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#2058426 05/15/08 02:35 PM
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Sorry that this is so long.

My D-day was 4/18/08. I have been lurking for the past few weeks hoping to find something to help me get through this, but so far it just seems to be getting worse. I am hoping that someone can help me with all of this.

My wife and I have been married for 21 years w/ 3 children, D19, S16, and D12. Our marriage hasn’t been perfect, but nothing that seemed all that bad. I had been suspicious of her for 2-3 months, but I couldn’t really make myself believe that there was really someone else and she vehemently denied that she was seeing someone else when I asked.

On d-day, I was going back to the office from a meeting across town and decided to stop by a rental house that we are renovating between tenants to see if the flooring contractor had finished installing the new carpet. When I got there, my wife’s car was parked in the driveway. I thought that was strange because she was supposed to be spending the day with her mother who lives about 2 hours away. So, being more than a little suspicious, I decided to sneak around back and see what was going on. When I peaked through the window of the back door I saw my wife and her boss going at it on a blanket in the floor. After the initial shock wore off, I just lost it. I unlocked the door and rushed in screaming profanities and threats while they scrambled to cover themselves in the blanket.

Without thinking, I grabbed all of their clothes off of the floor and tossed them into the front yard. It was all too much to process, so I got in my car and just left to ride around and get myself together before I did something that I may regret. I was so mad that I wanted them both to pay for what they were doing. So, I got his home number from information and called his wife, When she answered, I told her who I was and asked if she knew where her husband was. When she said work, I told her “he’s not at work, I just saw him fxxcking my wife” and hung up. I then called their company and told the HR director what I had just seen. I know now that you should expose to stop the affair not to punish your spouse, but at the time I just wanted them to both hurt as much as I was.

Since then, they were both fired from their jobs and she says that she will never forgive me for ruining her career and embarrassing her like I did. I have ordered and read SAA and I know that I need to try and Plan A her if I want any chance at saving our marriage, but I just don’t want to meet her needs right now. I keep going from wanting to try and work things out to just wanting to throw her out. She will not go to counseling. She won’t fill out the ENQ. She just wants to sit around the house and feel sorry for herself. She refuses to send a NC letter, but as far as I can tell, there has been NC since d-day because OM is ignoring her. Apparently he was just having a little fun and she thought she had found the love of her life.

I do still love her and I don’t want to just throw away 21 years together. But, I really don’t feel like doing all the work when I feel like she should be the one doing the work. How long does it typically take a BS to get over the initial shock of what’s happening and resolve to do the work necessary to save the marriage? It’s been 4 weeks and I still change my mind from one day to the other.


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Welcome, and sorry you had to come here.

It must have been a horrible shock, but you maintained and didn't do anything more drastic than throwing their clothes out in the yard, which I (as a BS) think was a rather appropriate touch.

It takes a long time to start feeling normal again, often two or three years. It will help when your wife gets on board and starts participating in recovery. If there is no contact between them, withdrawal will soon be over.

And refuse to take the blame for them losing their jobs. It was not your telling, but the actions that they chose, that did it.

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Thanks, Believer.

I know that it was their fault, but I was really wondering if I had done the right thing. I am afraid that she nay not get over the fallout from my exposure.

She has been very cold since d-day and her attitude has not helped me want to do the work. I guess maybe I should just take action and try to Plan A her and maybe I will eventually feel like doing it.


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Welcome to MB. Sorry you need to be here. I just wanted to reassure you that *you* did not "ruin her career or embarrass her" she did that all by herself. Do not accept blame for her bad choices. Now, if you want to save your marriage whether you "feel" like it or not, you must begin a good plan A. Please get very familiar with the site concepts and start reading the notable posts thread in this forum.

BTW, I applaude your decision to throw their clothes on the lawn!

Last edited by faithful follower; 05/15/08 03:11 PM.

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Originally Posted by Runnerboy65
I had been suspicious of her for 2-3 months, but I couldn’t really make myself believe that there was really someone else and she vehemently denied that she was seeing someone else when I asked.

It's the lies that really hurt, isn't it?


