|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 860
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 860 |
To be honest, I had another movie reference in mind, and it probably would not have come as a surprise, but I kind of like this one.....
I have decided it's time to make a new home for myself. I know I have a lot more miles ahead of me, and I guess I still want to share the experiences that lie ahead -- albeit in a much more opaque fashion.....
My most important priority last week was stopping the leak, so to speak. I guess you could say that my thread had become the literary equivalent of that oil rig in the Gulf -- except my particular situation dealt with something a bit more personal than crude. Thankfully, my leak has been capped....
So I have decided to start anew and leave the road traveled up to this point out of the public arena.
Where am I today? Well, I haven't talked to Skatt in 8 days. Can you believe it? Frankly, I am quite content to see that number grow exponentially. A brief text exchange regarding the boys' whereabouts on Wednesday. A very impersonal e-mail exchange regarding one of TB_11's grades on Thursday.
She just texted saying "I am available 2 take boys 2nite if needed." I did not respond. She is not needed. She hasn't had the boys since Thursday night. I guess she saw them briefly after school on Friday. I did not respond.
I think that whole 'fantasy divorce' thing is percolating a bit. She wants the boys now because it works for HER. Therefore, she makes herself AVAILABLE. Parenting by proxy, I guess.....
She did talk to TB_8 and probably TB_11 as well about my convo with them (Monday night). TB_8 said she told him she doesn't have a boyfriend and this person is just someone "who is nice to her." Great one, huh? You know, there's been a whole heck of a lot of MB pals out there who have been "nice to me", but they're not.......Well, consider this self-editing. TB_8 said he is not sure which grown-up to believe. That makes me both sad and angry ('Sangry'???) She also said she couldn't bring the boys here to the house when she has them because "Mom and Dad are arguing and fighting too much."
No longer checking The Pig's blog or the e-mail. All it would do would be to coax me into looking behind me. I want to keep looking ahead.
I have a referral for a guy to come over and do some work on the place. I need to go shopping for some artwork to hang on the walls where stuff has been removed.
I'm just driving and it feels good. I do think about her and the past from time to time -- sorry Scottie, no loonie bin for TBC although I was certainly close to being worthy of visiting one -- but I just refocus on the possibilities that lie down the road. I am free of the toxicity of her world, and I have my priorities clearly in view. And the reality of MY world now is that the term, 'priority' no longer applies to her.
Thanks,
TBC
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772 |
TB_8 said she told him she doesn't have a boyfriend and this person is just someone "who is nice to her. Can we cue the foghorns?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834 |
Darn....
I wanted to be....
FIRST
Oh well.
LG
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834 |
TBC: This line: TB_8 said he is not sure which grown-up to believe Which "grown-up" to believe? The one who will still be around. And the one, YOU, who will in an age appropriate and as needed reveal the info that the boys ned to know when then need to know it. You sound good. LG
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772 |
Darn....
I wanted to be....
FIRST
Oh well.
LG You only had 4 hours!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 860
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 860 |
Good thing I put a new thread together.......
TB_11 needs school pants and they're all at POSA. TB_11 calls to let Skatt know. She volunteers to drop off a pair. I see her pull up and go to the garage to put some laundry into the washer -- just in case she comes into the house. I finally go back into the house and she's there. I ignore her until she finds me and says she'll have her stuff out of here this week. She said I must have merely said those things to her in anger, but if not, she'll get a restraining order for her stuff.
Ah, the joys of divorcing a first year law student. I say this week is fine. She tries to start into me and I just reiterate that this week is fine. She starts to leave, and then I think I better clarify. So I go outside and say that if it's a marital asset, it has to be included in the settlement. She says, "What's a marital asset?" Ain't she a keeper????
She says there no rush getting the stuff out of there except for the fact that I threatened to throw it out. She says I should find better ways to deal with my anger. I say, "Well, gee, Skatt, do you expect me to be doin' cartwheels down the street upon hearing that you're shtoopin' The Pig?"
She replies, "You see, you just ran with that. You asked if we had ever has SF, and I said yes. He's not my boyfriend." I say, "Great! That's even better. You're shtoopin' the guy and he's not even a boyfriend!"
