Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
I found out my husband was having an affair in late March; literally hours after he had supposedly ended it. Thus far, I have been unable to find any contact between them since that day, (including email, texting, phone, ect.) The following week we were in counseling together.

As I stated before, I have been unable to find any contact between them, and he repeatedly tells me it is over. His computers were removed the night of discovery, so only my laptop is available in our house. His phone is now under my name so I have complete access to phone records and texting has been turned OFF (I hated it before, Now I think it should be illegal.) This should have sparked an argument, instead all he asked is that I put his laptop in a plastic bag to prevent dust from damaging it.

He has given me access to his emails and voice mail. He has deleted his Myspace and facebook pages; we have a joint FB page now. He has agreed to purchase accountability software for his computers before they come back. And once they come back into the house, he has agreed to erase everything on them and re-install needed programs only.

I have even suggested that he should stop being friends with some people because I felt he had the tendency to share intimate conversations with them, and I felt that tendency is what contributed to his affair. He agreed to that with out a negative comment. The reason this bothers me is that I asked him early in our relationship to stop bringing a guy friend around (That guy was a jerk) and he went off that I had no say so in who he was friends with.

He is agreeing to all the steps I have suggested. It seems too easy, no fighting about it at all. What am I missing? I want to believe that he truly wants to reconcile, but I still do not trust what he tells me.

Can anyone give me any insight here?


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
Well it does sound like this is just to easy.....maybe he is scared of losing you and your marriage that he has awaken from his affair thinking.....
Just keep your eyes open and keep checking up on him and be thankful it is so easy to get him back on board.....
It isn't easy for some of us....and remember you probably won't believe him for a long while and that is okay, total trust probably enabled him to go about his affair any way......having him think he now needs to be accountable is a good thing.....


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
Does this sound like someone who is really wanting to reconcile? or does it sound like someone who is hiding to keep me off scent?

I am so confused.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Originally Posted By: ElunaInNC
Does this sound like someone who is really wanting to reconcile? or does it sound like someone who is hiding to keep me off scent?

I am so confused.


He sounds sincere, but that means little at this point. His actions over time will determine his sincerity.

You need to do whatever it takes to regain some semblance of security with him. That means snooping to confirm NC. A keylogger is a good tool in this case. It will record all of his actions on the computer so you can confirm that he doesn't have any secret email addresses or a secret FB page, etc. Google 'eblaster'. I wouldn't let him put anything on his computer by himself. You need to do that.

It probably wouldn't hurt to hide a VAR in his car to record anything said while he 'thinks' he's in it alone.

Check his belongings to make sure he doesn't have a second cell phone. Golf bags and gym bags are typical hiding places for those, as well as the trunk or glove compartment of his car.

If he is truly repentent and there is NC, these things will show you nothing. It's worth it for you, though, to be very clear on that.

Are you working the MB plan to recover your M?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Well if he is giving up his computer, cell phone, email passwords, and deleted his FB and MS then I think you are very very lucky, but I agree with MB, keep your guard up, and find out for sure that he has ended all contact with the OW.

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 52
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 52
I went through the same thing with my FWH. He agreed with everything. I will say this. From my own experience, my FWH was essentially sincere in wanting to reconcile and work on our M. However, I realized later on that he wasn't really on board with alot of the "repair" work that we were doing. And that he only agreed with everything because he was afraid of losing me. I agree with marital that you need to be vigilent in snooping to be sure that he is truly sincere. I would also advise that when you launch your plan of recovery that you do your best not to be the one calling all the shots. You need to be sure that he has an equal say in how to go about recovery. If he doesn't volunteer information, question, but don't make suggestions. MY FWH agreed with everything I said simply to make all the bad feelings "go away" and even though he was sincere in recovery, it came out later on how unhappy he still was with our M and the way we do things.

Hope this helps.


Me-FWW/BW
Him-FWH/BH
DS-7
D-Month for me 01/08
D-Month for him 09/08
Plan B-Fall 2010
Currently in recovery
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
No golf bags, no gym bags, but I have not thought of checking the car thoroughly.

I am currently reading Surviving an Affair. He is currently ready His Needs Her Needs. I am trying to implement as much MB as I can, although I have just arrived here. Most of the recommendations I had already done on pure instinct, including exposing the EA, told his mother right in front of him.

He is currently eluding that he is going to tell his boss about the affair just so he understands the excessive contact he and I have been having (OW was an old high school friend, so no worries about her being a co-worker). Although he has already informed him that we are having marriage problems and trying to work through them. Boss a big family man.

We have began talking about creating a marriage contract, to include things we can both agree on. I have begun my list and asked him to consider writing his list. Currently only one item has been settled: Computers are not allowed back without accountability software on them. Period! End of Discussion!

I am currently talking to him to find out what he actually got out of the affair. What needs did she fill that I was not at the time. Then I am taking that information and looking at why I was not filling that need during that time.

