this thread is still under construction ... be patient

Let's start with a Harley quote (even tho I do vehemently OBJECT to Harley's use of the term 'lover':

[color:"blue"]"But plan A, an effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.

Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B." [/color]

This part is very important

"the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other"

So ... let's assume your Plan A has NOT worked to end the ugly affair, but it HAS worked to make you attractive to the wayward once again .... time to get those[color:"blue"] Plan B ducks lined up [/color]


[color:"red"]Now it is time to PROVIDE MOTIVATION for the oh-so-happy-cake-eating wayward [/color]


Pep

Plan B is never to be discussed with the wayward as an option

Plan B is a secret weapon, as far as informing the wayward what might be coming ... DON'T ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

NO threats or ultimatums

Plan B is a UNIlateral decision made by YOU the betrayed

Pep,
I know you are in progress on this so you may plan to cover this.

Today I tried to listen to the radio show- it was sort of in and out. I did hear him say that a copy of the plan B letter should be sent to the affair partner as well.

I don't remember seeing that before, but I could have just missed it.

Getting ready for Plan B .... you must have your heart and your mind in sync ...

So ... in order to do this ... have conversations with yourself

Here's how I did this myself ... what worked for me may or may not be what is best for you ... but I think it is useful to know how someone before you was sucessful

I am a visual learner

I must SEE things in order to better understand them ... and luckily for me ... this can be as simple as writing things down

I made a list of what I wanted in my marriage partner...

and when I started my list I started writing

"I don't think I want an UNfaithful spouse"

and as my list progressed... I was struck by the word "think"

that sounded so WEAK to me

so I changed it to

"I don't want an UNfaithful spouse."

it STILL sounded weak to me so I changed it to this:

"I am certain I will not stay married to an UNfaithful man."

I put the emphasis back on MY actionable decisions ...

then I kept going

"I am certain I will not stay married to a man who does not treat me with love and kindness."

"I am certain I will not raise my children in an environment where immoral behavior is tolerated."


... and so on ... it was a process of SELF DISCOVERY

YOU decide how to get your heart/mind in sync ... that's a requirement if this is going to work for you

and THAT, dear ones, is how you begin Plan B

SELF DISCOVERY to get your HEART and your MIND in sync

Pep

My Dear Sue,


I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible.

I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.


I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg for once and for all.


Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you.

I will also not be able to help you financially.

Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit.

If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.


I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him.

I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.


As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.


I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other.

We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.


I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.


With my love,
Jon

Greg; I love Sue with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for her to give me that chance.

Dear WS,

I love you! I know that you will always reside in my heart since I do have a great love for you after all we’ve gone through.

My anger and bitterness are too great for me to handle. I cannot continue to live a “normal” life with you and pretend to be happy. I am so sad and so miserable right now and I truly need to get a grip. That is why we must separate.

I am going to take this time apart to try and understand my part in all this as well as try to get rid of my negativity and constant dwelling on the past. I need to let go, release myself of the burden and forgive – forgive myself and you – for my sake!

For this to happen I ask for one month of no contact, unless it’s an emergency. It is very important to me that you respect my no contact request.

You asked if I would ever consider reconciliation and I would. I won’t take the opportunity to reconcile lightly and hope you wouldn’t either.

For reconciliation to happen I would need the following from you before making a commitment to reconcile:

> A full confession
> A sincere, remorseful apology
> Why you think this happened (name the problem –you’ve got to name it to claim it)
> A detailed recovery plan (what it is and how YOU plan to implement it)
> Proof you’re working a 12-step program for addiction


My hopes are to someday bring our family back together. The process of getting us to that point is up to you. If your hopes are the same as mine it will show in your actions and commitment to your own personal recovery and healing.

May God bless your days and guide your ways!
All My Love,

Dear husband,

This is a difficult letter for me to write, one that I have been mentally working on for weeks now. I have written this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. Please read every word I have written, for it is from the heart.

