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#2313483 01/28/10 11:56 AM
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Yet another newbie...

I'm not ready to go into a lot of details right now, kind of dipping my toes into the water.

D-Day was very recent, there were finally enough signs that I checked my wife's cell phone messages.

Subsequently, I found this websight and all of the great information that Dr. Harley has here, free of charge. Found out that I had great instincts on my reaction to the discovery and have been doing just about everthing right since then, including the initial confrontation. She claims the other man meant nothing (not someone she met through work or friends, just someone from the bar one night), and she has agreed to no contact.

Unfortunately, I also found out that I have been doing everthing wrong in the last however many years as far as meeting emotional needs and that here "love bank" account was so far in the red that it makes me cringe. Affair or not, she has definitely fallen out of love with me and is not sure we can ever recapture it.

I've told her that it is possible if we both work together and that Dr. Harley provides a great roadmap to get there. She seems receptive, but hasn't given me the reassurance that she is "all in" yet. Regardless, I am all in with or without her.

One question in planning how to go forward. There is talk of plan A and plan B. If it comes to plan B, how do I get her out of the house? I'm damn sure not leaving and I'm sure she will insist the same. How would I persuade her to leave?

schtoop #2313490 01/28/10 12:00 PM
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Well, your best chance is a phone call away.

You know what I mean since you'e been reading/lurking.

And, I do mean YOUR BEST CHANCE.

Make the call today, with or without her.
Don't waste time.


Pepperband #2313497 01/28/10 12:05 PM
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I'm dense, you'll have to elaborate further.

schtoop #2313499 01/28/10 12:06 PM
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Originally Posted by schtoop
I'm dense, you'll have to elaborate further.
LINK


Pepperband #2313528 01/28/10 12:15 PM
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schtoop Offline OP
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Thanks, I've been perusing this website for a couple of days now and somehow skipped reading about that service. Definitely worth considering, but would also go along with being "all in". My next step is to bring home the books and read them cover to cover and hope she does the same.

Kind of ironic, in that she brough home "The five languages of love" last year for us both to read and I totally blew her off. Told you I was dense.

schtoop #2313536 01/28/10 12:20 PM
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Look, you wrote:

Quote
She seems receptive


This is a golden opportunity to show how much you have changed and show your willingness to take a leadership role in re-building a marriage where you both get your needs met.

Not calling, is a waste of an opportunity.

This is not the time for passive wishing & hoping.

No, I do not work for them.

Pepperband #2315238 01/30/10 06:31 PM
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Bumping this back to the top...

I was hoping we were different. Hoping that after the initial confrontation on D-day (1 week ago), that no contact was agreed to.

Well, I know she's no different now. Several cell phone contacts on Thursday night. Had a heart to heart on Friday afternoon where I told her everything I was willing to do, and the converstation was going well. She reaffirmed the NC agreement, along with mutual enthusiastic agreement and total honesty. Then I told her I know she broke the NC, and it was then that I required the NC letter. To this she hesitated, and said she didn't know if she could do that. I held fast, and told her that this was the one thing that was non-negotiable.

The side bar is that I have a work trip to Puerto Rico next month and the whole family was going along (2 kids under 10). I informed her that I was pulling the plug on PR if I did not see her send the NC letter. This really upset her and the rest of the afternoon was pretty quiet.

Should I stick to my guns on the PR trip? How can I continue plan A if there is no NC letter?

The one thing I haven't done is exposure. Since she agreed to NC on D-day, I though that maybe I could spare us both this step. If I have to pull the plug on Puerto Rico, then the big Exposure is going to happen, including the kids. Is this a good plan?

This sucks, and the amount of traffic this board gets sucks too. I'm all alone right now and its tough to hear your soulmate say they don't love you anymore.

Last edited by schtoop; 01/30/10 06:34 PM.
schtoop #2315244 01/30/10 06:38 PM
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You are where you are because you have not exposed.

schtoop #2315245 01/30/10 06:39 PM
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schtoop, sorry you are here. I wouldn't push the nc letter, because it is meaningless unless she is willing to end contact.

Who is the OM and is he married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Pepperband #2315247 01/30/10 06:45 PM
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Schoopt

Did you act on this??



Originally Posted by Pepperband
Look, you wrote:

Quote
She seems receptive


This is a golden opportunity to show how much you have changed and show your willingness to take a leadership role in re-building a marriage where you both get your needs met.

Not calling, is a waste of an opportunity.

This is not the time for passive wishing & hoping.

No, I do not work for them.


nesre



M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
nesre #2315263 01/30/10 07:11 PM
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schtoop Offline OP
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No, I have not called the number.

I have showed her this website, the books are in the mail and should be here Mon. or Tues.

She agreed to get counseling on D-day, but hasn't followed through yet. I am exploring couples counselers in town that are covered by our HMO. Sorry, but as much as I respect Dr. Harley and what he advocates, I think face-to-face has its advantages and getting her there is the first step.

Exposure will happen sooner than later if I can't get a NC agreement.

schtoop #2315266 01/30/10 07:19 PM
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Schtoop

Please read the link b/c there are a wide variety of methods that are used, and some not so good for the M.


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7100_counselor.html


Nesre


M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
schtoop #2315272 01/30/10 07:30 PM
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Originally Posted by schtoop
No, I have not called the number.

