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I discovered this site a few days ago and have been reading feverishly ever since. I�ve already learned such a great deal, and I know I still have so much more to learn. But right now, I�m so lost and scared, and I don�t know what to do. I need advice from anyone here willing to listen and offer me your time. NOTE: My spouse and I are not married, never have been, but we�ve been together for 10.5 years. For the sake of this forum, consider our relationship as a marriage in every way except for the �piece of paper�; I hope you�re still willing to help.

Here�s the cut-to-the-chase question: How does a �wayward spouse� navigate the situation when she�s realized she�s made the biggest mistake of her life and wants nothing more than to reconcile, but her spouse has told her he�s open to considering reconciliation in the future, just not right now?

He says he needs time and space because he�s angry. I get that, but I have already moved out of the house and he is closing on refinancing the house on Monday to get my name off the mortgage. Discovery day was September 3rd, I moved out a month later; I moved out because I thought I was dead-set on trying to make a future with the OM but later realized how incredibly wrong I was. The affair was officially over November 1. My spouse doesn't know that it's permanently over yet; he just knows the OM and I were having trouble and not talking. I told my spouse I wanted to consider reconciliation a few weeks after I moved out but hadn't permanently ended the affair at that point. He was responsive to considering it, but "just not right now". Well, I don�t want to sign the quit-deed or refinance (and told him so), but he�s not backing down on that and still sticks to his �we�ll see what happens in the future, but right now we�re moving forward with the house� stance.

Every day we spend apart and every move we make feels only like we�re setting ourselves up for a harder reconciliation. How do I try to convince him to seek couple�s therapy with me sooner vs. later without pushing him away or waiting too long? How long of a wait is too long??? We both admit we still love each other and we feel like we've both lost our best friend, so I know there's still hope for us getting back together. But I�m just so terrified of smothering him right now and I can�t stand this �in limbo� feeling, you know?

I have put together a letter that I�m considering giving him letting him know how I feel, as well as letting him know the affair is over. I would be willing to post it here for comments if anyone is willing to offer guidance.... I�m undecided on giving it to him now, waiting until later after the house closing (so he doesn�t think I�m pushing to get him to back out of the closing again) or just not send it at all. I�m so lost and confused, and I'm at the stage where I don't feel like I have the strength to make the right decisions....

I have so many more details that I�m willing to share (especially if you have questions), and perhaps I will in another post. But for now, I would just like to have any recommendations on whether I should keep trying to �profess my love and regrets� or just sit back and wait for him to come around?

I can't thank you enough in advance for your support!!

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First as a FWW you need to understand the pain and anguish you have caused him, and he's not just going to let you come walking back into his life knowing that.

Think of it like this...dating is like an interview and the interview is to be your "wife" and you just failed that interview, so why should he give you another chance?

It does take time in your situation for him to actually want to reconcile, you might actually have to let him take your name off the mortgage, he is only doing that to protect him, and can you blame him?

Writing a letter and telling him how you feel will just make things worse, all you said were lies, and rewriting history during your affair, so anything you write he will not believe.

He does not trust you, yes he might love you but the trust is totally gone and you need to accept the consequences I love this quote my MIL told me when I apologized to her what I had done to her son "You may always choose your actions and choices, but you can NEVER choose the consequences of those choices"

What I would do is go to him (please no letter) and say "I know I screwed up BIG TIME and you do not want to reconcile right now, but I just want you to know that I will do anything to get us back" then your ACTIONS will let him see that you are being serious.

But you can not push him into reconciling when he is not ready. You need to give him space, if you want to send him hear you can, but again if he ends up not wanting you back ever then you need to live with that and realize that was what you were giving up when you were in bed with another man.

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Redwood17,

I tend to view any committed relationship as a sacred trust, although I could be in the minority on this site.

I Would suggest you look for BH threads on this site to help understand how your boyfriend feels and what is going through his mind.

Have you answered ALL of his questions.

Are you hiding other affairs he does not know about or financial lies?

Do you have children together?

Generally it takes a minimum of 2 years for recovery under the best of circumstances.

God Bless
Gamma

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redwood,

Post the letter. I will give you some tips on what would be good to say.

My guess is that your live-in is saying "not right now" because he has a girlfriend on the side. Sorry to say that, but you need to give it some consideration. You left, and I'm here to say he figured he would date.


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Thank you for the advice and perspective, SapphireReturns. Since I'm having trouble seeing straight right now, your guidance on not sending the letter is well taken. I feel he needs to know the affair is over, and that I'm committed to trying anything in the world to bring us back together, but I was having doubts that I needed to send it in a letter. I just get so emotional every time we talk in person, I thought the idea of letting him hear how I felt without watching me ball my eyes out at the ame time would be a more comfortable scenario for us both cry. But I will let the letter sit for now....and perhaps I'll see him this weekend to tell him in person. As much as it hurts, I'll end up signing the quit-deed (don't really have a choice and yes, can I blame him?). And I will try my hardest to give him the time he needs....