I would like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I neglected your needs, and failed to give you what you needed many times. I'm sure this helped create a voice in our marriage that allowed your affair to happen. I have said this before, and I want to say it again: I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I feel that I have been learning ways to be the type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife, as I have so many times felt pride in calling you my husband. I so want to be able to put the past behind us, and build a better life together for us and the children.

The past five months have been a difficult passage of time for me, the most emotionally traumatic in my life. We seemed to start recovery in the beginning, only to slip and fail again. I am still feeling the hurt and pain when I don't know where you are, or when you'll be home. We have somehow misplaced our foundation of trust and respect. But lately God has given me a strength that I never knew I possessed. I have grown and matured more as a Christian than I have in my entire lifetime. Whereas in the past I endured the hurt and pain, I now see that it is soon to drain my love for you. Until you can truthfully and honestly return home and work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will be having no communication with you, except regarding the children, and I will avoid seeing you. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. Please feel free to call the kids at any time and set up visits. If you need to contact me, please do so through email or my pager voicemail.

I will be seeking counsel on how to best protect the kids financially, specifically child support and how to set that up.

I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. I want you to know that no matter how bad the past was, no matter how ugly, we can get past it. With God's help, our true healing can begin. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this.

I want to grow old with you. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and I continue to do so as I write this. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, and go to counseling, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.

God be with you, my love.

Your loving wife,
KK

Dearest <wife>,
This is one of the hardest letters I've ever written. It is with heavy heart that I sit here and put my thoughts and feelings to paper. It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and us. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation. Let me explain.

I would first like to acknowledge and apologize for my part in the demise of our marriage. I have made many mistakes in the past that can not be changed. What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and have learned from them so that I can take steps to ensure that they will not occur again. I was selfishly caught up in myself, and with my selfishness and foolishness I helped create a void in our marriage that helped allow this affair to happen. I did not realize how much it meant to you for me to be there for you. The handholding, the hugs and the snuggling to name a few. I also could not see through my own confusion on why I was so angry. I now clearly see many of those things I was lacking in. I just didn’t understand how important it was to us. I have made it clear to everyone that my time with my family, especially for my precious wife, is and will be my main focus. You will always come first.

I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship, or how to meet your needs. I can not sit here today and say that I know all that I need to know about relationships but I can however honestly say that I have learned a lot about honoring, cherishing and companionship. I want to learn even more about how to be a supportive and loving man. The type of man that I hope you would be proud to call your husband; the same pride I felt so many times when I called you my wife.

Since August, I've been trying to give you hope for the marriage by learning how to be a better husband to you. To give you hope that you could return to a marriage that you wanted, and for us to build our family together, but past few months have been the most difficult time of my life. The pain and emptiness that I endure on a daily basis is almost too much to bear. My only saving grace is the memories of the love we once shared, of the all good times we have spent together, your extraordinary qualities that led me to ask you to spend your life with me and thought of us being together, someday happy again. Unfortunately, I now find those thoughts and feelings are slowly eroding away. Before I lose any more of the thoughts and feelings of what was once us, I must take some drastic steps.

<wife>, as you know I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe, cherished and honored. I simply can not continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with <OM>. It has become too painful. We can only rebuild our marriage…together...when you completely end your relationship with <OM>.

Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. To this end, I feel it is best that you find another place to stay, while I stay in our home and continue be the primary care provider for our children. I do not wish for your bond with the children to suffer any further and I will be as flexible as possible with visitation of the children, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I would also like any of the regular communications between us to be handled through a mutual friend or relative of your choice. If you have any emergency matters, you can always call me or email me at any time.

I hope that you understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you but to protect my feelings for you. I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you in this way. You must know torturous pain and suffering I have endured because of your relationship with <OM>. I simply cannot be in contact with you any longer, knowing that you and he are together.

This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing any more of the things we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery!

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from <OM> and are willing to construct a plan to ensure a total separation. Until that time I will continue to pray for our family and us.

In my mind I will keep the vision of seeing you walk through the door and say "hello my love" and of a happy and loving family that our needs are being met and a relationship that no others could come between. I know it can happen! What anyone other that you think about us is of no importance to me or my feelings for you. I have loved you as many different men; as a boyfriend, as husband, as a father, as a business partner, as a confidant, as a cheerleader, as a friend, as a mentor, as a student to list a few. I still love you today; I just can not be with you or help you as long as you are still involved with <OM>.

