Good morning everyone...been gone for the weekend!! I have been reading posts this morning...wow...pretty active weekend. I wanted to share with you, if you dont mind, a letter that I posted for Orchid in Plan A/Plan B forum to WS, hoping to maybe help someone...there are many more things I could have said, but felt I said too much anyway. I was just trying to help maybe burn off some fog for some WS and to let them know they are welcome and understood more than they know...I hope you all had a good weekend and have an even better Monday!! Keep the faith...<P>Trueheart<P>Orchid...Sorry this took so long! I had a busy weekend, but you guys were all in my thoughts and prayers!!! Here goes...I hope it helps someone out there that reads it...<BR>Dear WS's everywhere,<P>Thank you for taking the time and effort to read this letter. I am writing this in hopes that your BS has brought you here in order that you might understand you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. It is intended to give you a measure of comfort and hope that you can feel safe as you come out the fog that has enveloped you so tightly over the past weeks, months, or years. <P>I do not know m any of you by name, nor do I know of all the details or circumstances surrounding your life, or your affair(s). What I do know is that we share two very important things in our lives and makes us somewhat connected as a WS. I am hoping that I can help you come back to the light, so that you can come back to the light that has, for so long, shielded you with that dense fog you may still be in. <P>The first thing that we share is the love of a person that totally, completely, and unconditionally stand by our side. Through thick and thin, for better or worse, in our darkest hours, we have someone that has always believed in us, and still does. They have put up with our lies, our anger, our accusations, and maybe in some cases verbal and/or physical abusiveness. They have watched us trash us the things they believed in more than anything in the world...our marriage, our vows, our trust and our love. In spite of it all, they see in us their hopes, their dreams, and their futures. They can't, nor do they want to, see themselves without us for the rest of their lives. They accept our imperfections and our infidelity as we have strayed from that which we know is wrong. They have continued to believe in us and want to help us right the ship and stay the course. They are willing to forgive us, grant us our mistakes, and come home to rebuild that life and make it better. They know they are not perfect, as well. They know they have made mistakes. They need us to open up, talk to them and give them answers so that they can learn, heal, and help repair the damage. They will accept their responsibility in these things. Can you? We, most of us, alsoe have children that look at us, and see only the love of a Mom or a Dad. They don't see us as imperfect, scared, or angry. They see us as a shelter, a safe haven where they can laugh, cry, hurt, be silly or serious, and tell us their fears or fantasies. We are their safety net when they fall. They look to us for answers in life, no matter how big or small the answers are. Our life changed, no matter much we didn't want it to when we helped create that life. We owe our children the best chance to learn from us. We owe them our unconditional, total, and complete love, so that they can start on the journey with as few bumps and bruises as possible. They look to you for truth in their lives. To deny them that chance, is a travesty. You took an oath, in your heart and mind, to protect and defend and teach YOUR child, as soon as they were created. So, you see, you have people in your life that believe in you, love you, accept you, want you, need you, cherish you, and the list goes on and on. <P>I know for a fact, that many of you, when with the OP, badmouth your spouse. You tell the OP how they do all the right things, fill you up, make you feel alive, do all the things your spouse does not, or used to do. You tell this person they are everything you ever wanted. They arouse you, they make you happy...interesting how you told your spouse that at one time too. And, the truth is, if you were to search your heart, you are not letting them do that now. They want to, they beg you to let them try...you justify your A, by telling them "I just don't feel that for you anymore", "I don't know if I want to be married anymore", "I dont know what I want", and a myriad of other flimsy reasons and excuses to buy time to spend with the OP. You give justifications that are so superficial they can't hold water. We even search our minds to think of everything that our spouse ever did, no matter how insignificant, how long ago it was, in order to make us feel better about cheating. We can find any reason to blame our spouse for US deciding and making a conscious choice to cheat and find a reason to say it is ok. What we should be doing is finding every reason for our BS to forgive us. We should be finding every reason to stay together, to come home, to make it right, to be a family...loving and supportive, forgiving and trusting. And you know what? Those reasons are there...everyday...the smile, the laugh, the tears, the love....they are there each and everyday!! Just look!!!<P>The second thing we share is the fact that we are all weak!! I know full well the pain, anger, frustration, fear, embarrassment, passion, fun, laughter, love, fear, and all the rest of the wide range of emotions of having an A. I know what is like to have that OP fill up your senses...so full and so fast you wonder how you ever made it without them. The sex is great, the passion is overwhelming, you can't wait to see them, touch them, hear them...all the while drifting further and further from your marriage...lost in the fog. NO matter how we justify it, that other person...is a cheater, as well. They know we are married and they choose to cheat with us. And in many cases, probably have before, and have told the other person they are with, all the same, exact things they tell us. "You are my soulmate" "you are the only one for me" etc etc. We have heard em all and said em all. We have been told they can make us happy "for the rest of our lives". WE have been so blinded by it all, that we give up family and friends we have had for years, in order for this OP to feel safe with us and convince them how we feel. We