I am sorry I am posting alot today. I have never been able to discuss this before because first I thought, was told through the church and other christian sites, that women were not supposed to desire sex. I have a pretty strong need in that area that has not been met in our marriage for a few reasons. My H has a problem with premature ejaculation which I knew about before we got married. In the beginning we read a lot and tried a lot of different things but then it felt so clinical and our making love just turned into sex for him without anything for me. Over the years as we got involved with the church and stuff it was taught that that was an important need for a woman to meet for a man but not vice versa. I can count on one hand the amount of times H and I actually made love over the years it felt more like having sex and I would end up going to sleep crying. Now that we are talking about working our marriage out I want to talk about this but it has always been a sore subject for him and I don't want to make him feel bad. It is just that having this need go unmet for so long has made me a frustrated and angry person and is one of the reasons behind my affair. Not the only reason because H and I have figured out that neither one of us has been meeting each others ENs.

zen,

It would be easier for everyone if you posted on one thread, but you asked so I will answer.

You tell him that YOUR affair was NOT his fault, he did not get a vote, and you made that decision and it was wrong.

Now having said that what is also true is that you both have/had a role in the state of the marriage. You MUST read several articles on this site.

1. Read about radical honesty, it is not BRUTAL honesty, radical honesty. If you two had had that, alot of this mess could be avoided.

2. Read about the policy of joint agreement and hopefully you and your H can decide to use it. It will help you both repair and rebuild this marriage.

3. Read about the 4 rules for a good marriage. They are simple obvious, and often not followed. Try using them during your recovery.

Now if you have read these things then you already know what my answer to you is. You be honest with your H. He needs to know what you need and if that is more SF, then great.

BUT, here is something you may not realize. Most men, yes I am a man, really really enjoy pleasing their wives. What you are asking of him or want to ask of him is something that will probably help HIM reconnect with you. I know it sounds odd, but there it is.

I am not an expert on PE, but I know there are things that can be done, including more rather than less sex. Further, there are other ways for him to satisfy you, and between married couples you are allowed to use them. Talk with your H, be frank, but kind. The key here is that using the POJA it should end up a win-win situation.

I suspect if you give your H a chance he will do his best. I would also guess that his PE issue has affected him more than you realize, especially in the intimacy department. I am sure he feels like a failure and it is painful for him to fail you, soooo he has stayed away from his pain.

It is a normal human response, but one that can be addressed with your kind consideration, perhaps some counseling and surely a visit to a physician.

Finally, if you want him to "make love" to you, you may need to show him how. Take the lead and show the man how to really make love to you, and I would guess with your guidance and feedback he will turn into a good lover. This stuff does not come naturally and it takes practice, discussion, experimentation, more discussion and it takes compassion.

If you can russle up some compassion, use it on him. He needs it.

God Bless,

JL