Your loving husband,
<me>

[color:"blue"] These Plan B samples are taken from various places on this site ... some archived places .... brought back to "life" for those in need ... Pep[/color]

Ok...

...a somewhat generic Plan B draft...

Basic elements of a Plan B letter:

1. Make it a love letter (apologies & how you can/will correct)

2. No lovebusters

3. Make "NO CONTACT" clear

4. Make unambiguous the "condition" of return to marital relationships

5. Limit references to OP

6. Plan out the logistics (as best as possible)


~~draft~~

Dearest <spouse>,

[preliminary words]
It is with a heavy heart that I write this letter to you. It is truly sad to see what has happened to us and to our marriage. The decision I now make is out of a necessity to spare what I can for love of you.

[apologizing words]
I have made many mistakes in the past and cannot change those mistakes or take them back. <list them here? be honest? but don't knock yourself down? limit the number to the top 3?>

[corrective steps]
What I have been able to do is recognize those errors in judgment and action or inaction; and I have learned from them so much. The depth of my understanding, of those failings, has taken me to honestly and with great effort to take steps that will ensure that they will not happen again. <list the ENs that you can fulfill and how you will do this? again be honest? and limit the number to the top 3 or 4> <If you know you can honestly apply the POJA? say you can and how you will do it>

[acknowledgment of environment of marriage]
I am truly sorry for helping to create and sustain an environment that has made your affair possible and allowed it to continue. I too had a responsibility to meet your most important needs; and by lacking the right judgment, I did little to aid efforts in building and growing our love for each other. The importance of <spouses needs>, I lost sight of. Now I know I am more than able to not just meet those needs, but to be lovingly enthusiastic in the doing.

[rationalization for movement to Plan B]
?I have had a most difficult time in the last <several months, years?>. There has been pain and hurt in the time spent learning to mend my failings. The pain and hurt, even though causing me great anguish, has let me know what strength I really possess. The dual nature of hurt and strength makes a conflict that now leads me to an inescapable conclusion. This conclusion, I will hold firm to, as I have learned my strength will only be in my resolve.

[the main element of Plan B]
<spouse>, the conclusion I write of, is that?Until you end your relationship with <OP>, I can no longer see you or in anyway communicate with you! The continued pain has become an unhealthy part of my learning to be the best possible <wife/husband> for the one I love.

[punishment issue]
<spouse>, this decision I make, I do not make lightly. It is not meant as a measure to punish you. It is simply meant as a way to no longer drain the love I have had for you, even the kind of love I had for you during the time of the affair.

[if the WS knows about "Plan B"]
You know about Plan B. It is not a gimmick. It is an honest effort to retain a love that you do not see right now. In time, I hope you will see that love; but I am not na&#64933;, and I realize you may never accept that gift of love again.

[reiteration of condition and logistics of Plan B]
As soon as you can fully, permanently and unconditionally separate from <OP>, and are willing to commit to measures to verify that separation, I am willing to do whatever it takes to start a full recovery of our marriage.

Until then, I will not be able to <list of actions?
avoid seeing you?
avoid all communications of any form?
offer no financial support?
whatever else?>

In the best interest of those involved, I will <list of concerns?
expect legal requirements to be upheld?
minimize impact to the children? and offer acceptable and extraordinary visitation rights?
eliminate any negative explanations to family and friends
whatever else?>

<Work out logistics>?
<How is "contact" to occur in "emergency" situations.>
<Frequency of telephone contact (if any due to children)>
<Frequency of e-mail contact (if any in joint "planning")>
<Who will act as intermediaries>

[what the future would/could hold (post Plan B)]
I want us, not me alone and not you alone, but us to rebuild our marriage. We need to build a new lifestyle. Everything can be done to make us both happy. I know it is possible for our marriage to flourish, and have no more separations in body or spirit. I want to be your best friend and a <wife/husband> that any <man/woman> would be proud to have as a spouse.

