Hello,

This is my first post!

I am getting getting married in a few weeks and I discovered back in December 05 that my Fiance been talking to her ex-boyfriend(first sexual partner). At this point we've been engaged over 1 yr. Now it wouldn't of been a huge problem except, I found out coincidence. My wife left her instant chat on and a message came across the screen and said "Sorry about last night" Now that night she told me that she was going to her girls house, and when I saw the message I told her someone was I.M.ing her and when I went to respond(jokefully) she pushed my hands away. Right then I knew something was up. One day she goes to work(we don't live together) and leaves her cell behind. I went through the text's and found a message that said "I told him everything except that we seen each other" Boy was I furious. Once I told her, she downplayed the whole incident telling me that he's married with a kid and they are just talking. So I investigated and saw out phone bill and traced numbers, they talked everyday around the same time(noon) and the crazy part is right after of before she talks to me, she talks to him... When I mentioned that, she stopped calling and they started texting. She always erase her messages when she come and see me. But I was able to see a few on times she slipped up. It sound like they just do a lot of B.S. talk. Now I have done some things in my past, BUT NEVER GOT CAUGHT! Maybe this is Karma, or maybe she's up to something. After all this, she tells me if I don't want her talking to him, them she will stop, but I feel like it's not what I want, she should do what she feels. I never had any problems in our 5yrs of dating her until 6mos. till our wedding.

Maybe my experience's with women is making me think to deep on this situation. I should be the happiest man on earth with a beautiful bride to be.

Is this a sign to call off the wedding? Or just a case of bad Karma?

Hi Wolf, welcome to MB. Your fiance is in what sounds like an emotional affair. Think of it this way, she didn't tell you about it and she won't do it in front of you..that = affair. You have been given a gift here, my friend. You know before you got married.

Wolf,

How old are you both?

How long ago did you have your A?

Do not "think" your GF is having an A. She is.. EA possibly PA.

You both need to come clean before any further steps are taken toward M. This will only get worse before it gets better.

You need to sit down and have an OPEN and HONEST talk about EVERYTHING. Then proceed from there SLOWLY.

It's amazing how easy it is to get a piece of paper signed proclaiming a Marriage, when weighed against how difficult and costly (in so many ways) a Divorce can be.

Well, congrats for not getting caught. Well done.

I recommend you just ignore all this and proceed with the wedding as planned. Don't snoop anymore and she won't get caught again. You two deserve each other.

OK, sarcasm aside - run, don't walk, to the nearest exit. Call the wife of the pond scum she's boinking behind your back to do her a favor.

WAT

i agree- call the OM's wife- she deserves to know. It will also most likely end the affair.

Hey, I don't have much history in posting here, but I do have experience with a 14 year marriage that ended when I exposed my wife's A. Take the advice here and shut down the plans for M. You WILL find someone else and the hurt you have to go through will be nothing compared to having to do it ten years from now.

It's easier said than done. We spent all this money and booked the honeymoon, plus don't you guys think I should work it out instead of running? It would truely be my fault if I stay around, but I believe in Karma and if I keep God first, I'm sure things will work out. I want to fight for her, plus I want to see our relationship blossom...

Somebody gotta believe in second chances!

Ahhhhhhh, idealistic youth!

Gotta love it!

You'd sign up for unavoidable he11 just because you spent a few bucks on a vacation?

Work on it instead of running? Wanna buy a bridge?

Very foolish. Very.

How old are you, wolfman?

WAT

lol, I have to laugh at that one.

We'll I guess I'll be posting on here quite ofter...

I keep ya'll posted!

Thanks

...like Hemlock.

Just curious how old is she?

24, I'm 27, in the corporate world, she's finishing up college. We all play the fool once. Plus things are going too good for me right now to let some lonely-has-been take me off my high.

My life is to real!

"I don't know... Get Married" - Tyler Durden

She sounds really immature....not ready to be married.

Who is the lonely-has-been, your fiance or the OM?

lol, the OM

Yes being immature is part of the problem, that's why I am not going to up and run because I want things to develope. If the problem occur again, then it's a no brainer. But right now I can focus on us and be a real man.

Maybe it took something like this to occur to realize what's important and also to get my own life right. I believe everything happens for a reason. Learn from and keep moving!

Notice the " I " and "me " in your comments...

The lies and A are HER problem.

