I recently subscribed to DivorceCare's daily emails...and have benefitted from their insight. I would like to excerpt a portion of the most recent one below...

***Ideally, the amount of energy you expend each day is equally balanced across the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of your life. But during and after a separation or divorce, your energy distribution is much different. As much as 85 percent of your energy can be diverted to dealing with the emotional upheaval, leaving only 15 percent to deal with all your physical, mental, and spiritual demands.

"Emotionally you're spinning," says Dr. Jim A. Talley. "You are going round and round. It's like you are running your engine wide open, but you're in neutral and not going anywhere, yet you can't shut the motor off. Eighty-five percent of your energy is being consumed in the whole emotional area. That leaves you 5 percent mental, 5 percent spiritual, and 5 percent physical. Mental difficulties include the inability to make decisions. Physically, you are totally exhausted. Spiritually, you have a loss of faith; you are not sure God exists, and you're not sure if you even care if He exists."

The emotional turmoil, the mental fog, the total loss of energy, and the questioning of God are to be expected. You don't desire any of it, but you have it, and your feelings and thoughts are natural.***

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I was thinking I was weak or crazy for being angry at God...in fact, I have questioned my faith more in the last 10 months then ever before in my life. I am hoping to grow closer to him as the D process nears its end. All I ever get from my WW is apathy and indifference. In fact, she didn't even contact me to see if I was staying through the hurricane about to hit Houston...how can love die so fast?

TM

Wow that's really interesting TM. Thanks for sharing that. I didn't even know about this DivorceCare email thing. I could really use it. I'll have to check into it. My divorce is slated for this Wednesday and I have so many mixed emotions about it.

Sorry to hear your WW is being so cold and indifferent {{{TM}}}


Take care,

~Jamie~

That article is absolutely correct! One of my biggest worries when I was going through this was that I would be so distracted, I wouldn't be able to do my job. I work for a company that requires top performance, especially by its management team and there I was so upset I couldn't think and didn't care about anything other than my marriage. Luckily, my boss had been through a divorce (wife was a lesbian, came out of the closet, and started an affair with another woman, then aonther, and another, and another, and then disappeared), so he understood what I was going through.

Jamie, I understand your mixed emotions. During the week that my D was final, I bounced between "oh, I love her so much. How can I go on without her" to "God, I hate that b*tch! I hope she rots in ******!" Both were expressions of the same emotion: love.

Love cannot die fast for you TM. You're a man and it doesn't happen that way for us. Women can turn love off like a light switch. All WWs are cold and indifferent. I know this hurts. The best response is to return the coldness and indifference. Right now, you get to be 100% selfish in regard to your ex-wife.

About getting angry wwith God... It's perfectly natural to be angry with God when horrilbe things happen to you. God undersands that we will feen a wide range of emotions in regard to him. Even Jesus was dismayed with him -- "Father, why have you forsaken me?" We try to live a good life and pray to him and then bad things happen to us, so we become angry. It is important to undersand something fundamental about the nature of God. He is not of this world, but of the next. God does not interfere with what goes on here. We must make our way through this world on our own. God will give us the strength and wisdom to endure its hardships, but he's not going to intervene and perform miracles for us. If he did, we would never learn and grow spiritually. When we accept this truth, we will never become angry with God again.

BTW, does anyone know why the word h-e-l-l is censored on this forum? It isn't a dirty word. If it's good enough for the Bible and the pulpit, it should be allowable here. After all, it's a "borrowed" word to describe a condition. "He11" was the garbage dump outside of Rome; a pit where they burned their refuse (including the bodies of slaves) and was always on fire -- a nasty, nasty place. Roman parents would threaten their children, telling them if they didn't behave, they'd be thrown into he11.

CheckUrHeart, I hope your not implying that all women are cold and indifferent and that we can "ALL" turn our love off like a switch. That is not the case with me. I wish I could turn it off that easy, believe me I do. But I just can't. When I fall in love, I do it for life!!

I do believe that most WS appear to turn thier love off like a light switch. "Appear" being the key word.

BTW - that is an interesting bit of trivia on He11.. I never knew that.

Take care,

~Jamie~

Jamie, this isn't my idea. It is female psychology. Some believe it is a self-preservation reaction. Not all women will allow this to happen, but you have the capacity. For men, love doesn't die instantly, but bleeds slowly to death. No, not all women are cold and indefferent. But cheating women who are tossing their marriage away almost always are.

PHEW!! Okay...thanks...lol

Take care,

~Jamie~

Mainegirl -

Thanks for the hugs...I sure need them recently - seems the ol' rollercoaster is dipping once again...

CheckUrHeart -

Luckily, I am self-employed, and have moved back in (temporarily) with my mother...so the fact that I have been very unproductive since my marriage started crumbling hasn't caused too much distruction in that area of my life. It is funny to hear the comments from my business associates, most of whom have never faced an A and consequent D. They are amazed at how I have, in such a short time, gone from a uber-responsible get-it-done-at-all-costs kinda guy, to one of the most irresponsible, flaky, who-gives-a-rats-a$$ kinda guy. I am starting to turn the corner on that, though. I was happy to read that this was a normal part of this process, and I wasn't simply crazy.

Because of my anger at God and my situation, I have not sought out a church to join since I left Los Angeles. I was attending there, but cannot seem to get past the inertia of making that first step. I know I will be much better supported, and unconditionally loved in such an environment, but for some reason cannot seem to bring myself to go. I think the fact that my mother is an Evangelical Charismatic who constantly preaches to me plays a part in it.

