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I've been cooking on this thread for a few days. 2Much2Lose, Tully, Bestfriend, and many more of you are dealing with the same issue.

A number of you have been called on the carpet by well-meaning folks here and in your family for stepping into the Plan B process. They don't understand the purpose of Plan B.

I've been reading "As A Man Thinketh" by James Allen. Google this title and you can actually download the book free from asamanthinketh.net

In particular, I love this quote for betrayed spouses:

Quote:
A person cannot directly choose his circumstances, but he can choose his thoughts, and so indirectly, yet surely, shape his circumstances."


This is the greatest gift of Plan B.

Before you removed yourself from the drama equation you were in what we call on the farm "a manure pit". Everywhere, the stench of cheating filled your nostrils - your thoughts and breath were consumed by getting the smell to stop!

Well, that doesn't lead you to think of how to better yourself, your life, and it's difficult to think of anything but the past - back when the marriage didn't stink!

Your wayward spouse accuses you of being the cause of the stinky marriage. But there's only one thing that causes this kind of stench - a wayward heart. And wayward hearts attract stenchy affair partners because they can't tell that they are the source of the stench.

But here's the big truth....

It's not the wayward spouse who is your primary problem.

....

...

..

.


Yes - you read that right. It's yourself. The lacking of any sense of self-worth... by degrees. You believe their blame that you harmed the marriage and they were on their way out well before affair person came around... Yeah right. When it's their own SBDs (silent but deadlies) sabotaging the sanctity of their vows.

If you are to become all that you were meant to be in a marriage, you must be whole, all by yourself.

Plan B is a breath of fresh air. You can think of how to better your life a lot easier when it doesn't stink so bad your eyes water. However, a partial Plan B doesn't accomplish this.

The most impressive moments in the lives of those who share their Plan B progress here – Mimi stands out when she put her dream house up for sale. Rinn stands out when she moved to the shelter. Charlotte when she hired Shiny. And most recently, Tully - yes - you - though you've been battered by your mother in law (a vicarious beating from your husband, actually) you took the Mimi approach and left the dream house.

How would you respond to people if you absolutely knew that you were worth the fidelity requirement?

How would you respond to your wayward trying to break down your Plan B?

Mimi got to that point - she absolutely knew her worth and she would no longer tolerate life with a double-minded man. Her knowledge of her own value is the reason she is such an inspiration here.

Rinn - you know what you thought of yourself before you left the marital home - you left, trusting in the words and knowledge of others, as well as that finality knowledge - you couldn't go on one more day under the threat of verbal, sexual, physical and emotional abuse.

So Plan Bs in progress and Plan B Wanna-B-B-ers, listen up!

Share on this thread who you are - ideal - without your WS defining you. And then read it every day like an affirmation. Remember who you are - sons and daughters of a heavenly father who loves you; find that perfection and let your thoughts lead you to live in the solution instead of the problem.

Bob Proctor wrote a book I've had on my shelf for years. He says:

Quote:
You're either living in the problem or you're living in the solution.


Plan B is the way to live in the solution. Let the wayward clean up the stench!

Last edited by Dufresne; 01/24/10 05:22 PM. Reason: changing title on request

Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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I'm setting out some books in the Plan B Cafe - kind of a read, mingle place... Taking suggestions on what to add to the list.

If you want to change your focus and your thoughts, change what you put into your mind. My mentor Vic Johnson says to read from a good book for 30 minutes just before going to sleep and the first 30 minutes after waking.

So here are some great books I have read so far. (please feel free to add to the list)

"As A Man Thinketh" by James Allen
"Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz
"Day By Day With James Allen" by Vic Johnson
"Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen R Covey
"Let's Get Real or Let's Not Play" by Mahan Khalsa
"The Holy Bible" - particularly Psalms, Proverbs, Romans Ch 8
"Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill
"You Were Born Rich" by Bob Proctor
"Make the Connection" by Bob Greene and Oprah Winfrey (take what you learn about dieting, and just put "self worth" into the equation - you'll get why I recommend it)
"I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" By Gary Lundberg and Joy Saunders Lundberg

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Great idea, Kayla. Plan B is so difficult at first, and it is hard to post to get help because in a good one, nothing is happening re the WS.

