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#2136017 - 10/03/08 09:51 AM How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband
tiredandangry Offline
Member

Registered: 08/09/08
Posts: 97
Well I am at a loss, I think I have run out of ways to get my husband to understand how frustrated I am. I have thought of moving out if anything to save my sanity. I wrote a letter I plan on giving him tonight as talking to him seems not to be working. I appreciate any and all advice, on what I wrote, please be free to edit it or tell me if I am making selfish demands, love busters you name it I am all ears, or should I say eyeballs. Thanks in advance HERE IS THE LETTER

Hi Hun, I felt like writing this out because talking face to face has not seemed to work, I hope you don't mind. First of all I understand you are under a lot of stress at work and have had a stressful job for the time we have been married, and I have tried hard not to be an added burden to you. You are an excellent provider, maybe a bit stingy with money but I do understand where you are coming from and do not hold that against you, I am so proud of the success you have had in your career. Your children and I have more than enough to eat and a warm home to call ours.

As you know I have felt we have become detached since the birth of our son eighteen years ago, I now realize your needs differ greatly from mine. I get great joy out of doing little things to please you like (sexually, making your special dinners, getting you up in the morning, making your lunches and having your things ready for work) believe it or not I even think it is important for you to have a few hours to yourself in the evening and weekends for your nap or to go out with the guys, or TV. Just not all weekend and all night.

I am more than appreciative that you can now say I love you and hug me after all these years that was a major step and it really makes my day.

Hon this has been a long marriage for me with chronic patterns of unhappiness, I feel like we are in a rut, I know I have made my fair share of mistakes and have been working hard to fix our marriage but it takes two. This letter is not a who is wright and who is wrong letter because there is no wright or wrong just me feeling that you do not understand the lack of communication, intimacy and affection has been unbearable.

I know I alone am responsible for my own happiness an have taken giant steps to keep my mind off the marriage but there are many times I feel alone and depressed even when we are together. I do not want to nag you the last thing I ever wanted to be was a nag but I also do not want to see you as selfish and resent you. If I continue to resent you I will be forced to stop having sex, but the way things have been sex with no intimacy all these years has made me feel not as a wife but as a prostitute.

I really want to love you as I did before the children were born and have worked hard for you to understand my frustration. I do not want to end up another divorce statistic for something I see that can be so easily fixed. All I am asking for is respect, appreciation and support a tiny bit of affection, add some foreplay and be considerate of my feelings, a kind word here and there, a small gesture believe me I am as receptive as a puppy and would appreciate any or all of these things. Are these not the things that I give to you?

Anyway as said before I don't want to continue to beg but also cannot continue to keep quiet. I will continue to pray that you can learn not to be oblivious to my needs and not get what I have been saying for eighteen years just before some moment of crisis such as illness or myself moving out.


Your Wife and Mother of Your Children.



Edited by tiredandangry (10/03/08 05:09 PM)
Edit Reason: typo

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#2136037 - 10/03/08 10:42 AM Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: tiredandangry]
NewEveryDay Offline
Member

Registered: 10/17/05
Posts: 9206
tired, this is the first post that I've read from you about your own situation. I have read some posts to others. But I don't know a lot about your situation.

Have you tried the MB Basic Concepts? Identified your love busters, identified your H's top ENS and how you would be enthusiastic about meeting them, gotten O&H in everyday matters?
_________________________
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010

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#2136048 - 10/03/08 10:53 AM Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: NewEveryDay]
tiredandangry Offline
Member

Registered: 08/09/08
Posts: 97
Hi yes did the EN thing sorta, he thought it was really silly. He did write down his needs are sex and sexual stuff, cant say it on here. Better communication, if he attempts to live up to my expectations his words and they are not meeting my requirements to tell him at the time or otherwise how would he know. So I do because we only talk about five or ten minutes a day while the rest of the night is dedicated to what he wants. Also he wants to be able to go to golf, hockey or work late without me complaining that we never do anything together. Thats all I got he seems pretty simple.

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#2136055 - 10/03/08 10:58 AM Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: tiredandangry]
Soolee Offline
Member

Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 5234
Did you read the basic concepts and did he fill out the LB questionnaire for you or just the EN questionnaire?

Those 5 or 10 minutes - how are they spent? Who all is there, etc.?
_________________________
Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.

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#2136057 - 10/03/08 11:04 AM Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: Soolee]
tiredandangry Offline
Member

Registered: 08/09/08
Posts: 97
Yes did that one Monday to Friday was all the same, Dinner no talking and TV or he goes out, weekends sports and more sports one day he did not say a word or move for nine hours watching racing, how anyone can drink so much pop and not have to pee is mind boggling. I stay home with the children when he is out or watch him watch TV, stewing but not trying to rock the boat. As for things changing he says things are really better, since do not complain now about his going out, I go out during the day while he is at work and the kids are at school. He says things are really great he is really racking in the only problem things are better for just him.

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#2136064 - 10/03/08 11:13 AM Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: tiredandangry]
Soolee Offline
Member

Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 5234
So what you're saying is that you've eliminated all his LBs and are fulfilling his top ENs but he is not reciprocating.

Why do you suppose there is no talking at dinner? Do you attempt to make conversation, or are you possibly frustrated and leaving that part up to him maybe?

