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#2362501 - 04/26/10 03:42 PM Me the Codependent Just Filed for Divorce
thehurting Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/26/10
Posts: 11

My wife has struggled with anxiety most of her life. She got treated for this condition when it became crippling and she was prescribed Paxil. Soon after the anxiety was gone but she went through a pretty dramatic transformation. She started drinking way too much, acting like a teenager, wearing very revealing clothing and just needed attention from everyone but mostly men. She claimed she was having a mid life crisis and I became the boring husband.

Her entire family was very concerned for her as they were seeing a new person that they had not known and the drinking was obviously a problem. I tried to be as supportive as I could, I took on most of the child duties and let her go out and be wild and crazy with her girlfriends and tried not to comment too much on the drinking.

This continued for about 2 years until she decided to have an affair with both of her bosses and carry on the affair with one of them for 6 months. Soon after I found out, I realized that I had no say in what was going to happen with our 11 year marriage and family. She said she is going to do whatever the hell she wants and now is the time she starts living for her and not anyone else.

I was deemed the parent figure and she was rebelling against this with every opportunity. I was even given an ultimatum that either I allow her to start dating other people for 3 months and then see if she wanted to come back to the marriage or I had to divorce her. Hence the divorce.

I was able to hang on for about two months in limbo while she was trying to figure out if she wanted to stay married but she has taken this whole thing to another level, dating on the internet and continuing to try and contact her old affair partners. I even became the "other" man that she used to make some of the other guys jealous.

I was willing, in true co-dependent fashion, to offer full forgiveness for the previous affairs if she would just put one tiny bit of effort into rebuilding our marriage.

I can't help but to think that my co-dependence exacerbated the entire issue from start to finish and that if I became just as selfish, my marriage would have stood a chance. I think somewhere along the line she lost total respect for me for being so dedicated to the marriage and she used this to walk all over me, humiliate me and use me as a pawn.

I swear, before the Paxil and the crippling anxiety, we had a very good marriage. We were high school sweethearts and knew each other for 20 years. If there was any two people that were soul-mates it was us until the anxiety/paxil treatment.

Now I am trying to pick up the pieces during this 60 day waiting period prior to divorce finalization and start a new life without her.

She has seemed to become a borderline sociopath as she shows almost no emotion and can even walk around singing while we are discussing our divorce and child custody. She admitted that she it has become so easy to lie and cheat on me that there is very little chance that this would stop if she came back into the marriage. She has also become very self image obsessed and when I do see her, she flirts and tries to get me to show her that I am still attracted to her.

I wish there was a Paxil intervention program as I think her whole family would be on board.

So sad.

Edited by thehurting (04/26/10 03:48 PM)

#2365852 - 05/01/10 01:09 AM Re: Me the Codependent Just Filed for Divorce [Re: thehurting]
Revera Offline

Registered: 04/21/08
Posts: 920
moved from other forum.

#2365855 - 05/01/10 02:48 AM Re: Me the Codependent Just Filed for Divorce [Re: Revera]
karmasrose Offline

Registered: 06/06/08
Posts: 3686
Loc: Ankh-Morpork
I think you finally got a pair and did what you had to do. Props to you; many BHs seem to have your same problem; and are afraid of what doing the heavy lifting might mean (exposure, etc).

Go VERY DARK. Once the divorce is over let her know (or let her know now!) that you will no longer have contact with her. (Even with children this is possible, save for something EXTREME such as a horrific car crash).

This will no doubt cause her to wail that she'll do anything to get you back. Search for abandonedwith3 (username)'s thread to see how this happened. He had the same sort of WW you seemed to have, and she went apesh@$ when she figured out he wasn't going to take the bait. IGNORE this wailing of hers, it WILL come when she realizes she no longer "controls" you like she wanted to.

Women cannot love men they cannot respect. In your next relationship, should there be one, you MUST maintain your boundaries and let her know what you will not tolerate (infidelity; etc). That's not control, that's boundary. For example, say I was to date you (which is VERY unlikely, we're probably states away and this is for example only).