Originally Posted by Runnerboy65
Since then, they were both fired from their jobs and she says that she will never forgive me for ruining her career and embarrassing her like I did.

You should make it absolutely clear - is was her AFFAIR that let to both of them being fired from their jobs. It's her AFFAIR that led to her embarrassment. Don't you take on any responsibility for that.


Originally Posted by Runnerboy65
I have ordered and read SAA and I know that I need to try and Plan A her if I want any chance at saving our marriage, but I just don’t want to meet her needs right now.

Yep, I know that feeling frown.


Originally Posted by Runnerboy65
How long does it typically take a BS to get over the initial shock of what’s happening and resolve to do the work necessary to save the marriage? It’s been 4 weeks and I still change my mind from one day to the other.

I don't think there's any "typical time". I'm three years out and still every now and then (but a lot less often than before), I feel like just walking out and never looking back. All I tell you is that for now your FWW is likely going through deep withdrawal and during this time you should be trying to do the best Plan A that you can (just bear in mind that Plan A is NOT Plan Appeasement).


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Originally Posted by faithful follower
BTW, I applaude your decision to throw their clothes on the lawn!

I'd say they got off very easy....



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Runner,

So sorry to hear about the Dday, but if you have to be somewhere, here at MB is the best place to be.

4 weeks is still a very short time to comprehend and absorb all that has just happened. That gapping, steaming wound in your chest from which your WW tore your beating heart out is still very fresh and tender. Try to

IF you want to reconcile and try to rebuild the M, you must read up on PLAN A and lay off of the LBs.

Your WW right now is probably feeling lower than whale barf on the bottom of the ocean. She has no job, no more friends at work or elsewhere, no future that she can see, no life with you, no good mother to her kids, etc, etc. She is going through withdrawal, fog-babble, total embarrassment, and mourning the loss of the rest of her life....all for one impetuous couple weeks.

"she will never forgive me for ruining her career and embarrassing her like I did."

Yeah right, and did you tell her that SHE is the one that did it and not you??

There is/was another fella here who walked in on the adulterous action and he said that site is burned into the retinas of his eyes for the rest of his life.

Of course, the rest of us BS's have burned our own images into our imaginations. AND I think most of us, in a way, envy you because we wish we could have done as you did. I DO NOT BLAME YOU FOR ONE ACTION YOU DID.

Just wish you would have taken the clothes WITH you!! in the car.

Stay strong. Anti-dprssnts might be an option, if not for you, then maybe for her.

IMHO

kirk



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Runnerboy,

I can relate to how you are feeling. I am a BS as well. I give you kudos for not putting up with your WW's adultery. So many other BH's are afraid of their WW and won't do anything because they are afraid they will lose their WW (as if they aren't already lost).

Now, here comes the 2x4. It seems obvious to me that you aren't divorcing her. So, you can just sit around and be mad at her and have your marriage not improve or get worse.........OR.........you can actually do something constructive to help rebuild your marriage. I know that you have about 0 incentive to work on the marriage right now, but I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for her to work on it. Besides, isn't it incentive enough to work on your marriage so that you can keep the family together, not pay thousands of dollars in lawyers' fees, not lose half your assets and income as well as access to your childrens lives, and not find some other OM screwing your WW. Now, the phrase is, "if you want something done, you've got to do it yourself." The same goes here.

You may have thought your marriage was good, but obviously your WW wasn't as happy. Why? What ENs were you not meeting of hers. What LBs were you committing? I'm sure that before her affair, she was upset with you for not caring about her needs enough, and instead of bring it up with you, she went to get her needs met elsewhere. If you want your needs to be met, you have to make sure to meet hers. Read up on SAA and HNHN. Learn to be a better husband.

As for the exposure, she'll get over it. All WS's do eventually. She's rather blame you than accept the responsibility for her actions. If you meet her needs and get her to fall in love with you again, she'll admit that it was her actions that got her in trouble not yours. But first she needs to get through withdrawal. It will probably take a couple months for her to get over OM. All the while you need to TRY and meet her ENs. Once she is over OM, she'll allow you to meet her needs again. She will then be apologetic for her actions. You just need to change first and lead the way to a better marriage. Trust me, it can be done.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
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Runnerboy65,

Apparently we are two of the lucky few who got to catch them red-handed.

