Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 48 1 2 3 47 48
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Background:

I'm in the military and my wife and I have been married for 6 + Years. We were both married before and have a blended family. She has 2 kids 16 & 20. I have 3 kids 14 16 and 17. Only 2 of my kids and one of hers live with us.

My Situation:

My wife and I have been miserable for some time now. She is an alcoholic but has been sober and attending AA meetings for about 3 months now. Recently it became very bad with her not being home at all. And on some weekends she would stay out all night claiming that she was staying with her sponsor. I finally asked her around the 12th of December "If your so miserable why are you staying with me?" Her response was " I can’t stay sober and live in this house. I have an apartment and I'm moving out after the first of the year." At first I felt this was the best thing for both of us. But after a couple of days I began to feel that this was wrong. I love my wife but we just don't know how to meet each other’s needs. I began to become depressed about the whole thing.

I asked her "when are you planning on moving out?" but she wouldn't tell me. I asked her where her apartment was and she wouldn't tell me.

We talked and I explained that I didn't want a nasty divorce. She said she just needs to do this for her and that after 6 months of separation we would see how we felt and go from there. I asked her if she was planning on seeing other people and she said no. I asked her if she was having and affair and she said no…

We told the kids the day after Christmas that we were separating. Two of them took it pretty hard.

By chance I found out where her apartment was. (2 minutes driving time from our house) I didn't tell her I knew where it was.

I awoke at 2:30 AM the Saturday after Christmas. I couldn't sleep so I went for a drive. In the next town over I saw her car. I got a large cup of coffee and a pair binoculars and watched. At 8:30 AM her boyfriend came out to her car and got something then went back into his apartment. 45 minutes later they both came out, he put her in the passenger seat and gave her a kiss then got in the drivers seat and drove away. I was devastated... but this isn't the first time I've caught her. I literally dragged her out of another mans house wearing his underwear and T-shirt on our wedding anniversary about a year and a half ago.

I didn't confront her about it and she doesn't know that I saw them. I kept my cool and didn't let on that I knew anything.

She moved out on the 5th of January and took her 16 Y.O. daughter with her. She is still seeing this guy. And I'm sure she has taken her daughter to his apartment. I believe they met at an AA meeting. My wife is in a rotten situation. I feel that the very people who are supposed to be helping her are taking advantage of her when she is vulnerable.

She doesn't know I know anything... where she lives... that she's cheating…where he lives…his name… etc

Her EX …(Never Married but is the father of her daughter) claimed that she was having an affair when they were together. He made sure the daughter knew about it and I believe she is very sensitive to the situation. My wife said she was seeing another man… but only after she left her EX. (He said/she said) The other man was married and she was the other woman. I know my step-daughter has been to this mans apartment with my wife…I’m pretty sure she knows what’s going on. My kids don’t know yet…

I think this is an addictive pattern of hers that has continued throughout our marriage. I have always felt that it was never just me and my wife in this relationship. She has always seemed to have a “safety net”. A male companion that she could run to in the event that our marriage didn’t work out. I don’t think she ever made a total commitment to me, only a half-hearted one. I think it’s a trust issue with her and she has admitted having issues with trust.

HELP:

I need feedback, advice and support... Like I said, I love my wife and want to save our marriage.

Is this woman capable of being in a truly committed, loving, trusting, and fulfilling relationship?
Does this really work?
How many of you have been successful at bringing a wayward spouse back?
Should I hire a P.I. to document her infidelity for my peace of mind and legal protection? (P.I. is about $3800)
What should I do next? Confront her with the adultery and go to plan A or wait to get proof from a P.I. and then go to plan A?
I've heard that plan A doesn't work with alcoholics. Should I let her work out her alcoholic issues then confront her and start plan A?

I'm open to any help or suggestions on how to save my marriage.


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Hey C_G,

Quote
Is this woman capable of being in a truly committed, loving, trusting, and fulfilling relationship?

Based on what you've shared with us, and your W's current state of mind, no. I don't think that right now she is. With proper counseling, abstinence from alcohol, and lots of hard work by BOTH of you, I do think that you can rebuild your M if that is HER desire and YOUR desire...

Quote
Does this really work?

I'm assuming that you are asking if MB 'really works'... Yes, it does work... but it doesn't always result in a rebuilt M. Many couples M's end in divorce, but the ones that follow the MB plan are better prepared to rebuild their life and move on to newer relationships.

