I am looking for actual experiences from people who have cheated on their spouse but where able to save their marriage. I know that the spouse has to agree to want to save it first and foremost.

As for me, I admitted to my affair only after being confronted. After about 6 months of off and on questions, a failed counseling attempt (I caused that), several fights, and me making my spouse feel guilty, I finally admitted it.

I feel absolutely horrible. I have destroyed my spouse. I have risked losing my entire family. I know that I don't deserve another chance but I am willing to do anything for that chance. I have been reading this site and others to see what I should do next.

How can I help my spouse deal with it too? Is there anything I can do?

Please help

Have you read on this site about How Affairs Should End ?

Welcome to MB.

DH- What does your BW want? Does she want to save this M? You can't force her to take you back. If she wants to D, none of us BS would blame her one bit.

As for your question, there are a lot of stories out there about people who have saved their M. Have you read all of the material on here? I mean ALL of the material.

Welcome to MB

DH71:

If your serious, there is help here.

Read this thread if you want proof that it can happen: Curtains

You have taken the first step. You have -finally- admitted somewhat to what you have been doing.

The real work starts now.

Do you have any hobbies? Thing YOU like to do? Forget them.

Fix yourself, and fix your marriage. Then you can get back to the hobbies.

You thought telling your BW what you did was bad, wait until you really start up the recovery train...

LG

if you're still at home, that's a pretty good sign...although i bet it's pretty uncomfortable...all i can say is that it's going to take time...a lot of time and a lot of patience on your end...your spouse is going to go through all types of emotions...

there's a lot of information on this site and it can be frustrating making a plan on your own, although people here can help you do just that...

personally, i would invest the money and time and call Dr. Harley ASAP...he can help you jumpstart a plan today and also if your spouse is willing, he could speak with your spouse and give some encouragement and hope that thing can get better and you two can have a strong marriage...stronger than the one you previously had...

good luck to you!

Thanks so far.

No I have not read all the material hear but am slowly working my way through some of it.

She is still in to much shock and disbelief to know right now, She said she can't imagine a life without me but can't imagine ever forgiving me.

I screwed up bad and know it. I am so sorry for hurting her the way I have.

I am not making excuses for what I did, have told her I will have patients while she works things out, have eliminated all contact with the other. I want to start working on me so that if she decides to give it a shot I have already started with my issues.

More...more...please

If your BS had to drag the truth out of you for 6 months you have done more damage to the marriage. From here on, stop lying and being dishonest whether it is about the A or anything. Even non-A dishonesty will drive your BS nuts and she will think you are a hopeless liar. Don't blameshift, minimize, or get defensive with her. YOU did this not her. Words are cheap and will not be believed so don't get mad when she doesn't believe you...you will only reinforce the poor image she has of you even more.

What is your BS saying about you and the marriage at this point? Are you in contact with the AP at all? That includes being a coworker, neighbor, etc. Has the A been exposed to family and/or friends?

I have stopped lying and am being honest. I have read enough to know that I need to be honest know matter what I did. I am not blameshifting, minimizing, or getting defensive. At this point I only had contact via internet and I have eliminated that. I will never se this person again because of the location so that isn't a problem, the last time I was this other person was 6 months ago.

Right now she has said that first she needs to decide if she even wants to try to work it out. A couple friends a family members know some info but not all. The kids know something happened but I don't know if they fully understand (ages 10 and 6).

P.S. Where can I look to figure out all the terms here?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2338067&page=1

read that thread. It is about the abbreviations that we use most

Thanks

What do the family members know? Do they specifically know of the A or is it the generic "we are having problems"? How long ago was your last internet contact with OW?

Deerhunter,
The lies are incredibly damaging. If you want to demonstrate to your wife that you are committed to honesty, schedule a polygraph and let her determine the questions to be asked.

It will require all the courage humanly possible to confront the lies and become completely truthful. You must answer every question, no matter how embarrassing.

I will share with you what I wanted from my husband after his affair, but didn't get it right away.

Be completely honest, answer ALL questions in as much detail as possible. Pretend the other woman is dead to you, no contact with OW whatsoever. If you see her broke down on the side of the road, keep driving. Reasssure, affirm, confirm and build your wife up. Get as much info as you can from this site.

Trust me, it's gonna be hard and there will be no quick results, it's going to take some time, months, prehaps years. But, how bad do you want it? Are you going to quit halfway through the healing process or are you going to endure until the end? If you're not ready for the long haul, the time, blood sweat and tears it may take, leave now and save the both of you some trouble.

