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#2433074 - 10/07/10 08:55 PM he chose his mother over me.
DumpedforMIL Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/07/10
Posts: 6
i'm gonna bite the bullet and post.
first, i'm very pessimisitic about my marriage. i'm standing at d's doorstep.

my story isn't very unique. married for 4 yrs. no children.
h decided we didn't have anything in common to make our m work. he has been confiding in his mother during our entire marriage. not once did he talk to me about OUR issues. it led me to believe that things weren't so bad.

mil and i were not enemies but we weren't best friends. i was cordial to her and but like most mil's, she often exaggerated things and claimed that i was evil towards her. my h has a soft spot for them and often took their side. i felt like an outsider throughout our m. i tried very hard to be a great w.

i was the cook, the maid, moneymaker (ie. i had a job), the organizer. i was superwoman. my h didn't want me to be so needy. i was independent as you could be. i did it all. it wasn't enough. maybe i wasn't doing the right things.

we wanted children. it didn't happen. i tried for years. nothing. i wanted to see a specialist. and then the truth came out of his mouth. he didn't think i was going to make a good mother. it hurt me. i shut down and became distant. i told him that his words hurt me tremendously. he looked at me and said that it had to be said and he stood by his comments. he told me that my reaction to criticism didn't encourage him to communicate.

prior to his parents arriving for christmas, i cleaned the entire house and ironed bedsheets for him. and all i wanted was an apology for hurting my feelings. i never got that apology.

i couldn't be cheery at xmas because the words hurt me so badly. he doted on his parents and treated me like crap. he didn't understand why i was 'jealous' of the way he treated his parents.

his parents encouraged him to d me. they told him that they didn't think i treated him well. they made me out to be an abusive wife. everyone who knows me, knows i couldn't hurt a fly.

i admit, we didn't meet each other's EN. it's too late now. we moved on to plan b. no contact. we communicate via our respective l. we have no children so there's no need to see one another.

i've tried to protect myself legally. and my request has been more than fair. but h believes i'm a money grubber who was after his money. the more reason to d me. throughout my entire m, i not once asked for a penny. yet, protecting myself legally after the d bomb was dropped, meant i was a money grubber. had he not dropped the d bomb, i could care less about money. in fact, his own parents have taken advantage of his money for years. for some reason, he's decided to take that out on me. i guess i'm just the easy target.

everyone is heartbroken for me. i have not been able to go through the grieving/healing process. the entire process hurt me tremendously. often to the point where i don't want to live. but i suppress my feelings for the last 10 months. i have sought counselling. and it hasn't helped me ease the pain.

the last thing i want to hear is .. be thankful you don't have children because you are still young - you can move on and have a good life.

a momma's boy is never going to change. i made a mistake by marrying him. i'm sorry for being so down on a forum that is about saving marriages. i wanted to but i'm numb and exhausted. i've given him space but he is no longer in love with me. he feels we are too different to make it work. he felt that marriage shouldn't be hard. it should be easy. everyone knows that marriage is hard work. but he doesn't want to make the effort.

Me. Sorry for taking up so much time and space. i should crawl into a hole and never come out.


Edited by DumpedforMIL (10/07/10 09:06 PM)

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#2433079 - 10/07/10 09:10 PM Re: he chose his mother over me. [Re: DumpedforMIL]
MelodyLane Offline
Member

Registered: 04/10/01
Posts: 78850
Loc: Texas
Originally Posted By: DumpedforMIL
he felt that marriage shouldn't be hard. it should be easy. everyone knows that marriage is hard work. but he doesn't want to make the effort.


Welcome to Marriage Builders, DFM, sorry for your pain. frown It sounds like your H is what Dr Harley terms as a "freeloader":

Originally Posted By: Dr Harley
Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.


A bad marriage is much harder than a good marriage. My marriage is not hard work at all. But it was very hard work before I came here and started doing using these principles.

But like you said, you can't make someone change against his will and you can't save a marriage all by yourself. BUT, there are things you can do to motivate him to change. He will be much more motivated to be with you if he is in love with you and there are a lot things you can do to incent that.

A couple of articles come to mind that might be of help. Please check them out and let me know what you think. Additionally, i would get the books Lovebusters and Fall in Love, Stay in Love. You can get them at the library, bookstore, or they sell them cheap here. [or you can get free books from the Harleys if you email a question to Dr Harley for him to read on his radio show - click on the Marriage Builders radio link at the top of the page]

When to Call it Quits - [don't let the title mislead you, the lady in this case saved her marriage]

How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage
_________________________
Happily married to my cute husband!

Exposure 101 <--READ THIS IF YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!

If you're going through hell, keep going.... Winston Churchill

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

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#2433081 - 10/07/10 09:12 PM Re: he chose his mother over me. [Re: MelodyLane]
MelodyLane Offline
Member

Registered: 04/10/01
Posts: 78850
Loc: Texas
From the book Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyers believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Renters believe Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.
_________________________
Happily married to my cute husband!

Exposure 101 <--READ THIS IF YOUR SPOUSE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR!