I have showed her this website, the books are in the mail and should be here Mon. or Tues.

She agreed to get counseling on D-day, but hasn't followed through yet. I am exploring couples counselers in town that are covered by our HMO. Sorry, but as much as I respect Dr. Harley and what he advocates, I think face-to-face has its advantages and getting her there is the first step.

Exposure will happen sooner than later if I can't get a NC agreement.

schtoop, I would NOT send her here until the affair is really ended. You will lose this place as a resource. Your first order of business will be to kill this affair. There will be no recovery until that happens. Ending the affair is the equivalent of getting the alcoholic to put down the drink. It is the critical first step. And it is your job to kill this affair by causing as much trouble as possible. Most OM do not want trouble and will run at the first sign of conflict.

Who is the OM? Is he married?

Secondly, marriage counseling has an 84% FAILURE rate and causes more problems than it can solve. We have had people come here whose "counselor" told them there was nothing wrong with having "friends" [affairs] or that a "separation" was in order. The problem with traditional marriage counseling is that they are not pro-marriage and don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage. The Harleys differ in that they actually know how to save marriages and their plan works. Whereas, if you follow the plan of your typical marriage counselor, you will usually end up divorced. Marriage counselors have a higher divorce rate than the general population. Dr Harley speaks about this in this newsletter and in this article How Dr Harley learned to save marriages .


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


schtoop #2315273 01/30/10 07:32 PM
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Originally Posted by schtoop
Exposure will happen sooner than later if I can't get a NC agreement.

Just wanted to point out that you already obtained such agreement. A wayward will usually "agree" to end contact but then go further underground. That is what is happening in your situation.

Who is the OM and is he married?

Dr Harley on exposure:
Originally Posted by Dr Harley
Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.
Exposure


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2315276 01/30/10 07:38 PM
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A couple things, I sent her to the MB home page, not the forums. She hasn't followed up much. Like I said, the books are in the mail.

MB is something I would love for us to do together.

I did a quick people search on the OM, but didn't find much other than a name and address (low rent). In talking with my wife, she first claimed that HE didn't know she was married, to which I immediately called B.S. Yesterday she admitted he knew she was married. From what I can gather he's likely divorced.

Back to my most pressing question, am I being too hardlined to pull the plug on the family trip if I don't get a NC agreement?

Last edited by schtoop; 01/30/10 07:40 PM.
schtoop #2315277 01/30/10 07:41 PM
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Originally Posted by schtoop
A couple things, I sent her to the MB home page, not the forums. She hasn't followed up much. Like I said, the books are in the mail.

MB is something I would love for us to do together.

I did a quick people search on the OM, but didn't find much other than a name and address (low rent). In talking with my wife, she first claimed that HE didn't know she was married, to which I immediately called B.S. Yesterday she admitted he knew she was married. From what I can gather he's likely divorced.

She has probably lied to him about her marital status and he has lied to her about his. Cheaters always lie. If oyu have his name, you can look him up in anywho.com and get his home # and call there and see if a woman answers. [disguise your # using *67 so he cant see your caller ID] If she does, you could tell her about the affair. Do you know where he lives?

You might also try intelius.com to see if a womans name comes up with his.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2315278 01/30/10 07:42 PM
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schtoop, if you determine that he is not married, I would then call him up and ask him to meet with you so you can put a stop to this affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2315281 01/30/10 07:46 PM
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schtoop Offline OP
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Like I said, she admitted yesterday that he knows she is married so he likely knew all along.

A phone call or visit from me is something I find most distasteful, and I can see them both getting a big laugh out of it. I'll assume he is trash and just act accordingly. My stuggle is with her heart/mind, I don't care to try to influence his.

schtoop #2315284 01/30/10 07:54 PM
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Originally Posted by schtoop
Like I said, she admitted yesterday that he knows she is married so he likely knew all along.

A phone call or visit from me is something I find most distasteful, and I can see them both getting a big laugh out of it. I'll assume he is trash and just act accordingly. My stuggle is with her heart/mind, I don't care to try to influence his.

I agree it is distasteful, however, it is often very effective in ending an affair. You are in a distasteful situation and often it takes such actions to kill an affair. OM do not want trouble and when you contact him every time he is in contact, he will probably end the affair himself.

Quote
My stuggle is with her heart/mind,

Your struggle is with the AFFAIR. The affair is a threat to your marriage and your family. And until you kill the affair, it will affect the heart and mind of your wife and endanger your marriage. You should view the affair the same as you would a pint of whiskey in relation to an alcoholic. You will have no influence over the alcoholic until he puts down the drink. Similarly, you will have no chance until the affair is killed.

As far as her telling him she is married, her word is meaningless. And if she did tell him this, it was probably with some spin. Even so, it is always a good idea to speak to him yourself to make sure he has the true story and understands that you will not allow him to destroy your family without a fight. [not physical, of course]


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


MelodyLane #2315288 01/30/10 08:04 PM
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schtoop, in case you weren't aware of it, MelodyLane is kind of like the "Godfather" (Godmother?) of MB. You can bet your @$$ if ML says it, it's the Gospel truth.

She doesn't choose everyone to assist, so by coming to your thread, she must think there's a chance you can make this work.

So now the ball's in your court. I warn you, if you let ML down, it won't be pretty...


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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