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#2440882 - 11/05/10 05:03 PM I'm the "Wayward Spouse" who wants to go home....
Redwood17 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/05/10
Posts: 19
I discovered this site a few days ago and have been reading feverishly ever since. I’ve already learned such a great deal, and I know I still have so much more to learn. But right now, I’m so lost and scared, and I don’t know what to do. I need advice from anyone here willing to listen and offer me your time. NOTE: My spouse and I are not married, never have been, but we’ve been together for 10.5 years. For the sake of this forum, consider our relationship as a marriage in every way except for the “piece of paper”; I hope you’re still willing to help.

Here’s the cut-to-the-chase question: How does a “wayward spouse” navigate the situation when she’s realized she’s made the biggest mistake of her life and wants nothing more than to reconcile, but her spouse has told her he’s open to considering reconciliation in the future, just not right now?

He says he needs time and space because he’s angry. I get that, but I have already moved out of the house and he is closing on refinancing the house on Monday to get my name off the mortgage. Discovery day was September 3rd, I moved out a month later; I moved out because I thought I was dead-set on trying to make a future with the OM but later realized how incredibly wrong I was. The affair was officially over November 1. My spouse doesn't know that it's permanently over yet; he just knows the OM and I were having trouble and not talking. I told my spouse I wanted to consider reconciliation a few weeks after I moved out but hadn't permanently ended the affair at that point. He was responsive to considering it, but "just not right now". Well, I don’t want to sign the quit-deed or refinance (and told him so), but he’s not backing down on that and still sticks to his “we’ll see what happens in the future, but right now we’re moving forward with the house” stance.

Every day we spend apart and every move we make feels only like we’re setting ourselves up for a harder reconciliation. How do I try to convince him to seek couple’s therapy with me sooner vs. later without pushing him away or waiting too long? How long of a wait is too long??? We both admit we still love each other and we feel like we've both lost our best friend, so I know there's still hope for us getting back together. But I’m just so terrified of smothering him right now and I can’t stand this “in limbo” feeling, you know?

I have put together a letter that I’m considering giving him letting him know how I feel, as well as letting him know the affair is over. I would be willing to post it here for comments if anyone is willing to offer guidance.... I’m undecided on giving it to him now, waiting until later after the house closing (so he doesn’t think I’m pushing to get him to back out of the closing again) or just not send it at all. I’m so lost and confused, and I'm at the stage where I don't feel like I have the strength to make the right decisions....

I have so many more details that I’m willing to share (especially if you have questions), and perhaps I will in another post. But for now, I would just like to have any recommendations on whether I should keep trying to “profess my love and regrets” or just sit back and wait for him to come around?

I can't thank you enough in advance for your support!!

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#2440891 - 11/05/10 05:44 PM Re: I'm the "Wayward Spouse" who wants to go home.... [Re: Redwood17]
SapphireReturns Offline
Member

Registered: 05/18/10
Posts: 1879
First as a FWW you need to understand the pain and anguish you have caused him, and he's not just going to let you come walking back into his life knowing that.

Think of it like this...dating is like an interview and the interview is to be your "wife" and you just failed that interview, so why should he give you another chance?

It does take time in your situation for him to actually want to reconcile, you might actually have to let him take your name off the mortgage, he is only doing that to protect him, and can you blame him?

Writing a letter and telling him how you feel will just make things worse, all you said were lies, and rewriting history during your affair, so anything you write he will not believe.

He does not trust you, yes he might love you but the trust is totally gone and you need to accept the consequences I love this quote my MIL told me when I apologized to her what I had done to her son "You may always choose your actions and choices, but you can NEVER choose the consequences of those choices"

What I would do is go to him (please no letter) and say "I know I screwed up BIG TIME and you do not want to reconcile right now, but I just want you to know that I will do anything to get us back" then your ACTIONS will let him see that you are being serious.

But you can not push him into reconciling when he is not ready. You need to give him space, if you want to send him hear you can, but again if he ends up not wanting you back ever then you need to live with that and realize that was what you were giving up when you were in bed with another man.

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#2440892 - 11/05/10 05:46 PM Re: I'm the "Wayward Spouse" who wants to go home.... [Re: Redwood17]
Gamma Offline
Member

Registered: 07/15/08
Posts: 2737
Redwood17,

I tend to view any committed relationship as a sacred trust, although I could be in the minority on this site.

I Would suggest you look for BH threads on this site to help understand how your boyfriend feels and what is going through his mind.

Have you answered ALL of his questions.

Are you hiding other affairs he does not know about or financial lies?

Do you have children together?

Generally it takes a minimum of 2 years for recovery under the best of circumstances.