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Just got 2 books, gonna make some time to read them. Think they can be added to your list....

"Psycho-cybernetics" by Maxwell Maltz-Learn to turn crisis into a creative opportunity

"Learned Optimism" by Martin E.P. Seligman, Ph.D. Acquire optimism and significantly improve your life.


Me-39 H-38/Married 19years/DD18 & DS10
Dday EA/PA 4/23/08 Left home 5/08/08
Moved in w/Sea Hag 08/01/08
Read SAA Sept 08 Plan A 10/03/08 thru 11/15/08
Plan B 11/15/08-currently
01/18/09 Plan B crack w/phone call restating PBL
01/31/09 Planned brief contact
02/15/09 Delivery of Planned 2nd PBL
Filed for D Dec 2009 Recovering well!
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 Originally Posted By: believer
Plan B is so difficult at first, and it is hard to post to get help because in a good one, nothing is happening re the WS.


Oh, this is so true. I wanted to have someone to talk to, but I really had nothing to talk about...haha except my own mental state and that was borderline insane.


You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else.

I pity the fool. - Mr. T
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notable post Kayla

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Thank you Kayla for this!!!!

I feel that I am doing very well in PB. But....I have recently been questioning my M. I always have felt that I did a good job being a husband and father. We were very happy as a family and as a couple.

Then one day....my WW spewed alot of bad stuff about me and our M and simply walked out.

My problem is that at this point she will not admit that she is having an A. She "thinks" that she simply was done with our M, met someone a couple months before she left, and moved on. In her mind she has done NOTHING wrong.

So.....thanks for clearing up a little of my fog!!


Me 48 XWAW 42 M 18Y
D day 9/14/08
Plan A&B for months
One false R
DS12 (my life)
DD23
D Final 5-14-09

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Thanks so much Kayla,

I'll need to think about the defining myself one.

Og Mandino books are absolutely awesome.
The Greatest Miracle in the World
The Greatest Secret in the World
The Choice
A Better Way to Live
The Return of the Ragpicker

The Magic of Thinking Big, by David Schwartz

Let me keep looking......

I think this is going to be an awesome thread for those of us choosing to be in Plan B and learning a new way to live and recover....


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Ok, here are some more awesome books that I have read, albeit years ago and could use to read them again.

Being Happy by Andrew Matthews
Confidence and Power in Dealing with Others, Jusuf Hariman
Hung by the Tongue, Francis Martin
How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, Dale Carnagie (Mimi's recommendation)
How to Make Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnagie - EVERYONE in LIFE should read this.
Magic of Believing, Claude Bristol
You Can if you Think you Can, Norman Vincent Peale
Tough Times Don't Last - Tough People Do, Robert Schuller

Actually almost all Robert Schuller books are good...

Ok, that's all for now....

Last edited by QueeniesNewLife; 12/12/08 01:30 PM.

BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Kayla Andy, thanks for this post. You are so right.
I'm one of those deep in Plan B at the moment (started over 5 weeks ago) and I just wanted to discuss further what one of the major advantages of PB has been for me. When you are in Plan A, it's so easy to be influenced by the fog you live with, the WS manages to influence you and make you question your perspective. Before I discovered the A, I knew things were going very wrong between us but he kept telling me that I was paranoid, that I was imagining things, that it was all in my head and I almost believed him. I believed I was going crazy so that it was almost a relief to discover that my anxieties had a real origin that had nothing do do with me.

Later in Plan A, he still tried to push his foggy logic on to me by saying that it was all my fault, that the M was already on the way down due to 'heavy' conversations that I kept imposing on him. (Ironically those conversations were mostly to try to sort out the drift that had come between us.)