A lot of what I have seen has to do with communication issues from the beginning of our marriage, and the added strain on the marriage from having a new postpartum mommy and a new baby. I try to sit down and talk with him each day, although our almost two-year old does find issue with this. But we are continuing to try.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
Sounds like you guys are actually working together smile And that my friend is very big, usually the WS is angry and upset. So for him acting this way is great! Action speaks louder than words, during this recovery I highly suggest you keep snooping, just so it can be a peace to you that he is keeping his word. I asked my husband last night if he still checks my phone and he said "yes" I gave him a BIG hug and a kiss, letting him know that I am grateful that he is still on the guard I do not want him to stop, EVER!

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370
Y
YEG Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Y
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 370
Im a newbie.

I can tell you though that all the words my WW spouts at me are essentially meaningless. I want to believe her but I know I cant. The KL and GPS I have DO give me something.

Peace of mind.

I dont have to sweat what she is doing while im at work. They keep down my anxiety and lets me have some semblance of a normal supply.

Keep up th


(ME) BS - 33YO
(HER) WW - 32YO
Married 7 years
DD5
D-Day - 5/1/10 (PA)
Exposure 5/7/10
Plan A 5/7/10 -
Plan B or Recovery on 7-1-10 Its in her court ATM
My thread
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
Sounds like you are doing great. Let him know how this affair has hurt you, and that you may take a little time to heal from it. Everything you are doing sounds great. I would suggest putting in that contract, if you havent already, is to spend 20+ hours a week of UA until you fall in love, then 15+ hours a week to stay in love. Fill out those questionairs at the end of HNHN, and read Love Busters and fill out the questionaire.

His actions may be sincere, like my FWW SapphireReturns, she left after exposure on her own accord. 6 hours after her plane touched down in denver she really began to miss me and had a sincere change of heart. It took me about 2 weeks to let her come home, because I knew that I can't work on my marriage without her, and I missed her. She has not tried anything fishy since that happened 3 months ago, but I still snoop on her and she knows it. I want to trust her, but theres a little pice of me that says be vigilant in identifying anything that might be out of place.

Its wonderful if he really is doing these things, and I love that you are using this good moment to try to fix your marriage. Of course there will be a lot of wierd set backs at the beginning, but it gets easier over time.

Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 614
It does sound easy, but if he is sincere you will be able to determine that over time.
Unfortunately in this day there are ways around the NC he has promised you.
Here are some of the things my WH did:
Wrote and sent letter of NC - NC lasted 3 days
The cell phone in which I had access to the account would be set out for me to see; however he had prepaid cell phones that he gave to POSOW and also went and got an additional cell phone in his own account that he hid from me for a long time.
He deleted his FB account, but simply re-activated it later.
He had various personal email addresses that I was unaware of.
Be wary of how he accounts for his time.

Snoop, snoop, snoop - and always verify. I did a keylogger on the computer, that was the best way for me to verify what was going on.

I hate to sound so cynical, but that was my experience.

Hopefully your H got scared and wants to recover marriage, I recommend counseling with the Harley's. They can help you determine the best course of action and help determine if your H is sincere.


Me:BW
Dday:12/31/09-Found MB 01/03/10
3DstepChildren24&20
PlanA:01/03/10
PlanB:03/25/10
D final 11/15/10

"I dare you to find some time and some place to be silent for longer than usual; a few moments, a few minutes, a few hours. Listen to your heart, listen to your soul; and most importantly, listen to the silence to see what it sounds like and how it speaks to you."
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 533
I guess one of the best ways to tell that he is being honest is the way he is acting.

Does he act short or angry with you still?
Does he have unaccounted time?
Does he leave the room often, and disappear for a few minutes at a time?
Does he contact her at work using a new FB, or email account? His boss may be able to help on this.
Does he talk admirably about the OW? (like she is such a good person she wouldnt do that....blech)

There are signs and red flags that will still announce that he is still in an affiar even if he did do all those things. Still use this time when he is willing to work on the marriage to work on the marriage. Show him you do care about him.

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 1,879
^aww...that's my hubby!

Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
Originally Posted By: Wheels_spinning
I guess one of the best ways to tell that he is being honest is the way he is acting.

Does he act short or angry with you still?
Does he have unaccounted time?
Does he leave the room often, and disappear for a few minutes at a time?
Does he contact her at work using a new FB, or email account? His boss may be able to help on this.
Does he talk admirably about the OW? (like she is such a good person she wouldnt do that....blech)


Short or Angry: Not really. He seems to vary between depressed and happy.

Unaccounted time: Not that I can tell. I worried about his time on the throne, but he has gotten to the point he leaves all electronics outside the room and only takes in a book. Since I use to work down the road from his current job, I know how long it should take to get there and home. He seems to be getting there in a reasonable amount of time. On the way home he is turning a gps tracker on his phone on.