BTW, your MIL quote sounds exactly like what my MIL would say smile

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Gamma,

I'm such a newbie, I don't know how to quote specific pieces of your post, so I will answer your questions/comments below.

He doesn't have a lot of questions right now. Such a stoic man, I'm not surprised, really. But when/if he has them, I'm an open book.

First affair and no financial messiness. Our finances were always kept separate and it worked out beautifully. Much easier in my eyes...

No children, but....don't laugh....we have 5 cats that are like our children. They ended up being split up when I moved out. I have been granted full visitation rights for the 3 he kept. smile

Recovery lasting a minimum of 2 years.... I'm willing to endure that challenge if he's willing to even try. That's all I want...just for him to try.

Thank you for posting~


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schoolbus,

You're right, it's entirely possible that he'll date. In fact, after I asked him one time if he was veiwing this as a separation or really "the end", and his reply was "I don't know, it depends on my mood", I asked him that exact question. He admitted he probably would date, but nothing serious and not for a while. I have to struggle with the reality that I can't fight that with him; it's completely his choice to do as he pleases right now. And as much as seeing him date would crush me, if it would in someway let him recover and even possibly recognize/remember the good that we had, then I'll cross that bridge when/if we get there.

I don't, however, think he has a girlfriend on the side. Stranger things have happened, but I just don't have that suspicion right now.

As for the letter, I think I'm going to hold off on sending it, and thus on posting it (at least for now). Suffice it to say, it's up one side and down the other about how I realize now the 'fog" I was in, how incredibly remorseful and truly sorry I am for hurting him, how I understand now what I should have done to avoid the affair, how I want more than anything to try counceling and reconciliation, and how very, very much I love him. It's a long one, trust me.... blush

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RW

He doesn't have a lot of questions right now. Such a stoic man, I'm not surprised, really. But when/if he has them, I'm an open book.

Whatever you do, do NOT TRICKLE TRUTH HIM, that is where you tell him one week we only had sex one time, and the next month you tell him it was 25 times. Each time he discovers another lie you go back to square 1 and have to start over again.

Do a search on this site for "Trickle truth"

God Bless
Gamma

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Thanks for the advice, Gamma. Will do. I have LOTS of reading to do and tons of learning.... and this is just the beginning.

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How old are you and partner?


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
Legally Separated
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gg615- I'm 34 and he's 39. This is the most significant (and longest) relationship either of us have been in, neither have ever been married/divorced.

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Quote
My guess is that your live-in is saying "not right now" because he has a girlfriend on the side. Sorry to say that, but you need to give it some consideration. You left, and I'm here to say he figured he would date.

Given the scant amount of information contained in her posts, i have to ask what would make you conclude that the betrayed boyfriend is also cheating?


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
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Originally Posted by Redwood17
And as much as seeing him date would crush me,


Now imagine him seeing someone "while" you were together, you can understand how much pain he was in when you did this.

The best thing you can do now is start setting up your own boundaries so this will never happen again, read everything, read the books, who knows maybe he would want to reconcile SOMEDAY and when he's ready you'll be ready as well.

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Redwood,

Welcome to MB. YOu said more than a few things I feel the need to address. Harley has a book and perhaps an article on this site about "buyers" and "renters" I would really encourage you to find the book or the articles if they exist on this site. I have been here so long that I haven't kept up on the newest articles here. One of the things that you said bothers me on several levels. You said
Quote
My spouse and I are not married, never have been, but we�ve been together for 10.5 years. For the sake of this forum, consider our relationship as a marriage in every way except for the �piece of paper�; I hope you�re still willing to help.


Yes I and others are willing to help. However, when someone says that marriage is "just a piece of paper" I don't hold out much hope for the relationship. Here is why. I have been married a long time and everyone I know that has been married a long time understands something you don't.

The understand that marriage takes commitment to your spouse (I am sure you know this). But, marriage takes commitment to your vows/morals/honesty for the vows you take (you have not taken them are really to ones self because who is going to enforce them. You did not enforce your commitment to your BF and therefore you cheated. He could not of avoided your decisions, but you could have made a different decision.

Finally, for a successful marriage one needs to be as committed to the concept/vows of marriage as one is to the spouse. Because there will be times when wonders about the spouse or your own commitment and what gets you through is your commitment to the marriage itself, not just the spouse.

You refer to your BF as your spouse. You refer to yourself as his W and yet neither of you were willing to commit. Doesn't this say something? I think it does. If you want this relationship to continue you need to really rethink what commitment means and what you expect from someone who says they are committed to you.

I strongly urge you to read the articles on this site. But I also strongly urge you to read a book by Cloud and Townsend called Boundaries. It will help you see how to develop and protect your boundaries. But, before you do that you need to develop some and those boundaries should reflect who you really are and what you hold important in your life.