Since I've been in Plan B it's as if I see things much more clearly, as if his fog had leaked over and blurred my own vision while I was in Plan A. Now I can see where my boundaries are and see his actions and words for what they really are. I can see how they impacted on my LB and how I need to preserve that by staying dark. It's not that I don't have my moments of doubt, I do, but yet I feel sure in my gut that I am doing the right thing.

The other advantage of holding firm in Plan B is that the WS is forced to make a decision one way or the other and this is something that a cake-eater doesn't want to do. They want to keep both doors open but a Plan B shows them that they have to close one door fully in order to be able to walk through the other one. The problem with my WH is that I feel he may wait and wait until both doors are slammed in his face.

Sorry for rambling on there but it's good to talk about this. Thank God for this forum!

As for recommending a book, I recently read 'Do Good Lives Have to Cost the Earth?' a series of essays edited by Andrew Simms and it helped me to put my own life and happiness into perspective within the larger framework of the world we live in.


Courage is the most important of all the virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently. You can practice any virtue erratically, but nothing consistently without courage.
Maya Angelou
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I read a very good review today of that thought-provoking book. The reviewer related her personal experience of downsizing certain material aspects of her life and discovering great benefits through environmentalism, without feeling impoverished. I'm inspired to read the essays and try some of the suggestions.

I'm not in Plan B but I'll lurk on this mind-enriching thread. The MB forums can improve life in so many ways!


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His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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As I've posted before, I got very busy in Plan B - I started my own business, started a garden, detailed the car, cleaned the house spotless, organized, tossed out junk, volunteered, and let all of my friends know that I was interested in going out and doing things.

I asked for help. Two of my friends came over and we redid my sun room in an oriental style. We painted, put in pictures and knick-knacks that they dug up somewhere, and it cost less than $25.00. It made me feel sooooooooo good.

Oh, and I feng-shei'd my home. Lots of FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Thanks KaylaAndy for your dedication to help us all discover and re-discover the greatness within. I love being inspired by other posts too and I found this amazing quote by Strivin4Better and have it written in my "Freedom" journal.

 Originally Posted By: Stivin4better
It's a choice to be free from the past. It's a choice to change your thinking. A choice to reclaim what we've given away. A choice to empower yourself to move forward in the right direction for you and no one else. A choice to love yourself more than anyone on this earth. Why - because you deserve it. To love yourself more than your kids too because it's in loving ourselves that we learn to love others to the BEST of our ability - we always talk about getting the best - well - it starts within first.


I am living a day at a time and when people ask what I'm doing for Christmas, I can't really tell them yet. I know it will be a small family event but I am not thinking about it yet. Part of me still hopes a better H is home with us for Christmas, but with each plan B day that passes, I'm remembering the person that I used to be and how happy I was when I met my H. If I can reclaim a piece of that each day, I'm going to be a lot happier at Christmas, with H or not, and really happy after a week, then a month...

I'm going to get started on some inspirational reading and keep popping in to the cafe too. Thanks KA!


BS 32 (1st marriage), WH 38 (2nd marriage), DD 3, DS 1
Married Aug 2002, EA/PA 2005, NC mid 2005
EA Jun 2008, Plan A, 1 Aug 2008, WH moved out 14 Sep 08, D-Day 14 Sep 08, Moved home 2 Nov 08, moved out 30 Nov 08
Plan B, 2 Dec 08, broken 5, 11, 15 & 17 Dec 08
Current Status: Contact for visitation, children and finances.
Embarking on a new plan to Let go and Let God and to not settle for less than I deserve!
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Speaking of Christmas and Chanukah, I hope those in Plan B will celebrate this year and make it a special season.

I know it is harder if you have children.

I have no money because I was suspended from work for 2 weeks, but my sons and I are going to make it a wonderful experience. I've got them both at home this year and we are going to do all of the free things of the season. Also we are going to donate any money we would have spent to those less fortunate.

