two and has I think, come to understand it better and faster than most.

The questions he asks, and the disbelief he has at some of your answers is normal. Everyone who goes through this, goes through that. Even those in your position. Its all a part of the healing process. In time, he will slowly start to let you help him. Right now what he needs most is your understanding. Probably more than ever.
He needs your patience. Even if he asks you the same question, 10 times. He needs the whole truth, each time. I know it probably feels like
you want to snap at him, for asking over and over. Try your best not to.
Above all, you are not a failure. You are doing what you believe to be right, which is a whole lot more than most people can do.
As I have told your H before, not only can you both do this for your marriage, but you also have an excellent opportunity to teach your children a very valuable lesson in life.
Something most kids just don't learn.

Even while your H was having to deal with, and experience this pain, he took the time out to really help me with what I'm dealing with. And I mean really help. That's as close as you get to a selfless act. Not many people can see past themselves to do that.
Hang in there, it does get better. Much better.

AW and Myrta

I was an OM , I was in deep shi*. It took me a full 12 months to back on track. I have also posted a recent post for myrta under kiwijs thread.

AW ,you were a great wife and mom. your choices became poor for some time. U did some mistakes and now into this mess. U can not erase that part out of our life. What else can you do????

You can not just erase Aussies pain. ( Aussie i am proud of you man !). you can not change him. He is the one who got betrayed and he needs a lot of time to process all these. He needs time.

There is only one way to get out of this. Become a better person, be there for him. Just be there for him . you can not do anything. Its hard time in both of your lives.Aussie is facing a crisis becasue of your betrayal, his army problems, losing buddies etc.. but he is still there facing them all. He has not ran away from you. AW it takes lots of time. Just hang in. Just be there. Just make yourself a better person. He needs you more now more than anytime in his life. He might LB you, he might curse you, he might not even stop talking to you and insult you. but is there anyone in this world who knows him better than you?. If you are not ready to help him now then who????

So become a better person. SMILE. Just be there . Just start accepting your shortcomings and stay as a pillar. If you are not going to divert your guilt in a positive note , that will eat both of you. So take a decison. What ever your kids say , accept them and talk with them. Try to become a better mother. I can understand how awful you feel about all these. But can you change and erase what have you done??????

Dont kill your future and present because of your past. Plan A your H. Plan A your Kids. They are not monsters. They are confused human beings. Their confusion stems from FEAR. FEAR Of LOSING YOU. Fear of having a bad future. Myrta and AW, your hubbies need time to process all these. If you both leave them now and not helping , that is the biggest betrayal than you both have done. Stay strong and divert your guilt into remorse and be there for your family.

God Bless you all.
Smile for your hubbies.

love
dhanush

Aussie Wife,

It is good to see you here. I hope that talking about this will help you as well as your H. I would like to reiterate what others have said. For this recovery to work you need to focus on your marriage and doing your best to reassure your H that you do love him and you do want to be married to him.

How to do that is not as obvious is it? He doesn't trust you, so what you say is probably met with at best grudging acceptance right now. But, keep it up and do something else...be strong and stand tall. You are attempting something very hard to do, but you are facing it, and you will do your best to make it work. You don't have to apologize for that.

One of my all time favorite posters here who goes by the name of "K" explained in a post that when he found out his W was pregnant with OM's child, he viewed as an OPPORTUNITY to save his marriage. NOw the situation was more complicated than that, but when I read that I thought "Wow". He sees THAT as an OPPORTUNITY???? Well, he did, and he and his W are still married and raising their 3 children one of whom is by the OM. That child is a very special child to him.

My point? You AND your H have an OPPORTUNITY to make your marriage better, more meaningful, and something that nurtures you both. I know it is easy to see the bad things, the things that get you down, and I know it is true for your H as well. But, AW, you do have an OPPORTUNITY and if you seize it, you will be happier, your children will be proud of you, and your marriage will very likely succeed.

Please do some reading here and ask LOTS of questions.

God Bless,

JL

AW :

The most devastating effect of the affair is the complete lack of trust.

Even when my wife appears to be loving I am still uneasy because I can remember a few occasions when she was equally loving during her affair. I also read the words of love she wrote to the OM. These were very intense and afterwards she said that maybe she never loved the OM otherwise she would be with him.

So I hear the words, explore the facial expressions, read the body language and remained confused. I have seen this before and I never questioned anything. Now, I hear the same loving phrases and I am uneasy.

Myrta has said that I should then look at her actions. She did not elope with the OM and is here with me. The OM got dumped and therefore I should be OK. I think JL is correct--- actions are louder than words and perhaps you should emphasize that.

Well

I’m almost at a loss for words. I really didn’t expect any support or much help but it is all I have got . When I posted on another site the best I got was ‘well what did you expect you stupid *****’ .
So you can understand my reluctance to try it again because I already know THAT!!