[any other endearments of special parting thoughts]
-I want to grow old with you.
-When I said ?I DO,? I made a promise in front of God, you, our family and friends for life.
-I want to be your <wife/husband>, your friend, and your lover.
-I loved you more that life itself while we were together and I continue to do so as I write this.

[final reiteration of the main element of Plan B]
As soon as you are willing to separate completely from your ?friendship? with <OP>, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

Your loving spouse, <and any other endearment that is personal and touching>

<me>

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[color:"blue"] Personally, I think this one is a bit too long ... but I think it can be used as a guide for breaking down the parts of Plan B letter so it can be individualized to meet YOUR needs

Pep [/color]

Hi pep

Thanks for painstakingly searching out these & providing me framework for an effective letter for plan B.

My issues are :

1) For me the toughest part is myself, the inner struggle to postpone Plan A to hang on just in case the Cinderalla happy-ever-after ending is just a minute away........ or the start Plan B and end all the emotional abuse.....

So the having conversations with myself & psyching myself up is crucial..... just too coward to do it..... otherwise a mentally well-thot out plan B will end up just like the previous cry-wolf threats..... (I do have a personal dilemma over when to do Plan B, pep pls read my personal thread 'Need stamina to sustain Plan A.... I dont wish to bore others in need of advice for Plan B with my personal circumstances here...... will keep it simple here)

2) I understand why the conditions for reconciliation are put into the letter. Shouldnt these conditions have been first brought up earlier, before even starting Plan B? Plan B kicks in only after WH is unwilling to accept the terms or procrastinates about it? Would this be more friendly approach? Or is Plan A strictly one of giving out of love, no taking, no expectations, no demands? Is act of negotiation deemed as a act of conditional demand? Dont mean to be so textbook like, but really hope to do it right this time. Have been doing it wrong last 8 months prior to MB.

My vision of Plan B is like this.
a) initially enticing period of time on Plan A (like me now)
b) during Plan A, have a negotiation on condition for recon......done with warmth & tenderness (before May 18 for me)

- Most critical condition for me is total & permanent sep from OW.
- If WH agrees, then I move to ask for WH to execute total sep with OW, via a letter. I want to approve letter. Letter can be sent to OW via email, copy me. Then I work even harder PlanA-like tenderness as WH enters withdrawal phase........ believe I will need help then (if I am blessed enough to get here)
- If WH is still non-committal, taking no initiative to write letter or objecting to idea...... I do Plan B (but I have already mentally prepared myself for a decisive executiion) As much as I dread it, this may most likely be the case as WH has strong wishfull thinking that due to my inner strength to hang in so long, I am a sure thing. And of course, WH being so comfortable with cake-eating.......
- even though final outcome may still need to move on to plan B, I thot if it's less hostile to discuss conditions for recon during plan A.

A gauge of my readiness to do Plan B........ would much rather be planning what to put into WH's letter announcing tot sep from OW ......... than to prepare Plan B letter. Such a weakling, cant face up to harsh reality......... will work on talking to myself......remember..... serenity to accept what I cant change

endofworldnomore

OK

Accepting reality is part of Plan B.

Your WH ~KNOWS~ already that adultery is wrong ... even through all the pretzel-like mental gymnastics he has to tell himself to justify his choice. HE KNOWS he should stop ...

however...

he is SHOWING YOU with his behavior for the past year

~without~ some STRONGER motivation (consequences) other than knowing he is wrong ... he will delay and delay and postpone ... all the while YOUR little heart shrinks and becomes hardened and bitter and your RESPECT for him and your TRUST of him will become

~non-existant~

The WH has become a creature without a functioning moral compass ... he is ~feelings-driven~ .... he is NOT ~morals driven~

so you must approach him in ways that will affect his FEELINGS ... and you MUST make him UNcomfortable with this reality that you are currently protecting him from ~~~>>> HE is losing you right now ... little by little ... while you protect him from this reality he will not experience the necessary PAIN he needs to motivate him out of his stupidity!!! Plan A makes him feel GREAT ~~~> and Plan B should sting his heart like a son-of-a-beach!

and by that I do NOT mean appealing to his conscience ... he has none at the moment !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Understand?


