Since there always seems to be someone gearing up for exposure I thought it might be a good idea to compile a list of typical things a WS may spew at the BS for exposing the A or nonsense said to the BS to make the A seem "not so bad."

My thought in doing this is I feel the list may help prepare the person exposing in what they may hear from the WS.

I thought it would be helpful to have as many as we could gather on one thread for easier access when needed.

I hope a lot of you jump in and list things said to you, if you are a BS, or ridiculously stupid things you said, if you are a FWS.

I'm still working on my list and will add it later once I get it all together. It might take awhile because I said a lot of ridiculous things.

LC

LC,

I got. "How dare you look thru my credit card statements" and "I'll accept 51 % of the responsibility for what I did, but it was 49% your fault."

If I had had a gun in my hand, I'd have shot him.

Who

A few golden nuggets I was told:

"It was a mistake."

"I'm sorry, but you have to understand my state of mind at the time."

"It wasn't adultery." (she gave me the legal definition of it)

"I can't stay in a house where I'm being spied on!"

"It wasn't cheating because I had already decided the marriage was over." (No one bothered to tell me while I was deployed)

"I don't want to talk about it."

"He told me the things I wanted to hear which made me susceptible."

Regarding her website, where she told everyone she was divorced (but wasn't) and used it to meet up with guys while I was gone:

"I put 'divorced' on there because you wouldn't believe the messages I would get from people thinking I was a wife looking for a 'hookup'."

"You're making too much of it. I just use it to make friends."

"There's nothing wrong with flirty comments."

"You're the one with the dirty mind who is reading into everything." (regarding a comment she made to another man about knowing where to go when she needed some lumber).



In other words, prepare yourself for rationalizing and justification and simply expect it. Don't let it hurt you (easier said than done) but expect that there will be tons of justification and no apology for the behavior.

Never expect an apology, but value it if you get a real one.

"I'm sorry, but...." is not an apology.

Expect that you will discover a lot on your own and that they won't want to address it or confront it. If you have a WS who owns up to what they've done and confesses and answers your questions, then consider yourself to be a in a very lucky minority.

The rest of us got to deal with the pain. Some get relief when the fog lifts. Others never get it and you move on to find your own life and rebuild, learning to let go of the past and making the most of what you have now.

""AREN'T YOU GLAD FOR ME THAT I WAS GETTING SOME OF MY ENs MET WITH OM?""

Seems to stick in my mind.

EDITED: To change the stupid ICON!!!!! Which I can't seem to do. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

When he found out I told his mother and some others, "Why are you trying to make me look bad in everyone else's eyes? This is between me and you."

Nevermind that HE brought this third person into the mix or that what he was doing WAS wrong AND that it impacted not only us, but our children. (Now where that dang rolleye icon?)

Hmmm....let's see.....

First you get...the deer in the headlights look....then the scrunched up face....then the look of amazement....then they start stuttering....and then.....SILENCE.

Or...how about....

You don't know what you're talking about.
(the BS is always the crazy one)

It wasn't me.
(yeah...it was an alien that looked like me)

It's not what you think.
(like it could "look" like anything else)

I told you I wasn't...so I'm not.
(huh?)

Edited to add.....After Exposure.....

You had no right to tell people. Now I look like an A$$.
(well...if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck..)

You've ruined any chance you had.
(um...you said we didn't have one anyway. always the BS's fault)

I hate you.
(well..mine meant it WHEN he said it. he later took it back)

How could you do this to me?
(of course...the BS did it)

Why can't you mind your own business?
(forgot...the A wasn't supposed to be the BS's business)

Why?
(because i can)

"You pushed me to her."

"What was I supposed to do when you wouldn't meet my needs?" "You should know what my needs are, I shouldn't have to tell you."

"I don't want to be followed everywhere I go for the rest of my life."

"My money is my money. I can do what I want with it."

"Since you told everybody, I can't face any of them again."

My Favorite:

"If everyone already knows there is no reason for me not to continue to do it"

-or-

"BUT I LOVE HIM"

Thank you all who have replied. I hope this thread will somehow help someone early on in the process.

Here are some of mine.

This is not one I used, but I recall reading here many times.

"I WAS going to work on the marriage, but now that you exposed I'm not going to anymore."