Quote
Should I hire a P.I. to document her infidelity for my peace of mind and legal protection? (P.I. is about $3800)

I would do whatever I needed to do to protect my family in case you end up in divorce court... the cost of a PI is small when compaired to providing alimony and C/S plus 1/2 of your retirement pay.

Quote
What should I do next?

Let me ask this question... What do YOU want??? If you want to rebuild your M, the first step is to end the A. You need to expose the A to as many people that have a postive impact on your W and the OM as possible... once the A has ended, you should see if there is any way that you can get another assignment and move your family AWAY from this OM. Then get your W into an AA program to address the alcohol issues.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
RIF,
Thanks for all the imput. Are you an active duty Marine?

I love my wife and want to save our marriage.

My wife has an extreamly volitile streak. She can go from zero to pissed in 5 seconds...Before I found out about the affair I called her brother and told him about our split(even though I knew she didn't want me talking to him)... When my wife found out she went nuts... she stole my cell phone and wouldn't give it back...

If I expose the affair to her family she will be LIVID... I'm pretty sure it will drive her further away from me and further into the OM arms...


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Quote
If I expose the affair to her family she will be LIVID... I'm pretty sure it will drive her further away from me and further into the OM arms...


Ummm... she's already with the OM. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Of course she's going to be angry! You're exposing the A and "ruining" her "fun". Remember, you don't expose in order to punish the WS... you expose the A to bring the A to an end.

If you want a chance to rebuild your M, you need to expose the A and not worry about how "mad" she gets... she WILL get mad! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Semper Fi,

RIF

PS - I'm a former Marine, now I'm an Army Reservist...


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
I think what I need to do is confront her first and see how she reacts... depending on her reaction and her openess to plan A is going to dictate who else I tell about the affair...

Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
I wouldn't give her ANY opportunity to "spin" her actions...

You already know that she's going to blow up when you expose the A... if you discuss or try to 'negotiate' exposure, she will beat you to the punch and tell everyone that you are loony and just making up stories...

You'll be in a classic "she-said/he-said" scenario and guess who's going to "win" this one?

Semper Fi,

RIF

PS - When Mrs. RIF was involved in her A's, I did NOT expose... my advice is based on hind-sight, and from seeing the effects of other's well-planned and executed exposure. A well-planned and executed exposure will give you the BEST chance of ENDING THE AFFAIR...


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
OK... So a calculated well planned approach to exposing the affiar is what has worked best for other people?

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
Yes CG

YOUR best tool is exposure. You expose to anyone who has influence with your WW. You expose also to the OMW. You don't tell her you are going to do this. Just do it in one big swoop.

She will be mad. She will tell you that she can never trust you again. That you have ruined any chance for recovery. Not true. Let her words roll off of you. You are in a battle to save your M. THAT is your goal. Your M can survive her anger, it cannot survive her A.

Stay calm. Expect this explosion after your exposing. This is normal.


BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
Have you read this site? Learned about Plan A and B?

I suggest buying Surviving an Affair. It can be purchased from this site.

Stopping the A is the first step. Your ONLY tool is exposure. You don't expose to just anyone. Just the ones who can exert some influence over her. A's don't look pretty in the light of day.

Big thing is to expose to the OMW.

Last edited by MicheleG; 01/14/08 08:01 AM.

BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Yes... I'm sure that there will be more posters with first hand experience that can help you...

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 10,044
Your wife is a serial cheater that would be better left behind. You most likely do not even know of a fraction of the number of affairs she has likely had.

I would STRONGLY suggest fighting for sole custody of your children and hiring yourself a bulldog attorney that specializes in fathers rights. Your wife is a danger to your children with her drinking and promiscuity.

I know you say you love her...but really, what is there to love. I think what happens a lot is people love the person that they have imagined in their mind and not the actual person in front of them. What is there to love about a woman that would abandon her family and go shack up with another man..she has most likely been a cheater your whole marriage.

If you really want this to work out, I would suggest the call to the lawyer FIRST...and to the Harley's second. It is your primary job as a parent to protect your children against all harm...including their mother if need be.

I am sorry that you find yourself in such a bad place and wish you all the best.