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Absolutely, Believer! I usually handle the holiday "stuff" so it isn't a stretch for me to take on all the "little things" that make the holiday special (lights; the tree is up, although smaller because I had to do it on my own; lots of greenery; etc). I also got the Christmas shopping done for the kids, but this year, I really tried to stick to their lists only and have let them know there will just be less stuff this year (they seem ok with it).
I have also given myself permission to not worry about gifts for anyone other than my kids this year. I will make my fabulous cookies for people, but no personalized gifts. I just don't have it in me to give that singular attention. I think people will understand...
On the other hand, I have made a conscious effort to give more when I tip; donate money even if it means I go without and look for other ways to give even when its not "easy."
I'm really looking at one of the LB my WH did mention -- me always finding money for my needs, even though it might be tight as a family. So I also sent him the totals of what I spent on the kids for Christmas so he is fully informed. Just because I'm in B doesn't mean I need to love bust, right?
But I absolutely agree with Believer -- enjoy this season of good will and lights and let it remind us all of the beauty in others. WS's tend to make us forget what wonderful people are out there. I for one want to keep reminding myself and what a better time of year?
BF439


Me:BS40
WXH:42
DD15; DS13; DD6
D-day:6/30/08 & 10/25/08
WH moved out 9/15/08
D: 1/15/10

"So take that look out of here, it doesn't fit you, because it's happened, doesn't mean you've been discarded." -- Big Country from "In a Big Country."
"Keep calm and carry on." -- Winston Churchill
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 Quote:
Speaking of Christmas and Chanukah
Thank you, Believer...

I used to need money to make me happy. All I NEED is money to pay my bills, have food on the table, and cable around so my boys will stay around and watch tv with me.

I absolutely cherish the moments I have with my kids and just let the rest be the rest....

How is your mother doing? Do you know if she got snow?


BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Great post Kayla,

I'm in Plan B and I've been there since May. One of the things plan B is supposed to do for the BS is separate them from the uglyness and pain of the affair. In SAA they even suggest moving away so that the affair isn't in your face all the time.

In my situation my WW moved so close to my house that I have to go out of my way to avoid her. The only thing that would have been closer would be if she would have moved in next door. Because she has been so close to home it's been difficult for me not to dwell on my situation.

But recently I think I had a breakthrough. I was really depressed. But I'm feeling much better just in the last few days.

The book I'm reading right now is Hope for the Separated. Wounded Marriages Can be Healed. By Gary Chapman.
ISBN-10: 0802436390

Amazon.com Hope for the Separated

My sister gave it to me in March but I didn't start reading it until now. And quite honestly I probably wasn't in a place emotionally or mentally to read this book. I was too hurt.

But... it's a good book I'd reccomend it.
I've been going to a divorce care group at church. when you sign up for the course it comes with a workbook. They also have their own web page with a bookstore that has some awsome reccomended reading. And... (Get to the point) I signed up for their daily emails. Great stuff... in each daily email they reccomend a book from their library. http://www.divorcecare.org/

I've got a short list of books I want to read just from their daily emails.

Here's a few...

Separated and Waiting. by Jan Northington.
Recovering from Losses in Life. by H. Norman Wright.
When the Vow Breaks: A Survival and Recovery Guide for Christians Facing Divorce. By Kniskern, Joseph Warren

And this next one looks really interesting just because of the insight into the wayward mind.

Confessions of an Adulterous Christian Woman: Lies That Got Me There: Truths That Brought Me Back. by Holtz, Lyndell Hetrick

Anyone read any of those?

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Queenie - No, no snow where my mom lives. But my sis lives on Camano Island and there is some snow there.

Mom is doing fine. She is feeling good. She is in remission and it might not last very long. The plan is for me to go up there and care for her.

I feel blessed because both of my sons are here. We are going to have a low cost holiday.

There are so many hurting people.

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Believer,

You have the right attitude. You seem to be practicing what the Apostle Paul said about contentment. It takes a strong and wise person to be content in difficult times. I'll be thinking about you and praying for you this Christmas season.

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Thanks, Amazin. I am content with what I DO have.

Hope things are going well with you.

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