Hi all, after trolling this board for awhile I think it�s high time that I ask for some insight from all of you.
Before I start, please excuse my lack of knowledge of the MB lexicon, I haven't yet been able to wrap my head around the vast acronymic content on this site, so please excuse my extended verbiage. But I will try to keep details to only what�s pertinent, and as you respond I�m sure my question will take greater shape.

So�..

Just so you have perspective on what I am about to write, I will start off first by say that I am the one that had the affair.

We are in the process of working with Steve in sessions and I am at the point where I am trying to make her see that it wasn�t her fault that I took the steps of having an affair. And it�s true, through a series of bad choices and poor defenses I put myself in a bad situation and planted roots in it, totally not her fault. The problem I�m having and the major stumbling block is the follow on conversations to that statement. The �why of the what� is where I don�t think Steve is intending me to go just yet, but it always seems to take that course.

Now don�t get me wrong, I take complete ownership of the fact that I did what I did and YES at some point we both have to understand how we got here and we all know it boils down to unmet EN�s (yes I get this much abbrv) on both sides. I think she also (for the most part) gets that too. I know it�s only natural to have anger and resentment at what I did. I GET THAT!

What I�m struggling with is my feelings and EN�s during these times. I feel like it�s all about my maximum accountability 24x7, walking on egg shells, dodging invisible triggers. A person can only take so many consecutive days of it and these days if I decide to give myself any mental space and take a time out from beating myself up, it�s labeled as giving up, denial, insensitivity, etc. It�s my opinion that it�s ok to just work on nurturing, having fun and trying to be normal for at least some parts of the day. Otherwise this is going to turn into a flameout of anger and blame and it�ll just be spinning wheels and getting nowhere.

I guess what I�m asking is how do I start incorporating normalcy into our lives? I know this is going to take years to heal, but this can�t be a punishment road, it just can�t. It�s like quicksand, we have to start shimmying out of it sometime or we�ll just sink. I just don�t know how anymore, everything I do just seem to be the wrong thing.

You should probably ask the mods to move this thread to Surviving an Affair. Just click notify at the bottom of your post to alert them.

Here are the standard questions to get folks started on advising:

1. How long married, any kids, ages?

2. How long since discovery day?

3. How long was the A, who was it with (no names needed, lol...advice is slightly different if it was your co-worker, your wife's sister, or some random chick you picked up trolling bars), has No Contact been established?

4. Did you get busted or did you confess?

Thanks,

I asked the Mods to move it.

Answers below:

1. 12.5 Years married, together 18. 3 Boys, 6, 3, and 4 months

2. 2 Months since full discovery day

3. Affair was approximately 3 months and with an old high school friend. No contact has been established.

4. I got busted and drug out the details over time until a full confession.


Also, the wife is almost crazily eager for me to begin posting here, I dont get this as it should be a resource for only if I have contributions or questions and this has been my first question not answered elsewhere..

Normalcy will never come back, hopefully. Because normalcy is what led to your affair. Most likely a lack of boundaries along with a lifestyle of transparency.

Your wife is going to be on life support for about 18 months. Adultery is that traumatic. It is right up there with rape and the death of a child. So, please understand this is not going to go away anytime soon.

That being said, your wife should not be doing things to "punish" you. You say you feel punished. Can you give specific examples of this? What is it that you are doing that is the "wrong thing" as you say?

And have you answered ALL of her questions truthfully and openly about the affair? How does your wife get assurance that contact has ended?

Will your wife come here so we can help her?

If your posting here makes her feel better, then I would do it! You do want her to feel better, right?

I am a BS and it has been almost 8 months since D-day and 7 since NC. My H is transparent, making changes, and trying to help me heal. We have a MC, he has an IC, and I have a wonderful support group. We are making progress. I finally believe, rather than just hope, that we will have a better M when this is all done. We have been through hell and back and are still dealing with fall out including being in court with the OW and financial problems due to his job loss. They were both fired.

Honestly, I have to tell you that there are still days I want to rip his face off. He took a sledgehammer to our life, my trust, our finances, our friends and family.

What wouldn't help me is if he were pushing me to heal on his timeline.

It's great you want to improve things. My advice is to read the MB links and books and work on you. Apply the concepts and try not to see if she is doing the same. Even if she isn't, keep working on yourself. Her recovery is not on the same timeline as yours but you will be able to help her if you apply the MB concepts.

I know you can be the husband she needs and the father your kids need!!