If you're going through hell, keep going.... Winston Churchill

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

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#2433085 - 10/07/10 09:31 PM Re: he chose his mother over me. [Re: MelodyLane]
DumpedforMIL Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/07/10
Posts: 6
thanks for the reply.

he's definitely a freeloader. he only wanted to do the 'fun' or 'easy' things while i did the 'dirty' work. he told me that 'taking out the garbage' was a task that i owned because i started doing that so it became my task. crazy

can you point me to the reference?

it's funny. i tried implementing plan a at first. i was there for him unconditionally even after he 'dumped' me. i did all i could. then as soon as we physically separated, no contact.

i read the article. separation often leads to affairs or divorce. well, we're already separated and i'm waiting for papers to be served to me.

i loved my h. i didn't believe in d. i still don't. it's not my choice. i didn't even make his radar of important things. his favorite sports teams were higher priority than me. and i stuck with it. neither of us are seeing anyone right now. at least, i don't think he is. i know i'm not.

i think my h is familiarizing himself with mb methods. not because he wants to save our m. but he is doing what he can to thwart my efforts to save it. he's gone to great lengths to avoid me. we used to belong to some of the same sports clubs - despite paying the hefty membership fees, he's chosen not to attend to avoid seeing me.

not a day goes by where i don't wonder what i ever did to make him hate me so much.

Me.

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#2433098 - 10/07/10 11:08 PM Re: he chose his mother over me. [Re: DumpedforMIL]
MrWondering Offline
Member

Registered: 10/12/05
Posts: 5740
Loc: USA
I so wish I had the perfect words or advice for you. I've never done Plan B but perhaps you should read up on it.

For example...if he were to pick up the phone and call you would you answer??? Can he still email you IF and WHEN he wants? Could he stop by if he wanted??? Do you try or long to see him or catch glimpses of him???

If so...perhaps it's time for a Plan B letter summarizing:

1. Your desire to save the marriage (stating you don't want the divorce and today...still have love for him)

2. Your wish to have no contact whatsoever until such time is he is willing and ready to work on reconciliation

3. Establishing an intermediary for any and all communications

Your husband is lost. You've fought for him and the marriage long enough and it's time to put it in God's hands (formerly with a Plan B letter). Even if you've somewhat stated Plan B already it may not be a bad idea to RE-state it (as I've seen the Harley's advise those in Plan B without kids especially to reach out several times extending a route back to the marriage even in Plan B lest they think you don't want them back).

Thereafter, you continue on as though he ain't coming back restoring and rebuilding yourself emotionally and physically to continue in this wonderful world on your own. As horrible as this sounds, just maybe divorce is God's plan for you as He never gives you a heavier cross than you can handle. There IS a plan for you and this is your trial by fire. YOU WILL MAKE IT...regardless of the outcome.

Unfortunately...this advice is likely not much different than the advice you got over on DBs. (what might they say over there....mmmmm, how about - "your husband is weak and if a weak man can break your spirit he'll be unlikely to be attracted back to you (weakness see's value in strength/confidence). Be strong and get a life...and by doing so you give yourself the only shot at having him consider coming back with the added bonus that if and when he does you may choose not to take him back"). I don't know if the 180's say date others...but such would be strongly discouraged over here on MB -- On MB you are married until you aren't.

Prayers,

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - was the divorce filed and you are just waiting to be served???
_________________________
FBH(me)-47 FWW-44 still (MrsWondering)
DD14 Dday-2005-Recovered
the_wonderings@yahoo.com (listed by permission)

"Courage is the most important of all virtues, because without courage you can't practice any other virtue consistently" - Maya Angelou

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#2433101 - 10/08/10 12:26 AM Re: he chose his mother over me. [Re: MrWondering]
DumpedforMIL Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/07/10
Posts: 6
Quote:
For example...if he were to pick up the phone and call you would you answer??? Can he still email you IF and WHEN he wants? Could he stop by if he wanted??? Do you try or long to see him or catch glimpses of him???

yes, he knows how to reach me - email, text. i think he's blocked my number from his phone.

yes, he knows where i live. we sold our dream home and went our separate ways. we both purchased separate homes.

in the last 3 months, i probably ran into him 3 times but i did not look at him. the last time we exchanged words was 3 months ago.

Quote:
2. Your wish to have no contact whatsoever until such time is he is willing and ready to work on reconciliation

he did not want to go to counselling or work on reconciliation. in his mind, our differences were too great that no amount of counselling was going to fix it. he didn't even try.

Quote:
Your husband is lost.

i'm not sure if he's lost. his mother has an anxiety disorder in which she catastrophasizes everything. everything will result in death. how h's father might have a heart attack and die, how driving to the store in the rain could result in a horrific car accident, how eating leftovers can kill you, due to the bacteria growing. when you don't comply, she cries and cries until she gets her way because "she's only trying to help". when i kindly told her she didn't have to do any laundry duties at our home, she told my h that i hated her and that i was mad at her and i made her feel unwelcomed. all because i told her she didn't have to do any of my h's laundry.

she tells my h that she thinks the world of me but yet i make her feel unwelcomed. and it's manipulating statements like that, is what made my h side with her. she constantly tells my h that she can't live without him. that he's all she has and that she never wants to leave him. all while crying her eyes out.

i've never made him choose. i just can't believe she took him away from me. i didn't yell or display any displeasure. how did my words get twisted like that?

