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Reconciliation after divorce #2459112
01/02/11 07:39 PM
01/02/11 07:39 PM
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meanttobe Offline OP
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meanttobe  Offline OP
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I was referred to this forum because I'm looking for people who reconciled after the divorce. My exhusband and I are newly divorced due to several issues from depression to an EA (him). I do still love him with all my heart and I know he still has some feelings for me.

Do you know, or do you think it is possible to get your exhusband back with plan A, plan B or 180?
Do you know anyone who has reconciled (successfully) after divorce? How did you do it?
I see a lot of posts about how to date after divorce but can't find much about reconciliation after divorce.


Married for 12 years
BW: 36
DH: 45 (EA 08/10-12/10)
2 kids
D: since 12/20/10
Still living together for financial reasons
Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: meanttobe] #2459115
01/02/11 07:48 PM
01/02/11 07:48 PM
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Ontario, Canada
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Scotland Offline
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MTB, I only know of one MB poster who has reconciled after a D and that was Johnstwin.

Does your XWH want to reconcile?

You still live together for financial reasons? If you entered into a Plan B, you understand that would need to change right?

Is your XWH still in an A?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: meanttobe] #2459116
01/02/11 07:50 PM
01/02/11 07:50 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 90,475
Texas
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MelodyLane Offline
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meantobe, I am confused by what you mean about "reconciliation" since you have never separated. Am I understanding this correctly that your H has been allowed to carry on his affair in your home all this time?

What was the point of getting the divorce if he had no intention of breaking up? Was it so he would be allowed to carry on his affair in your home?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt


Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: Scotland] #2459126
01/02/11 08:14 PM
01/02/11 08:14 PM
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meanttobe Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Scotland
MTB, I only know of one MB poster who has reconciled after a D and that was Johnstwin.

Does your XWH want to reconcile?

You still live together for financial reasons? If you entered into a Plan B, you understand that would need to change right?

Is your XWH still in an A?


I'm not sure if he does. He seems sad ever since the divorce is final. He seeks closeness. Not during the day but at night. He kisses me. Holds me. We do have sex once in a while. I can't help it since he's great in bed and I need it too.

I am not sure if he's still in the EA. His behaviors in that regard have changed ever since I exposed it. His phone now is not glued to him anymore. He actually tells me where it is so I could check it if I wanted to. There's no more hiding phones or clicking away websites when I just walk in. But no. I'm not sure.

Yes. I understand that. I will move into my own apartment by March.


Married for 12 years
BW: 36
DH: 45 (EA 08/10-12/10)
2 kids
D: since 12/20/10
Still living together for financial reasons
Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: MelodyLane] #2459136
01/02/11 08:34 PM
01/02/11 08:34 PM
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Posts: 11
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meanttobe Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
meantobe, I am confused by what you mean about "reconciliation" since you have never separated. Am I understanding this correctly that your H has been allowed to carry on his affair in your home all this time?

What was the point of getting the divorce if he had no intention of breaking up? Was it so he would be allowed to carry on his affair in your home?



I didn't know he had an EA until shortly before the divorce. I don't even now how long it went on. It could've been a month, could've been 2. Could've been a couple of weeks. But looking back at his behavior, not leaving his phone out of sight, changing passwords etc. I timed the EA from August to December. I found out about it in December, exposed it and signed the damn papers out of anger. I know I shouldn't have done it but I am very temperamental (Italian blood) and purely acted out of anger.

I don't understand this last part of your post. He promised me in the beginning of our marriage that he would end us first before he started with someone else. And I guess in his mind he did so by telling me he wants a divorce and then engaging in his EA.
I am not sure if he'd want to reconcile. I think I see signs of love that he has left for me, but I'm not him, so I don't know for sure, it's just my interpretation.
I want to be sure I tried everything before having to move on, because I know he's a very emotional person too and making decisions out of emotions, not a good trait I know.

If there is a chance for us to reconcile I want to try. I'm just trying to figure out what I need to do to have a shot at it.
I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.


Married for 12 years
BW: 36
DH: 45 (EA 08/10-12/10)
2 kids
D: since 12/20/10
Still living together for financial reasons
Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: meanttobe] #2459147
01/02/11 08:50 PM
01/02/11 08:50 PM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 90,475
Texas
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MelodyLane Offline
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Originally Posted By: meanttobe
[ He promised me in the beginning of our marriage that he would end us first before he started with someone else.