So first of all thank you all.

You have also given me a lot to thing on , how I can show my H that he can trust me, that its safe to love me again.

Yes it does seem as if everything I do is looked upon with total distrust, JL I’d be grateful for grudging acceptance right now by Aussie. I feel like I’m trying to shovel dust mites from one side of the room to another. An impossible task.

Yes a few of you have hit upon when things started to go wrong. The war. Afghanistan was bad enough but then when Iraq started . Well I guess that was my fault. I was very anti war on Iraq, I did all the marches here, did the citizen petitions, the whole lot. I don’t think I ever lacked supporting him but maybe I allowed on my part for a bit of distance to grow between us.

Smur you were right on the money, I am now in the wreckage caused by some stupid decisions based on feelings that somehow seemed important at the time and now seem totally insignificant if not downright humiliating.

I feel like a fool.

Well I’m going to try to do as many here suggest and as JL put it ‘doing your best to reassure your H that you do love him and you do want to be married to him’ … ‘AW, you do have an OPPORTUNITY and if you seize it, you will be happier’ …ah perhaps. I just hope Aussie does not see things in black & white like he used to. Because that thought disheartens me.

Stanley your Myrta sounds such a good person so I do hope you will forgive her & let her show you what she feels.
I think Aussie still sees all too clearly me & the OM rutting like animals, Uck even thinking about that now makes me ill.
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

aussieswife,

Just wanted to say that I'm another WW. I got advice and some support (and some flak too, but that was to be expected!). We all make mistakes, and it'll take time to see the real fallout of our choices. I'm glad that you didn't love the OM. In my case, I *was* deeply in love with my ex (she was a woman). She was the one who ended it. Both she and I had marriages and children, and she couldn't continue with the deception. I don't know if I would have chosen a life with her over a life with my H and children, but I thought I'd wait it out until our children were all grown and then see how we felt. All throughout, I loved my H too, as I'm sure you did. I know that many people here don't believe that, since we were the ones who cheated on these men that we "love", but I know how I feel. I was in love with 2 people at once.

I just want to wish you luck. I haven't read your H's story here. It sounds like he loves you and he cares enough to come here and get help. Try not to beat yourself up over your poor choices. Try to learn and try to make your marriage strong. Sounds like you can! Take care.

CC

AW,

Well, I'm glad you took the chance of posting on another board (this one)
I guess I would probably be pretty damned aprehensive about that after being called names on some other board.
I think you'll find a much more caring and mature audience here. There are a lot of BSs and WSs here. Quite a few of them are married couples posting in the same threads, such as Stanley and Myrta.
It's my hope that someday soon, both you and Aussie can also post in the same thread. Together to get answers to your questions that you both feel you can share with one another.
But there's no hurry. Take things at whatever speed you two feel comfortable with.

Had lunch today with Aussie.
Everything can be great as long as we avoid the affair issue, I agree with that assessment for sure.
I actually find myself looking forward to lunch with him, simply because we are together. I don’t think its been like that since before the kids were born, you know, school, sports, after school activities, half days because I had to pick kids up from school, we simply had no time, or he was off playing soldier somewhere.
Its nice.

While I am mentioning the affair talk I do admit I get very defensive when he asks questions about why didn’t I seek him for comfort and release. I really don’t have a clear answer and I’m not sure I ever will.
Did I not want to put any more on his plate then he already had, or did I use that as an excuse? Not sure.
He gets very frustrated at that and & said I should know because otherwise it could happen again.
I can tell you this, I rather turn to being a Nun who abstains from sex then ever ever cheating again for any reason. But will he even listen to that, no. Well I suppose I have only myself to blame don’t I.

He wants me to leave my job.
Damn it that sucks!! I don’t see why I have to give up what I love to do because I failed him. The job didn’t fail him, I did.
Is this someway he wants to punish me? He’s gone a lot of the time and if he gets back on full duties who knows when I will see him from month to month.
Why can’t I do what I enjoy and I am good at?
It not for money, because I don’t get a fortune I can tell you. If it was about money I would leave at a drop of the hat.

He’s dedicated to his job, for Gods sake it will probably kill him one day sooner or later. I very reluctantly accept that, I don’t like it or want it but I accept it. Well I try really hard to accept.
Is it so much to ask for him to let me spend my work hours with abused kids? I’m trying to do something worthwhile, something I am good at.

He really pisses me off when he gets all sh***ty about this. It seems he just wants to make me pay while he gets to do exactly what he wants!!

See I get so angry with him on this. Change subject & calm down.