take all the energies that we don't use at home, and give them to someone "new". We spend money, time, and energy to build something with someone exciting, instead of spending that with someone that knows us and truly loves us. You see, the truth is, that we, both members of the affair, are very good at one thing....telling each other exactly what we want to hear. We put together elaborate speeches, write poetry, find mushy cards, send the "perfect" gifts, say the right things...all for this other person. Both of us continue to hone our "cheating" skills to the point of perfection. What ever happened to doing that to your spouse, instead of leaving them at the side of the road with a flat tire? We have derailed their entire life and emotionally checked out...in order to make us feel better about the affair. That simply isn't right. We took years to build something. We may have taken several years to weaken the foundation of it. But in one simple night of lust, and that is what it is, lust, we tried to destroy it. If we truly "loved" this person, if we truly believed what we were doing is right, true, and good, there would be no indecision on our part. There would be no hesitancy at all. The bottom line is that, you can trust the person you are cheating with less than you can trust yourself. It is a proven fact that only 25% of all affairs ever make it. Deep down in your heart, you still love your spouse, and you know it. You don't want to give up the excitement and passion you have found. The truth is that your marriage will never again go back to what it was. The blind faith in each other is gone....it is replaced with doubt and fear. The wonderful thing is that you now have a chance to "rediscover" your spouse, your marriage, and your family. It is not as hard as you may think, but will take some dedication on your part. But the beauty of the whole thing is you will be stronger and more in love than you ever thought you could be. You create new memories, new routines, a new life. You re-commit, reinvest your time and energies in that which truly loves you. The truth is most affairs end when the OP either gets what they thought they needed from you, and even more of them end when the OP finds another WS. Oddly enough, you weren't enough for them either. In the end you are left with no loving spouse, no children, no family, no friends.....and your OP that was so steadfastly dedicated to you is off romping with "the love of their life". I know from whence I speak, my friends. I know of the pain, the sorrow, the hurt, the look in my childrens eyes when I left the house. I hear the sounds of my W crying, begging, pleading, and hurting. I now see what a fool I was. I now spend everyday, more happy than I ever thought I could be. If the world were to end tomorrow, she would know I loved her as no other. No, she won't ever forget about the A, and along the way, there will be things that will trigger her mind, but, she has forgiven. You need to talk to your spouse to help them. YOU are the only one that can help them. They need you, much more now than ever before. You have to swallow that pride of yours, for them to heal. You have to open your life up to them, and hide nothing. You have to make it about them. The affair was making it about you, so now you owe it to them, no matter how embarrassed you are, no matter how much you don't wnat to talk about it, to make it about them. Their piece of mind, their feelings are all that matter. They know, from being here, what they need to do in order to help meet your needs. It is now up to you, to learn what you need to do in order to meet theirs. And make no mistake about it, it will be hard work, but it is oh so worth it!! This person you married, is willing to work with you in order to show you the love you deserve!! Are you willing to work to show them how much you truly love them?? By being here, at Marriage Builders, they have shown that they are willing to adopt the principles that it takes to put their marriage back together. They have pledged their love, and even their support, to your recovery, as well as theirs. They have accepted the crumbs you have offered them, while knowing full well you were at the buffet with the other person in your life. You have one of the strongest, most committed, most wonderful, loving, and caring people in the world on your side. Don't expect them not be angry from time to time. Don't expect them to be perfect, let you off the hook, and not talk about it with you. They need and want to understand you and all the things surrounding what happened. It is part of the healing process. What you can expect is love, honesty, and the rebuilding of your marriage. They know what it takes to make things work now. They also know that they, as well as you, have to be stronger than ever before in their life, if this is going to work. That is why they are still here...they understand. They even know, that you may backslide in the beginning, but are willing to deal with that, in order to preserve and protect that which they believe in ......YOU. I implore you, WS, burn off the fog. See the sand that is your foundation for the affair. There is no solid basis for this relationship..it is all smoke and mirrors that reflects this "love" you have found. Run, do not walk, back home and give your marriage all the energy, gifts, poems, cards, and love that you have given to the affair. The results are remarkable. But you have to be willing to be honest with yourself, first of all. You have to admit there is a problem, and you have to be willing to fix it, with your spouse, a counselor, whatever or whoever it takes to fix it. You have to be willing to want to be there in mind, body, and spirit. You will find a love more wonderful than anything you knew before. <P>I hope this helps, in some way, to show you what life can be after an affair. I know that I am blessed with the most wonderful person. I was given the opportunity to feel what life was like without her, and it was not what I wanted. I found the answers I sought...I found them both here, and in her arms. I can only hope, that in some small way, you find the same thing, and that I helped the fog to lift. If you ever wish to talk to someone who understands what we WS go through, then feel free to write ***EDIT*** There is a path back home. You need only choose it! Keep the faith!<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart<P>

