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#2269394 - 11/04/09 11:42 AM
Intimacy
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Junior Member
Registered: 03/25/02
Posts: 13
Loc: Maryland
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Hi
2nd post ever here. Married 8 yrs and having serious issue with intimacy, I think because of the other issues over the course of the marriage the entire closeness thing (without sex) has gotten hard to do. I feel like I show my closeness by working, helping with bills, cooking, taking care of children (2nd marriage and his son lives with us 11yrs old). I tried giving him a kiss every morning, that is my good time of day, and he does not seem to remember that when he is fussing about a lack of intimacy. He says it is destroying the rest of the marriage and I need to see something from him. What are some things that women do to be intimate to there husbands...none sexual that part is not an issue and how the heck do you go back to doing it when there has been issues in the past also what are something that men want.
Just me Smiley
_________________________
Just Me tryin to be Smiley
W 41, H 41
Married 8 yrs
DS 21, DD 18, SS 18 & 11
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#2269528 - 11/04/09 01:53 PM
Re: Intimacy
[Re: JusTroubled]
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Member
Registered: 10/30/07
Posts: 9661
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I do things like: - pick out his clothes in the morning and hang them near him
- bring out a bucket of sudsy water and a towel, soak his feet, and then give him a pedicure
- make sure the fridge is stocked with his favorite drink
- cook one of his favorite meals at least once a week
- sit on the couch, leaning against him, and watch a show he likes, without any distractions
- ask him to help me figure out a complicated task or open a jar I'm too weak to open
- invite his friends over, give them the remote, make them some pizza, and say 'have fun!'
- arrange for a weeken getaway for just the two of us, to do something HE likes to do
- learn what his love languages are and make sure I reciprocate weekly in one of HIS love languages
- make sure we spend 15 hours a week together without kids, work, etc.
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#2269545 - 11/04/09 02:22 PM
Re: Intimacy
[Re: catperson]
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Junior Member
Registered: 03/25/02
Posts: 13
Loc: Maryland
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Wow, where do you find 15 hours after family and responsibility.
I love your suggestions, except the pedicure illl I dont do feet LOL. I stock the fridge, cook a fav meal, he takes that for granted uggg but I have learned to live with that. So I going start asking for the "complicated" help LOL, and start to ask questions to learn his love language better.
_________________________
Just Me tryin to be Smiley
W 41, H 41
Married 8 yrs
DS 21, DD 18, SS 18 & 11
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#2269697 - 11/04/09 05:30 PM
Re: Intimacy
[Re: JusTroubled]
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Member
Registered: 05/28/08
Posts: 269
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Ask him what things would make him feel more loved. And don't buy the "if you loved me you'd know" line.
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#2269706 - 11/04/09 05:49 PM
Re: Intimacy
[Re: Happy2CU]
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Member
Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 3839
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Why does it have to be nonsexual? Sounds like you aren't putting out enough for him? Sorry to be blunt.
_________________________
Sooly
"Stop yappin and make it happen."
Me 46
DH 46
Together for 27 years.
Married 20 years.
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#2269708 - 11/04/09 05:50 PM
Re: Intimacy
[Re: Soolee]
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Member
Registered: 04/07/05
Posts: 3839
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Usually when a man complains of lack of intimacy, I tend to think what he's really complaining about is lack of sex.
You say that sex isn't an issue, but have you asked him?
Edited by Soolee (11/04/09 05:51 PM)
_________________________
Sooly
"Stop yappin and make it happen."
Me 46
DH 46
Together for 27 years.
Married 20 years.
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#2269746 - 11/04/09 06:50 PM
Re: Intimacy
[Re: Happy2CU]
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Junior Member
Registered: 03/25/02
Posts: 13
Loc: Maryland
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I get that answer so much and then anything I try seems to be off base, how the heck do you lovingly get around the "if you loved me you would know"
_________________________
Just Me tryin to be Smiley
W 41, H 41
Married 8 yrs
DS 21, DD 18, SS 18 & 11
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#2269749 - 11/04/09 06:52 PM
Re: Intimacy
[Re: JusTroubled]
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Member
Registered: 11/25/08
Posts: 1719
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I get that answer so much and then anything I try seems to be off base, how the heck do you lovingly get around the "if you loved me you would know" "I do love you but I don't know".
_________________________
"I want a healthy marriage or no marriage. I'm done talking about it and I have started to take action about it."
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#2269750 - 11/04/09 06:52 PM
Re: Intimacy
[Re: Soolee]
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Junior Member
Registered: 03/25/02
Posts: 13
Loc: Maryland
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Why does it have to be nonsexual? Sounds like you aren't putting out enough for him? Sorry to be blunt. Because we do counseling and I always focus on the "sex" that is what I am not getting enough of. But he say he needs more intimacy and it seems like what I thought was showing intimacy is not. Believe me if it was only sex I could fix that.
_________________________
Just Me tryin to be Smiley
W 41, H 41
Married 8 yrs
DS 21, DD 18, SS 18 & 11
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#2269782 - 11/04/09 07:58 PM
Re: Intimacy
[Re: JusTroubled]
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Member
Registered: 10/30/07
Posts: 9661
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You find 15 hours by putting it FIRST.
BEFORE tv shows.
BEFORE shopping.
BEFORE setting the kids up for 2 or 3 after-school activities each.
BEFORE you make weekly or monthly time with friends instead of your spouse.
See how it works?
Then, once you have those 'rules' down, you look at your internal processes. How efficient are you two at taking care of the kids, housework, shopping, et al.? If you sit down and chart out what all has to be done each day, you can find areas where, working together, you can take care of things more efficiently, so that the TWO of you have time left over for each other.
For instance, if you both work, but your path from work to home doesn't go by any grocery stores, fill out a shopping list and ask your H to stop and pick up the items. Meanwhile, you're home earlier for not having to go out of your way to the store, and you're already making dinner (with the help of your kids, if they're 5 or older). By the time H gets home, dinner is ready, and maybe the kids already had their baths, and you can all eat, work on homework, put the kids to bed, and then...wow, you've just found an hour alone!
Doable?
ETA: I just went back and looked at your kids' ages. Holy cow! Your kids should each be having at least 3 or 4 chores of their own by that age! THEY should be making dinner! It's your job to teach them how to take care of their own house anyway. So how do you not have time together?
Edited by catperson (11/04/09 08:01 PM)
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