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How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband #2136017
10/03/08 09:51 AM
10/03/08 09:51 AM
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tiredandangry Offline OP
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Well I am at a loss, I think I have run out of ways to get my husband to understand how frustrated I am. I have thought of moving out if anything to save my sanity. I wrote a letter I plan on giving him tonight as talking to him seems not to be working. I appreciate any and all advice, on what I wrote, please be free to edit it or tell me if I am making selfish demands, love busters you name it I am all ears, or should I say eyeballs. Thanks in advance HERE IS THE LETTER

Hi Hun, I felt like writing this out because talking face to face has not seemed to work, I hope you don't mind. First of all I understand you are under a lot of stress at work and have had a stressful job for the time we have been married, and I have tried hard not to be an added burden to you. You are an excellent provider, maybe a bit stingy with money but I do understand where you are coming from and do not hold that against you, I am so proud of the success you have had in your career. Your children and I have more than enough to eat and a warm home to call ours.

As you know I have felt we have become detached since the birth of our son eighteen years ago, I now realize your needs differ greatly from mine. I get great joy out of doing little things to please you like (sexually, making your special dinners, getting you up in the morning, making your lunches and having your things ready for work) believe it or not I even think it is important for you to have a few hours to yourself in the evening and weekends for your nap or to go out with the guys, or TV. Just not all weekend and all night.

I am more than appreciative that you can now say I love you and hug me after all these years that was a major step and it really makes my day.

Hon this has been a long marriage for me with chronic patterns of unhappiness, I feel like we are in a rut, I know I have made my fair share of mistakes and have been working hard to fix our marriage but it takes two. This letter is not a who is wright and who is wrong letter because there is no wright or wrong just me feeling that you do not understand the lack of communication, intimacy and affection has been unbearable.

I know I alone am responsible for my own happiness an have taken giant steps to keep my mind off the marriage but there are many times I feel alone and depressed even when we are together. I do not want to nag you the last thing I ever wanted to be was a nag but I also do not want to see you as selfish and resent you. If I continue to resent you I will be forced to stop having sex, but the way things have been sex with no intimacy all these years has made me feel not as a wife but as a prostitute.

I really want to love you as I did before the children were born and have worked hard for you to understand my frustration. I do not want to end up another divorce statistic for something I see that can be so easily fixed. All I am asking for is respect, appreciation and support a tiny bit of affection, add some foreplay and be considerate of my feelings, a kind word here and there, a small gesture believe me I am as receptive as a puppy and would appreciate any or all of these things. Are these not the things that I give to you?

Anyway as said before I don't want to continue to beg but also cannot continue to keep quiet. I will continue to pray that you can learn not to be oblivious to my needs and not get what I have been saying for eighteen years just before some moment of crisis such as illness or myself moving out.


Your Wife and Mother of Your Children.


Last edited by tiredandangry; 10/03/08 05:09 PM. Reason: typo
Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: tiredandangry] #2136037
10/03/08 10:42 AM
10/03/08 10:42 AM
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NewEveryDay Online content
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tired, this is the first post that I've read from you about your own situation. I have read some posts to others. But I don't know a lot about your situation.

Have you tried the MB Basic Concepts? Identified your love busters, identified your H's top ENS and how you would be enthusiastic about meeting them, gotten O&H in everyday matters?


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: NewEveryDay] #2136048
10/03/08 10:53 AM
10/03/08 10:53 AM
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tiredandangry Offline OP
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Hi yes did the EN thing sorta, he thought it was really silly. He did write down his needs are sex and sexual stuff, cant say it on here. Better communication, if he attempts to live up to my expectations his words and they are not meeting my requirements to tell him at the time or otherwise how would he know. So I do because we only talk about five or ten minutes a day while the rest of the night is dedicated to what he wants. Also he wants to be able to go to golf, hockey or work late without me complaining that we never do anything together. Thats all I got he seems pretty simple.

Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: tiredandangry] #2136055
10/03/08 10:58 AM
10/03/08 10:58 AM
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Soolee Offline
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Did you read the basic concepts and did he fill out the LB questionnaire for you or just the EN questionnaire?

Those 5 or 10 minutes - how are they spent? Who all is there, etc.?


Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.
Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: Soolee] #2136057
10/03/08 11:04 AM
10/03/08 11:04 AM
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tiredandangry Offline OP
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Yes did that one Monday to Friday was all the same, Dinner no talking and TV or he goes out, weekends sports and more sports one day he did not say a word or move for nine hours watching racing, how anyone can drink so much pop and not have to pee is mind boggling. I stay home with the children when he is out or watch him watch TV, stewing but not trying to rock the boat. As for things changing he says things are really better, since do not complain now about his going out, I go out during the day while he is at work and the kids are at school. He says things are really great he is really racking in the only problem things are better for just him.

Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: tiredandangry] #2136064
10/03/08 11:13 AM
10/03/08 11:13 AM
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Soolee Offline
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So what you're saying is that you've eliminated all his LBs and are fulfilling his top ENs but he is not reciprocating.

Why do you suppose there is no talking at dinner? Do you attempt to make conversation, or are you possibly frustrated and leaving that part up to him maybe?

Have you asked him to read the article,Why Women Leave Men?

Or would you be afraid that he would think you're going to leave if you gave it to him?

What are you doing just for you lately? Have you thought about taking a bubble bath while he watches TV, doing your nails, etc., rather than sitting there angry?


Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.
Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: Soolee] #2136066
10/03/08 11:25 AM
10/03/08 11:25 AM
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tiredandangry Offline OP
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We talk the children and I my husband eats and says thanks sometimes or that was good and thats it. This is the way he is, he is like that in the morning will not say a word till he has his coffee and he just mumbles good morning, not a morning person, if you do talk its yes and no answers. He does not talk to the children " scratch that rarely talks to the children, does not take much interest in them or their interests" sorta thinks its a mothers role, or try to make conversation with his parents so its not just me. He is great, Mr personality with the people he works with just not so great with the people that love him. It like he takes us all for granted.

Do I think he would leave? No he has it made I do not think any other women in her right mind that did not have his children would put up with him for very long. I hate the way he treats his mother that should have been a red flag for me.

As for taking a bath and doing my nails, yes I do all of that, I even bought really expensive books that I have always wanted and read those to keep busy.


Like I said his EN are a bit different than mine, sure he loves the affection, attention, admiration etc.. but he will never say so and hardly if ever says thank you. Not exactly a good role model for the children. His other need is space when and how long he wants it. So my complaining or even making suggestions would be a LB to him.

Last edited by tiredandangry; 10/03/08 11:34 AM. Reason: typo
Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: tiredandangry] #2136090
10/03/08 12:12 PM
10/03/08 12:12 PM
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jennydream Offline
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 Quote:
know I alone am responsible for my own happiness an have taken giant steps to keep my mind off the marriage but there are many times I feel alone and depressed even when we are together. I do not want to nag you the last thing I ever wanted to be was a nag but I also do not want to see you as selfish and resent you. If I continue to resent you I will be forced to stop having sex, but the way things have been sex with no intimacy all these years has made me feel not as a wife but as a prostitute.


Good to see your post. I just wanted to give you an affirmation that you are not alone. If you read my thread, you would know I have very similar feelings. For me, sex felt more like a rape. I would feel violated and I would sometimes get physically ill.

I don’t recommend stop having sex with your husband. I went down that path, and it created more issues. For me it simply diverted my sexual desire towards other men. And while I would never have an affair, the sexual thoughts towards other men are unhealthy.

I would recommend having your husband do the emotional needs questionnaire. I am in that process at this very moment. That process may also help you learn of areas you get better help meet your husband’s emotional needs.

So, I would actually recommend that you re-write the letter with more of a focus that you love him and are dedicated to the marriage. Then you could say that since you love him you want to be able to meet his emotional needs and there is a good questionnaire that can help.

