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#2270928 - 11/07/09 12:19 PM
Re: Updating
[Re: canwemakeit]
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Member
Registered: 08/11/07
Posts: 261
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NOTE to retread: I ordered that book you keep suggesting, went to Amazon for my textbooks--bought 'em new and saved $64 over the used prices at the college store, so I used some of my savings for it, used, at $4.02. I LOVE being thrifty. CWMI, my son buys all his textbooks on Amazon or B&N, most of them used. I hope you don't think I am badgering you about that book. Glad you got it cheap. I didn't even tell you about it until I had ordered a used hardback myself. (wink) I am giving a copy to both my single daughters, so they will aim high. Oh, what are you taking in school?
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#2270932 - 11/07/09 12:28 PM
Re: Updating
[Re: Retread]
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Member
Registered: 11/25/08
Posts: 1719
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I bought Buyers Renters & Freeloaders on Amazon for $.25!
My son bought his textbooks on Amazon as well--and will be selling them there when he's done!
_________________________
"I want a healthy marriage or no marriage. I'm done talking about it and I have started to take action about it."
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#2270954 - 11/07/09 02:26 PM
Re: Updating
[Re: Retread]
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Member
Registered: 10/18/08
Posts: 1167
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CWMI, my son buys all his textbooks on Amazon or B&N, most of them used. I hope you don't think I am badgering you about that book. Glad you got it cheap. I didn't even tell you about it until I had ordered a used hardback myself. (wink) I am giving a copy to both my single daughters, so they will aim high.
Oh, what are you taking in school?
I haven't checked B&N in a long time, ever since they got rid of BNU. That was the bomb for someone like me...they had online classes you could take...FREE...on all kinds of subjects with instructors and feedback and peer feedback, I loved that stuff. I didn't know they sell used. The coursebooks I just bought include media and codes for online labs, so I went new. No media? Def going used. No, you didn't badger about the book. I looked it up and decided it does look very interesting to me, in the cart it goes! It has got to be better than "Surrendering to Marriage", which was apparently written for wives with a wayward mind. I was actually offended by much of it, and hurt. Many of the stories involved devoted husbands with disinterested wives, wives who felt stifled by being loved so much, and only wanted glamor and hot new lovers. Erp, I'm going to throw up again. lol I'm a brand-spanking new freshman, so I'll be filling core for the next three semesters. Right now my major is English, which I almost hate saying because people usually respond, "What on earth for?" and all I can say is...it's where my treasure lies, at least as far as intellectual pursuits. Plus, I could never pass the math for a science degree.
_________________________
Me: 39
H: 38
Married 8 years
Mine: ds12
Ours: ds7, dd6, ds5
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#2270969 - 11/07/09 03:24 PM
Re: Updating
[Re: Telly]
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Member
Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 42
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I apologize up front for the t/j... For me, the only way I can generally lose certain games is if I THROW them, which I am not going to do... it's insulting to me and to my partner...When I was younger, we used to play the board game version of "Wheel of Fortune." I was such an avid reader my whole life that I could not help but know the answers very quickly. People hated it so much that they would SCREAM at me, and accuse me of cheating, and it was horrible....I finally burst into tears and never played the game with them again. How is it MY fault that I happen to be good at the game? This really shows that people have different motivations. In my situation, it's more important for me to spend time with people and still play a game I love. I love Wheel of Fortune myself (a bit old now, but still great). I'd rather play it, win in my mind, throw it, and have a good time with my friends then never play that game again. I guess for you, Telly, you've got so many other thigns you can do with your friends that not playing WoF doesn't bother you... but I'm pretty good at almost every game my friends and I play- so if I took that route, I soon wouldn't have anyone to hang with! In cwmi's case, seems to me that her husband has an issue with her having to always be right all the time. I'm not judging whether or not she displays that attitude, I'm just regurgitating what she quoted him a few pages back. So it would be nice to give him safe opportunities to be a man and best her. If not throwing a game, then perhaps finding one where they are more evenly matched so he could win honestly. Is it fair to coddle to someone's ego? No... but if you want to keep him from walking out the door, I don't see how doing so temporarily could hurt.
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#2270972 - 11/07/09 03:31 PM
Re: Updating
[Re: canwemakeit]
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Member
Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 42
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He said, well, if you think so, but I don't think you're going to be warm enough....Now if I had said just "Are you going to be warm enough?" he would have went OFF. He would have said I was second-guessing his judgment, that I didn't give him the respect of assuming that he knew how to dress himself, etc. cwmi, do you think he would be receptive to pointing this out during a calm, quiet moment? Asking him how he think you should resolve the fact that if you had asked the same thing he would have been upset? Maybe , after reminding him of the "warm enough" conversation, point out the reversal that happened in the "coming to bed" conversation you told us about a month or two ago? Or might that just set him off, and push you two steps backward?