He HAS already procrastinated ... did you not discover this affair a year ago?... and you thought it was ended? ... but he just became more covert? ... am I remembering your situation correctly?

His further procrastination will RUIN your recovery. HOW? By making a mountain of resentments you must overcome ... the more resentments and abuse he heaps upon you ... the less likely you will be able to survive recovery.

If you think THIS stuff (Plan A & Plan B) is hard ... get ready for a shocker

~~~>>> recovery is harder <<<~~~

I know you don't believe me right now ... but I will tell you ... recovery is MUCH harder ... much!

You need not be ANGRY to impliment Plan B ... as a matter of fact ... it is a common error to wait until the BS is plum ANGRY and HATES the GUTS of their WS ... then they impliment Plan B .... which I think is too late ... WHY? Because then recovery has much much higher hurdles to overcome.

Pep

Hi pep dear

WH & I went away for overnight...... all was cordial....no emotional outbursts, no interrogation.......both of us are hesitant, cautious, there's effort on both of us to try to have a good time........ there's also an underlying layer of suspicion......... i sense....... shall I say unnatural but pleasant.

I have been reading various books re my situation & there are always numerous points of view...... must say rather confusing to me cos I am so vulnerable now....... so fickle,,,,,,,, so lost myself.........

Of late, I have been asking 1 question more & more.........Is it worth it? Cos

1) WH has yet to show any remorse (MB says I shouldnt expect it as he's in the fog & totally irrational now)

2) WH does not appear to realise even that it is wrong (MB says he's in the fog) & that may be hopeless case. Many books are of the view that if one does not realise A is wrong, does not have remorse..... the chances of another A down the road is almost certain

3) all the distractors make it hard for me to assess if deep inside there's any goodness left in WH. If there's still some goodness that can surface after the fog, then it may be worth it.

I know tot sep from OW may mean giving up a core biz in WH biz. Now WH's mind is only bread&butter issues, not much mindshare for relationship matters really. Then again, WH could just be justifying A, hiding behind noble intention of providing for family....... never really know....

4) there's little couple time & family time in our marriage, before & after D. My EN were not met before but I had moral compass to accept & tolerate (though I secretly wished for better). I just thot that this is just another phase of marriage.... Now with A, I start to seriously question if it's worth it........ why should I settle for a weekend marriage..... I become more aware of my EN & may be harder to please henceforth.....

5) Plan A is tough, Plan is equally miserable & recovery is much worse........ With so such pain & agony, WH must be really worth it.........???????

Other than all the question "Is it worth it?", I am also seriously losing respect for myself. I constantly try to remind myself that PLan A is to discover my self worth........ but in reality, my actions are that I have lost all self-respect.......... I stoop so low as to continue to have sex with WH........ almost every time, I cry in the act......... images of their intimacy just wont go away......... truth of sharing is devastating.........

I do realise this is a spiritual journey....... I pray inspirational books & pray fervently for guidance to do God's will,, to salvage the marriage. Yet I do know that while I may pray steadfast like a statue, if WH is not open to God's prompting, there's only so much I can do.......

Maybe you are spot on again to say WH is losing me little by little......... Seems like the case.

Prior to MB, I had no Plan A & B. I only had Plan X & Y. Plan X is interrogate to get WH to be truthful so I can tell myself trust can be rebuilt cos WH starts to be honest & reveal. Plan X was also to make WH realise the pain his A has inflicted on me.

My Plan Y was choose between stay or leave. No other way, if WH cant choose, I will choose for WH to leave. Whichever way WH leaves, I am unwilling to consider reconciliation. Maybe it's pride (or is it self-respect?) that tells me I not accept WH back after he leaves to have a good time with OW....... This is a home, not a hotel for one to come & go.....

But I feel convinced enough with Plan A, I went into it.... though tormented by loss of self-respect.

Now for Plan B, I feel even a sense of greater loss of self-respect, to consent to WH leaving for a f------- good time with OW & return after OW does not want him anymore........

With all due respect to all who have tried & succeeded with Plan A & B, I am perhaps too lost & wonder if I works for me......

