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ChaiLover #2357060 04/18/10 06:59 PM
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Thanks opt and Chai.

What I found terribly humorous is how my cousin seemed to think that Facebook could be "the answer" to my newly-single (well, in just over a week, anyway) status.

Not giving any thought to the distance between us, and the fact that there's been not even an introduction...

My cousin is a great woman, and I think her judgment about people is pretty good. But her concept of technology might leave a little to be desired...

wink


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There is a thread in the Divorced/Divorcing forum begun by CrushedJim. It's called, You Cannot Fix a Broken Spouse. I can so relate to his story -- most likely because his soon-to-be ex-wife and mine both seem to be afflicted with the condition known as Borderline Personality Disorder.

I know this is not a welcome topic to some on this board. Be that as it may, it sometimes results in the "gift that keeps on giving." And not in a pleasant way.

This past week, my neighbor who just received her real estate license came over to appraise my house, show me the comps and suggest some ways to stage and improve the place for the day I can sell it. During the course of our conversation, she told me some of the things The Leopard had said during the ladies' monthly Bunko game.

I don't need to go into specifics, but suffice it to say that The Leopard spewed an awful lot of lies and grandiosity. Why? Some of the stuff she said was completely unnecessary.

As I said, this is months since d-day and the obliteration of the dream that was my marriage. And I'm still learning that much of it was a sham and a lie. I keep getting reminded of that oft-quoted phrase from A.A.'s "Big Book:"

Quote
Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way.
Well, in some cases they weren't born that way, but became so traumatized in their youth that they adopted a life of lies and emotional immaturity.

In any event, it seems The Leopard is incapable of telling the truth even when to do so would be harmless or the easier way. I continue to be astounded and sorely disappointed to learn the woman I loved enough to want to spend the rest of my life with her is not and has not been the woman I thought she was!

CrushedJim is unfortunately correct: You Cannot Fix a Broken Spouse.


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Quote
I continue to be astounded and sorely disappointed to learn the woman I loved enough to want to spend the rest of my life with her is not and has not been the woman I thought she was!

60 minutes did a piece not too long ago about how everyone is capable of being swindled. Even, and especially those who would be most likely to NOT be swindled.

It is astounding no doubt. It's also disappointing. But Fred, don't be disappointed with yourself. Don't.

opt

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For the most part, opt, I'm not disappointed in myself. I do truly realize that I'm far better off without her, now that the truth is out in the open. Yes, it's sad that the dream has died, but that just means I can start to build new ones.

And not that this has any bearing on the previous paragraph, but my cousin wrote me back and said she had told her friend about me, too.

I still think this is a hilarious turn of events. But who knows? Maybe we'll turn into pen-pals or something (it may not seem that way to you or anyone else reading this, but I think that's terribly rotflmao )


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St. Francis of Assissi
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You may turn into pen pals! Stranger things have happened! I have actually become friendly with the OW's H (who divorced her over the A) and we even went to see our MC together! (My H was out of town, the OW's H wanted to meet with me and go over information, and our MC suggested I keep the regular appointment but with him in order to have a trained 3rd party there).

So now I have told people that I went to counseling with my husband's ex-girlfriend's ex-husband!


Me: BW, 46
Him: WH, 48
EA/PA with co-worker 8-08 to 7-09
D-day 7-29
NC 8-17
OW and WH both fired from jobs
OW lost court case for restraining order- judge called her a "practiced deciever" who manufactured evidence!!
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I was on the phone a while ago with a friend from this forum who was married and will shortly be divorced from a complete basket case. He has had a few dates and is astonished how pleasant it is to deal with someone who isn't certifiable. Or should I say diagnosable. smile

It has taken them two and a half years and a couple or three hundred thousand dollars to get to the divorce will be final in a week or so. frown

Larry

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Originally Posted by _Larry_
I was on the phone a while ago with a friend from this forum who was married and will shortly be divorced from a complete basket case. He has had a few dates and is astonished how pleasant it is to deal with someone who isn't certifiable. Or should I say diagnosable. smile
While I'm not (yet) in the dating game, just speaking with neighbors and other folks without drama is a refreshing change.

Originally Posted by _Larry_
It has taken them two and a half years and a couple or three hundred thousand dollars to get to the divorce will be final in a week or so. frown
Lordy!

In eight days (I have to check with my attorney to make sure we're on the docket) it will have been six months and three days, and probably just over $2,000 (that includes the charge to repossess the Jeep).


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*** Edit ***

Moved to the Divorcing/Divorced forum

Last edited by Fred_in_VA; 04/20/10 09:14 AM.

Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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I was asked to speak at an A.A. District Meeting tonight (a form of business meeting, for those of you not members). I decided to arrive early and attend a "regular" A.A. meeting held before.