It's been 2 years since my d-day. My FWW had no feelings for OM. There was no fog, no pining for OM, and she's been remorseful from day 1.

Even with all that, I struggle mightily. Read some of my posts and you'll see.

You can talk to me if you want...we're a rare breed even amongst BH's.


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Runnerboy, sorry you are here. But be assured that you did not "ruin" her career. Her career was ruined by her adultery. Your W and her sleazy boss made a stupid choice that left their company legally liable. Most companies don't choose to employ liars and cheaters and that is their right. It is not YOUR FAULT they committed adultery so stop taking the blame for something you DIDN'T DO. You did everything EXACTLY RIGHT.

If I were you, I would take some time to calm down to decide if you want to remain in the marriage. You don't feel like working on it now, I don't blame you one bit. I would sit back, take your time and make a careful decision. In the meantime, don't burn any bridges in case you decide you want to come back.

Welcome to MB. frown


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Bravo RB!!!!

Regardless if you were running on emotion, your "action plan" for exposure was brilliant.

Your feelings are so normal and you are joined by so many. (sad to say)

Just go with the flow and try to slow down and take time for yourself in absorbing what you read in the book and what you gather from the site. No need to be hasty now, you have done all the hard work. Many of us suffer for a very long time about how to expose, when to expose, blah blah blah


Good job!


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6 years of discovery.
Now - one day at a time....
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Originally Posted by Runnerboy65
I am afraid that she nay not get over the fallout from my exposure.

That is not an accurate statment. It should read:

I am afraid that she nay not get over the fallout from her adultery with a married man from work.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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p.s. are you ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that contact has ended? Are you spying on her? Checking her phone bills, computer, etc? If she was so enamored with him, I find it hard to believe she gave up this quickly.

Have you spoken to the OMW since D-Day to find out what she is seeing on her end?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Oh yeah, Krazy71 is the "other fella".

Sorry, Krazy.


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Runnerboy. . .

It is called blame shifting and that is what teenagers do. It is also what older humans do who have not decided that they ought to own their own stuff. In other words, they ain't grown ups yet.

As information, my wife was the same way until she had to face her infidelity, which was what caused her to become a grown up. Glad she found adulthood, hate the price I paid. mad

She is lucky she wasn't married to someone who carried around a gun. Bullet holes are hard to fix.

If I had to guess and I am gonna guess, I suspect she is not only dealing with her cheating heart, she is also dealing with the thought she was just a piece of meat to her boss. In a vain attempt to restore some shred of dignity and self respect, she is blaming you. Of course that isn't gonna do one tiny little bit of good in that direction.

Her only path to self respect is to own her own stuff and admit she allowed herself to be used as a receptacle because she failed to protect her weaknesses. From there, she can become a grownup, if she wants to.

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I'm so sorry, Runnerboy. Do your children have any idea what is going on?

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Thanks to all of you who have responded. I am actually a little overwhelmed by how many have responded in so short a time. I wish I had time to respond to each post, but today is a very busy day so I’ll try to just respond to all of them in one post.

First, there is some comfort in knowing that there are others who have been in my shoes and have come through okay. I do want to recover my marriage, but I also know that I will be okay if that doesn’t happen. After reading many of the responses from yesterday, I finally resolved to do everything in my power to improve myself as a husband and to rebuild my marriage. If it fails, I want to know that it was not because I didn’t give it every chance to recover.

She won’t do the ENQ, but I’m pretty sure her top two are admiration and conversation. I think I’ve done a pretty good job over the past few weeks of meeting those when she will let me. My biggest problem is the LB’s. Something will trigger me and I’ll flash back to d-day and all the anger just spews out. I know I need to really work on that. I am trying to find a better way to express the incredible hurt I feel instead of with angry outburst.