Then TB_8 came out and he didn't want her to leave. I go back inside and he finally comes back into the house. Then I get the pleasure of calming him down.
I just HAD to go and jinx myself. I had a great run of EIGHT wondeful Skatt-free days. And I just HAD to go and open my mouth. Or keyboard. You get where I'm going.
I tried to avoid her. I really did. I love that. A restraining order against me to protect her stuff. Maybe her tea sets can testify that I threatened to put lukewarm water in them.
I can't get this nut-job out of my life soon enough.....
TBC
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686 |
Boy was she mad that you saw right through her...she must think you are stupid or something.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 4,554 |
She did talk to TB_8 and probably TB_11 as well about my convo with them (Monday night). TB_8 said she told him she doesn't have a boyfriend and this person is just someone "who is nice to her." More proof IMO that exposure should be done as early as possible and without warning . Gives the WS less time to come up with "spins" like this one.
ManInMotion
===========
(see "MiM's Story" for more details)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 634
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 634 |
First and foremost let me just say GO BLACKHAWKS!!!! Woo hoo!!
I love the new thread title. Amazing just how well it fits especially after that last run-in with Skatt. I'm always amazed by just how warped and entitled the wayward mind can be. Nuts!!!
So...when is that next mediation appointment?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834 |
Darn....
I wanted to be....
FIRST
Oh well.
LG You only had 4 hours! WWEEELLLL, I was golfing... and that was the only time I was on MB on Sunday. I find his thread, read it, note that 71 have LOOKED, but none have posted...and then.... I go to log in... And guess who jumped in FIRST! OH. Yes, you did. Karma something... LG
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834 |
TBC: This is where you had the problem: Ah, the joys of divorcing a first year law student. That she IS, but she is still just wayward. You don't think that a wayward with an IQ of 15 couldn't have come up with that? Do not give her more credit becasue she is in law school. Send her a nice polite letter. Para #1: You claim to have filed for D on May xx, and as such, I asked you to remove ASAP those items of personal property that you would like to have from my Home. As of today, you have failed to remove the majority of items. Para #2: When you arrived at MY home today, you presumed to use items of personal property that you no longer have any claim to, nor right to use. Please refrain from entering MY Home, and return all keys and or devices used to enter the home. I will be providing TB8 and TB11 with the necessary keys to enter THIER home. Para #3: When you were here, in an unlawful manner, this past weekend, you made a claim that you would "file a restraining order" to secure your property on MY premises. Please do not make idle legal threats. You have filed to dissolve this marriage and have moved out of the marital home, and I have made it possible and have encouraged you to remove your personal property for the past several months. You have failed to remove said property. I simply request that you remove all such personal property ASAP. Para #4: There may be items of Personal Property that you may be expecting to take from the marital home that may be required to be adjudicated by the external mediator, and by extension, between the two of us. Please provide ASAP a listing of those items that you wish to remove from the martial home to insure that we are in agreement, and if there are items that need to be decided by the judical system, that those items remain in the marital home until a equitable agreement is reached. Para #5: Since you have filed for D, and if you refain from providing a listing of the personal property that you would like to remove, and if you do not make further attepts to remove personal property, I will consider those items still left in the marital home after May 31st, 2010, to be considered my property, and to be disposed, stored, or transferred as I deem appropriate. In conclusion, please remove, and or provide a listing of what items you would like from the home by May 31st, 2010. I will insure that all listed items will be cared for and maintained until you remove them in the next week. If there are items of marital property that may be in dispute, I will clearly segregate those items for resolution when that time comes. Your Husband, TBC LG
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 860
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 860 |
More proof IMO that exposure should be done as early as possible and without warning . Gives the WS less time to come up with "spins" like this one. TBC_8 doesn't really remember me saying anything to him when Skatt moved out, but TBC_11 DOES remember what he and I discussed way back when. And he knows the real deal. And that is just one of many consequences of her actions. Others know the real deal (ie. MIL and boys' godmother, neighbors, close friends from hockey team, etc.), and have been very supportive of me. I will retreat from any additional engagement with her. I will be calling the mediator in order to get a first-hand account of the status, find out next steps, and continue moving forward. I do have to establish a workable arrangement for the boys during their summer break. I need to get some degree of certainty regarding the support number she gave me a few weeks ago. I might have to engage her -- via e-mail of course -- but will do that in a completely impersonal manner. Just a little unplanned pitstop. Doesn't affect where I am going. I'm just getting back into that proverbial convertible and pulling back onto the highway. Gee, I wonder what the top speed of this thing is???? TBC
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772 |
WWEEELLLL, I was golfing... and that was the only time I was on MB on Sunday.