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#2270973 - 11/07/09 03:31 PM
Re: Updating
[Re: Telly]
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Member
Registered: 10/26/09
Posts: 42
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And I can't PRETEND to not know how to play ping pong or scrabble, or air hockey. I am good. I'm not going to be fakey fakey stupid, uncoordinated girl...Maybe eventually we can play together, but until me winning doesn't send him into a tailspin, I won't do it. Someone help me out here, b/c I'm relativly new... cwmi, what I see in you is someone who is extremly frustrated, has done all she needs to do in order to improve her marriage, and is now hurting from the appearance that (in spite of all her effort, all the changes she's made, all she's had to put up with) her H does not consider the M or her important enough to work on (this being inferred from broken promises, choosing work over the family, and allowing other people to walk over him even when she expresses her disapproval). I also gather that you want more quality time with your husband. Well, as the originator of the "fake losing" idea, and someone who learned that I get invited to more get-togethers when I'm not always besting everyone, it seems to me that tempering game performance (much as catperson explained) might be a quick, easy, way to start sharing positive time with him. Maybe not postive from cwmi's perspective, but postive from her HUSBAND's perspective. Or, cwmi, is the real problem that you'll play Scrabble and he'll consider the "quality time" block checked, and think that's a "get out of jail free" card to spend more time at work or something else away from you? If you want more time with him, that means more time with him and his current attitude, until you've put in enough time to (hopefully) change his attitude.
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#2270979 - 11/07/09 03:39 PM
Re: Updating
[Re: DaisyTheCat2]
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Member
Registered: 03/21/09
Posts: 512
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CWMI,
1. Get a job and bring in income.
2. Ask your husband to cut his work hours by ________because now your income will make up for his shortened work houres.
Then, both of you will be happy.
Right now, you want the MONEY your husband works hard for and you also want the TIME he is giving up by working this hard. You cannot have both.
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#2270983 - 11/07/09 03:52 PM
Re: Updating
[Re: DaisyTheCat2]
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Member
Registered: 10/18/08
Posts: 1167
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Daisy, I think you're putting way to much responsibility on me for something that is beyond my control. If he wants to win a board game, shouldn't he work TOWARD that goal, instead of blaming the other person for his failure to do so? I'm going to go all ridiculous now, but it's kind of like me wanting to win a gymnastics gold medal, and expecting the rest of the competitors to 'throw' it to me. Cause I want it, and don't want to have to work for it, ya know?
I think he plays because he knows I like the game, and it's something easy to do and say, "See? I did something with you."
Counter to what you said about not being invited to play if you didn't sometimes throw your game: I would not want to play with someone who did that, and I don't think Telly would, either, because it is DISRESPECTFUL to basically tell your friends, "I don't think you're smart enough to win this without my help."
_________________________
Me: 39
H: 38
Married 8 years
Mine: ds12
Ours: ds7, dd6, ds5
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#2271001 - 11/07/09 05:35 PM
Re: Updating
[Re: canwemakeit]
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Member
Registered: 02/10/04
Posts: 3035
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"Counter to what you said about not being invited to play if you didn't sometimes throw your game: I would not want to play with someone who did that, and I don't think Telly would, either, because it is DISRESPECTFUL to basically tell your friends, "I don't think you're smart enough to win this without my help." That's exactly how I feel about it. I was (am) terrible TERRIBLE at trivial pursuit. Some people were great at it. We knew it. Sure, we would switch things up (partners, etc). But you always knew who was probably going to have the answer, and it usually was not going to be me! Maybe I am competitive, in that I want a game to be fair--everyone bringing their best. I would hate it if I thought someone was doing less than their best to placate me. Not only does it mean they are playing down to me, but that they don't think I can handle it if I lose! I've hosted many a "game night" in my life, and I've played my heart out, won, lost, and always had a blast (except when some guy kept buzzing a buzzer in my ear to annoy me). The negative example I shared was with my siblings, and now with my husband. So now we only play games where we both can win, or where our skills are about equal, or I know I'm not as good. I don't mind losing. And sure, I like winning--but I don't NEED to win. I just want to be able to give it my all, and have fun while doing it--laughing, talking, being silly, etc. In fact, when I was playing volleyball, I never cared what the outcome was of the game, as long as I personally had played my best. The game is no fun if I can't play my best, whether I win or lose isn't the point. I want to play a good game, use my mind well (or body, whichever kind of game it is).
_________________________
Me 39
H 43
Married 9 1/2 years
Two children D6 and Dbaby !
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#2271008 - 11/07/09 06:00 PM
Re: Updating
[Re: Telly]
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Member
Registered: 05/28/08
Posts: 269
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Maybe Retread or Hold will chime in here, but I'm kind of interested in the male/male game-playing behaviour vs the the male-female. In my experience guys tend to play very hard against their friends, each competing as hard as they can to win. For that reason they tend not to play with people they know will lose all the time. For one it's boring, and two the other person gets angry/hurt/embarrassed. So say one guy is a real whiz on basketball, he probably won't play with his not so good mate but they might play tennis where the other guy has a chance to win. Now, change this to male/female or husband/wife. If the wife is better at the game, and she beats the pants off him, he'll be ticked and embarrassed. Most men will avoid playing that game to avoid this situation. However, CWMI's husband seems to be sticking to it. I do know that if my husband EVER found out I was cheating to lose, he'd be VERY angry and possibly never play any games with me again. It seems to be a violation of some guy rule to not play your best. So the solution seems to be either teach the hubby to play the game in question better (probably not possible) or find some other game to play. Plead boredom with it, or something "Oh, we play that all the time". How about bringing home some newer board games, or pick something very silly where it doesn't matter so much whether you win or lose. When I was a kid I used to love the Addams Family game because the last one across the finish line won. On the English major thing, actually English majors are quite employable in a lot of business settings, so don't worry about the nay-sayers. And you could always join Garrison Keillor's group POEM: the Professional Oraganization for English Majors. 
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