As to the children, they all know about what was going on. The younger 2 unfortunately overheard us arguing. I know it’s not the best way for them to find out, but at least they know. I have gone back to each of them and tried to explain to them that both of us love them and that none of this is there fault and that no matter what happens that both of us will always love them. They are both still really angry with her, but I am trying to step in when they act disrespectful to her. As for the oldest, she just returned from college last week, but I drove up to her campus a few weeks ago and filled her in. She was hurt, but she has probably handled it better then any of us. In fact, she has been a great calming influence in the house since she got home.

We are leaving early this afternoon to go out of town for DS16’s baseball tournament. I am hoping it will be a good distraction and it will give us a little time alone before and after the games because he stays in a room with his teammates. I am just going to keep trying to meet her EN’s and bite my tongue and find a way to walk away when the anger hits.

Krazy, I can totally relate to your threads. I’m sure infidelity is devastating to all involved, but there’s really no way to put into words what it feels like to have the image of them together burned into your brain to trigger you constantly.

Finally, as to NC. I have been checking both the cell phone bills and her email accounts and since the first week I haven’t found any contact. All of the calls that first week were from her to him and only lasted less than a minute. I talked to OMW last week and she confirmed the calls that first week, but said that they were all just messages because OM never answered the phone. Apparently there was no emotion involved for him, because she said he has not exhibited any signs of withdrawal. Apparently he’s too busy begging her to not kick him out and promising that it will never happen again. Not likely since this is apparently not the first time for him. One of WW coworkers stopped by a couple of weeks ago to check on her and I overheard her telling WW too just let him go because he had done this same thing with at least 3 other women in their firm over the past 5 years. I really think this hit WW hard. She has been really depressed since that visit. She is supposed to go to her Dr today to talk about maybe getting on an antidepressant. Hopefully that will help improve her attitude which will then make it easier for me to avoid LB’s


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Great job exposing. Have you talked about the affair with you WW?
Is WW willing to answer questions about the affair.

Be careful to check that NC is being maintained.

WW is going through withdrawal for the OM now. Withdrawal can go on for six months. Until withdrawal is done WW will act very cold. WW will avoid talk or meeting any of your needs.

If WW does talk it will be to blame you. WW is hurting because the OM threw WW under the bus to save himself and his own marriage instead of running off with her.
WW has to process that she was nothing but a F buddy to the OM.

Until WW comes to terms with her pain she will not be able to see the pain she has caused you.

You should also expose to WW's parents. Then have her get tested for STD's.

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Runnerboy,

I think you have handled this whole situation admirably. With the tone of your last post and the fact that OM wants nothing to do with your WW, I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how well things turn out in a year or two if you stick to the plan. A lot of times this kind of thing is a wake-up call for the marriage and it catalyzes some real positive change. For others it spells the end of their marriage. Be very thankful that your WW's affair ended when you found out about it. For so many of us, we had to endure the affair continuing right in front of our face. Read up on MB, stick with the plan, and keep us posted.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
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Thanks for the encouragement.

I have on emore question.

I’m unsure of what this means, but thought someone here may have some insight.

She calls me at work this morning and suggests “why don’t I just stay home this weekend with the girls and you can go to the baseball tournament alone.” When I asked her why she responded “ I know how much you enjoy these things and I don’t want to be a wet blanket for the whole weekend.”

I assured her that I really did want her to go and that my weekend would be much better if she went. I told her that the girls would be fine at home by themselves ( my 19y/o is great at staying with her little sister ) and was finally able to talk her into going.

Now I think she is just trying to avoid the other parents for fear that they know all about what happened. I haven’t told any of the other parents, but I can’t be sure that DS16 hasn’t told some of the other kids. She still refuses to go to church with me and the kids because she “just doesn’t feel like going.” But I know that she is really worried that I have told everyone about how horrible she is. In fact, other than going to lunch with her best friend a couple of times a week, she has rarely left the house since she was fired shortly after d-day.

The thought also ran through my head that she may be planning to try and meet or talk to OM. With all the lies, I sometimes think I overanalyze her motives with everything she does these days, but I refuse to be fooled again.


BH(me)-44
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d-day 4/18/08
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