Bookstore | Courses, Seminar and Accountability | Videos | Coaching Center | Questionnaires | Marriage Builders® Radio | Radio Archive
   Home | Tax-deductible Donation | Site Tour | Meet Dr. Harley | Basic Concepts | Q&A Columns | Articles | Discussion Forum

Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.

If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.

The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.

We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.

Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail Denali at MBDenali@gmail.com

Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
husband saw sister-in-law naked! #2184060
12/30/08 12:26 AM
12/30/08 12:26 AM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
A
annabell7 Offline OP
Junior Member
annabell7  Offline OP
Junior Member
A
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
My husband knowingly walked in the room I had just asked him to wait outside of because my sister-in-law was naked after just having given birth. When I noticed he was in the room, I asked him to leave but he refused saying my brother said it was OK. (He and my sister-in-law are both in the medical field and do not think much of seeing the human body.) I feel like he cheated on me right before my eyes! I do not know how we can ever be in the same room with my sister-in-law again knowing my husband has seen her naked. I feel so betrayed. I just lost my Dad and have very little family left. Any advice?

Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: annabell7] #2184066
12/30/08 12:38 AM
12/30/08 12:38 AM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Sydney, Australia
B
bigkahuna Offline
Member
bigkahuna  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Sydney, Australia
I think you're way over-reacting.

Do you suspect your husband of an affair with his SIL?

There has to be more to this story you aren't telling us...


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: annabell7] #2184069
12/30/08 12:43 AM
12/30/08 12:43 AM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383
A
aussieswife Offline
Member
aussieswife  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383
annabell7 has there been any affair history with your H? or you?

Emotional or Physical affair doesn't matter either... cheating is cheating

A bit more back ground would help immensely so as to give posters an idea of the situation and how this incident fits into the scheme of things and enable yo to receive advice relevant to the issues

\:\)


Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.

Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: bigkahuna] #2184071
12/30/08 12:46 AM
12/30/08 12:46 AM
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
New Zealand
L
lildoggie Offline
Member
lildoggie  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 4,698
New Zealand
 Originally Posted By: bigkahuna
I think you're way over-reacting.

Do you suspect your husband of an affair with his SIL?

There has to be more to this story you aren't telling us...


Rather my thoughts too.

More info would be good


Recovered marriage, recovering self, life gets better everyday laugh
Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: bigkahuna] #2184073
12/30/08 12:48 AM
12/30/08 12:48 AM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
A
annabell7 Offline OP
Junior Member
annabell7  Offline OP
Junior Member
A
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
No - I do not suspect my husband of having an affair with my sister-in-law or anyone else but he did cheat on me twice since we have been together. Also, he is addicted to porn. He has been in recovery for some time, even going to a support group but anytime there is a scantily clad woman around, I get very nervous and wonder what he is thinking about?

Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: annabell7] #2184075
12/30/08 12:50 AM
12/30/08 12:50 AM
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Sydney, Australia
B
bigkahuna Offline
Member
bigkahuna  Offline
Member
B
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Sydney, Australia
 Originally Posted By: annabell7
No - I do not suspect my husband of having an affair with my sister-in-law or anyone else but he did cheat on me twice since we have been together. Also, he is addicted to porn. He has been in recovery for some time, even going to a support group but anytime there is a scantily clad woman around, I get very nervous and wonder what he is thinking about?


You sought out and posted on an infidelity web forum though.

How long since your Husband's affairs?


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: aussieswife] #2184076
12/30/08 12:51 AM
12/30/08 12:51 AM
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928
L
Lady_Clueless Offline
Member
Lady_Clueless  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2001
Posts: 1,928
Well, speaking from experience, a woman's body is not exactly is not exactly taut and in its best shape immediately after giving birth.

That said, I do think it was extremely disrespectful of your H to barge in after being asked to wait outside. It doesn't matter if your brother told him it was OK; and, if your brother did tell him this, your brother doesn't have much respect for his own wife and her privacy.

I would probably be ticked off, too, but not thinking of it as being cheating...unless, of course, your H has a prior history of cheating or being some kind of voyeur. I would be ticked off over the lack of respect he showed.


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: aussieswife] #2184078
12/30/08 12:52 AM
12/30/08 12:52 AM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
A
annabell7 Offline OP
Junior Member
annabell7  Offline OP
Junior Member
A
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
My husband is a recovering sex addict. He can not be in situations where women are dresses provocatively (let alone naked). I am always having to be on the look out for things, if he sees an image, it stays in his mind for weeks. We do not go to public pools, dance clubs, etc & we have a filter on our computer. I asked my husband to wait outside the room because my sister-in-law was naked but he just walked right in anyway. Then when I told him how uncomfortable the situation made me, he actually yelled at me.

Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: bigkahuna] #2184080
12/30/08 12:53 AM
12/30/08 12:53 AM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
A
annabell7 Offline OP
Junior Member
annabell7  Offline OP
Junior Member
A
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
There was no- my husband saw my sister-in-law naked forum , and anyway I do consider what he did cheating.

He cheated on me 16 yrs ago but this situation has brought back all the old feelings of worthlessness.

Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: Lady_Clueless] #2184082
12/30/08 12:57 AM
12/30/08 12:57 AM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
A
annabell7 Offline OP
Junior Member
annabell7  Offline OP
Junior Member
A
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
that's just it- my husband is a sex addict. He reacts differently when put in situations like this. I have to worry whenever there is a improperly dresses woman around and now I can't even be in the same room with my sister-in-law for fear my husband is picturing her naked.

He was going to meetings but hasn't for awhile. I think this may be why he slipped - in a big way!

Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: annabell7] #2184083
12/30/08 12:59 AM
12/30/08 12:59 AM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
K
KaylaAndy Offline
Member
KaylaAndy  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
Surrender your need to police your husband in his addiction.

I would have simply left with the car and let him find his own way home from the hospital, given the porn addiction and disrespect of your request.

Once home, I would have packed his things and moved him out of the master bedroom, with a note that says, "respect me and respect that I'm not going to stand by while you play out your addiction in front of me - I'm headed to 90 meetings in 90 days; you are welcome to join me or not, but it will let me know where our marriage stands compared to what you did by disrespecting my request at the hospital."

When was the last time you went to an S-Anon meeting?


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: KaylaAndy] #2184085
12/30/08 01:08 AM
12/30/08 01:08 AM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
A
annabell7 Offline OP
Junior Member
annabell7  Offline OP
Junior Member
A
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
I can not stop the obsession to police my husband, as you say. I love my husband so very much and I want more than anything for this marriage to work. I am a fairly attractive woman but I keep thinking at any time he is going to find someone more attractive and leave.

My husband was attending men's integrity groups weekly through our church but hasn't gone in 4 mo.

Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: annabell7] #2184087
12/30/08 01:15 AM
12/30/08 01:15 AM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
K
KaylaAndy Offline
Member
KaylaAndy  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
Then why are you posting here?

You know the answer - you say you cannot stop the obsession? Then you are as powerless over the addiction TO HIM as he is to porn and your life has become unmanageable - you have to start somewhere.

If you don't want to take that first step and surrender the obsession - and take the second step - then all you want is the drama that being married to a sex addict can provide.

I know.

I'm married to a sex addict.

In recovery? Most of the time.

Massage therapist. Knows what happens LEGALLY if he crosses the line - and I won't bail him out. He never has crossed those lines. And he won't work on women who want him to.

That's right - you read right.

I'm not obsessed with my husband's addiction.

I surrendered that many years ago.

My own sanity and my own worth of what I bring to this marriage lets me know that I can walk away easier than he can. And I'm worth NOT walking away from.

I'm 100 pounds overweight. I'm not worried about what he sees or doesn't see, what he touches and doesn't touch.

You want recovery? Pay attention to what you are paying attention to and why.

And put that in perspective.

Because your reaction at the hospital says more about YOU than it says about him.

He can make it out like your obsessed and over-reacting.

And he's right because you're not sober or in recovery for yourself.

You're an anon.

And if you want serenity you're going to have to turn him over to a power greater than yourself because you can't make him stop.

Nothing you can do can make him stop.

And the more you try, the more you get in God's way.

Think about it.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: KaylaAndy] #2184093
12/30/08 01:37 AM
12/30/08 01:37 AM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
A
annabell7 Offline OP
Junior Member
annabell7  Offline OP
Junior Member
A
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
I agree with most of what you say. But my husbands addiction puts me in a bad place. He has me look through magazines before he does, pick out the movies we see, hold the remote when we watch TV (for fast necessary channel changes), make sure the computer is filtering everything properly, etc

When I see a "real life" situation like one of many women who show too much cleavage or expose their G-sting panties in public - how am I supposed to ignore it??? It makes me crazy.

We live in a somewhat wealthy area and the women hear go to no ends to look perfect - and flaunt their perfection.

I have not had all the procedures most women have had (breast enlargement, tummy tuck, etc)in this area but if I had the money and wasn't such a baby - I would, just so I could compete.

Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: annabell7] #2184097
12/30/08 01:46 AM
12/30/08 01:46 AM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
jayne241 Offline
Member
jayne241  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
Hmmm, my first reaction is to agree with BigK... if he's a physician, are you jealous of his female patients?

But then I read this:

 Quote:
My husband is a recovering sex addict. He can not be in situations where women are dresses provocatively (let alone naked).


and my gut reaction is to say, *WHAT*????? AND HE'S ALLOWED AROUND PATIENTS?????

