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#2200252 01/26/09 05:53 PM
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SadSoSad's husband here. Just wanted to check in. I spent a couple of days in the hospital after finally dumping all my secrets and "coming clean" followed by a nervous breakdown. I have been lying and hiding secrets all my life and using my intellect as a cover and a shield. I never had imagined that I could ever completely short circuit, but that is what happened after puking out everything and finally admitting to myself and spouse the deepest secrets and sad story of my adult life and compulsive sordid behavior. Most here are well aware of this story. I am now on an antidepressant med, have my first appointment with Dr. Harley by phone tomorrow and also my first appointment with a psychiatrist later tomorrow afternoon, in what will no doubt be a long journey. This is not really a question, but just a big thank you to all who have helped SadSoSad and who have offered advice and help to me during the days before my bottom recently. Those who I initially thought were being unhelpful have turned out to be the most helpful and kind of all, and I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. Those who expressed tremendous anger at me on my initial thread, which is now locked, were not being inappropriate, and I understand that everyone here has been on their own difficult journey. Mine and SadSoSad's journey is just beginning. Please wish us well. I don't know what will happen, but whatever does, it will not be for a lack of trying. If we succeed, maybe this will be an inspiration to others. Any advice to me or to us at this point will be most welcome.


FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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I wish you both well. This is just the beginning of the roller coaster ride for SSS.


Faith

me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
DS 30
DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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Glad to see you back home. I think the Mrs said that the anti-D's make you feel odd. That is very normal, and your body should adjust in about 2 weeks.

I don't take any meds, and when I did take the anti-D's for a year, I felt very strange for the first couple of weeks, kind of drugged and out of it.

I think the two of you are going to be just fine. It will take a bit of work, but you seem to get that.

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Thank You, FF. We are ready and have no illusions.


FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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Glad to see you are home. Let us know what Steve Harley has to say.

Are you in good enough shape to start tackling the list of things that were recommended??? (poly, post nup, EPs)

Still praying for you and your wife. Just remember to put one foot in front of the other.

BTW, how was craft time? I had the pleasure of experiencing craft time many years back, 26 years ago to be exact, under a little different circumstances, but I have been there.





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Yes, I feel drugged and kind of odd and flat. Apparently, I will be on them 6-9 months. Thank you for the encouragement. I feel very lucky in this economy to be able to have access to Dr. Harley and afford the MB telephone consultations and weekend in March and also the psychiatrist. A much greater social safety net is needed for people.

It was particularly odd to be in the mental unit and not even be able to leave, even though it was a voluntary admit. Talk about a controlled environment! The other patients were so sad ( I am sure they probably thought that about me). No one knows a real bottom until experiencing that. It was just like in the movies. In the Arts and Crafts session I painted a sunflower ceramic, and it will be on our wall and serve as a permanent reminder and an inspiration. (Actually, it is pretty cute. LOL.)


FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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Hi, TST. I am ready to tackle that. The sedative effect of the medication is less today, and we are making steady plans for the full program.

Funny, I mentioned the crafts project in the previous post before I even read yours


FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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 Originally Posted By: GreenMile
In the Arts and Crafts session I painted a sunflower ceramic, and it will be on our wall and serve as a permanent reminder and an inspiration. (Actually, it is pretty cute. LOL.)


HA! What no ashtray for SSS? Couldn't resist that one GM...I think it's wonderful that you guys will be hanging your sunflower on the wall as a "reminder and inspiration"...I think it will help keep you grounded...

Welcome back...glad you are okay...You know GM, you have an incredible wife...Her warm, winning personality shines through on a message board! WOW! Be very kind to her GM...humble, grateful...Pledge to do "whatever it takes for as long as it takes"...People like SSS don't come along twice in a lifetime...You are a very, very lucky man...

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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"It was particularly odd to be in the mental unit and not even be able to leave, even though it was a voluntary admit. Talk about a controlled environment! The other patients were so sad ( I am sure they probably thought that about me)"

Well, I have been through that. Yes, very controlled. LOL.

When I was locked up, I enjoyed the other patients. But I was probably lucky on the unit I was in.

I HATED the crafts and all of that, and get this, in the patient lounge, we watched a DVD of "The Three Faces of Eve". That's a good one for the looney bin!

Hang in there. I think you and the Mrs. will work this out.

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I agree with you totally about her.

And, if they had allowed ashtrays in the unit, I probably would have made one for her, though it wouldn't have looked as nice on the wall.


FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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 Originally Posted By: believer


I HATED the crafts and all of that, and get this, in the patient lounge, we watched a DVD of "The Three Faces of Eve". That's a good one for the looney bin!



