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I am new here, I looked at a lot of posts, and have looked at the basics of MB. On the other hand, my wife and I are seeing a marriage counselor at this time, so we are following the counselors advice at this time. I will look into getting Surviving and Affair to read.

Now my story. Last year my wife started to get into social networking more and more. She would meet guys online playing video games, give them her phone number and social network name, and then tell them about her sex life with me. Many found it amusing, and sent my wife pictures of their privates. She just laughed it off and never really fell for any of them.

On the 4th of July last year she spent the entire day flirting with a new guy she hardly knew, honestly met that day, and that night sent him pictures of herself while I lay in bed asleep.

For the next 2 months she would text this guy every 2 minutes, and chat with him online. Graphic pictures were exchanged, and even plans on meeting up were put into place. However my wife never said that she loved him, because she was still in love with me.

I confronted her about her A on September 19th. She said she was releived I found out, but would not promise to stop contact with this guy. gave me the usual lies. "It means nothing because it is an EA", "we are too far apart so there is nothing to worry about."....etc. She promised that if she did not reconcile this by the end of October then we would go to counseling.

One and a half months later she was still doing the same thing. I asked her to removed him from her social network website, which she did, and I blocked his number from her cell phone on her consent.

Things seemed to get better. She was talking to me again, and we were having fun. She spent time with the kids again, but only 20 minutes a day. Things were looking up for us. I did not think we needed counseling. Until the OM got a girlfriend.

She became depressed, and quit talking to me, she stopped talking to the kids again. She refused to get a counselor, and then turned to an old friend online. She told him everything, even more than she ever told me I think. Within a week I saw the same bad patterns, and warned her that she was doing it again.

On a side note the new OM recently flew from his native country, to the US for a week, to sleep with a girl, who is married. Then he flew home and broke it off with her for my wife. I have no respect for this man.

About 3-4 weeks into their relationship I confronted her, but she had no remorse. She said she does not love me anymore, and she is in love with this new OM. She would tell herself, "How do I know if I can love my husband if I have never been with another man?" She also expressed her desire to be permiscuous with other men, and misses being young and free like her friends who have no kids and just party and have sex on the weekends. I set up a time with the counselor who is trying to help us out.

For me the counselor said I have to be more appealing to her, and assertive, because I tend to roll over and play dead when things get tough. For her he asked her to stop talking to the OM, set some boundaries to stop herself from talking to him, and focus on reviving her love for me.

Little to say she did the exact opposite of the counselor. She obeyed the boundaries but found other ways to talk to the OM, and more frequently than ever. I am still trying to be more appealing and assertive. I do not want to be a doormat. One time I kicked her out of the house, but I had no plan B, and I want to fix the marriage. I had to have the OM send her back home before she fled so we can work on our marriage.

The OM has stopped talking dirty to her according to the chats I record, but I can't record all their conversations in all media. He also is starting a job in a distant area of his country where he will have limited communication with her for 6 months. He said he does not want to be the reason she leaves me. At the same time he always lets her know that he loves her and is willing to fly her to his country to marry her and he wants her to have kids with him. My wife still sends him messages, and tries her best to contact him. I blocked her social website and removed the OM's contact info from her phone. She got extreamly irate telling me that she hates me, and does not want to see my face when I get home from work anymore. I knew I was going to get this response and I was prepared, but it still hurt. I really dont expect this obsticle to last long until she finds another way of contacting him. Then I will have to put up another obsticle.

I have contemplated exposure, but I wont do that until I have read the book, and produced a solid Plan A or Plan B. I do not want Plan D, but it seems my WW is leaning that way, and talks about it often. Her talk is making me think that she is probably right and I will eventually give into a plan D.

It seems like we are running our marriage around in circles. Any bold or assertive move I make just drives her closer to divorce. I try to keep things very calm and level headed. I do not call her names. I do not make derrogitory jokes about her, and I try to be positive in any circumstance. I try to be the most amazing husband anyone has ever seen, but honestly it does not seem to work. She wants a loveless marriage to me, and a boyfriend on the side.

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Before I expose I want to make sure I have a solid Plan A. I want to be asertive, but kind. So I got the book "No More Mr. Nice guy" It is in the mail and will be here soon. Honestly I am the bread winner at the house and the maid. Im so nice I offered to let my mother-in-law, and sister and husband stay with us while they are on hard times. By the way both her mom and her sister know and since they live with us they can see everything.