That is the approach I took with my husband (which I learned from reading this site). I didn’t make any demands or complain, I simply said that I love him and I want to improve myself so I can make him happier. He was quite receptive. In fact, he immediately asked if I could fill out a similar questionnaire so he could see how he could better meet my emotional needs. Luckily, I just HAPPENED to have one ready for him. :-)

If your husband is like mine, he probably would have shut down emotionally if I would have told him that he needs to make some improvements and, by the way, here is a questionnaire I expect him to complete. He probably would have been resentful and quickly completed the questionnaire just to pacify me.

So if I were you, I would write him a letter telling how you adore him and are crazy about him. Then mention that you feel like you do worry that you might not be meeting some of his emotional needs, and would he be so kind to complete this questionnaire? I bet you he will react like my husband and ask if you can also fill out a questionnaire concerning your emotional needs.

Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: jennydream] #2136099
10/03/08 12:25 PM
10/03/08 12:25 PM
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tiredandangry Offline OP
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Hi no sex never felt like rape more like I was a prostitute, he is not much in the way of meeting my needs for intimacy " you know work me up before the main event, more like he has his fill and should I leave her the bank card?" If if felt like rape I think that would be a different issue.

Anyways your right about telling them anything negative any hint your unhappy and they regress, push you away. As I mentioned my husband is pig headed maybe not in so many words. He knows how to please me knows what I need just for some reason bring himself to do it for what ever reason. I don't think he is retarded but boy oh boy sometimes I get that impression, also the impression that he is so spoiled and selfish has a huge ego so big that he wonders why in the world is she complaining, making suggestions I am perfect. I don't know, anyway about the letter yes you have a point, I am fearful of making an LB, but putting on a slinky outfit and writing him a how great he is letter might set me back again, been down that road. Confused......

Last edited by tiredandangry; 10/03/08 12:33 PM. Reason: typo
Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: tiredandangry] #2136103
10/03/08 12:44 PM
10/03/08 12:44 PM
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Soolee Offline
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Well...I think I would read up on negotiating. I think that's something you might benefit from. Read up on giver and taker. Do searches on it. Maybe something will pop up. Or start another thread on those topics.

Sounds like you're resenting being the giver all the time. The LB book talks about that. You need to find some sort of balance there.

For instance, you'll be happy to cook his favorite meal once a week if he starts taking the kids for ice-cream once a week, or something like that. It gives him time with the kids, and gets them out of your hair for a little while.

Decide what, exactly, you want out of the relationship, and start negotiating.


Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.
Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: tiredandangry] #2136108
10/03/08 12:50 PM
10/03/08 12:50 PM
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jennydream Offline
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 Quote:
Hi no sex never felt like rape more like I was a prostitute, he is not much in the way of meeting my needs for intimacy " you know work me up before the main event, more like he has his fill and should I leave her the bank card?" If if felt like rape I think that would be a different issue.


My situation is different in that I have had sexual issues most of my life. I won’t go into details because all of that is on a thread I started. This thread is about you, not me.

Have you ever enjoyed sex with your husband? Do you currently enjoy sex with your husband? Do you think it is a technique problem or an emotional problem?

I would think that if you have emotional issues with your husband (such as you are resentful of the lack of time he gives you), that those issues would derail the quality of sex. Meaning, even if he did spend more time in foreplay, it still would not be sexually satisfying.

I am also curious is your sexual desire still high? Do your sexual thoughts ever involve other me?

I ask, because while our situations are different, there are some common themes.

Last edited by jennydream; 10/03/08 12:50 PM.
Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: Soolee] #2136109
10/03/08 12:52 PM
10/03/08 12:52 PM
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tiredandangry Offline OP
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Hi yes read that the giver and taker and agree with the premise. I think right now the only thing I am having trouble with is negotiating with him like you said, he sometimes seems open to suggestions but it will go in one ear and slowly creep out the other. Trying not to LB but I also not to remain a doormat.

I read a post about doing a 180 does anyone know what that is and would that help?

Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: jennydream] #2136121
10/03/08 01:01 PM
10/03/08 01:01 PM
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tiredandangry Offline OP
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Lets just say I would enjoy sex a hole lot more if my husband was more aware of my emotional needs. As for sex itself sure I enjoy it with him as long as I am not over tired and its not all about him.

For the longest time I do not think he knew that women climaxed so he had his fun and was done. It took me awhile to teach him that sex can be just a enjoyable for women as for men. Well I taught grasshopper well, he still has a bad habit of forgetting that I am not an appliance and to make sure my needs were met, but he is getting better. I think he does not get the fact that he would not have to work so hard to please me in bed and it would be faster if he gave me kisses and touches before, you know like hours before the main event.

Wow sometimes I think was easier to potty train three children that it is for men to retain information. Just a vent.

Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: tiredandangry] #2136122
10/03/08 01:01 PM
10/03/08 01:01 PM
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Soolee Offline
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Negotiating(Also note there is an entire forum on Negotiating if you need specific input.)

Last edited by Soolee; 10/03/08 01:03 PM.

Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.
Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: Soolee] #2136129
10/03/08 01:08 PM
10/03/08 01:08 PM
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tiredandangry Offline OP
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Thanks for the info, when he gets home tonight I will hold off on the letter and try working on negotiating with him. Its funny men think women are so complicated and hard to please when really we are not such a mystery if they would just listen.

Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: tiredandangry] #2136132
10/03/08 01:13 PM
10/03/08 01:13 PM
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jennydream Offline
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 Quote:
Well I taught grasshopper well, he still has a bad habit of forgetting that I am not an appliance and to make sure my needs were met, but he is getting better.


Well, if he is improving that is good news!

Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: jennydream] #2136137
10/03/08 01:18 PM
10/03/08 01:18 PM
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tiredandangry Offline OP
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Jenny any progress has been slow and painful its very hard to stay optimistic. I wish you the best luck and hope things work out with your husband he seems to have the affectionate thing down just, you just have to work on your sexual issues it seems. Well you have a great day thanks for letting me spill my guts. Day all.

Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: jennydream] #2136138
10/03/08 01:18 PM
10/03/08 01:18 PM
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Soolee Offline
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Just my .02, but I think you and jenny would both benefit from really making full use of this website. Check out the Q&A columns about desire and sexuality. Very interesting indeed. Read the article I mentioned before about why women leave men. Casually leave it laying around... There's a ton of information here, and it's all free. Tell yourself that you'll spend 30 to 60 minutes on here daily, and maybe by 2012 you'll get through it all. \:\)


Last edited by Soolee; 10/03/08 01:24 PM.

Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.
Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: tiredandangry] #2136142
10/03/08 01:23 PM
10/03/08 01:23 PM
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Soolee Offline
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I'm not sure how old you are or how long you've been married. I'm 45 and married 19 years. What I'm finding is that men really do better if they are asked point blank to do something specific, preferably starting small. If you beat around the bush and expect them to read your mind - it'll either never happen or they'll pretend they don't understand.

Pieta can really give you hints on how to do this effectively. She should teach a course on it, truthfully, and the sad part is that it really is kind of elementary. You use your womanly wiles to get what you want. Period. Use what G*d gave ya.

My apologies for any men out there who are offended.


Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

Me 47
DH 46
Together for 28 years.
Married 21 years.
Re: How To Write A Dear John Letter To My Husband [Re: Soolee] #2136143
10/03/08 01:29 PM
10/03/08 01:29 PM
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tiredandangry Offline OP
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Hi I am 39 and he is 41 married 19 years my husband said the same thing he is not a mind reader. Well I said it would be nice if you wanted to watched six hours of TV a night maybe just put your arm around me, or ask me what I am reading, you know show that you know I am in the same room and not avoiding me. I would bring him drinks, snacks and make small talk and he would just sit there like a bag of potatoes. I think I got a dud and want a new model

Last edited by tiredandangry; 10/03/08 01:35 PM. Reason: added info
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