I find his thread, read it, note that 71 have LOOKED, but none have posted...and then.... I go to log in...
And guess who jumped in FIRST! OH. Yes, you did.
Karma something...
LG Excuses, excuses. I was on a girl scout mother/daughter camp out all weekend and got home mid-day Sunday. House was trashed because husband and son had about 24 hours to themselves. Cleaned up kitchen, did laundry, went to the grocery store, cleaned and put away camping gear, showered, went to Mass with family, played crocquet with H and daughter while dinner was grilling, ate dinner, went out for ice cream with husband and kids, put daughter to bed, got on computer and saw TBC's thread and replied. So, I'm not buyin' the story you're sellin'!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 860
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 860 |
Great letter, LG.
It will be sent to her today.
TBC
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 3,772 |
TBC: This is where you had the problem: Ah, the joys of divorcing a first year law student. That she IS, but she is still just wayward. You don't think that a wayward with an IQ of 15 couldn't have come up with that? Do not give her more credit becasue she is in law school. Send her a nice polite letter. Para #1: You claim to have filed for D on May xx, and as such, I asked you to remove ASAP those items of personal property that you would like to have from my Home. As of today, you have failed to remove the majority of items. Para #2: When you arrived at MY home today, you presumed to use items of personal property that you no longer have any claim to, nor right to use. Please refrain from entering MY Home, and return all keys and or devices used to enter the home. I will be providing TB8 and TB11 with the necessary keys to enter THIER home. Para #3: When you were here, in an unlawful manner, this past weekend, you made a claim that you would "file a restraining order" to secure your property on MY premises. Please do not make idle legal threats. You have filed to dissolve this marriage and have moved out of the marital home, and I have made it possible and have encouraged you to remove your personal property for the past several months. You have failed to remove said property. I simply request that you remove all such personal property ASAP. Para #4: There may be items of Personal Property that you may be expecting to take from the marital home that may be required to be adjudicated by the external mediator, and by extension, between the two of us. Please provide ASAP a listing of those items that you wish to remove from the martial home to insure that we are in agreement, and if there are items that need to be decided by the judical system, that those items remain in the marital home until a equitable agreement is reached. Para #5: Since you have filed for D, and if you refain from providing a listing of the personal property that you would like to remove, and if you do not make further attepts to remove personal property, I will consider those items still left in the marital home after May 31st, 2010, to be considered my property, and to be disposed, stored, or transferred as I deem appropriate. In conclusion, please remove, and or provide a listing of what items you would like from the home by May 31st, 2010. I will insure that all listed items will be cared for and maintained until you remove them in the next week. If there are items of marital property that may be in dispute, I will clearly segregate those items for resolution when that time comes. Your Husband, TBC LG PERFECT! TBC....copy and paste! ETA: Just read your reply, above. Cool! Yes, it should answer the questions she raised and leave you well protected.
Last edited by OurHouse; 05/24/10 08:55 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834 |
Well, he can run the spell check on it...
LG
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834 |
TB: Schoolbus just posted this to Hope-Eternal. I think it applies to both boys. TB11 seems to understand, but you have to work with TB8 a little more. This may be a template for doing that. You have been doing great in many ways, but we are here to learn. And I thought this was great! Your comment about your WH wanting to be "in control" of everything right now is really correct. He is working on the weakest link in the chain - your 14 year old. It is not a surprise to me that he is doing this. He understands teenagers, and knows that they tend to support the person they perceive as the underdog, or the person they believe to be "seeking their happiness". Chances are he has positioned himself with her as both of these - to embolden his stance and to get her on "his side". He is a pig, because he is manipulating her and HE KNOWS IT.