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WS

Quote
I am new here, I looked at a lot of posts, and have looked at the basics of MB. On the other hand, my wife and I are seeing a marriage counselor at this time, so we are following the counselors advice at this time. I will look into getting Surviving and Affair to read


Sorry your here but welcome.
Start with the basics. Post a lot and ask questions. I am not a vet here so there are others that will be able to help you much better than I.

Start off with the basic concepts and then come back and ask questions.

Most of of here use the information from the site as a guide to proceed.

MB Basic Concepts

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Nesre


M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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I guess my first question is what if my wife does someting drastic when I expose her? I blocked her Facebook, but he can still contact her saying things like "I miss you wait till this all blows over." She was so furious this morning for blocking her account she threw up a bunch of threat about the kids and taking everything from me. Im a little worried, I really just hope they are threats.

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I'd really like to know what your counselor says about all of this. Your wife is behaving in an out of control way. If it was just one OM, MB would work, but it seems like your wife is running wild. What do you mean by she spent more time with the kids (but only 20 minutes)? Is she a good mom? Does she have substance abuse problems or need to be on meds?

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Originally Posted by Wheels_spinning
It seems like we are running our marriage around in circles. Any bold or assertive move I make just drives her closer to divorce.

WS, this is the problem right here. Your wife continues her destructive behavior without consequence by threatening divorce. She knows she holds this leverage with you and can continue to destroy your marriage and your children's family using this tactic. BECAUSE IT WORKS.

My suggestion would be to stop reacting to it and ask her to leave if she won't quit her destructive behavior. Tell her you will divorce her if she doesn't stop. GEt her out and go into Plan B.

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."
here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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WS

Two of the best this board has to offer have replied to your thread. It may be wise to read carefully and LISTEN to what they have to say.

Very good Thread about exposure

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2267556&page=1

Nesre


M 29 yrs
DS 28 DD 18
Me 53 FWH FBS
MTA signed 5/11/2011
D final 5/16/2011

Free.... and going wherever the big guy wants me to go......
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Excellent links to exposure. Thank You!

believer,
My WW only addiction is World of Warcraft, and Facebook. Here is how her normal day goes. Get up around 7:30-8:00. Go work out then go tanning. Get home by 10:00, and spend 20 min with the kids reading and getting them ready. 10:30-12:00 get herself ready. 12:00-1:30 work on calls for her Mary Kay business. 1:30-3:30 chat or talk to the OM. Picks me up from work then go do errands in order to avoid me at home. By 6:00 she is playing World of Warcraft until 11-12 at night. She does not abuse drugs or alchohol, but she does exhibit addictive behavior, as our counselor states.

Speaking of the counselor, he tells her that she is out of control and that she is acting out like a teenage girl. It�s like she is going through an early midlife crisis. He tells me that I am a push over, and I lay down and play dead when things get tough as a act of self preservation. At first he wanted to wean WW from her addiction to the EA, but after she blatantly disregarded his advice he gave told her to have NC with the OM, which she also disregarded.

I blocked her method of addiction, but not the addiction itself. She still craves to keep contact, and she even went to the library to contact the OM to tell him what had happened. Due to her sloppiness I found his reply in an open email saying, �Well that was unexpected, I�m going to keep my distance while you two work it out.� He did not contact her back even though she tried. He says he will be �working� for the next six months and wont contact her during this time. Although, he will be home every other week to play World of Warcraft with my WW.

It took was only one day of giving me the silent treatment for cutting off one of her supplies, but we did have a conversation. My WW told me in an pissed off way that she has been falling out of love with me for the past four years, and she wants to fix our marriage so her mom and her sister will stop giving her the guilt trip. In the same conversation she seems to contradict herself by saying that she chooses to feel guilty or not, and no one can tell her what to do by making her feel guilt, and she will do whatever she damn well pleases. I assume, and you know that assume makes an [censored] out of u and me, that she is fixing her marriage for the wrong reasons. I think those reasons are so she does not feel guilty about her affair, and she wants to stay with the kids. Not that she feels remorse for what she did or wants to make reconciliation.

Should I still expose her even though she is trying to fix our marriage for the wrong reasons, and I see evidence that the OM is somewhat backing off in the frequency that he contacts her? From the links it looks like exposure will still be in my favor. Should I just keep gathering evidence until I am convinced that she is a liar or telling the truth?

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The OM is a single man living in his mothers basement in Austrailia. I have known him for about 3 years from playing World of Warcraft with him, but I would have to say I know how to regulate my time with video games. I have open conversations with him about this affair, and I have no idea how to contact his family, or his friends about this EA. He really seems in Lust with my WW, but does not want to be the OM. The counselor told my WW, "It is most likely that the OM will not want you after you leave your husband, because if you leave your husband for the OM then who is to say that you wont leave the OM for another."