Trueheart--<P>Tears just came...you have written the letter and said the words I dream my H will say one day to me...<P>I hope that your letter is a foghorn and brings at least one WS home.<P>For all the brave words I write in my posts...I feel so empty, alone and scared at night now once he leaves...<P>Cali

trueheart - Wow, thanks for your effort. If only one WS is moved by it, it will have been worth it. It also contains valuable messages for the BSs.<P>Thanks,<BR>Dave (WAT)

Dear TrueHeart & W,<P>Thank you so much for your letter. I do plan to share it with my H. This is what we needed. A letter from the heart. In light of the current events with ICTOAN's situation, this carrys even more weight now. We, all of us, BS and Ws alike can not continue to play with the fire of an A at any level. The outcome is our lives and that of our families. Moments of desparation can make it worse and the future changes in that moment. It is my deepest hope that we all learn from this tragedy and that your letter will also help some to come out of the fog. That kick in the pants we all need to keep going in the right direction. <P>Trueheart, if you could, please convey to your W that I really appreciate her efforts as well as yours in helping us frail little ones here. The assistance you have provided and the great time you have taken to write such a moving letter is to be highly commended. <P>I want to say more, but am at a loss for words. You know that does not happen too often LOL!!!<P>Take care and <BR>Mahalo,<BR>L.<BR>

To the top for other 'WS to see if it can help.....<P>Trueheart

Cali, WAT, and Orchid...<P>I came here in a time of need and found the greatest amount of support and non judgement. My feeling is this *support group* has helped me so much to realize what my W has gone through. You three, as well as many others have helped me in so many ways. In the way I have read the stories of others, it has helped me to realize how deep the hurt goes, the pain I caused, and the anguish I put her through. I am only so glad that I have been able to give something back to those that have helped me. It is the least I could do...I hope this helps one or two in their struggles...(hopefully more... )<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart

trueheart,<P>Your letter to WS's was truly inspiring. It gave me reason to be encouraged that someday my W may realize what she has with me and what she stands to lose. No one can love my W more deeply than I do, and I will continue to show her in every way I can with the hope that she may one day reach the point of enlightenment that you have. Thank for giving me a reason to keep going.<P>sad dad

Thanks sad dad...<P>I think it is a tragedy the fog and the fences we build while doing this. We are so blinded. I only hope your W can find the light before she loses something so wonderful as her loving H and family!<P>Thanks for reading my letter!!<P>Trueheart

Trueheart-<P>Though I have reached the point of no longer wanting my WS or our marriage (after so many fake reconciliations and too much to "other" stuff to name here), your post moved me. I'm quite sure that one day my WS will look back and wonder what in the he%^ he has done with his life. I hope this will benefit any "fence-sitting" WS's out there. Wonderful words from a truly repentant WS!

trueheart,<P>It brought tears to my eyes. I wish my SO/fiancee could understand just how much pain this affair has caused me. I have forgiven him for the physical aspects of the affair, but suffer more from the lack of effort he is making in recovery. I guess he thinks he gave her up and came home, that should be enough but it definetly doesn't address the self doubts.<P>danafox

Thanks for reading and taking the time to post!!<P>Trapped...Even with as much as I have learned here, I do realize there are WS that never come out of the fog. I do know there are marriages that cannot be salvaged and end in D. I also know, in my cirlce, of a few cases where it took another failure in that WS life to make them realize what they had. I wish you all the luck in the world in your future!!<P>Dana...Try making a copy of this letter and giving it to your fiancee. Maybe if he sees something from another WS, it will help him put it in perspective what he has done. You are right in that he thinks just coming home makes it all better (from his persective). He hasnt gotten to the point yet where it about you! If he is willing to listen, we are willing to help him realize it. I would caution you not to do this in a threatening way...come from a loving place and maybe he will be open to reading this and listening to those that have been there. Keep the faith!<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our bravest deeds!*<P>Trueheart

I would love so much for my WH to read your letter. I just don't think he will, and I'm too scared to try. My preaching, lecturing, and trying to get him to read stuff, is major LB's. I'm really trying to not do that stuff anymore. I try to be very selective when suggesting reading material for him, so that I don't do it often and he will respond to the occasional recommendation. And he's not much of a reader - he'd much rather watch movies (yeah - he'll really find the right answers to marriage there!!!) I'm so frustrated. I see such wonderful things for him all the time "Ooh, I wish he could read this. I wish he could see that." So this is where I am - trying to let him be his own self, waiting for the fog to clear a bit so he can find some answers - and not be his mom or teacher... I will hold on to your letter, becuase it is truly wonderful. Maybe the right time will come and I can share it with him.<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 18, 2001).]

