I had an affair and confessed to my husband. We are in the beginning of our healing journey. I'm looking for a friend who has been there. Can anyone here help me out? None of my friends really understand what it's like to be here, at this point.

If not here, are there other places I can find a friend who has been through this that I can talk to? What other resources are available to me?

I feel that I will spiral into depression. I'm already starting to isolate myself from my friends and family. I have kids and I need to get through this for them, even if it means that my marriage is over.

Please help. I'm ready to fall apart.

Redeem, this forum is an excellent resource and many folks here can help you with the problems you are having.

Did you get the book Surviving an Affair? And how is your husband faring? Can he come here so we can help him?

I appreciate your response. I'm so new to all of these emotions that I now need to face.

My husband has moved out to his parents' house. He says it's temporary, just to give us space. He can't be in the same house as me. I respect that and I truly understand. He's going through extreme heartache, pain, is still extremely upset, and is physically ill. He can't sleep, is hurting so greatly. And it hurts me to see him in this state, to know that I caused all of that pain. I love him and want to love him through this, but I'm the one causing him the most pain. I don't know how to help other than to just allow him space and allow him to go down his own healing journey. God has laid that on my heart that I can't expect anything of my husband, but I can hold to God's love and know that He will bring us to a better place. His plan is best. I have to trust that. That's all that I have really.

I feel I deserve to feel lonely. I deserve to feel that I've lost everything. This is all deserved. But he doesn't deserve any of this. He doesn't deserve for me to have treated him in this way, for my betrayal. And now he has to face friends and family and share this with them, which is terribly embarrassing for him to have to share this. I forced him into a state of public shame. How awful of me. I hate what I did and I am fighting not to hate myself to such a degree that I fall into despair and depression.

Do I need to tell everyone? He moved out. Even if it's temporary, it will likely last awhile. My family is going to wonder. What do I do about that? Can I just email everyone or is that too impersonal? I don't know that I want to call each of them though.

I confessed via email to our closest friends and called my family on the phone. Be sure in your confession that you take full responsibility for your choices.

We all were when we came. You have to live through this to get to the other side, sadly.

Just like you have to live through the emotions you are experiencing so does he. He has to live with the thought that the one person who he could count on to have his best interests at heart did exactly the opposite and crushed his very soul. This is not meant to make you feel worse, I doubt too many things can make you feel worse than what you are already making yourself feel. I am speaking from my experience with a FWH who was and is so remorseful over what he did that I sometimes can not even breathe and that makes things even harder for me. Your H needs to come home but he also needs the space to do personal work, can you give that to him? That is also part of healing. You can't force this for him as much as you might like. Sometimes just stepping back and away and letting him get it out is needed. Can you do that? Can you sit and hold his hand and just be quiet as he lets it out no matter how hard it is on you? Can you then respond by telling him you are sorry and that you love him and want to learn to be the best wife for him and let the rest of it go? Believe me, right now he does not want to hear how badly you feel. He really does not want to hear what part of this you might think was his fault. He wants to grieve it out so he can at least look at things without falling apart and that is going to take a while.

I don't like the word deserve much in this situation. What you are suffering is a direct result of what you did but no one ever deserves to suffer...I doubt other than occasionally he even wants you to suffer (Oh he will at times, you bet, but not really. You never want the people you love to suffer once the rawness is over). What you "deserve" is to make yourself wholly in service to this M and making it the best you can. You "deserve" to suffer his anger and let it go without defense. You "deserve" to become someone who could never ever do something like this again. Then you "deserve" to set up your extraordinary precautions to give you the safety and comfort of boundaries you lacked. You "deserve" to give service to your marriage. You "deserve" to do much personal searching and mold yourself into the person you thought you were and want to be to be the best wife you can be. Then, after all of that and whatever else your H needs is done, you deserve to have the best marriage possible.