Better,

Ok lunch, yes I loved it, brought our own from home, sat at a park bench hoping it would not rain and made some jokes, he can be funny you know believe it or not, pretty dry sense of humour.
Then I saw him go a bit serious and resigned myself to another round of why did you’s or how did you’s.
However, he told me that before he meet me he had a girlfriend, well yes I know that, well apparently she got pregnant and has only just told him she a little boy who is now an adult and that all was cool, she just wanted to let him know so that if any medical issues ever came up in the future he would know who this young man was.

Said he was not going to tell me right now but as I was on the board now I might read it and he felt I should hear it from him. How magnanimous of him (see still pissed at him re the job)

Well, I didn’t know how to respond, but , ok I had a nasty petty little thought of 'see if you had kept your old fella in your trousers you wouldn’t have had any issue would you so you’re not so innocent buster'.

Anyway as far as practical issues go we can tell or not tell our kids once he confirms it for sure, no support of course which the lack of I have issues with except he didn’t know & assured me the woman’s husband adopted him at birth or had his name of the birth certificate, he was not sure which really, and was quite well off so he lacked for nothing. Just didn’t want a third person in their marriage. Yeah ok I got THAT barb. Breathing, & 1, 2 , 3,,, ok

Anyway, I can’t have an issue with something before I knew him and he didn’t know about until recently. Well I suppose we will deal with this little revelation when or if it becomes something we need to act on. I don’t see any big problem.

<small>[ October 05, 2004, 11:31 AM: Message edited by: aussieswife ]</small>

Stanley, I think you hit the nail on the head.

I've only known about my wife's affair for a couple of days. But...I feel such a loss right now. I don't see how I'll ever be able to get back to the level of implicit trust.

The position is a difficult one, because even when you receive love...you have to wonder if it's real.

Andrew:

For trust to come back your wife must allow herself to be a completely open book for a long time. You must have access to everything and she should talk to you often during the day and tell you what she is doing. Be in touch all the time and have no secrets. Know all her passwords, voicemail, ect. Then one day you will trust again.

CIAO!

Stanley,

Thanks for the advice. I've already done of what you suggest...we each know each other's passwords, for instance.

I guess the hard part to accept is that there WERE secrets. I mean...I thought I was pretty on top of things. But, then I found out that she had set up a secret email account that was used by she and her lover. The only way I found out about the affair was to work backwards from there.

The question I have is how you know that you everything. Because obviously I thought I did..but I didn't.

At some point, you have to take the leap of faith, I guess.

At some point, you have to take the leap of faith, I guess.

WWs need attention-- constant attention. The main reason they go wayward is low self-esteem and a craving for attention. OM provides the attention. So you will have to provide attention forever! If she goes wayward again despite attention then there is another problem. It could be stress, childhood, middle age rebellion, ect.

In any event at some point you will trust again and then one day you will stop monitoring. However, i suggest periodic maintenance and do a check up every few months.

AW,

You said a few things that I thought I would comment on. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Everything can be great as long as we avoid the affair issue, I agree with that assessment for sure.
I actually find myself looking forward to lunch with him, simply because we are together. I don’t think its been like that since before the kids were born, you know, school, sports, after school activities, half days because I had to pick kids up from school, we simply had no time, or he was off playing soldier somewhere.
Its nice.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">AW, it is good that you are seeing another side to things and he is as well. IT is good to NOT talk about the A all of the time and remember why you two married one another. Enjoy it and hopefully he will as well.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While I am mentioning the affair talk I do admit I get very defensive when he asks questions about why didn’t I seek him for comfort and release. I really don’t have a clear answer and I’m not sure I ever will.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you have a clear plan as to how you will handle things in the future? Do you understand why he asks you those questions? If you don't you should ask him. I am guessing that he does NOT feel you need him or trust him to help you when you need help. Given what he does for a living, don't you think it would hurt a bit to hear this? No one wants to hear from their spouse that they don't trust or need them in a time to trial, but someone who is in the military "feeds" on just that helping and sacrificing for other people.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did I not want to put any more on his plate then he already had, or did I use that as an excuse? Not sure.
He gets very frustrated at that and & said I should know because otherwise it could happen again.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is right, but again the frustration might have more to do with the thought that he failed you because you felt he could NOT handle the stress of helping you.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can tell you this, I rather turn to being a Nun who abstains from sex then ever ever cheating again for any reason. But will he even listen to that, no. Well I suppose I have only myself to blame don’t I.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, that is true you do have yourself to blame. HOWEVER, he will come to listen to you, and I am sure he does NOT want you joining a Nunnery. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He wants me to leave my job.
Damn it that sucks!! I don’t see why I have to give up what I love to do because I failed him. The job didn’t fail him, I did.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, you are right, but he sees a causal link between the stress of your job and what you did. He sees that you are stressed by this job and hurt by it so the obvious answer is for you to leave it. At least to him. So AW think about this a bit. Here is a wonderful chance for you two to use the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA. Let's assume for a second that I might be close in his thinking.