But he didn't end your marriage, he is still right there. He has been right there in your home carrying on his affair all this time. All that has happened is that he has been allowed to carry on his affair right from your home.

Quote:
I am not sure if he'd want to reconcile.


But he has never separated. How can you reconcile something that has never been broken, except on paper?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt


Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: MelodyLane] #2459160
01/02/11 09:10 PM
01/02/11 09:10 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
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meanttobe Offline OP
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meanttobe  Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Originally Posted By: meanttobe
[ He promised me in the beginning of our marriage that he would end us first before he started with someone else.


But he didn't end your marriage, he is still right there. He has been right there in your home carrying on his affair all this time. All that has happened is that he has been allowed to carry on his affair right from your home.

Quote:
I am not sure if he'd want to reconcile.


But he has never separated. How can you reconcile something that has never been broken, except on paper?


Ok.I understand now. I can't change the situation right now. I will be in my own apartment by March 1. Then we will be separated for sure.

What would your advice be then?


Married for 12 years
BW: 36
DH: 45 (EA 08/10-12/10)
2 kids
D: since 12/20/10
Still living together for financial reasons
Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: meanttobe] #2459177
01/02/11 09:57 PM
01/02/11 09:57 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,254
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EverAfter2010 Offline
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I have a good friend, hopeandpray, who is remarried to his W, but he worked the MB plan to a T.

I think that 1)you have to expose the ema and 2)you must apply the carrot and STICK (esp the stick part) and 3) he has to be joyfully on board to do WHATEVER and anything it takes to want to win you back, which would mean MB counseling and maybe even coming here (after he ends the ema).

I'm w/Mel. He hasn't ended his affair, all he did was EAT MORE CAKE. And you're servin' up some yummy post divorce devils' food chocolate cake girl.

Time to close the damn bakery and find out of the ema is over.


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: EverAfter2010] #2459178
01/02/11 10:00 PM
01/02/11 10:00 PM
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,254
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EverAfter2010 Offline
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EverAfter2010  Offline
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What is his motivation to end the ema now? Seriously. I mean, he has SF with you now, and possibly the ow too.

If a man has all his EN's met and gets the good life w/two women, what is to make him want to change?

If he doesn't have motivation to change, then he won't and this pathetic little man-ho will keep on doing this until judgement day.

So you have a choice. Do you want to really save the former marriage? Or do you want to cut bait and move on?

If you want to reconcile, I suggest following plan A and B to a T and that means exposure. Nuclear exposure. I'm sure the ow would love to know how you and xhubby are cozy all the time huh?


Change happens by listening and then starting a dialogue with the people who are doing something you don't believe is right. ~Jane Goodall
Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: EverAfter2010] #2459190
01/02/11 10:27 PM
01/02/11 10:27 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
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meanttobe Offline OP
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meanttobe  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 11
Originally Posted By: peachyisback
What is his motivation to end the ema now? Seriously. I mean, he has SF with you now, and possibly the ow too.

If a man has all his EN's met and gets the good life w/two women, what is to make him want to change?

If he doesn't have motivation to change, then he won't and this pathetic little man-ho will keep on doing this until judgement day.

So you have a choice. Do you want to really save the former marriage? Or do you want to cut bait and move on?

If you want to reconcile, I suggest following plan A and B to a T and that means exposure. Nuclear exposure. I'm sure the ow would love to know how you and xhubby are cozy all the time huh?


You are right. I'm not helping the situation. for him to miss me.
I'm not sure the EA is over, but I know it's just an online EA.
I do want to rebuild our relationship more than anything. And the plan A and B sounds good. The only question I have is how do I get him to end the EA if it's not over yet. Because technically he can do whatever he wants now that we're divorced. If the wish for reconciliation came from him it would be easier, but it's all me right now.
I want him to realize that he does still have feelings for me and I want him to get to the point where he misses me and falls in love with me again.
It would all be easier if I was in my own apartment already.