Please tell me he's an ENT... nope, they listen to your chest... a podiatrist... never mind, there are folks with foot fetishes... a proctologist? They mostly see men, right?

Does he see women patients? Are they ever in less than street clothing? Are they ever sedated?


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: jayne241] #2184098
12/30/08 01:52 AM
12/30/08 01:52 AM
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
A
annabell7 Offline OP
Junior Member
annabell7  Offline OP
Junior Member
A
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 10
you miss understood, LOL. My brother is in the medical field - he told my husband to come in the room with his naked wife. He BTW does not know of my husbands condition.

Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: annabell7] #2184101
12/30/08 02:00 AM
12/30/08 02:00 AM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
jayne241 Offline
Member
jayne241  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
Ooooohhhhhh...

Well I have to say that I understand some people being lax about nudity, especially in the medical field... after several months in a teaching hospital with a gaping wound down my belly, I no longer had any modesty. "C'mon in! Take a gander! Poke, prod, discuss amongst yourselves!" LOL And my H was almost always right there in the room. Well, of course not during surgery... or CT scans... but usually.

But if your H isn't in the medical field, that's different... yes he should've honored your wishes... but I still agree with BigK and Kayla. Them's purty smart folkses.

How did your SIL feel about it?

(I did feel like I was cheating on my H when I had to see an emergency OB/GYN who was a guy. I asked H if he was ok with it, since I was traveling and H wouldn't be there. Probably silly of me though. )

Last edited by jayne241; 12/30/08 02:03 AM. Reason: to add more thoughts

me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: annabell7] #2184103
12/30/08 02:08 AM
12/30/08 02:08 AM
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383
A
aussieswife Offline
Member
aussieswife  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,383
KaylaAndy has given you the BEST and perhaps only workable answer here.

Your H is an addict... it needs to be treated as any other addiction ... it means YOU cannot continue to be his policeman if you want improvement ... hasn't worked yet has it?

Listen to experience annabell7 .... you don't have an easy way out of this so do it the right way .... your H should be back in treatment as well... however you can't make him do that



Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.

Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: annabell7] #2184105
12/30/08 02:10 AM
12/30/08 02:10 AM
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,553
V
Verve Offline
Member
Verve  Offline
Member
V
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,553
 Originally Posted By: annabell7
I agree with most of what you say. But my husbands addiction puts me in a bad place. He has me look through magazines before he does, pick out the movies we see, hold the remote when we watch TV (for fast necessary channel changes), make sure the computer is filtering everything properly, etc


It's like your his mother and he is using you to filter out all the "bad" stuff instead of relying on himself. This seems odd to me, but, please, if I am wrong and that is what she should be doing, someone please correct me.
It's like he is giving you all of this power, but making you crazy because of it. He has to be able to deal with his addictions himself, right? I understand leaning on your spouse during a trying time, but this seems so intense.

Maybe I'm wrong.


You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else.

I pity the fool. - Mr. T
Re: husband saw sister-in-law naked! [Re: Verve] #2184107
12/30/08 02:18 AM
12/30/08 02:18 AM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
J
jayne241 Offline
Member
jayne241  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
Isn't there a group like AlAnon for loved ones?


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 


Marriage Builders®
Radio

FREE
BROADCAST
Marriage Builders®
Radio

Live Program
12:00-12:45pm CT
Monday-Friday


Rebroadcast

Every 45 Minutes
until the
Next Broadcast


All times Central Time.

DOWNLOAD MP3 FILES NOW!

More radio information...


Click here for
iPhone

Click here for
ANDROID

Most Popular Links
* The Marriage Builders? Discussion Forum
* How to Survive Infidelity
* The Most Important Emotional Needs
* Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
* Coping with Infidelity:
Part 1 - How Do Affairs Begin?
* A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts
* Love Busters
* The Emotional Needs Questionnaire
* Q&A Columns
* The Policy of Joint Agreement

Who's Online Now
7 registered members (NOMO, NewEveryDay, 5 invisible), 20 guests, and 376 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod

   Home | Tax-deductible Donation | Site Tour | Meet Dr. Harley | Basic Concepts | Q&A Columns | Articles | Discussion Forum
Bookstore | Courses, Seminar and Accountability | Videos | Coaching Center | Questionnaires | Marriage Builders® Radio | Radio Archive
|  Advertising  |  Feedback  |  Privacy Policy  |  Contact Us  |
© 1995-2018 Marriage Builders, Inc. All rights reserved.

Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.6.1.1
(Release build 20180111)
Page Time: 0.017s Queries: 15 (0.006s) Memory: 1.1675 MB (Peak: 1.4210 MB) Zlib enabled. Server Time: 2018-04-26 13:41:20 UTC