God Bless
Gamma

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#2440897 - 11/05/10 06:01 PM Re: I'm the "Wayward Spouse" who wants to go home.... [Re: Gamma]
schoolbus Offline
Member

Registered: 01/30/06
Posts: 3093
redwood,

Post the letter. I will give you some tips on what would be good to say.

My guess is that your live-in is saying "not right now" because he has a girlfriend on the side. Sorry to say that, but you need to give it some consideration. You left, and I'm here to say he figured he would date.
_________________________
Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
Recovered.
Happy.
Most recent D-day Fall 2005
Our new marriage began that day. Not easily, but it did happen.

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#2440900 - 11/05/10 06:20 PM Re: I'm the "Wayward Spouse" who wants to go home.... [Re: SapphireReturns]
Redwood17 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/05/10
Posts: 19
Thank you for the advice and perspective, SapphireReturns. Since I'm having trouble seeing straight right now, your guidance on not sending the letter is well taken. I feel he needs to know the affair is over, and that I'm committed to trying anything in the world to bring us back together, but I was having doubts that I needed to send it in a letter. I just get so emotional every time we talk in person, I thought the idea of letting him hear how I felt without watching me ball my eyes out at the ame time would be a more comfortable scenario for us both cry. But I will let the letter sit for now....and perhaps I'll see him this weekend to tell him in person. As much as it hurts, I'll end up signing the quit-deed (don't really have a choice and yes, can I blame him?). And I will try my hardest to give him the time he needs....

BTW, your MIL quote sounds exactly like what my MIL would say smile

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#2440903 - 11/05/10 06:31 PM Re: I'm the "Wayward Spouse" who wants to go home.... [Re: Gamma]
Redwood17 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/05/10
Posts: 19
Gamma,

I'm such a newbie, I don't know how to quote specific pieces of your post, so I will answer your questions/comments below.

He doesn't have a lot of questions right now. Such a stoic man, I'm not surprised, really. But when/if he has them, I'm an open book.

First affair and no financial messiness. Our finances were always kept separate and it worked out beautifully. Much easier in my eyes...

No children, but....don't laugh....we have 5 cats that are like our children. They ended up being split up when I moved out. I have been granted full visitation rights for the 3 he kept. smile

Recovery lasting a minimum of 2 years.... I'm willing to endure that challenge if he's willing to even try. That's all I want...just for him to try.

Thank you for posting~

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#2440906 - 11/05/10 06:48 PM Re: I'm the "Wayward Spouse" who wants to go home.... [Re: schoolbus]
Redwood17 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/05/10
Posts: 19
schoolbus,

You're right, it's entirely possible that he'll date. In fact, after I asked him one time if he was veiwing this as a separation or really "the end", and his reply was "I don't know, it depends on my mood", I asked him that exact question. He admitted he probably would date, but nothing serious and not for a while. I have to struggle with the reality that I can't fight that with him; it's completely his choice to do as he pleases right now. And as much as seeing him date would crush me, if it would in someway let him recover and even possibly recognize/remember the good that we had, then I'll cross that bridge when/if we get there.

I don't, however, think he has a girlfriend on the side. Stranger things have happened, but I just don't have that suspicion right now.

As for the letter, I think I'm going to hold off on sending it, and thus on posting it (at least for now). Suffice it to say, it's up one side and down the other about how I realize now the 'fog" I was in, how incredibly remorseful and truly sorry I am for hurting him, how I understand now what I should have done to avoid the affair, how I want more than anything to try counceling and reconciliation, and how very, very much I love him. It's a long one, trust me.... blush

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#2440911 - 11/05/10 07:05 PM Re: I'm the "Wayward Spouse" who wants to go home.... [Re: Redwood17]
Gamma Offline
Member

Registered: 07/15/08
Posts: 2737
RW

He doesn't have a lot of questions right now. Such a stoic man, I'm not surprised, really. But when/if he has them, I'm an open book.

Whatever you do, do NOT TRICKLE TRUTH HIM, that is where you tell him one week we only had sex one time, and the next month you tell him it was 25 times. Each time he discovers another lie you go back to square 1 and have to start over again.

Do a search on this site for "Trickle truth"

God Bless
Gamma

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#2440923 - 11/05/10 08:10 PM Re: I'm the "Wayward Spouse" who wants to go home.... [Re: Gamma]
Redwood17 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/05/10
Posts: 19
Thanks for the advice, Gamma. Will do. I have LOTS of reading to do and tons of learning.... and this is just the beginning.

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#2440931 - 11/05/10 08:47 PM Re: I'm the "Wayward Spouse" who wants to go home.... [Re: Redwood17]
gg615 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/20/09
Posts: 945
How old are you and partner?
_________________________
D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated

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