Hmm. There is no way PAST this at all. There is only a path THROUGH it - and it's a path you will be walking on for years. Don't be expecting normalacy any time soon. It's 2 months since she found out?

Seriously, I'm surprised she hasn't shot you yet - 2 months and things are still VERY RAW. It could be like this for at least another 4 months, perhaps longer.

No one here will sugest you need a break after 2 short months. That shows just how much you don't get it and are minimising your wife's pain. That won't work so good for you.

SoCal, you aren't telling her things like "get over it", are you?

You have all but killed your wife and you are standing over her bloodied and bruised body telling her to get up and just get on with it.

Welcome to MB. Yes, please continue posting and reading Dr. H's concepts. Counseling with Steve is a great start.

So, your A was during the pregnancy of your 4 month old? Your BW is dealing with this and her hormonal changes from childbirth/breast feeding? You are going to need an extra large dose of sensitivity, humility and compassion if this is the case. You betrayed your wife during a time that a woman feels unattractive and very vulnerable.

Welcome to MB.

I'll give you a couple of points, for counseling with the Harleys and posting.

Were you cheating on your wife while she was pregnant? OUCH!

Since you have known about the affair for around 6 months, it will take your wife at least that long to get her head around what happened. If she was carrying your child, maybe more time.

Was this a PA or EA? Is the OW married? If so, has someone exposed to her BH? Does the OW live nearby or was this long distance? Did you reconnect via Facebook or classmates?

Melody,

Maybe Normalcy is the wrong choice of words and trust me, I get the severity of it all. But the fact of the matter is we have kids, jobs and life in some manner has to go on if we are to work things out. Otherwise why not take the easy way out?

I'm trying to be as humble as possible, I get what I did. I wouldn�t call it punishment as much as lack of full disclosure. I need to know what I do or say that triggers emotions. I can tell when she has taken issue with what I've done or said and she's been triggered. I respect those feelings, I just hate being told nothing is wrong (lied to) and then ambushed with what the problem was at a convenient time. Because as much as I know this is traumatic to the BS, the WS also has issues and trials they need to work through, and at this stage in recovery the WS walks mainly alone and left to analyze internally. I know there is no right answer and I�m mostly saying this to vent. But yes, if I walk the minefield wrong, it�s an AO or some other reaction. I just want her to know; she�s not the only one felling like s!@t about this. I find that the daily shame and self loathing nearly consumes me at times and that is a horrible place to be especially for us that have strayed that really don�t have any support network.
I�ve been totally truthful to her and there isn�t anything I haven�t revealed warts and all. The contact has been broken off, my life is transparent now. She has all passwords; accounts etc and I have terminated or changed all former ones. My life�s an open book these days, so she should have little to worry about, as she audits me regularly.
She reads this site and posts to an invite board that�s out there, so she�s getting help from you guys out there.

Thanks for your insight.

You really think D is the "easy" way out? For whom? Your 3 kids? Your BW? You? How about none of the above.

Welcome to MB.....

How many DAYS has it been since the first day of NC?

How many couseling sessions have you had with Steve?

What assignments have you received thus far?

What books of Dr. H's have you read so far and which ones?

1. Taking the easy way out is not the easy way. You tried that already. That's what As are.
2. She may not be able to tell you what you do or say that triggers. She is still learning, too. She is at the mercy of awful triggers and they are there because of what YOU did. She is dealing with consequences of YOUR behavior.
3. Please give her the gift of time. She is going to need a lot of time. It takes trust to confide your triggers and feelings in anyone, and you are the person who violated her trust.

Have you asked her to fill out the ENs questionaire? Are you working to meet her ENs, even if she is not meeting yours right now? That would be a good place to start and a good way to start making some deposits in her love bank.

Wait a minute here. Your "issues" are irrelevant in the face of your bleeding victim on the floor. You volunteered for this, she didn't. What is important now is that you get life support to your victim. Your need to stop focusing on yourself and help your victim get through this.

THAT is the only way she is going to recover. You need to do whatever it takes to help her recover from the knife you plunged in her back.

While she isn't the only one suffering, she had no choice. You and the OW took care of that.

Yes, walking away is the cowardly easy way out. D is definately easier, much more damaging in the long run, but hell yes. It takes much more effort to repair and fortify than to tear down and replace.

The shame SHOULD consume you. You SHOULD be ashamed. You deserve that, she doesn't. You will have to MAN UP and take it like a man. See, when you stab someone in the back, they have a tendency to scream. You will have to tolerate her screaming for awhile. Either that or kick her in the teeth again to silence her.