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What questions do you have? How could the folks here be of help to you? Have you read any of the articles here? If not do so as they will help you interpret what people are saying to you.
I found this website in early 2005 when my wife was having an affair. I merely lurked and eventually sent her a link to a story I thought she'd possibly learn from. SHE registered and starting posting here. Like you...I registered several weeks later and started posting myself.
Being on this board TOGETHER saved our marriage. Two years later we eventually did go to a Marriage Builders Weekend in Orlando, Florida but until then we learned the programs and applied the principles to our marriage right here in the forums (and from articles and such on the main website).
Actually I think for a large percentage of BH, betrayed husbands, this is the only place they have ever told their stories and feelings. There just isn't alot of support for cuckolded husbands as they are seen as more of a laughing stock.
Hi Helo and Welcome to MB. I am sorry that you find yourself here.
Have you read SAA? I know that Athena has read the first part, but have you read any of it?
I want to commend you for standing up for your marriage. You did the right thing by telling OMW. You also did the right thing by confronting OM.
Now, I want to ask you something about exposure. Athena has stated that the two of you don't think that her A needs to be exposed. I think that the false recovery that has been felt by OMW would show that exposure is important.
Do you know what POJA is? If you do, we will tell you that exposure is not part of it. Not exposing your F(?)WW is NOT protecting her. She needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. This is the only way your marriage will truly recover.
Hi Helo the Hero!!! You have been doing a fabulous job of busting up Athena's affair. WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS, MY FRIEND!!
This belongs on YOUR thread, you have earned it!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Welcome. I was also a betrayed husband. I found that the main thing I lacked at the start was understanding. Wanting to know why this happened, how it happened, when it happened, what caused it, etc.
"Surviving An Affair", by Dr. Willard Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, is the most important book I've ever read on this topic. It answered most of my questions, and paved the way for a -- so far -- beautiful marital recovery. Learning the four rules of Care, Protection, Time, and Honesty has made such a difference, it's as if I'm in a different marriage with a new and much more attentive and wonderful wife.
I don't have much to post to you, except to tell you that I applaud your actions in protecting your M! Well done!
You are in the beginning stages of recovering from this terrible thing. Don't be alarmed to feel a number of different emotions - often in short periods of time. This is known as the 'rollercoaster' as in one minute you're feeling positive, and the next minute you plunge into despair that things will ever be 'right' in your M again.
Keep your arms and legs inside the car until the ride comes to a complete stop. And stay on here with us. We'll help you and Athena get through this.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
Welcome aboard, it takes a strong man to come and work on his marriage. I think a lot of folks here wish there spouses would join as well, education and learning is something we can all use........... I have been here a year and I am also a BS. At first you just try to understand what happened and to make some kind of sense to it...... It takes time to process and work through, give yourself that time, learn and remember this is your chance to really get what you want in this relationship.......the best things in life come when you don't expect them to be there.............. see ya soon........
BW 56 WH 57 Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that..... DS 23, DS 25 D-Day Nov 23/09 NC Mar 1/10 Working on Recovery Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Helo, if there is anything less than complete and total no contact suggested with her OM, this is hopeless. That means they cannot ever see see other again and most certainly can't work at the same place.
How are you doing?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
We're working on setting up NC. OM has been away from work for the last couple weeks. When OM sent a message asking if my wife was planning to quit (and that if she didn't he would) I had told him that my wife has no plans to quit her job. I've had no further contact with OM but I hope he's been spending his time off looking for another job.
My wife has revealed the affair to her managers at work. The managers are trying to accommodate NC. As part of that discussion my wife has heard that OM is being removed from her job site by the employer (something that has been in the works for a while; not directly related to the exposure of the affair). So it looks like NC is becoming a reality.
How are you two doing with the rest of the materials, specifically have you been able to schedule and spend at least 15-25 hours a week together?
I often find early recovery a difficult period of time to accomplish much other than just spending time together. In fact...distractions from the serious matters at hand are often welcomed releases for BOTH parties. She's not going to be "cured" and "unfoggy" overnight. I think both of you realize this...so just go out and do things together. Allow "actions" to proceed "feelings" trusting that the "feelings" will follow.
True repentance is a gift that takes time. It's not a box you open to reveal the "surprise" inside.
Thanks for your post Scotland, I'll provide an update on a a few things.
I haven't read all of SAA yet, but we're working on it together. I don't have the book in front of me so I can't list the sections/chapters by heart, but we're going through the work of the emotional needs questionnaire/checklist.
Since your post we have performed some exposure ("performed" doesn't feel like the right term but hopefully it works for you). - We have told a close friend who is a mutual friend with us, OM and OMW. We owed it to him so that he understood why things between us and OM/OMW suddenly took a turn. - We each have told our employers...we work in a field where it's a pretty small community in our city so the rumour mill can move pretty fast around town. I wanted my manager to know about it for when things start coming in on the grapevine. And my wife told her managers. They are sympathetic to the concept of NC and it turns out that the OM was probably going to be removed from her jobsite regardless of managements new knowledge of the A. So that should nearly cement the NC. - My wife revealed the A to our female neighbour... my wife felt she had been cutting off overtures of friendship from our neighbour due to all the uncertainty in her life during the A. She wanted to apologize for that, reveal the A as the cause and wants to initiate a closer relationship with our neighbour. One thing I think my wife has been missing is a close girlfriend, so I'm really glad that she and our neighbour can reboot their relationship too.