Despair and depression seem to go hand in hand with adultery for both parties. You say you have renewed your faith, good. Always remember what someone else (Gloveoil?) said to you before, God is not going to do this for you but he will give you the tools to make it happen (or something along those lines). This is going to be hard, very hard work. Consider anti depressants. Many of us have had to use them, consider them for both of you. This take loads of strength and courage and the grieving is immense, you may need the assistance of the meds for a while. Use what you need and what you can and stand strong, especially now. He needs that from you. Be strong and committed and tell him you are in this for whatever it takes for however long it takes. Send him here. He will get whatever he needs here. Nobody is going to tell him to D you but we will help him sort out himself and show him the way to make this work for him. Whatever that means in the end is up to him.

This is all coming from my experience for whatever that is worth. Believe me, nobody here wants you to suffer. We want you to learn and grow and do whatever you can to make the rest of your H's life wonderful and thus yours. Take what you can from all of us, many times it will be a while before it all makes sense. It will and you will grow by leaps and bounds if you are truly contrite and want to do the right thing. I think you are and I think you do. Just remember, the 2x4's have a point even if you do not like them. If you follow the path you need to follow you will have all the encouragement you will ever need but you must get through the occasional 2x4's. They are needed to shake all of us out of a frame of reference that is not helpful. Take em all and store them in your little book of reference for a good marriage that you will now be making in your brain Little book becomes great big book soon enough but for right now focus on what you need to do for your H to heal and get him home with you when he feels he can come. Much of that will be dependent on what you do. Get to it, feel sorry for yourself later feel sorry for what you have done to him now and get a plan to make him feel like he can come home and heal with you taking care of him. You can do this, I know you can.

DITTO what DWG said.

In case you have missed this thread I am giving you the link. It is something that may help you get started on a plan, something to give to H to show him you are working on making your M a safe and loving place to rest in.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2374198#Post2374198

Redeem_Me, in the span of eight months -- from the time my wayward wife (WW) told me of the affair, I went through everything you describe above.

And I divorced her.

She showed no remorse. The people here knew her better than I did, and thus helped me along the path to healing. They can do the same for you.

I understand your husband's pain. Really, I do. I didn't want to divorce my wife but she left me no choice.

You are standing up and saying you want to give your husband that choice. If you do everything and exactly what the veterans here advise you, you will give him that choice.

But remember, it's his choice. What you did was the most hurtful thing one can do to a person they vowed to love, honor and PROTECT. There is no middle ground. From this day forward, you have to work to building a better YOU -- better boundaries and better protections.

Your marriage CAN be recovered. If BOTH of you want it.

Can I ask what you mean by this, "she left me no choice"? Because she wasn't remorseful?

I am trying my best to be a support to him right and allow him to make the choice where we head from here, but right now he's not well. He's not really talking about this with anyone. A few friends know but he's not the type to open up his true feelings to others. As a BH, can you give me some insight into how I can help my husband through this time?

Redeem,

Fred hit on some key points here regarding recovery and �redemption�. To expound on R & R:

1) R & R requires the affair to be completely OVER. That means complete and perpetual No Contact for LIFE. Unless that is in place FIRST, no recovery is possible and nothing below has any real meaning or validity. And the longer it is delayed, the less likely recovery will be possible. [I am assuming that you have completed this step.]

2) R & R then requires another R & R�its called Remorse & Repentance. This is way more than just �saying sorry�. It involves full confession, acceptance of personal responsibility (w/o excuses, justifications, or finger-pointing), acknowledgement of wrong and the pain that wrong caused, sincere contrition/apology, and genuine repentance. Repentance is way more than just �feeling bad� and sweeping-it-under-the-rug to �move on�. Repentance is demonstrating in words and deeds a consistent, selfless making of AMENDS to those who have been hurt so terribly. Read up on �just compensation� and meeting your BH�s ENs with no expectation or assumption of anything in return. His respect for you and his trust in you cannot even start to rebuild without #s 1 & 2.

3) R & R finally depends upon your BH�s CHOICE. You gave him a get-out-of-marriage-free-card with your affair. You gave him every logical and appropriate reason to want a divorce. R & R requires his voluntary consent and you cannot compel him to do so. All you can do is to incentivize him to choose R & R over divorce by the above. The more you do that, the more likely (notice, there are no guarantees or promises here) he is to CHOOSE favorably. As Fred wrote, w/o full, complete, and sincere remorse & repentance, your BH has really no choice other than divorce. Maximize your odds of recovery by adhering faithfully and doggedly to #s 1 & 2. Don�t hold back anything. Don�t hide anything. Don�t be stubborn or prideful. Don�t be put your own discomfort and embarrassment ahead of MAKING FULL AMENDS.