Thanks 26years, that is by far the best advise I have gotten yet. I am ready for the fight to save my marriage.

Get your war clothes on! There will be up days and down days.

Remind your wife of the good times, let her know that the times you shared with the OW can never, ever compare to the times you've spent with her. The OW can never have the memories that you and her share. Discuss some of those memories, go down memory lane.

Be patient, don't rush her and never say things like "my goodness, it's been 3 months, you're not over it yet".

deerhunter, are you not going to answer the questions?

I told a good friend all the details and another friend knows a little. She told my sister and one of her sisters. I believe she told a friend but I don't know in what details.

The last time there was contact between us was I emailed a quick email about 3 weeks ago, she replied on Saturday. I sent a final email Saturday night after admitting to my wife. That was it.

My wife was my email password, FB password, and all cell phone records.

deerhunter,

You've said you haven't contacted the OW in six months (except for via the Internet--when was that?)

But how long has it been since your wife found out about the affair? I'm guessing it's something less than 6 months ago.

See, you dropped an atomic bomb on your wife. There is NO WAY she will stop reeling for months. She's only recently learned that the life she was living with you was a LIE.

She will think back to things you said, did...vacations and family events...wondering "Was he sleeping with her then? Was he telling her he loved her? Was he telling her what a b**** I am?"

A BW (betrayed wife) is tormented with these things, as well as visions of her husband in bed with another woman---the mental pictures are horrible. We can't sleep, we can't eat, we can't think. No matter what we do, the pain will not go away, not even for a second.

It is impossible to convey the agony we feel...and watching our husbands behaving like everything is normal feels like still more cruelty.

I'm telling you this in hopes that you will see that you MUST apologize in very concrete terms--and often. Be sensitive to her pain and reassure her of your remorse--and MAKE AMENDS. Tell her all the steps you will take to make SURE this never happens again. Read up on "Extraordinary precautions." Here are a couple of biggies:

1. Complete transparency. She knows all your passwords for everything, and where you are every minute. She will ASSUME YOU'RE LYING OTHERWISE. After all, when she trusted you, you WERE lying!

2. NO "friendships" with other women--never be alone with one!


You can come up with more; so can your wife. There are a number of threads here that other men have put together and gotten help with from recovered WH's.


I agree wholeheartedly with whoever suggested a call to the MB coaching center. They are superb. If my FWH and I hadn't availed ourselves of it, we might not be married today. Jump starts the recovery process, and MUCH cheaper than divorce.

Recovery ain't easy, and it will take a long time--think a couple of years, not months. Are you up for it?

Ah, we were crossposting. You've had contact with this woman as recently as last Saturday? No wonder your wife is nuts.

Don't expect her to talk to you rationally right now. Don't even expect her to believe anything you say yet. It's what you do over the coming months (with little encouragement from her, most likely) that will give you hope of fixing what you've broken.

Order the book "Surviving An Affair" and get reading. Call the MB counseling center and make an appointment with Steve Harley. He's great at the first steps to getting a marriage marred by infidelity out of the ditch. DO IT.

Is OW married? If so does her H know of the A? Does your BW know of the contact on Sat and 3 weeks ago? What was the content in these emails? Please be specific; these things do matter to a BS.

I would recommend, you get tested for STDs ASAP. Don't ask your wife to make an appt for you. You make it and go. You don't even have to tell her that you are going or ask her about it, just go. When you get the results, give them to her so she can see them with her own eyes. You risked her health and should be willing to do this. It will also show her that you are being proactive and maybe thinking about the consequences of your A.

You say, you are no longer being dishonest, minimizing or being defensive. Given that Dday and contact was only days ago...you have a long, long way to go. You may very well be honest from here on in but your BW will not KNOW that. Be accountable for your time. If you are going to be late, call her. If you have a change in plans and aren't going to be where she thinks you are, call her. If you get any sort of contact from OW, call her (and keep any message, email, etc. so she can see/hear it.) Would exposure to parents or others help her deal with this so she has additional support? If there is an OWH, has she expressed anything about exposure to him?

You may feel you can ride out this rollercoaster but there will be days you get defensive that she is still asking you this or that, where you are, etc...you can not afford to get mad at her and will have to remind yourself why she is being this way. A few days is nothing. The way you speak to her is more important than what you say to her. If you tell her "sorry" but have an attitude when saying it, she won't care. You will need to keep yourself in check today, tomorrow, weeks and months from now. It will take YEARS for her to heal from your betrayal.