Maybe I should try to go tomorrow...



TM

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Those emails can be a huge source of encouragement and are full of wisdom too.

Are you attending any of theie classes in your area? I can vouch and say that if lead by a good Facilator that they would help you through this time of your life.

I attended their 13 week session here in my town almost two years ago, even before our divorce was final and just the thought and knowledge that I was not the only one feeling this way helped a lot. Not to mention that as I progressed through all those different stages it was nice to be able to identify with them.

Actually, I enjoyed them so much that I began helping with the classes at that Church and just started one at mine. After only three sessions there are people in this class who have been divorced for ten years that have been enlighted by what DivorceCare has to offer.

My prayers go out to you at this time.

Trusting Him

Travel'n,

I am on the church council and have attended church my entire life. I don't pretend to be a "chuch man" though nor am I very active in church activities. I just have always had a strong belief and faith.

However.... I find myself laying in bed at night telling God to "F&^C Off". I hate myself for it but the emtions that I have endured are sometimes unbearable. Then, I lash out at God. But maybe that is what he is there for? He lets me lash out at him, so I can channel my anger???

I just don't know sometimes....

Keith

Just because your mother is a evangelical charismatic doesn't mean that that form is right for you. If you prefer liturgical worship and a doctrine that has few "rules" and deemphasizes much of the guilt-based doctrines of some denominations, you may wish to try the Episcopal Church or other Anglican church, which teaches that one's spiritual life is guided by the Church, but their relationship with God is personal and private. I've known several people who believed but didn't find what they needed in most churches. They turned to Untiarianism and where they are very happy. Try a several demonimations to find which one has a form of worship right for you. I'd only warn you to be careful of some of the new congregations that have popped up over the last few years and are not associated with any established denominations or synods. These have popped up in shopping centers all over my area. Some are genuine, small congregations just getting established, but some are run by con artist preachers, or worse cultist, with bizzare and dangerous teaching.

Don't forget that being churched is not going to resolve your anger with God. There are many good Christians who do not attend church at all.

BTW, consider dropping the idea of finding peolpe who will love you unconditionally. This is a myth. Only God loves unconditionally. The rest of us always have conditions, whether we will admit it or not.

It's a long process TM, gonna take awhile. Specially with those relationships that started when we we young.
I just take it a day at a time. Anything more than that looks too gloomy, so I stick with each day only.

Funny you mention no concern about the hurricane, mine didn't either. And I half expected her too.

This is OT, but where in the world are you getting your "female psychology" from?? Men whose wives have had an affair are more likely to divorce their wives than wives whose husbands have an affair. Whose love has "died instantly" and who is "bleeding slowly to death"?

If ones wants to look at relationship psychology,in general,women most often carry the emotional components of a relationship...the "attachment" qualities. Men more often carry the logical, rational, self-sufficiency qualities...the autonomy components. While both have stereotypic aspects, I haven't seen the slant go in the direction of women whose love dies quickly and men who bleed to death slowly.

I'm not convinced that women who have affairs and toss away their marriages are any more cold and indifferent than many males. Ask those of us who are B-Wives. There have been discussions elsewhere on this forum that when women leave a marriage..they seem to leave rapidly...no looking back. Perhaps that leads to the perception that womens' love dies more quickly while men slowly bleed to death. As noted, however, often by the time a woman has decided to leave the marriage, she has made various attempts to try and turn the marriage around. Her efforts may not be heard or recognized by her spouse...or may be ignored. If she has had an affair, it is more likely to be tied into getting her emotional needs met. So, when she leaves, it can appear to the spouse that it is rapid, unexpected, and cold hearted. She may adjust better after the divorce because her feelings shut down long before the marriage ended.

Pain is pain.....Loss is loss...regardless of whether one is male or female. Thank goodness we have a forum such as this where people can come to heal their bleeding hearts....be it fast or slow. It sounds like these DivorceCare emails could be another good source of healing and support. I know that I plan on checking into them. Thanks TM for sharing this resource.

This DivorceCare advise explains it all----I, too, have never had so much trouble with my faith but in the last 3 years. Ya hear stories all the time about how God changed the vilest sinner, but I wondered, why the heck could God not do something with my WS who is really not evil but is just a bit troubled and deficient in his ability to love? That was my biggest battle. I still don't understand it but it has faded in its intensity. Learning more and more that some questions do not have answers.

I also was never so uninterested in the things around me, lacking energy and drive to experience life. That was scary to me so thanks for sharing this little tidbit. So glad this state is just temporary.

TW

I just now saw that the "y" was missing in my original post. My "y" key on my computer is temperamental at best, sorry.

The follow up to the DivorceCare email...it expounds on the "energy" concept...

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****Your energy imbalance affects every aspect of your life. You may feel guilty because you lack the spiritual energy to relate to God or because you lack the physical energy to care for your children or to keep up with family and friends. Please don't.

Dr. Jim A. Talley says, "You need to be aware that these things are normal and to be expected, that you will recover, and that things will be fine. It's a matter of going through the process and allowing God to help you stabilize yourself. Put yourself back on the right track, and allow God to walk through this process with you. It is not a quick fix.

"The painful reality is you have two choices as you walk through this process: You can either have extreme pain by doing it the right way or excruciating pain by doing it the wrong way. There is no pain-free way out."

Do not feel guilty if you are not living up to your own expectations of how you should act in regard to your spiritual, emotional, physical, or mental responses. Regaining a balance is not possible right now. Just take one forward step at a time.****

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TM