Good grief! Hahahaha. You just made my day.


FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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Actually it was a good experience. I did let my shrink know about the movie. This was about 20 years ago, I was locked up for anxiety and panic attacks. Never had them since getting out.

So I know what it is like. Now I laugh about it, but at the time I was mortified that I could be in the psycho ward.

Hope you are feeling okay. The meds will even out and you will feel normal in a couple of weeks.

Of course then you have to get into the business of recovery.............

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I am glad to see you back, GM.

Your W is a great woman. Make sure you don't mess up the tiny window she is giving you.

You are to be commended for stripping out the personality cancer so quickly and dramatically. Usually a smrt WS like you will just front. Again, I was you, and I have done that.

Anyway, eternal vigilance is the price of marital recovery. Somebody famous said something like that. Pay SSS serious attention every hour of every day.

I know with me, one little minor episiode of missing a chance for affection or what have you just sets my blood boiling and makes me wonder why I am even trying with wayward. But a tiny gesture like a hug or a kiss or dissipates it like smoke.

Best wishes, and I apologize for any rudeness earlier in our exchanges.

Your friend,

Mike

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Thank you so much, Mike. No need for you to apologize for anything. Your posts were and remain spot on. I know you are dealing with some difficult things now, too, not to mention the past, and I wish you all the best. Thank you for the kindness you have shown SSS. You are right about her. I only wish I had understood what I had a long time ago. It IS a small window, and I will not squander it.


FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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GM,

Whats the first item in recovery that you are planning to tackle.





Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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tst - From the Mrs. post, it looks like telling her details about his affairs as suggested by the Harleys.

Personally, I never WANTED any details.

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I mean, I wanted details about why my ex fell for the OW, and things about their relationship, but what they did while they were rutting just didn't interest me.

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He's Ba-ack!

I think it's good that you didn't make an ashtray. As soon as SSS mentioned it, my immediate thought was "Ah, a blunt object!"

I figure a psych ward is like any hospitalization. I've only been hospitalized once for illness. I welcomed those few days of not having to clean, and cook, wonder if the laundry needed doing or who was going to answer the phone... All I had to do was sleep and eat what they brought me and be left alone. When you're sick enough, that's pure bliss.

I can see how a psych ward would be a real downer, but at the same time you had just been through a huge upheaval and the break from "real life" was probably exactly what you needed.

I agree that SSS is a gem of a woman. Funny, strong, articulate, unbelievably generous and caring.

Y'all have a lot of work to do, to be sure, but you don't have to do it all right now. It's a marathon, not a sprint. The only thing you have to do is keep at it. You're allowed to live and enjoy life while you're doing all this, you know. Good seeing you posting again.

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TST, regarding your question of what is the first thing, It is an No Contact Statement or policy and detailed plans of what I will do, that covers all conceivable circumstances that could come up, where OW tries to contact me or "inadvertently" runs into me somewhere. It is approved or edited by W and faxed to Dr. Harley. I am working on that now. As for me contacting her, though I would consider that an impossibility in my heart, the safeguards include the GPS thing, phone records, etc.

Last edited by GreenMile; 01/28/09 01:18 AM.

FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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It isn't about those kinds of details. It is more about what was happening in my head that lead to the decisions in the circumstances, the rationalizations or feelings and how they were carried out. It is going to be very painful, but it is designed for me to be able to recognize any future similar circumstances, thinking, or compulsions very early, so that I can intervene and consciously reject them. Dr. Harley told me on the phone that, although right now I cannot imagine ever repeating my behavior again, there must be safeguards that I can recognize even many years in the future, when the pain of what occurred has subsided. He feels that I may become susceptible again at some point. I sure could not argue with the logic of that, even though I don't believe I could live with myself if I ever did such a thing again.

So, it is not what W fears by "details". Even so, remembering the circumstances and events and sharing those with SSS will be very, very hard, more so on her than on me, and I am "so NOT wanting to do that". But he believes that it is necessary in healing with minimal scarring, because it goes a huge way toward restoring confidence and trust. This stage has to be completed before we can begin to work on actually meeting each other's emotional needs. A written plan following the validation step is written and sent to Dr. Harley, like the initial and fairly quick NC plan, but this could take longer. Anyway, that is my understanding today.


FWH, age 63. 24 years of narcissistic behavior, infidelity, and emotional abandonment of my BS, age 57, DancesWithGoats (DWG). D-day two years ago, leading to emotional breakdown. Been working MB program and toward spiritual transformation and personal growth since then, with some slow but real progress. DWG still with no trust, but with grief starting to subside a bit.
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