�Love cannot change the past, but love does make the future different.�
Dr. Gary Chapman


God Bless

I don't really have a lot to add right now, but four years ago I also confessed my A to DH, so I have been in that place. Just keep being honest, keep praying, keep reaching out to your DH. And yes, I would go ahead and tell others because you both need support in recovering your marriage.

Not long after my A, I went through the entire book of Psalms intently during my quiet times. It was very comforting and challenging for me.

I never knew this!
This is just awesome

I did this because in addition to SAA and the painfully honest words of a real friend, a verse from Ps 32 dogged me...."When I kept silent about my sin, I wasted away"....and that's what I was doing. I figured if a few verses slapped me into submission, the whole book couldn't hurt.

Great verse. Thanks for sharing. I have verses hung all around the house right now (which is unlike me to do), but I need constant reminders that I'm doing the right thing in telling the truth.

The verse I have hung in the most visited area of the house is the one that I needed the most in the initial stages of confessing to my BH:

"He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy." Proverbs 28:13

This verse reminds me that God is merciful, but also that my marriage could not have "prospered" if I hadn't confessed... and it's tempting to think sometimes, "What if I hadn't told him? Maybe I shouldn't have..."

I know: the truth is best. I do know that.

Thank you for reminding me of this. This has been a new struggle of mine these past two days. I'm uncomfortable with people knowing and starting to become a recluse. If it weren't for my kids, I wouldn't be talking to anyone today probably. I am a prideful person at heart and God is continuing to humble me in this process.

I started reading "No Stones, Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction". Already a really good read for a woman, like me, who has been involved in an affair. I'm not certain I have a technical "sex addiction" but maybe God is revealing that to me. I dunno. For now, it's helping me in the process of self-examination.

Anyway... I do have a point...

At the beginning of Part One of this book, she quotes from John 8. I just shared that I am struggling with how others are reacting/will react to the news that I was unfaithful. This is such a great reminder that no one is without sin.

I'm going to type it here to both reread it myself, but also to share it with others who might be in my position, to encourage you if you are also feeling the burden of these thoughts:


* * * *

"But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group and said to Jesus, 'Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?... But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them,

'If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her.'

Again, he stooped down and wrote on the ground. At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. Jesus straightened up and asked her, 'Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?'

'No one, sir,' she said.

'Then neither do I condemn you,' Jesus declared. 'Go now and leave your life of sin.'

I'm sorry, this is turning into a thread all about my ponderings...

I'm just working through this and sharing because maybe it will help others going through this...

I wanted to say that I think it's unfortunate that there aren't support groups for women who have committed adultery. All the local churches, if they have them, have groups for men only who have committed adultery. What's with that? Have we not accepted as a society (and as a Christian community) that women can also struggle with sexual sin?

Just had to get that off my chest...

I guess I do not understand what it is you are looking for here. We are giving you the knowledge that we have from this site, our MB coaching, Dr. Harley, each other and our own experiences in order to guide you to do what will work. We are encouraging you to explore the website, the articles, others situations so that you may have the best chance to do the right thing to heal your husband and then your marriage.

What other kind of support are you looking for?

You also might want to ask the moderators to combine your threads. It gets confusing if you are spread out in different directions.

Redeem,

I�m glad to hear you recognize how self-destructive it is to let our own naturally selfish desires (to avoid facing shame, embarrassment, guilt, and discomfort) override doing what is RIGHT. Too often, people let their stubbornness and pride get in the way of admitting truth and making amends to those they have wronged. We often want to just �feel good� without realizing that we must first DO GOOD before we can start feeling justifiably better about ourselves. Wallowing in self-pity, denial, or avoidance will destroy you and it will destroy your marriage�guaranteed. It will be awkward at first, but:

Speak the truth, and the truth shall set you free