Now let's talk about your BF and what is going on with him. First, he has no basis to believe a word you say about OM. Second within the last two months you were "dead-set on trying to make a future with the OM". Now, you are not. Before the A you were "dead-set" on making a future with your BF, and then you were not. Are you seeing why your words won't hold much water right now?

This does not mean you don't have a chance, but before you do, you need to really sit down and think about yourself (strengths and weaknesses), your relationship (strengths, weaknesses, and what makes a good relationship in your mind), and your BF (strengths and weaknesses and why you would want to commit to him).

In short you start with assessing yourself and your life. It does no good to beat yourself up right now. It won't help you at all. It will do you a lot of good to figure out what you really want in your future, who you want in your future, and why. You need to discover the concept of boundaries and decide what boundaries are important to you. And you need to read about love busters, needs, and Harley's polices of joint agreement and radical honesty.

You have a lot of work to do, but the hardest will be to really assess yourself and your situation.

Ask lots of questions, and be ready for some 2x4's you will get some upside the head for sure. People are not going to be attacking you, but they will for sure attack your thinking and perspectives on certain things. Pay attention and figure out why they are doing that.

Must go.

God Bless,

JL

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american jin


"need time and space"

"moving forward"

"not right now"


Codewords of the wayward.


Lucky to be where I am, in a safe place to get marriage-related support.
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Originally Posted by Redwood17
NOTE: My spouse and I are not married, never have been, but we�ve been together for 10.5 years. For the sake of this forum, consider our relationship as a marriage in every way except for the �piece of paper�; I hope you�re still willing to help.


I cannot help you, because I will not participate in the "piece of paper" pretense that you subscribe to.

My 29 year old piece of paper feels very much dismissed by your comment.

I do, however, wish you well.

Adieu.

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Redwood.

This is what Pepper, JL and others are referring to in regards to your statement of "just a piece of paper."

Living Together Before Marriage
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025_qa.html


Living Together Before Marriage
Letter #2
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5025b_qa.html

Marriage IS a big deal. I encourage you to read these articles FIRST. You NEED to do this because you first need to know what you want.

85% of marriages in which the partners cohabitate prior to marriage end in divorce. There is a reason. Read those articles.

Then ask yourself, "We didnt even get to the getting married part... what do I really want?"

You posted
Quote
First affair and no financial messiness. Our finances were always kept separate and it worked out beautifully. Much easier in my eyes...

This is an example of "Renters Thinking" mentioned in those articles. I truly hope this helps and that you and your BSO (Betrayed Significant Other) can grow from this in some manner.


Lifelong recovery never ends.

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The reasons stated by Pep and others regarding the "piece of paper" comment are also why I would suspect the BSO has been dating.

He has not been "cheating".

That would not be possible. The female SO in this case moved out.

In the case of living together, that would signal the END of the relationship. She left, took on another Live-In Significant Other.

In this type of living arrangement, this is essentially (in the mind of a renter), divorce, then remarriage????? I would suppose, only without the "pieces of paper" that would go along with it. Right?

So, this essentially sets the first BSO free. Why not date? Why not go out, have a few friends? There is NOTHING TO PREVENT IT. The moment she left

he was a free man.


There was no marriage.
There was nothing to stop him.



And now, he says, he is "moving forward", "needs space", and wants to wait and see.


Sounds like he has something on his mind. Like.....dating.


As rough as this might sound, I can't help but wonder. The sad truth is that in a living-together arrangement, when it blows up


it is simply


over.

Marriage takes a lot longer to dissolve, which affords people a chance to FIX IT.

That's the difference, at least one of them, between a commitment, and "just living together". That "piece of paper" actually does perform a purpose. More than one, in fact.


SB


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^

I'm guilty of the "piece of paper" attitude at one time.

So, what has that "piece of paper" done?

Joint health insurance. Joint credit. Entwined social security. Joint property ownership. A shared last name.

10 years?

Let me tell you that after 10 years with that "piece of paper" it would have taken much more time to untangle and move on from than if we had never married.

So, here's a plan for you;

Kick him out, keep him out. Tell him that if he wants to get you back, he must court you all over again. Tell him if he wants to be with you, he cannot live with you or sleep with you again until you feel he is commited to you, and will demostrate his commitment and patience through a time frame that you decide, and after that time frame is passed, if he expects to live with you or have sex with you, he must marry you.

Want to win him back? How about you make yourself worth a little more, and give him something to work for?


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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I personally take offense when people talk about "the piece of paper" as if it means NOTHING. Well, to me IT MEANS A LOT.

It ISN'T "JUST A PIECE OF PAPER." Someone who is married and believes that should look more closely at THEMSELVES.

Marriage is a HUGE commitment. It is something to be held SACRED.

I have told my WH before that had he "cheated" on me prior to marriage, and prior to children, which were born well AFTER the POP(HA) I would have left an NEVER looked back. Only BECAUSE of that POP am I even thinking about recovering, if given the chance.

Guess this should have gone on the rants thread instead.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
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Plan B Dec18/09
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“Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.”
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
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