Have you asked him to read the article,Why Women Leave Men?

Or would you be afraid that he would think you're going to leave if you gave it to him?

What are you doing just for you lately? Have you thought about taking a bubble bath while he watches TV, doing your nails, etc., rather than sitting there angry?
_________________________
Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.

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#2136066 - 10/03/08 11:25 AM Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: Soolee]
tiredandangry Offline
Member

Registered: 08/09/08
Posts: 97
We talk the children and I my husband eats and says thanks sometimes or that was good and thats it. This is the way he is, he is like that in the morning will not say a word till he has his coffee and he just mumbles good morning, not a morning person, if you do talk its yes and no answers. He does not talk to the children " scratch that rarely talks to the children, does not take much interest in them or their interests" sorta thinks its a mothers role, or try to make conversation with his parents so its not just me. He is great, Mr personality with the people he works with just not so great with the people that love him. It like he takes us all for granted.

Do I think he would leave? No he has it made I do not think any other women in her right mind that did not have his children would put up with him for very long. I hate the way he treats his mother that should have been a red flag for me.

As for taking a bath and doing my nails, yes I do all of that, I even bought really expensive books that I have always wanted and read those to keep busy.


Like I said his EN are a bit different than mine, sure he loves the affection, attention, admiration etc.. but he will never say so and hardly if ever says thank you. Not exactly a good role model for the children. His other need is space when and how long he wants it. So my complaining or even making suggestions would be a LB to him.


Edited by tiredandangry (10/03/08 11:34 AM)
Edit Reason: typo

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#2136090 - 10/03/08 12:12 PM Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: tiredandangry]
jennydream Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 147
 Quote:
know I alone am responsible for my own happiness an have taken giant steps to keep my mind off the marriage but there are many times I feel alone and depressed even when we are together. I do not want to nag you the last thing I ever wanted to be was a nag but I also do not want to see you as selfish and resent you. If I continue to resent you I will be forced to stop having sex, but the way things have been sex with no intimacy all these years has made me feel not as a wife but as a prostitute.


Good to see your post. I just wanted to give you an affirmation that you are not alone. If you read my thread, you would know I have very similar feelings. For me, sex felt more like a rape. I would feel violated and I would sometimes get physically ill.

I don’t recommend stop having sex with your husband. I went down that path, and it created more issues. For me it simply diverted my sexual desire towards other men. And while I would never have an affair, the sexual thoughts towards other men are unhealthy.

I would recommend having your husband do the emotional needs questionnaire. I am in that process at this very moment. That process may also help you learn of areas you get better help meet your husband’s emotional needs.

So, I would actually recommend that you re-write the letter with more of a focus that you love him and are dedicated to the marriage. Then you could say that since you love him you want to be able to meet his emotional needs and there is a good questionnaire that can help.

That is the approach I took with my husband (which I learned from reading this site). I didn’t make any demands or complain, I simply said that I love him and I want to improve myself so I can make him happier. He was quite receptive. In fact, he immediately asked if I could fill out a similar questionnaire so he could see how he could better meet my emotional needs. Luckily, I just HAPPENED to have one ready for him. :-)

If your husband is like mine, he probably would have shut down emotionally if I would have told him that he needs to make some improvements and, by the way, here is a questionnaire I expect him to complete. He probably would have been resentful and quickly completed the questionnaire just to pacify me.

So if I were you, I would write him a letter telling how you adore him and are crazy about him. Then mention that you feel like you do worry that you might not be meeting some of his emotional needs, and would he be so kind to complete this questionnaire? I bet you he will react like my husband and ask if you can also fill out a questionnaire concerning your emotional needs.

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#2136099 - 10/03/08 12:25 PM Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: jennydream]
tiredandangry Offline
Member

Registered: 08/09/08
Posts: 97
Hi no sex never felt like rape more like I was a prostitute, he is not much in the way of meeting my needs for intimacy " you know work me up before the main event, more like he has his fill and should I leave her the bank card?" If if felt like rape I think that would be a different issue.

Anyways your right about telling them anything negative any hint your unhappy and they regress, push you away. As I mentioned my husband is pig headed maybe not in so many words. He knows how to please me knows what I need just for some reason bring himself to do it for what ever reason. I don't think he is retarded but boy oh boy sometimes I get that impression, also the impression that he is so spoiled and selfish has a huge ego so big that he wonders why in the world is she complaining, making suggestions I am perfect. I don't know, anyway about the letter yes you have a point, I am fearful of making an LB, but putting on a slinky outfit and writing him a how great he is letter might set me back again, been down that road. Confused......


Edited by tiredandangry (10/03/08 12:33 PM)
Edit Reason: typo

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#2136103 - 10/03/08 12:44 PM Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: tiredandangry]
Soolee Offline
Member

Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 5234
Well...I think I would read up on negotiating. I think that's something you might benefit from. Read up on giver and taker. Do searches on it. Maybe something will pop up. Or start another thread on those topics.

Sounds like you're resenting being the giver all the time. The LB book talks about that. You need to find some sort of balance there.

For instance, you'll be happy to cook his favorite meal once a week if he starts taking the kids for ice-cream once a week, or something like that. It gives him time with the kids, and gets them out of your hair for a little while.

Decide what, exactly, you want out of the relationship, and start negotiating.
_________________________
Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.

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