If you were to let me walk all over you I would not consider you good marriage material. This is because I wouldn't respect you--every woman wants a man who is firm in his own beliefs, but willing to share with hers. But if you required me to participate in POJA (policy of joint agreement) then I would say 'Ah, this is good, he is treating both our ideas as valid.'

Food for thought for your future relationships. Don't let women walk all over you, but don't let your crazy WW color your vision of women, either.

You are going to get through this and once you are on the other side you're going to wonder why you ever thought YOU were getting the raw end of the bargain.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.

#2367343 - 05/04/10 10:06 AM Re: Me the Codependent Just Filed for Divorce [Re: karmasrose]
thehurting Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/26/10
Posts: 11
Yeah, I already brought of the fact early on when we separated that I could no longer even be friends with her and that she would have to pick our son up and drop him off on my doorstep without any time to talk to me unless it related to our son.

You are correct, she lost it and wailed and it was one of the few times that I had seen her cry in all of this. I probably will go very low profile after the divorce and not sit around and share with her what I am doing nor ask about her life at all. Just trade our time with our son and live my life.

She is a total mess and is very desperate for attention right now. Her new boyfriend stopped sending her 40 texts a day and she was distraught about it and shopping around for another man online. She cannot be alone and it is killing her every night that she does not have a man around or if she is not being the full attention of someone.

Just last week she thought I was going out on a date and proceeded to call me a bunch of times to find out what I was doing. I of course found this flattering but I need to be very careful. The most important thing to do now is to make sure she does not try to come back and to make it past divorce finalization.

The worst thing ever would be living a life with someone that is capable of what she has done and feeling fear and anxiety because of it hoping that it will not happen again.

I believe I have strengthened my armor to defend against her next advances.

Edited by thehurting (05/04/10 10:08 AM)

#2367387 - 05/04/10 11:09 AM Re: Me the Codependent Just Filed for Divorce [Re: thehurting]
MrWondering Offline

Registered: 10/12/05
Posts: 6016
Loc: USA
Did you move out upon seperation?

This sounds very much like Paxil induced pyschosis.

I googled such and came up with this study (large file).

Antidepressant-Associated Mania and Psychosis Resulting in Psychiatric Admissions

This woman sounds like she needs HELP more than a divorce. You AND her family should consider having her admitted to a mental hospital to get off Paxil. It will likely have to be an involuntary admission because your wife THINKS she feels great (which is a side effect of Paxil).

Some Dr. keeps refilling the prescription...have YOU spoken with him about her side effects. Sure she could Dr. shop...but what have you done in consideration that you can SEE that Paxil has effected her and your family adversely.

Mr. W
FBH(me)-47 FWW-44 still (MrsWondering)
DD14 Dday-2005-Recovered
the_wonderings@yahoo.com (listed by permission)

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.

#2367439 - 05/04/10 12:01 PM Re: Me the Codependent Just Filed for Divorce [Re: MrWondering]
bea16 Offline

Registered: 10/27/08
Posts: 115
The link doesn't work for me.

My FWH was on and off Paxil for a number of years. He was supposed to be on it the entire time, but whenever he got lazy about taking it, he really struggled, and as a result, our M did too.

In 2006 or so, H started taking Straterra, another SSRI, for his ADD along with Paxil for depression. About six months later he told me that the Straterra was making him feel an urge to cheat on me. A few months after this he switched from Straterra to Adderall, which is an amphetamine. He became manic and our M went downhill fast. Four or five months after that, he switched from Paxil to Prozac. We were aware that the Paxil withdrawal could cause serious problems, and we saw it on a daily basis. He begged me to stand by him and to weather the storm. I did, but unbeknownst to me, he started cheating.

I always felt the various meds and the changes played a role in his psychological crisis. He felt it was a midlife crisis.

Today, he is very stable on a combination of Adderall and Prozac. Personally, I feel the Adderall does as much to lift his mood, if not more, than the Prozac. I've wondered whether he would be better off stopping the anti-depressant completely.

Me BW 48
FWH 49
D-days: too many to keep track of, but last one on 4/3/10


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