Here are a few of mine. I have way more than this, too. Very frightening to recall all of this. I sometimes still cannot believe I was so mean and uncaring.

1. Said to my DH, "You telling me I can't talk to FOM makes me want to talk to him more."

DH's reply to the above. "You are a brat. YOU CANNOT HAVE YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO!!! Personality or not, it needs to change. If you cannot or do not want to change, just say so. I will not be hurt, I will just move on. I don’t want to move on, but I will not just sit here and hit my head against the wall hoping that things will get better and knowing they won’t. (this is a copy from my journal entry which is why I still know exactly what he said to me)

Something else taken from a journal entry

2. "I hate that you took my privacy away from me." (Translation: How can I send emails to FOM if I know you are reading them or how can I post on the message board mean things about you that I don't want you to read)

DH's reply: "I do love you and want desperately to make this work, but I will not be made a fool. You have your complete privacy back as I do not want to view anymore any information you write. It is not productive for me and it upsets me that I am made the horse's a**. You don't respect my opinion."

3. "It should count for something that FOM and I didn't sleep together, it sure could have been worse." (total look of confusion on DH's face after I said this, sadly more than once)

4. "In the 5 years we were friends, FOM and I met hundreds of times and kept everything innocent. I think it should make it a little better because out of all the times we hung out we only misbehaved a few times." (eye roll)

5. "If you treated me better I wouldn't have had to cheat on you."

6. During the guilt phase "Do you think FOM's W hates me?"

7. "I don't understand why we all can't go back to being friends."

I am so glad I can now see the errors in all of what I said. At the time I honestly believed I was being helpful.

LC

I got:

"You weren't being stolen from. You hadn't had my love for a long time."

and

"I do NOT have an integrity problem!" (Shouting, slamming fist on desk)

My FWH just said told me all these things about the OW, he did not and could not say anything bad about our M.

I forgot to add DH's reply to this one.

"It should count for something that FOM and I didn't sleep together, it sure could have been worse." (total look of confusion on DH's face after I said this, sadly more than once)

After about the 5th time I said it to him he said, "It's not what you DIDN'T do that is so hurtful it's what you DID do."

LC

One thing that I am always surprised at is that the lies to truth sequence is so often identical. Ours went like this:

"Im not cheating on you"

"Really, it would take too much energy, I'm not cheating on you."

"She's just a friend."

"She's more than a friend but I never slept with her or had any physical contact."

"Well, we hugged. That's all."

"Well, I kissed her on the cheek, that's all."

"Well.....I tried to f** her but COULDN'T because I kept thinking of you."

"Well, ok...I tried but couldn't keep it up, because I realy love you. I couldn't cheat on you."

"Well, ok, ... I gave her(other SF) but not...."

"Well, ok I DID f** her, but just once and we were never naked."

"Well, ok I went over her house, we were naked and etc......"

Blah, blah, blah. At that point I think I had most of the real truth.

What amazes me though is that I am laughing as I write this, realizing how TOTALLY ludicrous the lies are. Fortunately, my FWH sees that part too. Maybe healing is coming a little at a time.

WH2LE



This exchange took place over a period of 7 days!!!!! At the time it was as awful as it could be. Like continually being slammed up against a wall after the perpetrator said they were done beating you up. For God's sakes WSs. Tell the whole truth right away.

Oh, sorry, one more thing. Each of the above statements was followed by the words, "Now that's the whole truth. Everything. I swear, Everything. Really."
Read it that way and it sounds as ridiculous as it was.

"This is really weird"

"interesting, you did that.....really?"

"I didn't know you could be so deceptive."

**************
D-Day #1:

WH had said he would call her from home to tell her they were busted, but he called instead from work without me. OW told WH that she wanted to apologize to me on the phone so she called me immediately at home. WH zoomed home and picked up the extension while I was thanking her for calling and then we were chitchatting after I forgave her immediately. (It would be 6 months before we would discover via MB about 'just compensation' was needed before forgiveness.)

When WH picked up the extension phone and when he heard us chatting amiably, he said, "This is really weird."

OW and I both said "Then get off the phone!"

Click.

(Yeah...I even tried to be her friend after D-Days 3 & 4, too.)

**************

He said the other two quotes after I tried fake tests that nearly backfired. (Details in my Mr. romAnCE Saga ~ Chapter 7 ~ on the Romantic Experiences forum below.)