Quote:
You've fought for him and the marriage long enough and it's time to put it in God's hands

i tried and despite being treated like a doormat, i stuck with my marriage. i didn't believe in divorce. i still don't.

you have no idea how much shame i feel. i am so ashamed of myself that i could not look God in the eyes. i didn't betray my h .. why am i the most hated person in his eyes?

Quote:
you continue on as though he ain't coming back restoring and rebuilding yourself emotionally and physically to continue in this wonderful world on your own.

that's what i've been doing.
when he dropped the bomb on me, i started a new job. i didn't waver. i put my feelings aside, found my own place to live, arranged my own move, and handled things for myself without any help. i'm living in a city with no family or close friends. so it's all on me.
i've received no financial support from my h. i am doing it on my own. i'm determined to come out the other end on my own two feet. i've always been the strong one in our marriage.

i've continued to work on me. i go to the gym to do weight training. i take pilates. i also play a lot of squash. i also found time to learn how to bake and i'm a darn good cook. from a professional standpoint, i've also started participating in the local chapter of Toastmasters. despite going through a d, i've done well in my job. you couldn't tell that i was going through something so devastating as this. i have hid it well but i'm starting to crack a bit.

Quote:
Be strong and get a life

check. i've been doing pretty good in this area. you know, as soon as the ring came off, i got asked out by four different guys.

Quote:
"your husband is weak and if a weak man can break your spirit he'll be unlikely to be attracted back to you (weakness see's value in strength/confidence)

no, a momma's boy is never going to change. why are you wasting your precious time on scum? d-file and move on, honey. i have one supporter who believes that there is still hope.

Quote:
I don't know if the 180's say date others...but such would be strongly discouraged over here on MB -- On MB you are married until you aren't.

i almost did. but before i do anything, i always ask myself .. if i do this, will i be able to look God in the eyes? if the answer is no, i don't do it. and dating is something i couldn't do. i couldn't look God in the eyes.

Quote:
was the divorce filed and you are just waiting to be served???

i asked my l and my l said you will know when your h has filed for d because h has to physically serve you with papers. i have not yet been served. but it's agonizing sitting here wondering every day whether today is the day i get served. sometimes i want to file, just to save my own sanity.

if you can, please pray for me. i am hurting a great deal. i feel so much shame because i couldn't keep my marriage intact. i cannot bring myself to go home and face my family and friends. i don't know anybody who has d-ed. i'd be the first among my friends. what did i do?

Me.

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#2433117 - 10/08/10 06:51 AM Re: he chose his mother over me. [Re: DumpedforMIL]
summergirl Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 17
I will pray for you..

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#2433124 - 10/08/10 07:33 AM Re: he chose his mother over me. [Re: summergirl]
NewEveryDay Online   content
Member

Registered: 10/17/05
Posts: 9134
Welcome to MB, sorry it's under these circumstances.

Quote:
you have no idea how much shame i feel. i am so ashamed of myself that i could not look God in the eyes. i didn't betray my h .. why am i the most hated person in his eyes?


Do you like music? Here are two songs that really help me stop kicking myself when I take on other's hostility towards me. Do you know them?

Made to Love by Toby Mac
Here's the YouTube of a live performance, there's a special message at the end
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrtlia983Aw

Only Grace by Matthew West
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcbnEouoWbA

I don't know the reason we do this, take on man's quarreling as a reflection on who we are. We are perfectly made, whole and complete, in His image. But I know there's hope. I'm glad you reached out last night. I've been feeling this way, too, and listening to these song this morning, I had a good cry, and feel better.

Grief is normal, and I can imagine, waiting for papers, adds a hopelessness to that. I pray that you will get the direction and continued strength you're looking for.
_________________________
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010

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#2433180 - 10/08/10 11:26 AM Re: he chose his mother over me. [Re: NewEveryDay]
wannabophim Offline
Member

Registered: 08/31/00
Posts: 1157
Are you mourning the loss of your husband, or the loss of A husband? Because I haven't seen where he meets your needs at all!
_________________________
Married since 1987
He had an EA around 2000
DD15 and DD18

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#2433186 - 10/08/10 11:48 AM Re: he chose his mother over me. [Re: wannabophim]
DumpedforMIL Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/07/10
Posts: 6
i'm mourning the loss of what used to be my best friend. as soon as he became my husband, it was completely different.

i didn't matter. my needs didn't matter. it felt like the OW and his parents were married to him. as soon as he was finished using me, he tossed me aside. his parents were so needy. yet, he would tell me that he didn't like women who were needy and clingy. i was strong and independent. my h was fairly weak and often i did most of the leading in the marriage. he didn't seem to value strength and confidence.

i love him for what he used to be. i don't know what he is now. but it's hard for me to love him.

Me.

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