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#1435913 - 07/24/05 12:46 AM Why does he like to hide porn movies from me?
Givenchy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/27/04
Posts: 11
Over past couple of years, I found him hidden porn movies from me even after I told him that we could watch them together. His excuse was he didn’t think I was interested. When I said I would like him to share them with me, he said if I am interested why don’t I find some so we could watch. So I did, I rented a great movie, which is not a porn movie but it is award-winning R rated movie with porn like scenes. While we were watching it, I noticed that he was surfing on the Internet and he didn’t even care to watch it. I was upset, because since the first time I found those hidden porn movies till today, I was trying to shorten this distance between us. I was trying to let him know that he didn’t need to hide anything from me. I don’t expect him to like this movie, but at least he could show a little appreciation of my efforts. When I said to him, he told me I was only trying to make excuse to fight. Now we are not talking to each other. Should I just stop making any effort and just let it be? Why does he like to hide them from me? What can I do? What should I do? I am so helpless now.

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#1435914 - 07/24/05 02:50 AM Re: Why does he like to hide porn movies from me? [Re: Givenchy]
Jaye Mathisen Offline
Member

Registered: 12/12/04
Posts: 1568

Unfortunately, I personally wont' be able to offer much advice, as I'm not a big fan of the need for porn in a marriage. Seems to cheapen it somehow.

However, I would be curious as to what kind of stuff he was surfing on the net while avoiding watching the movie from you.

How do you guys do in UA time normally durin gthe week? Renting a movie he's not interested in, and then being offended that he's not interested doesn't do much for bringing closeness.

Frankly, I think you need to step back and not worry about the porn issue right this second, and start diagnosing the issues in the marriage as a whole. Closeness comes from meeting each others top EN's. So get familiar with the Basic Concepts (THe concepts link at the top), read the Q&A section which shows how to apply those concepts in everyday life.

See if your H will be willing for you and him to tak e the EN questionnaire and then get to work on doing those kinds of things.

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#1435915 - 08/11/05 08:17 AM Re: Why does he like to hide porn movies from me? [Re: Jaye Mathisen]
jpush Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/10/05
Posts: 9
The thought that comes to mind is, the outragous sex acks is the porn movies are filling the gap he needs in your love making with him. He just doesn't want to hurt you by letting you think you are not enough. Some guys wish to be race car drivers, but are just as happy going fast around the on ramp to the freeway. It's just a thing, try not to feel left out.
_________________________
rock and a hard place

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#1435916 - 08/12/05 09:22 AM Re: Why does he like to hide porn movies from me? [Re: jpush]
pieta Offline
Member

Registered: 08/04/05
Posts: 2578
I believe that most men have some kind of interest in porn. I have read in many sources that the male brain is particularly responsive to and stimulated by visual imagery. Males frequently use visual images as an aid to masturbation. Maybe it is solo sex your husband is seeking.

Some people think that any form of viewing porn is cheating or a sign of moral weakness. Many women dislike porn because it objectifies women, but your objections do not seem to arise from such classic feminist concerns.

As for the porn, here's one constructive way to think about it, or any other element in your M: Does his interest in porn ever take precedence over his interest in you or in any way come at the expense of your R? When it begins to substitute for a human relationship, that's when it's time to worry.

If you really want to have a good, real relationship with your husband, you could use his interest in pornographic images as a starting point for a conversation about his sexual fantasies. When two people can conduct that kind of conversation, they have a real intimacy. You might want to know what kinds of things he likes to look at and why-because he might have sexual interests that could be satisfied in the relationship that are not now being met. That's a very different kind of conversation than one that one you had, one that builds trust between two people.
_________________________
Me: 56
H: 61
DD: 13 and hormonal
DS: 20

Oldest son died 1994 @ age 8

Happily married 30+ years

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#1435917 - 08/12/05 09:36 AM Re: Why does he like to hide porn movies from me? [Re: pieta]
mineownself Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/03
Posts: 4323
Heh, I used to think fairly similarly to what others here are saying about porn not being that big a deal.

But that was before I understood much of anything about how the human mind works and the nature of prejudice. Now I know that to participate in any activity that dehumanizes an entire class of people damages one's ability to have a meaningful relationship with a member of that class, and that it's inevitable that the dehumanization will be turned against the specific individuals in one's life.

So yes, I agree you've got bigger problems in your marriage than hiding movies -- what is going on with your H that he prefers to chase a dehumanized view of women and sexual interaction?

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#1435918 - 08/14/05 05:37 AM Re: Why does he like to hide porn movies from me? [Re: mineownself]
letmejustsay Offline
Member

Registered: 07/15/05
Posts: 224
Hi , have to say that I agree entirely with mineownself, porn may sit okay with a couple for a time (maybe even years) but I believe it ultimately undermines the intimacy. Ive just finsished reading a book where they talk about the fact that many couple use porn thinking it enhances their sex. but in truth it is only a false type of intimacy that is in fact just eroticism... I personally believe this....after years of hiding porn from me I have recently found out my husband is no longer attracted to me.......he says that all the porn images in his head have caused him problems in how he views women................Im an attractive woman in my early 30s and have several admirers....just not my H.
We are now in couseling at his request but to tell the truth Im not sure I want to stick with it (too much water under the bridge) So whilst some men might be able to handle porn (or appear to) I believe it can also be very destructive to some marriages.............
It is a medium that degrades half of humanity and makes it difficult to have meaningful relationships for some members of the other half..............I really would love to know why some men feel its even worth risking so much?????For what????

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