Lunch: sometimes he eats with me. However when he does not I tend to call and check up on him. I questioned him once telling him that I had only his word as to who he was at lunch with, so he gave the phone to his lunch companion: his male co-worker.

Contact at work: no real way to verify. He works at a big corporate and they frown on that type of info due to patent information. That is one reason I will feel better if he does tell his boss.

Talking admirably about the OW: He did in the first few weeks. But now.......

We had a conversation a few weeks ago where I asked him how he could still see her as a good person. And he told me that he was angry at her, but she had not done anything to deliberately harm him. So I asked him how was it not deliberate to come in between a husband and his family when she knew the entire time we were there.
How having been divorced herself, she would create circumstances to lead her "friend" into that same painful situation. How was it not deliberate that for her own selfishness she would cost him free access to his son?

The he told me she kept telling him "That little boy will love you no matter what happens." (This is where I think the OW shot herself in the foot) My WS was abandoned by his bio dad when he was a little boy. Today he HATES his bio dad because of it. I think that statement rang so false in his heart, that he just could not get away from it.

So I asked him how his thinking of leaving us (me and his son) was any different than what his bio-dad did to him. I could see the bulb come on. Since then his statements about her have been that she is not the same person he was friends with in HS, and he is furious with her for almost turning him into his bio-dad.

So I don't know if that answers your questions or not, but that is what I can tell you.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,496
His A ended naturally. HE ended it. You didn't drag him away at the height of the addiction. So he probably defogged quicker than most. My FWH was similar. He was looking for a way out. Anyway, your WH appears to be trying to do his part. Watch his actions and verify when you can.


BW(me)
DDay EA 4/05
DDay PA 6/05
In recovery
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
Thanks guys.

I think I may do a full search of his car tonight, just to make sure I have not missed anything there.

And thank you for your encouragement and support. I am in uncharted territory for myself and completely lost as to what the sign post I see are saying. Thank you for trying to help me decipher them.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
I checked his car, every cubby hole I could find. I found nothing. That is good news right?

More advise welcome.


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
How will I know when we are in recovery? When did you consider your marriage in recovery?


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
_
Member
Offline
Member
_
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
Originally Posted By: ElunaInNC
How will I know when we are in recovery? When did you consider your marriage in recovery?

Hi ElunaInNC,

When my husband disparaged OW on his own without my asking him (said she was boring and ugly and was probably already cheating with another guy), I began to feel like we might have a chance at recovery.

I felt like we had started recovery when I called the MB radio show 7 months after D-day 1 (2.5 months after D-Day 4) and my F?WH told Dr. and Mrs. Harley that he would do anything to help me heal, including delayed exposure to OW's husband across the country.

It sounds like your WH may have avoided a prolonged withdrawal period but I would be concerned about 2 things: depression and underground.

His occasional depression could be a sign of lingering withdrawal.

He may have gone further underground by using his work privacy to cover for another email account or hidden trac fone.

After being busted twice in one week, my then WH appeared to be the perfect husband while we were going through MC, reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and acting like he was remorseful and repentive, agreeing to everything and repeatedly telling me it was over......

...but he had started a free draft/delete email account on his work computer to tell OW when it was a good time to call him at work. (He never called her because it was long distance from his work landline.)

If it's true that your WH ended it on is own before you found out he may not be in withdrawal. How did you find out? Is it possible that he only "said he ended it" because you discovered it?

Sorry to be such a downer, but I'm hoping my horror and misery can be of some help so that others might not have to endure what we went through.

Blessings to you,
Ace



FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
E
Member
OP Offline
Member
E
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 306
Hi Ace,

I found out about the affair via his email account. As far as ending it,these were the last post she made on her facebook account prior to my finding out about the affair:

"OW: Now I know why I've felt lost...it's over. Thu at 3:14pm Comment LikeUnlike

OW: I feel lost and have no clue why. *sigh*March 24 at 10:21pm Comment LikeUnlike"


The status marked Thu was posted 2.5 hours before discovery.

This is the reason I believe he ended it. Is it completely over? I do not know. I only know I can find no contact. I did a complete search of his car and several other hiding spots of his this weekend. Thus far I have found nothing.

He also sat down this weekend and began to draft a NC letter to her.

I also installed a KL on my laptop (the only working computer in the house atm) and have seen no activity.

I want to have hope and faith, but each day I feel more anger and bitterness even though I can find no reason not to try saving my marriage. This hurts so much, and I have no idea how to handle it. Is this anger and pain ever going to stop building? Does it ever really get better?


Me - BS
Him - WS
Discovery 3/26/10
NC letter mailed 5/27/10
NC letter recieved 5/29/10
My Thread

Recovery may not be an option. Seriously looking a plan B/D
Page 1 of 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (Darkguy), 42 guests, and 64 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Cassy0110, Slytherinlyfe, bb1471, OTDL2001, DexterWalsh
71,661 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,523
Posts2,322,502
Members71,662
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5