As I walked into the plaza where the meetings were held, I spied The Leopard ambling about, chatting on her cell phone. My first reaction was to turn around and just return in an hour. But then I said to myself, "No. You have a reason to be here, if anyone is uncomfortable being in the same meeting, let it be her."

So I went in, greeted a few folks I knew, and had a seat. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted her enter the room, and saw that she saw me.

The meeting was held. She sat on the other side of the room, and our view of one another was blocked at times by the person sitting in front of me. Which was fine, as I didn't want to spend any more time looking in her direction than was necessary.

The few times I did notice her, she seemed dour, angry and unhappy. To be fair, I did see her laugh at something funny someone said, so it wasn't all gloom and doom.

For my part, I was dressed in a suit (funny how every time our paths have crossed I'm nicely put together), and enjoyed the meeting. I don't think I scowled or otherwise took on a negative demeanor -- I wasn't feeling in a negative mindset, anyway.

She evidently has found transportation, as I didn't see her in the company of anyone who looked like they were giving her a ride. After the meeting was over, we actually stood back to back outside, as each of us talked with other people. One of these, a woman who had been to our wedding reception, spied me, broke away from talking with her to come greet me and give me a hug.

When I was done talking with a sponsee, I headed back inside to uphold my service commitment. I saw no more of The Leopard from then on.

Interestingly, at the end, I came out of the meeting and ran into a woman who The Leopard had sponsored a few years ago. She asked me about her and I told her the news. While I wasn't completely dispassionate about everything, I did allow as to how this was beyond my control and that I just needed to look to the future for making the best of my life.

All in all, I consider this a major improvement. I won't say "victory," as nothing about this felt victorious. Rather, it felt almost empty. I have come to the realization that I am now at the same place she was months ago -- I have left this relationship and do not want any of it back. Live and let live, they say.

Pepperband said just what I needed to hear yesterday, in another thread in another forum: God's time, not your time. It has helped me focus on the fact that this is all God's plan, and I have to put it in God's hands.

My whole life has changed. It's changing still. I went to a luncheon with a neighbor and heard a speaker -- a chaplain -- talk about faith and evaluating your life. He said many of the things I've heard put into other words in A.A. meetings (Why not? A.A. got them all from the Book of James, the Sermon on the Mount and other Christian teachings) and I have come to realize that God isn't through with me yet. The dark days I have been experiencing for these past months won't last forever, and if I simply have faith, brighter days are up ahead.

In God's time, not mine.


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Fred
I hear you my friend. The melancholia sets in as the reality of the dream dieing takes hold. We can be as rational as we want, we can tell ourselves we are better off in our new situation, but our hearts still are wounded. It takes time to heal from the pain of separation and divorce. When I was at divorce care they suggest it can takes 1 year for every four years you were married. I am beginning to see the reality in this.

As men we are supposed to be tough and be able to overcome any obstacle or disappointment like a warrior, no looking back, take no prisoners, be tough, be a soldier. Hogwash. It hurts. John Wayne played a character in movies we were supposed to emulate. I think we have learned it is not healthy to try to emulate John Wayne's movie persona.

I have appreciated how you have expressed the feelings you have experienced when you are confronted with situations like you did tonight. I applaud how you are determined to become healthy. You are an encouragement to us so keep on posting Fred, you are helping me and others like me.

This is no easy journey. And it is in Gods time not our time.

Blessings
BCBoy

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Originally Posted by BCboy
I applaud how you are determined to become healthy. You are an encouragement to us so keep on posting Fred, you are helping me and others like me.

This is no easy journey. And it is in Gods time not our time.
Thank you, BCboy. I have backed away from trying to help others buy pointing them to Dr. Harley's articles and getting them to understand the concepts, mostly because it's not that I don't know them, but that there are others here who are much better able to annunciate them. Also, my situation was one where divorce was the correct answer, and that doesn't make me a prime mover for the principles of marriage building.

But I do think my experience can help others to realize that personal recovery is possible without regard to the outcome of surviving an affair.


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St. Francis of Assissi
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OK, folks. You asked for it.

Get ready.

Here it is (right-click and select "view image" if it's too large):

[Linked Image from mfna.org]


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St. Francis of Assissi
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Totally AWESOME!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!

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heh... first I have seen that...

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Love it!


Belle, Domestic Goddess
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grin

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Betcha THAT gets a lot of attention on the road... smile Woohoo, very cool.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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[Linked Image from cool-smileys.com]
[Linked Image from cool-smileys.com]

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Awesome!

Oh I'd pay good money to see WW's face when she sees this...

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Originally Posted by SidneyT
Oh I'd pay good money to see WW's face when she sees this...
My guess is that someone will tell her long before she sees it.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
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