The way to fight this is with questions back to her.
When she comes to you standing up for him, do not fight or argue with her. Only ask her questions, and when she responds, don't argue - just nod your head and say things like, "I see" or "Maybe your perceptions are missing another point of view". Say nothing more, and do not engage her in any discussions regarding what she believes as her dad's needs or wants.
Your questions should be open-ended, and allow for her to state what she things aloud - because teens have a need to express ideas and hear their own opinions on things from their own mouths. Additionally, they want to be "heard", not corrected, guided, lectured, etc. If you present her with this open forum type of systematic listening, she will ultimately hear herself arguing "the wrong side"....and come to understand - without any help from anyone else - exactly what her father is doing and why it is wrong. You do not need to guide her, lecture her, or even stand your ground. It will amaze you.
When she stands up for him and chastises you for doing anything through this process, or criticises your stance:
Questions to ask sound like this...
I hear your disagreement with my approach. What would your approach be?
I understand you believe he is pursuing his happiness (or whatever the soup of the day is!), what do you believe happiness to be?
You're telling me that you believe it was incorrect for me to _____. Maybe you have heard of other ways to do this, and would like to offer me a suggestion for another way. Tell me your idea so I can hear what you have to say.
I can tell you are upset about ________. I want to know your ideas on what might repair things, or ways to better handle this situation.
After she responds, you only say things like:
Hmmmm.
I understand why you believe that.
Your life experience would probably lead you to believe that, so I do understand where you are coming from.
Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. I guess we just disagree on this one.
I know that for now you are torn between me and dad. I love you, and at some point maybe you will want to hear why I feel the way I do. For now, I am happy you were able to share your feelings and ideas with me.
Don't engage in useless fighting with her. Everything you say and do goes straight back to him, and IT WILL BE TWISTED. Guaranteed. During your Plan B, you can actually Plan A him by being a terrific mother, and by working as strongly and lovingly as you can with your kids, and fighting to love DD14 through this mess and his terrible influence.
She will ultimately thank you for it.
And yes, I know, it is just one more stressful job to do - that you never would have had to do if not for his affair.
SB
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 860
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 860 |
Well, he can run the spell check on it...
LG Yes, the document was subjected to the rigorous TBC editing process. And I added a few other odds and ends that needed to be addressed. It has been sent. And I forwarded the appraisal to her as well. A lot of this stuff sucks big-time, BUT every one of these tasks which is completed represents one step CLOSER to being free and clear from her skewed and demented mindset. The fact of the matter is that I cannot get to where I want to go -- where I NEED to go -- without hammering through this stuff. Makes me wonder how long MY rock hammer will last? (Couldn't resist the subtle movie reference there.....) TBC
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 634
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 634 |
No worries TBC. You've got the patience and intestinal fortitude of Andy Dufresne. Your hammer will hold out just fine. Actually, it's that final burst to freedom....when you have to crawl through the pipe that's nasty.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 860
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 860 |
Been waiting for SoL to chime in but I have to get an update out there.
Checked the e-mail and it seems like my two e-mails are being used against me. Seems like she is circulating them and having her attorney "add them to the file". Not good. You guys read them.
When she came to the house a little over a week ago, she stayed at the door but then eventually came into the house. I immediately walked outside and didn't say A WORD. She told someone that I said "Get out of my house NOW!" Lies, lies, lies.....
She is telling folks that she is scared to be around me; says this is what the last couple years have been like. More lies, lies, lies.
I wasn't going to check, but I'm glad I did. This may be a response to me letting it be known that she is having an affair. Her response seems to be that I am a dangerous ogre....
Might be time to ditch the whole mediation thing and just go the traditional lawyer route......
She is BAD NEWS. No more e-mail. I think I need to steer WAY CLEAR of her.
This is not good.
TBC
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
612
guests, and
54
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
