Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail Denali at MBDenali@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
cipher #2032649 03/14/08 03:12 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,965
Quote:

There's Marriage Builders and the related materials... only most of us never find it until after D-Day.




Very true cipher.

Could you imagine a "do-over" going back to D-Day knowing what you know today?


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
Quote:

Could you imagine a "do-over" going back to D-Day knowing what you know today?




I don't know how many times I've imagined that very thing. It woulda been a whole different ballgame.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 16,412
I actually love that post of ark's. The people I send to read it are newly betrayed spouses who are in a panic. Many betrayed spouses go through a kind of "manic" phase where they are trying everything all at once....hoping that one of them will make a difference. They are all over the place, acting irratically and inconsistently. One minute they are in Plan A and the next they're filing for divorce. "Be still" is the right message for that stage of betrayal. It's about "acting" instead of "reacting". The opposite of "be still" during a panic attack....is "thrashing about aimlessly in fear". It's about all the things other people said about being grounded and rational. Righteous anger and indignation are okay, but rage and chaos isn't.

When you go to fast on a merry-go-round, it's putting a foot down and getting "grounded" so the spinning stops.

But you're right medc, once folks get past the chaos and confusion of the early betrayal...."be still"....can be interpreted as "be quiet" or be meek....and in the context of this thread the opposite of "be still" is "you don't have to take it anymore".

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
medc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
It isn't just the interpretation that gets me...it is the support that no action gets from some of the MB regulars.

Rage has its place and usefulness...but only very short term. Righteous anger which drives action is a valuable tool. The biggest enemy of the BS that I see is being too passive. That does more damage than anything else that I see on these boards.

medc #2032653 03/14/08 07:10 PM
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 471
T
TJD Offline
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 471
When an A occurs it is the worst event of your life.

Being still for awhile after an A makes sense. The key word being awhile.

An A is an attack on you, your family and everything you stand for. Being still and generating a plan is an important step but it can't take too long. Consistent action of your plan is your key weapon on this attack.

It is a message that more need to hear. Because it is such an attack and is so painful, often BS's only want to hear things that make them feel good to lessen the pain and they get stuck being still. Action and continuing refinement of their plan is what they need.


ME BH 40 - FWW 39

Sons - 9 and 7

DDAY - March 18,2006

Married 10 years

Recovering
TJD #2032654 03/14/08 07:20 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
medc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
agreed...awhile.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 665
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 665
Quote:

I actually love that post of ark's. The people I send to read it are newly betrayed spouses who are in a panic. Many betrayed spouses go through a kind of "manic" phase where they are trying everything all at once....hoping that one of them will make a difference. They are all over the place, acting irratically and inconsistently. One minute they are in Plan A and the next they're filing for divorce. "Be still" is the right message for that stage of betrayal. It's about "acting" instead of "reacting". The opposite of "be still" during a panic attack....is "thrashing about aimlessly in fear". It's about all the things other people said about being grounded and rational. Righteous anger and indignation are okay, but rage and chaos isn't.

When you go to fast on a merry-go-round, it's putting a foot down and getting "grounded" so the spinning stops.

But you're right medc, once folks get past the chaos and confusion of the early betrayal...."be still"....can be interpreted as "be quiet" or be meek....and in the context of this thread the opposite of "be still" is "you don't have to take it anymore".




Yep, what Star*Fish said. I was manic. I was out of control. I was traumatized. Heck, I got 5150'd and put in the psych ward for 72hrs. I was a mess! Being still and reading that post at that time really helped.

Now I'm better and I am planning my strategy and the rest of my life intelligently and rationally.


BS(me) 40
WH 40
D-day 10/03/2007
***Recovering and growing wiser and stronger.***
I was divorced 10/08/2008.

Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906


the anatomy of an affair...brought to you by ark^^
eek
crazy
confused
mad
sick
\:o shocked
tired

in any order of your choice....

hope all are fabulous

arkie^^^^^^^^^
Warning, Spoiler:
i dont know what this does

medc #2032829 03/24/08 06:57 PM
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 502
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 502

trying to play devil's advocate here... what's wrong with being still and waiting out the affair? Because 1) we've been told time and time again the affair DOES end, 2) we can't MAKE WS do anything anyway, so why not sit back and let the whole nasty situation play out?


SerenitySoon
ark^^ #2032844 03/24/08 07:25 PM
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 57
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 57
I wondered that too Serenity. But they don't have any reason to stop cheating if they know we are sitting back waiting on them. I think that's why I have been advised to go through with Plan B and the legaal separation because they think we are not going to do anything about it. I don't know, I have heard all affairs end too, but some of them dont end, especially if we let them have their cake and eat it too. It will just stay that way forever. We have to take ourselves out of their lives so that they can see what they are losing and then maybe they will show us what they are going to do to change and become better. I don't think they will ever do that if they know we are just going to sit it out and wait it out until they are done playing with their OW's. Then they have no respect for us and we probably will not even want them either after seeing so much disrespect and having so much pain because of their A's. Maybe that's why we have to go to Plan B and protect ourselves.

I am just learning and reading and I have some good people in my life like my sister and the advice I am getting here is helping me to see that what I have been doing hasn't been working.

Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
medc Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
while you can't MAKE WS do anything, you CAN make the affair uncomfortable by taking action. YOU CAN take care of yourself and set some reasonable boundaries that allow YOU to protect yourself and become whole. No one needs their spouse to end the affair...life will certainly go on if they don't come home..or if you decide that you don't want them home.

My whole point of this thread is that people should be doing something, other than sitting back...hoping that the affair might end, to improve their lot in life. Why not sit back and let the nasty little situation play out??? Because life is slipping by.

Page 2 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Who's Online Now
1 members (1 invisible), 64 guests, and 68 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
afather2, Starshine1, StevenByron999, RDWhipple, beingstill
71,587 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,495
Posts2,322,051
Members71,587
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5