Or is there a Plan C? 1 reconciled couple in my marriage coaching advises letting WH go, that OW will be puzzled & over time either lose interest or lose patience. Is this a smart move? Risk is that WH still may not realise wrongdoing & still not have remorse & goodness know when next A will be.........

Im sorry this post is soooooo long, heavy duty reflection..... but doesnt seem to get anywhere


endofworld

Hi pep

Plan A is draining. Its aim is to entice WH back & gives WH hope that a fresh start is possible. But Plan A is giving me these:
1) sense of hopelessnes within myself
2) questioning 'is it worth it?'
3) gradual loss of 'respect or love' for WH

-------------------------------

1) But the emotional drain is I start to doubt if there's really hope that the love WH & I once shared can ever be rebuilt...... SO while I am working at giving WH the hope that a new start is possible, I am gradually feel hopeless.

Why am I feeling so hopeless about it? .... cos the hesitant, guarded behaviour of both of us is so unnatural..... I feel we are both trying so hard....... WH is just not there emotionally, to spontaneously reach out & hug me........... the hesitance makes me wonder if a)WH is having second thots about us ........ or b)that in the long term, can love really be rebuilt .... or c) I am so unlovable? ... what used to be so spontaneous is now so hesitant.......

Yes, I really have to learn to not to have expectations during Plan A (I suppose during Plan B also)

2) Like I said in earlier post, I increasingly question 'is it worth it?' more & more. Getting absolutely no positive reinforcement other hesitant actions & participation from WH, why on earth am I putting myself through all this.

Ha, remember an uplifting advice....... When God puts you to it, He will put you through it....... Still waiting for Him to put me through this ordeal..

3) Increasingly I find WH less lovable & respectable...... his cold brutal cruelty of total disregard for my feelings ......his selfishness....... his hesitant display of love (not non-existent, just hesitant & sporadic) .......

While respecting that Plan B has worked successfully for many, I dont know how on earth can I find strength to even go there???

As for Plan C which has worked for a friend I know, I wonder if Plan C is indeed the essence of ......... in His (God)'s time? That the turning point for the prodigial son is not within my control, however faithfully I pray........

But questioning with my heart? (or is it with my mind?) what does the marriage amount to if WH only returns to me after OW does not want him anymore......

And WH is spiritually lost....... I often feel that what God cant help, no man can..... you know, I have never prayed so much before in my life..... WH is just not open to God's prompting, his heart of stone....... And God indeed gives all a free will....... so praying may be useless in my case......

Questions questions questions.... so much soulsearching..... not sure if I am moving in right direction to heal myself or I am sinking deeper in the quick sand???

And pep, I really need your sound advice to handle those images of their intimacy.........I am just so imaginative & my crying while doing it... The images come tormenting me unannounced,. there's no specific trigger too, so it's hard to avoid the triggers.....

Thanks for your patience..... I truly value your frank insights & snapping me back to my senses.....

endofworld

My opinion(s):

1. You are over-thinking (common, don't beat yourself up)
Journel two ways ... one page thoughts .... another page feelings. They tend to become jumbled up for you. UNtangle these things like you would 2 gold neclaces that have been in the box together too long and are all knotted up. Separate one from another. Once you do that ... deal with FACTS. Make decisions about your next move based on what is factual ... not what you feel.

2. You're reactions are average. I don't mean that in any deragotory way. In fact, it is a compliment. The non-average betrayed are difficult to help. They were likely unstable emotionally before they were betrayed ... and afterwards ... too emotional for me to reach. I cannot deal with any betrayed who has lost touch with fact-based reality. YOU are much saddened and upset by the facts ... but you are accepting the facts.

3. It is time. Plan B quackers need to be arranged in secret. Do something about this every day.

*get a secret safety deposit box

*get a secret mailbox (one you pay for at a shop) ... use this address for things like new bank credit cards and your attorney

*open a credit card in your name only ... don't use it ... it is for stand-by emergencies ... like if WH takes every last cent out of the account and you cannot pay for your attorney! (it's happened before .... just thinking ahead NOT predicting)