If that is so, then what would it take for you to not have as much stress in your life via the job. Would it take talking to him about it? Would it take a perspective change on your part with respect to this job? Is there a way, for you and your H to "protect" you from the bad parts of the job, and still have you get the satisfaction out of it you seek?? That is something you two can talk about, itis something that you two might be able to come to a plan about.

If the idea from his side is to remove the stress,hence the likelihood of an affair, AND to have a happier W at home. And your goal is to derive enjoyment from this job, then perhaps there is a way to achieve both of your goals. Now is OM at your work? That is something else that must be addressed in this, but it will take both of you being very honest with one another, about what you each fear, what you each want, and then brainstorm some ideas. You two can do this.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is this someway he wants to punish me?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I doubt it. We talked about your job, and I commented that you each got something very similar out of your chosen professions. You may not see it but you are a lot like him in this regard. I think he wants to protect you and him, and he wants you happy and not needing to get blasted to relieve the stress. Talk about this AW, I think a solution that suits you both can be achieved once each of you talks about what you want, what you need, and why he is making these statements.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He’s gone a lot of the time and if he gets back on full duties who knows when I will see him from month to month.
Why can’t I do what I enjoy and I am good at?
It not for money, because I don’t get a fortune I can tell you. If it was about money I would leave at a drop of the hat.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you can. The easy solution to ease the stress and get you out of that environment. A better solution requires you two to really discuss this with the idea that it ends up as a win-win situation.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He’s dedicated to his job, for Gods sake it will probably kill him one day sooner or later. I very reluctantly accept that, I don’t like it or want it but I accept it. Well I try really hard to accept.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yup, he is like you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is it so much to ask for him to let me spend my work hours with abused kids? I’m trying to do something worthwhile, something I am good at.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No it is not, but what is the cost to you when you do this work? Have you addressed this? If so what is your plan for handling the stress other than going out drinking and getting in trouble? What will H's role in this? Can he help? Will you let him help? Is he willing to help? TALK to him but do it with the idea that you both should come out of this happy with yourselves and each other.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He really pisses me off when he gets all sh***ty about this. It seems he just wants to make me pay while he gets to do exactly what he wants!!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again I disagree with your assessment. I think you are LB'ing him with a disrespectful judgement, DJ. You are assuming you know what he thinks. You should read the articles here on Love busters and pay attention to DJ's they are very deadly to marriages because they are often not obvious and people take action based on them.

I think this is more about protection of you and himself.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See I get so angry with him on this. Change subject & calm down.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good idea, but why get angry when you don't know what he is thinking. Next time this subject comes up be calm and start asking him questions? Why do you want this? How do we accomplish this? Given that I want this, is there a way to make both of us happy? Listen to the man, and if you are confused ask questions, DON'T go into defensive mode, becuase then you will miss important information.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">However, he told me that before he meet me he had a girlfriend, well yes I know that, well apparently she got pregnant and has only just told him she a little boy who is now an adult and that all was cool, she just wanted to let him know so that if any medical issues ever came up in the future he would know who this young man was.

Said he was not going to tell me right now but as I was on the board now I might read it and he felt I should hear it from him. How magnanimous of him (see still pissed at him re the job)

Well, I didn’t know how to respond, but , ok I had a nasty petty little thought of 'see if you had kept your old fella in your trousers you wouldn’t have had any issue would you so you’re not so innocent buster'.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think he was sweating telling you this. Plus, he had to realize that "radical honesty" applied to him as well as you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> This was a bigger break through than you realize AW. I hope you two take the time to discuss this, and discuss him telling you this.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Anyway, I can’t have an issue with something before I knew him and he didn’t know about until recently. Well I suppose we will deal with this little revelation when or if it becomes something we need to act on. I don’t see any big problem.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think your assessment is right on.

Must go AW, but I hope something I have said is of use to you.

God Bless,

JL

Aussie's wife,

I think JL is right on the money - you could see the issue over your job stress as an opportunity to use POJA - in case you are not sure about the process, its explained in this site. The main thing is to brainstorm at first and not disregard any possibility, to keep an open mind, do your utmost to be calm and not be disrespectful. I guess if the main issue is your reaction to your work, rather than your actual job per se, then there is wider scope for discussion.

One more thing - when Aussie asked you about whether there were issues with you at the time that you didn't talk to him about, possibly because you didn't want to burden him any further or whatever - I think this is important. If you're not sure about whether there were things lacking for you, emotionally - maybe you could think about going to a counsellor yourself to try to work it out. There is also something on this site about working out your most important emotional needs. Personally, I don't find this easy and I think generally for people who are used to being fairly competent and self-sufficient, its difficult to know this about themselves. I think it might help you and it would also help Aussie, by the sounds of things, if you could give him an answer about this.