I think he does not want to take that chance with a WW, or feel the guilt of breaking up a marriage. The addiction is on his side too, and he just can't stay away either. I know all this because he will tell me everything about their affair, and she is sloppy at hiding it.

In fact for a while she let me read everything they said, even the nitty gritty dirty emails, but recently she has been trying to cover her tracks. I have blown the ways that I snoop on her, and think I have to resort to a keylogger, but the evidence still pops up here and there, and I save it off somewhere else.

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WS, you can expose but you also need to demand she stop her abusive behavioe and start making plans to divorce her. She doesn't believe you will do anything to stop her and will continue until you tell her otherwise. She needs to be told you will divorce her.

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By 6:00 she is playing World of Warcraft until 11-12 at night. He says he will be �working� for the next six months and wont contact her during this time. Although, he will be home every other week to play World of Warcraft with my WW.

My suggestion would be to contact the OM and let him know he is stay away from your wife. Is he married? If so, I would contact his wife.

Then turn off your internet at night. If she is hooking up with men on the computer, then she needs to take her adultery out of the home away from you and kids. She should never carry on with that in your home. That is a boundary you should protect, Sir.

Do you have a keylogger on her computer?



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Wheels_spinning
I have blown the ways that I snoop on her, and think I have to resort to a keylogger, but the evidence still pops up here and there, and I save it off somewhere else.

Go download eblaster at spectorpro.com and install it on her computer. You can program it to email you hourly reports of all chats, etc.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thanks Melody,
I have been separating our finances so she does not have direct access to them, and she is looking for a job so she can support herself. I have also blocked her gaming so she is not up so late. I have taken away her afternoon game time, and I have blocked her to play from 8 - 10:30 on the weekdays.

I should really write up some demands or boundaries I expect her to follow including an NC letter. I have talked to the OM, and he says he will not contact her. Of course he does not keep to his word.

I am still trying to work some kind of Plan A with her, but it is hard to show how compassionate I am for her as she stabs me in front of my face. Right now we are having a family outing to go see a shuttle rocket booster test. I will have to work on the demands tomorrow when I see my counselor. My WW refused to go with me this time.

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WS, that doesn't sound very compelling to me if she continues her contact with the OM. Does she know you will divorce her if she doesn't stop it?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sorry to say, I made a promise to never her kick her out again. This happened after I kicked her out once, and she spat at me saying �You have no right to take my kids from me!� That day she packed her sex toys, and was going to Las Vegas, where she grew up, to figure out if she wanted to stay in Vegas or go to Australia. I thought that kicking her out was a bad idea because I did not want to go into battle over my kids.

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It was all emotional based and I was just going straight to Plan D without looking setting up a solid Plan B. I at least want to try to fix us.

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You do have a point that I will divorce her if she continues contact, and she needs to know that up front. She might actually be gung ho about that. I am the one trying to keep us together I think.

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Originally Posted by Wheels_spinning
You do have a point that I will divorce her if she continues contact, and she needs to know that up front. She might actually be gung ho about that. I am the one trying to keep us together I think.

I would let her know right up front that you will divorce her if she doesn't stop. Allowing her to believe you will do nothing, other than REWARD HER, for being abusive, leads to unrealistic expectations of ENTITLEMENT.

That is not the purpose of Plan A. Plan A is a short term plan in which you a) avoid lovebusters and b) convey the message that you will meet her needs in the FUTURE if she ends her affair. It is not plan APPEASEMENT or plan to reward abusive behavior.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I have been trying to avoid love busters. In fact I think I am really good at that. I read them and said, "I never saw myself doing any of those, well, until I found out she was having an affair." I try to recognise when i get heated and cool things off quickly before a love buster pops up.

The EN's are where I fail. Whenever I try to fill he bank she rejects me. I think it is because I am on the backburner for the other man. It also seems like her ENs are met through her addictions to World of Warcraft, Facebook, and texting. I tried for months to get her attention by taking her on several dates a week, being positive and the most amazing husband anyone has ever had. All her sisters are completely jealous of how great a husband i am to her, but she just literally ignores me on purpose.

I think I need to remove the OM before I can meet her ENs. That is the hard part, and she even tells me that it is too hard for her to not have contact with him. I am still standing my ground, byt I need a firm ground saying I will divorce if you keep contact.

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I have a new question. If I tell her that I will divorce if she keeps contact then how does Plan B come into play? I thought you go to Plan B when they aren't willing to comply with fixing the marriage.

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