*withdraw as much cash as you can ... carefully .. to not arouse suspicion .... don't spend it ... just keep it as your slush fund

*start drafting your Plan B letter ... speak to friends/family who you might use as intermediary for Plan B


***most importantly*** speak to an attorney as a fact-finding venture ... tell attorney you are considering legal separation (NOT divorce) from WH and you want to know what your options are and what pitfalls you might avoid >>> TO BE PREPARED RIGHT NOW IS TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN DO NOT EVER FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THIS STEP

avoiding these steps taken as a reality check ___ avoidance will expose your [censored] to the nasty elements of infidelity (and your kids' arses as well)

OK?

Pep

OK

now onto something else ... but do NOT skip taking the protective STEPS

outlined on the last post ... DO them ... pray they don't become your lifeboat ... but if you do not pull out the lifeboat right now you are careless ... YOU and your KIDS need the lifeboat out and ready ... you family is taking on water .... get ready just in case .... but for God's sake, don't just sit there and quiver wondering if the ship is going down!!!!

assuming you are getting your lifeboat ready ....

what about your opinion that you are a meek doormat ...

I don't share that opinion

if I did

I'd have to apply the same tag to my own toe

I am not the doormat type (as you can tell <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

and guess what?

neither are you (I can tell)

You are a loving woman

it is our nature to want to make love to our husbands ... we are nesters ... we want our nest to be loving and carefully constructed ....

YOU are not weak

you are strong

strong enough to cry while making love <<<~~~ what did I just say?

You are REAL with your WH when you cry making love

REAL

not phoney

not make-believe

REAL

keep doing it

Pep

Of late, I have been asking 1 question more & more.........Is it worth it?

I don't know

You will not know for quite some time

but I guarantee this

nearly everyone who quickly divorces in a situation like yours ... later regrets the hastiness of that decision

because

they wonder ... if they did all they could to save their marriage

YOU ... by working Plan A and Plan B will have less to wonder about

ask the poster named Believer who posts on GQII

she is an awesome lady ... who is divorcing .. but she did her best ... and eventually she fell out of love with her WH during Plan B .... and although she is saddened by the end of her M

she is NOT devestated and she is NOT ashamed of those efforts she made in order to save her M

Believer made mistakes, as we all do, but none of them were what caused the divorce ... her WH's cruelty and his UNwillingness to return to the M are what caused the divorce ... and guess what ... her H asked if he could "try again" ... and dear sweet Believer .... who would not hurt a fly ... said "No thank you."

Maybe she will post here.

"Is it worth it?" .... is the wrong question ... "Am I obedient to God's commandments?" ... is getting closer to a question you can reasonably answer !!!

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I feel the desire to correct something you said...



YOU are trying hard

your WH has one foot in and one foot out and as long as he is not 100% committed to the marriage without the creepy OW ... his efforts are not relevant to saving the marriage/family.

If WH discusses things about OW or his ugly affair ... may I suggest ... you carefully re-direct the language of the discussion/disagreement back to the words

happy intact family

NO one ... can defend argeueing against happy intact family

Pep

... and something else I believe but have not yet said to you ....

assuming this is your WH's first and only ever affair/infidelity

I believe he is a good man and worth the effort

but this in no way obligates you to continue your efforts to save the family ... but I wanted you to know where I stand on this issue.

If your WH had a history of priors .... I would not put as much effort into your Plan A/B ... and I'd like to be told now, please.

Thanks

Pep

If you have insomnia and are bored .... read this

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/showthreaded.php?Cat=0&Number=2847940&page=

(be sure to change from "flat" view to "threaded" view for easier, more sequential reading)

It wanders around a little bit ... but the point is this

we all need our Giver/Taker balance

We need to switch from a Buyer to a Renter in order to switch to Plan B

I think it may be useful for you to read ... but is not essential right this moment.

Your choice.

Pep