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 8,970
CG,

May I strongly suggest you go to Al-Anon meetings, as well? Informing her sponsor of the A is also advisable...AA does not advise beginning any sort of relationship within your first year of sobriety and NEVER adultery...they know the pitfalls and likelihood of trading one addiction for another...so they may help you if you expose.

Exposure is living in truth, CG...where you want to live most when your WS is handing you lies. An act of love for your marriage.

LA

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Michele,
Thanks for your reply.

Got it... exposure is the only tool... I'm not sure but I don't think the OM has a wife... I plan on being organized and well prepared when I do it...

I orderd Surviving and Affair last night. Along with a couple of other books...

CG

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Quote
Is this woman capable of being in a truly committed, loving, trusting, and fulfilling relationship?


probably not

she has not 'hit bottom'

and she may very well be a 'low bottom drunk'

meaning - must lose EVERYTHING before she decides to turn herself around

but I think you asked the wrong questions

Is this woman a good influence on your children?

Even if they are young adults, you owe it to them to keep home chaotic-free .... as much as possible

she is not ready to be a decent loving step mom to your kids

cut her lose until she is

my opinion - free for you

Pep

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Everyday...
Thanks for the feedback...

You're right she is a serial cheater... weather or not she has had sex is irrelevant in my opinion... if she was going outside of the marriage to fulfill any of her needs then she's cheating...She needs this more than me... I'll be O.K. regardless... That's one of the reasons I want to try...this may be end up being the best thing that happens to her and I if I can make it work (Turning lemons into lemonade if ya know what I mean) ...sometimes the ones that have fallen the farthest have the most to gain...

I have a great attorney...this ain't my first time to the rodeo... custody isn't an issue, she has her kids and I have mine but we don't have any together. If we do divorce my goal is not letting her get one red cent of my military retirement. And I already have a pretty good strategy for that.

How would I call the Harley's? Is it expensive?

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Thanks Pep...

Well I think she has some good qualities as a mother... but being paitent and flexable is'nt one of them...

When you say "cut her loose until she is" do you mean give up on her? or go with a plan B approach?


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
I'm set to meet the PI today... It's expensive ($3900 for 20 hours of work) but he did say that most people need twice as many hours because they just suspect and dont know for sure.... in that scenario the PI's usually have to do all of the footwork to find out who the other person is...

MicheleG... I read your story... You used a PI... any advice?

Anyone else have any advice?

Since I cant sleep... I'm up at weird hours... I drove by her APT EARLY this morning... It's obvious he slept there last night...his car is still there... And what a looser...He's about 45... overweight and UGLY...drives a 1988 chrysler lebaraon with the back window taped up...

She either...

Doesn't care that I know...

Thinks I'm realy dumb...

Or its a cry for help... and I say this because... If you were planning on having an affair why would you get an apartment 2 minutes from my house on a road that I HAVE to use every day?

Can you say...S-T-U-P-I-D....

Thanks for all the support...


BH, 46
STBXWW, 41, Serial Cheater
D-Day #1 5-26-2006 (Our Wedding Aniversary)
D-Day #2 12-26-2007
D-Day #3 5-11-2008
Separated 1-5-2008
STBX filed for divorce March 2009
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
R
RIF Offline
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 6,087
Morning C_G,

WS typically don't "think"... they are just interested in getting their needs met no matter what the cost.

I think that the PI route is a good call especially if you are concerned about preserving your military retirement.

Semper Fi,

RIF


Me, BS

Her, Forgiven

Married Dec 86

Multiple A's that ended '90

Rebuilding In Faith since then...

Currently deployed to Iraq, but TEXAS is Home!
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
A
Amazin Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,541
Thanks RIF,

Stay safe over there...

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
CG

When I hired the PI, I still was in denial. I needed proof for my own sake and I thought that my FWH would not confess to me unless the proof was there. Also, in case he was headed out the door for good, I wanted to make sure I would be legally ok.

The type of evidence they got for me was pretty surface stuff. They had a picture of them holding hands and they had followed him a whole week going to her house. They didn't get pictures or hard evidence of them doing it, etc. Though they could literally see the boat rocking. So just make sure you are clear in what you expect them to obtain. Being that you are trying to protect your retirement, you may NEED something more. Don't know. It just sounded like you are convinced and are not in denial about your W's A. So what evidence do you NEED them to get? What will be enough?


BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
Page 1 of 48 1 2 3 47 48

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5