What was her reason for lying and cheating?

What has SHE learned?

Why isn't she the one posting here looking for solutions?

The problem does not originate with you, and therefore, you have NO control over it. She is the one who retreated to another relationship when she was unhappy in her relationship with you (as opposed to talking to you about it or leaving you, etc.)...or unhappy with herself (she sounds like she has ego-issues). Until she learns to deal with that unhappiness differently, she will cheat again.
That is, the next time your relationship or her personal happiness is low (and believe me M is no picnic--it WILL happen), then she will escape to another A.

The only part you DO have control over is your choice to remain with someone who handles their problems this way.

If that is who you want to create a partnership with, I truly dont care, its your life.

Since you have made your mind up to get M to this woman and want to "keep moving," I strongly advise you to purchase Fall-in-Love Stay in love and read it together to develop tools for a strong M.


Otherwise, save your password...you may need it to log back in in a couple of years.

If you choose to proceed with marrying her, please consider obtaining a pre-nup agreement. Either of you have an affair after marriage, the faithful spouse has rights to all marital property and full custody of children + child support + 50% of child educational expenses if a divorce results.

This won't prevent an affair, but it'll provide some disincentive and some justice if one occurs.

WAT

Wedding Reception - $30,000 (at least that's what mine cost 6 years ago)

Honeymoon - $5,000

Your heart, sanity and future - priceless

My divorce cost me $5,000 in attorney's fees (so there's your honeymoon paid for....)

My Divorce cost me $30,000 as the terms of our settlement agreement ONLY required me to payoff his vehicle (so there's your wedding reception)

Had my XH not felt guilty about his A and leaving me with a toddler, I would have had to pay him 1/2 the equity earned in our house during the time of our marriage, 1/2 my retirement earned during the time or our marriage, 1/2 of my 401K earned during the time of our marriage and 1/2 of all our other assets....Not to mention that our son is now a child of divorce whose father lived in another country 4,000 miles away for all but 1 year of his life.

The cost of your wedding and honeymoon are nothing compared to what you could end up paying 5, 10, 15 or more years down the line. If she will cheat on you before you are even married, it does not bode well and speaks volumes about your fiancee's ability to be faithful once you are married.

Regards,

BB

Hey Everyone!!!

It's been 8 years since I've posted on here. Well we did get married and we are still together, but recently I've discovered that the EA my Wife had with the OM never ended and she carried it on for the entire time of our marriage(off and on). We now have 2 kids and moved to another state. Recently we decided to move back home, so I moved my wife and kids to our home state and I was going to try to find a job and move back.... well to cut a long story, during that time(1 month), my wife had a PA with the SAME GUY, and told me about it. I was livid and wanted out, but her immediate reaction was "let's work it out" So I decided to expose the affair, I was able to contact the OM wife and she talked to my wife, but me and the OM did not have a conversation.

Since then, my wife and I are having honest conversations, she told me some details that was hard to handle, but I wanted the truth. She told me she feels free and she was suffering by living a lie.

- I immediately switched plans and decided to stay in our current state. no moving back home

- We went to counseling,

- I am happy to keep my family together

- We are in a better space, and I am happy she is doing better.

Also, (I know you guys are going to get on me), I had an affair a few years ago, but mine was more physical than emotional. Also I ended the affair, and have not any feelings towards anyone since. Believe me, since my wife's affair, I know the feeling of karma....

I was going back and forth about more details and it was driving me crazy, till one day I told her that I wanted a divorce, strange but she was really against it. After that, I sat her down and told her about my affair. I wanted her to have leverage and decide if she wanted to stay in our marriage or end it. Luckily she did not get physical with me but express how she was hurt but also glad I was being honest. I feel so much better since talking to my wife, we are on a clean slate and want to keep it that way.

My only issue is the triggers I am having and also how do I build trust in my wife again. Her affair happened in August 2014 and and I am still having bad days, it doesn't help with music, movies, tv shows all triggering my emotions.

I can say I have grown up since originally posting here. I constantly read this forum and love the advise provided

Thanks

"I constantly read this forum and love the advise provided"...but didn't take it, evidently. And I see very little evidence of growing up. You write as if this whole thing was an adventure story.

"Luckily she did not get physical with me" - is there violence in your marriage, too?

No violence! so what route should I take? Divorce, break up the family?

What have you done on this list?


From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.