**************

LC, this is an interesting topic but my perspective is far different since I was unbelievably calm on D-Day #1. His confession (after being confronted by our two adult DS/DD) gave me the justification I had been seeking for several years to leave him. If it had not been for our DS begging us to fight for our family, I would have gone straight to Plan D and WH would have given me everything.

Ace

P.S. BS fog is nearly as deadly as WS fog. I've posted about it on this thread's next page.

my favorite topic of all....it still amazes me how they all sound the same....

Hear are some I heard....

"It's not what you think"

"It's not like that"

"I didn't sleep with her until, NYE, when I had already moved out and thought our M was over" (truth....he had slept with her for the first time 2 months prior just like I though...)

"There is NO WAY I could carry on two relationships at the same time...."

and my ALL time FAVORITE, said to me 7 hours after I caught them together.....

"Since I couldn't be happy with you, you didn't want me happy with anyone else....." followed by...

"You just want what isn't yours....."....(hmmmm...really, I didn't know we were divorced already.....)


WS just plain suck sometimes.....

not2fun

I got..."You ruined the love of my life! How could you do that to me after all we've been through!"

Maddening!

Not2fun,


Not just sometimes, all the time!

LC

From the MOW to me when I called to rip her a new one...

"I saw him first, I've always loved him"

Which is accurate since it was almost 40 yrs ago and we have been M'd for over 30. They were in Jr Hi....oh welll!!!

She then countered with " we're just friends"

Here is a cut and paste of an email sent to me by my WW.

"You are right. I did intentionally hold back the truth about being so unhappy. The main reason was because it killed me to see you in so much pain when I told you for the second time I no longer wanted you as a husband. But I still loved and cared for you deeply and still do. You did a lot for me in my time of need and though out our entire relationship. I just couldn't walk away from you, you needed me.

So I decided to stay. After I decided to stay, things slowly went even more down hill. I attempted to tell you my needs thru commuicating my wants and desires. If you wasn't the one able to giving it to me it only made you upset. You are scared by your pass. The more control you attempted to have over me, thru angry and fear, the more I looked for an escape. I wanted out in the worse way. So I decided to leave mentally and stay physically. The rest is history. You always said if I decided to cheat on you ,leave you first. I tried it , it didn't work. Having an affair became my escape. I hate to say it but it was wonderful. I had someone that enjoyed talking and laughing with me. Most of all he listened without judgment. He didn't even mind that I was somewhat of an airhead. Believe me he noticed! I never wanted him as a life mate, but It made living at home so much better. I no longer had the need to leave or get a divorce. I had a secret li fe that was my own. something that I could enjoy. It was more than an escape is was also going to serve as my exit to a new life if I ever was caught. I was sure you would leave me and I was ready.

I cried countless days over the loss of the house and life together. I cried until the mournung process was over. At that point it made no sense to cry anymore. I was free if not physically, mentally. I could start doing yard work again because I knew at any moment it could all crumble beneath me and I would be ok.

I will go into counseling with an open mind because I love you. But you have to realize all you had left was my shell. I know it might sound cold and heartless but you wanted honesty. Do what is best for you, let me go for I am hollow inside."

Mind you the OP is supposedly separated from his wife and getting a D. I hope (OK I really don't), everything works out with the decision she made to drop everything we have accomplished for a few good conversations and laughs, not to mention the sex.

oh, i wanna play.

here are some i got:

"you have got me so stressed out!" (after exposure)

"stop talking to my friends, they all think you are crazy anyway" (after exposure)

"you could have cost me my career" (after exposing to the military)

"stop talking to my parents! don't email them anymore, they don't want to talk to you. they are happy for me that i have found a good woman who takes good care of their grandchildren" (ok, VOMIT!)

that is but a few of the gems i got. of course, i got crap from the ow as well (lucky me)

"i did not ruin your marriage, you had done a good job of doing that yourself long before i came along" (she was only one in a loooong line of whores)

"you are such a liar! you have lied to my family, his family, the pastor of the church. told them all lies about us!" (that's just funny)

then i got about a year later at xmas time an apology email that was so fake i could have thrown up all over it. and i told her as much. then, 6 months later, she tries to get me fired from my job.

yea, i get to deal with a psycho whore, lucky me.

mlhb