Faith,<P>Thanks so much for taking the time to read it and respond. I know how it goes with the LB thing and wish he would drop the remote for a bit. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our *escapes*, that we miss what we really need. And there are so many ways to escape these days, huh? It seems to me the only time some of the WS respond to anything, is when they are in crisis and scramble mode, faced with absolute decisions. It is then and only then that so many of them tend to realize the depth of the situation and attach the proper importance to it. They mask their own pain and therefore their spouses with the *ignorance is bliss* type of mentality. I hope your H realizes soon the sacrifices you make every day in helping him through the fog. Keep the faith!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams*<P>Trueheart

thank you trueheart. You have been very inspirational to me, and I wanted to let you know that I really appreciate your responses to my threads. <P>I hope you get a chance to read my latest post on "Yeah, Yeah, I know H is waffling". I think you can understand what my H is going through (being scared that it won't work out). <P>I am considering emailing him a copy of your letter. I would have to do it so that it was not considered an LB of course, this may prove to be tough...<P>Thanks again.<BR>HbH

Thank you - you made me cry...<P>------------------<BR>When we walk to the edge of all the light we have, and take that step into the darkness of the unknown, we must believe that one of two things will happen - there will be something there for us to stand on, or God will teach us how to fly.

HbyH...<P>I already read that one, and have been thinking of how to respond to it!! I hope so much for him to come out of the fog. You are truly a wonderful person and he doesnt want to lose that!! <P>As for it not being an LB, maybe copying it down and just leaving it for him with a note attached..coming from a loving place in your heart. You will choose the right time for him to be open enough to see it!! Keep the faith!!<P>Marissa....thanks so much for reading and responding. I have been lucky to have a couple of WS email me to let me know it was exactly how they felt and it helped them to open their eyes!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

I am a Ws. You're letter made me cry. It made me want to try even harder. Things haven't been good. Last night they started to improve. I know my H. loves me and I know I love him, but it's going to be a long process. There is so many other things besides the A. Thank you for your insight. I have hopes that we will be happier than we ever have been. Your words are from the heart and I believe they are a God send to me. "Somebody still loves you" Queen.

Rainefall,<P>Thanks so much for reading the post. I am so hopeful for you! I am really glad that some WS have been touched by what I wrote. You are not unlike most here, in that there are more issues then *just the affair*. Don't try to solve all the problems at once. Break things down into bite sized pieces. Identify the major stumbling blocks, and you will find that alot of the little things will disappear along the way. But solving the problems one at a time, is not nearly as daunting a task as looking at the whole situation. Sometime we get stuck in the *I want it all* mode, that we forget to celebrate the little victories along the way. Try not to fall into that trap. Love each other a little bit everyday and the journey becomes one of partnership and teamwork!! Thanks for your response! It is really nice to know its working!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

Trueheart,<P>Thank you for your letter. I have read it several times and each time I have tears welling up in me. Your letter has touched me in many ways. Finally I have some insight into what my WS must be going through and that has helped me to understand why she says and does certain things. As I read your letter I could almost see and hear my W. I have been given many of the same excuses and justification for her A. When you said the OP was a cheater as well and probable had before, so true. WS has told me OM has dated married women before even was engaged twice but she still doesn't see it, fog. The part about poetry, my W has written some wonderful poetry about our children, her pain and the OM but nothing of me. I hope someday my W can write a letter such as you have.<P>I have printed out a copy and I left it at her house last night with a letter from me. I hope she reads it, I'm not sure what to exspect but I think it would do good to know there are others out there who truely know how she feels. On many occasions she has said " no one knows how I feel, no one understands, everyone just sees how wrong I am and blames me, no one understands that I'm in love " so maybe this can help her in some way.<P>Thank you again, you have restored my hope and stengthend my resolve, just what I needed right now. <P>silwl

sil...<P>I dont know where your W head is at right now, but if she ever wants to talk to someone who does understand it, let me know. I will listen and help in any way I can.<P>Trueheart