There are ups and downs over the last couple of weeks. But no downs as sickening as they had been between her initial disclosure of the A but prior to her revelation to me that she had not been adhering to NC. Since that time I subsequently informed OMW of this contact and took more control of her phone, email, communications, etc.
We are working through SAA and I feel that things are on the right track. Though I'm not naive enough to think it's a simply journey to recovery.
We are struggling with getting the 15 hours a week together. Maybe these are excuses, but with the kids and their activities, Christmas coming up, etc. we're finding it hard. In fact, my wife just called me to express great distress about that very topic. Her mood drastically changed in the last day and she hadn't been very forthcoming about what the problem was. Finally today she said she feels that nothing between us is changing in her mind and that we really need to work on the together-time. She was almost frantic about it.
I know we need to work harder to get the 15+ hours together. Part of my uncertainty revolves around what her definition or expectation is for the time we want to spend together. I think she has a very strict definition of the things we should talk about or do during this time...but I don't know if she can really explain this definition to me or herself.
It feels strange and uncomfortable to sit down together and try to conjure up some topic of the day to discuss. Since we've started looking at the concepts of MB and SAA, everything we talk about revolves around that stuff...a very narrow scope of conversation. Shouldn't/wouldn't quality time spent with each other include things like talking about world events/news, our day at work, the latest shenanigans of the kids, activities we can share (like her teaching me to play Super Mario on the wii :), wrapping Christmas presents, etc)? Lately I feel guilty or feel like she's mad at me if I do talk about any of those everyday/mundane things with her...I feel like she thinks I'm going down an irrelevant path and the only valid discussions we can have revolve around the A, or recovery, or MB or SAA.
I'm trying here, but she sure doesn't think that I am.
Shouldn't/wouldn't quality time spent with each other include things like talking about world events/news, our day at work, the latest shenanigans of the kids, activities we can share (like her teaching me to play Super Mario on the wii :), wrapping Christmas presents, etc)?
Yes, of course.
You talked about anything and everything when you were courting.
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The Policy of Undivided Attention
Before you were married, spending time alone with each other was your highest priority. You probably spent the majority of your leisure time together, and the time you spent together was probably the most enjoyable part of every week.
You tried to talk to each other every day. If you couldn't be with each other face-to-face, you talked on the telephone, maybe for hours. And when you were together, you gave each other your undivided attention.
But after marriage, like so many other couples, you may find that you can be in the same room together and yet ignore each other emotionally. What's even worse, you may find that you are not even in the same room together very often, particularly after your children arrived.
Truer words have never been spoken. I mainly find myself reacting to my wife's rollercoaster. I find the ups and downs very distressing...at times I have been physically sick about the downs. I know in theory that the price being paid now can result in a stronger, better marriage...making the emotional toll worth it...but it's sure hard to keep that goal in mind when I'm being put through hell.
It's funny but my wife and I filled in a lot of time discussing the other infidelity situations we read about on these forums. Helping others became our "recreational companionship" and through discussing their problems we could often come back to discussing ours in relation to theirs.
I'm so very glad she's so on board with this stuff. So many aren't and they take a lot of time going through withdrawal and having to be led here kicking and screaming. So often I advise BH's NOT to push "relationship talk" so it seems odd (in a good way) to see a BH getting overwhelmed with "relationship talk". I sincerely think you've got a good one on your hands destined to be a super FORMER wayward wife for life.
That being said...still try and find diversions where everything isn't so serious. It's good for both of you. Despite appearances often the recently foggy, in their attempts to right the ship too quickly end up saying the most hurtful things compounding the injuries. They inadvertently start dividing up "blame" when it's not yet the time to do that (the victim, you, rarely feels comfortable accepting much blame for their spouses affair because it wasn't your fault but the wayward is still foggy and FEELS there is, at least, some blame to pass around). That's not their place. If, later on in recovery, you feel the need to accept (without feeling pressured to do so) some blame for the marital woes affecting the marriage pre-affair that's fine but again, being told so by your recently wayward spouse just doesn't accomplish anything in the beginning. It so often leads to the endless circular conversations about the past when you really need to be concentrating on the NOW (15 hours or more of undivided time doing things TOGETHER you both enjoy).
You are still living the feelings of betrayal RIGHT NOW. Spend time concentrating (re)building a new life TOGETHER and once you've put some distance between the recent pain and your new life you'll both be able to look back more objectively (and less emotionally) than you can hope to right now.
When you are spending your time together don't forget to laugh a little, have fun together, go for walks, play with the kids.............go to the movies, simple things, ice cream, go for a drive in the car, a little hot chocolate....... get the idea, just be together and enjoy each other's company, ask for advice if you have a problem to solve.........decorate the house for Xmas together........remember the good times you have had in the past......... Learn to laugh again........
BW 56 WH 57 Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that..... DS 23, DS 25 D-Day Nov 23/09 NC Mar 1/10 Working on Recovery Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
Last night we agreed to try and re-focus on spending time together and following the rules (Protection, Care, Time, Honesty). But I don't know how we're supposed to reconcile the concept of Protection with Honesty. In the name of Honest WW said some hurtful things last night. Protection went flying out the window. The rollercoaster went off the tracks but I was still in the car.
Is there one rule that's more important than the other? Should Honesty be sacrificed for the sake of Protection...or visa versa?
You have been doing a fabulous job of busting up Athena's affair. WELCOME TO MARRIAGE BUILDERS, MY FRIEND!! 