Married for 12 years
BW: 36
DH: 45 (EA 08/10-12/10)
2 kids
D: since 12/20/10
Still living together for financial reasons
Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: meanttobe] #2459228
01/03/11 01:08 AM
01/03/11 01:08 AM
Joined: Sep 2010
Posts: 496
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clark_kent Offline
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Quote:

You are right. I'm not helping the situation. for him to miss me.


This is for Plan B.

Quote:

It would all be easier if I was in my own apartment already.


It is much harder to Plan A when living in two homes.

Plan A is to meet as much of his ENs as possible (Carrot).
Plan A is to ferret out as much information about OW and get the information on the A (EA/PA), then EXPOSE to family and friends, and work (if OW is co-worker) (Stick).
Do not tolerate affair in your home (Stick).

In @Pepperband's sig line is the Plan A Carrot and Stick thread. Read this!

You do have a problem though. It is the amount of time to Plan A. You won't be ready to initiate, if required, a Plan B for approximately 12 weeks. For women it is recommended no longer than 6 weeks to Plan A. You need to figure this out.

Have you read through LoveBusters article?

What is your WH top ENs?

Do you know what the Intimate ENs are?

Last edited by clark_kent; 01/03/11 01:09 AM.
Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: clark_kent] #2459237
01/03/11 03:57 AM
01/03/11 03:57 AM
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
J
Just Learning Offline
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Just Learning  Offline
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Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Yes,

There have been others here who have recovered their marriage after the divorce. It is too late tonight for me to find one of the posters. I will look it up for you tomorrow. It is a lot of reading as she had probably a 1000 posts, but it should offer you some insight.

His affair must end first as the others have said.

JL

Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: Just Learning] #2459270
01/03/11 08:34 AM
01/03/11 08:34 AM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 90,475
Texas
M
MelodyLane Offline
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MelodyLane  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 90,475
Texas
meantobe, you won't be able to recover your marriage until he ends his affair. I would not allow him to carry on an affair in my home, in my presence. That is your issue.

By allowing him to carry on his affair all this time in your home, he has been trained to be a cake eater. And you have enabled him!! He would be crazy to give up his cake eater situation where he has his needs met by TWO women and no one ever objects!

So that is where I would start. End his affair. I don't care if he is divorced or not, conducting affairs with other women in your home is unacceptable and I would put a stop to that immediately.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt


Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: MelodyLane] #2459272
01/03/11 08:44 AM
01/03/11 08:44 AM
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 90,475
Texas
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MelodyLane Offline
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MelodyLane  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2001
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mtb, you have made it entirely too easy for your H to destroy your marriage by carrying on his affair. He has disrespected you in the worst way.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt


Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: Just Learning] #2459304
01/03/11 09:52 AM
01/03/11 09:52 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 553
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Harmony2010 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Just Learning
Yes,

There have been others here who have recovered their marriage after the divorce. It is too late tonight for me to find one of the posters. I will look it up for you tomorrow. It is a lot of reading as she had probably a 1000 posts, but it should offer you some insight.

His affair must end first as the others have said.

JL


I think the poster was called Hopeful_Person.

I will bump the thread for you so look out for it, they were divorced and it was about the ex wife after being in an affair for 2 years, trying to reconcile with the ex-husband.

You really need to follow the steps for to expose the A ect...


BW/FWW 34 (Harmony)
BH/WH 36

Feb 2009 - Affair starts, physical for 9 days on business trip.
Mar 2009 - Separate from H, live alone
Apr 2009 - realise I have made big mistake and attempt reconciliation with H, establish NC with OM.
Jun 2009 - H physical and emotional serial A start right upto present day.
Jul 2009 - NC with OM broken and becomes EA
Mar 2010 - H reads email and discovers A
Jul 2010 - Discover MB
Aug 2010 - Plan A starts
Oct 2010 - Plan B starts
Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: Harmony2010] #2459385
01/03/11 01:25 PM
01/03/11 01:25 PM
Joined: Dec 2009
Posts: 1,921
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helpthelostdads Offline
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What youre doing right now is feeding into his sense that hes letting you down easy by telling you things he wants to hear.

The fact of the matter is that youre now divorced and he has full license to do as he wishes.

So, in that light, how would you treat him if he was a boyfriend who was cheating on you?

Youd dump him.

So my recommendation is that you go to plan B and cutoff all contact.

My dad felt guilty about cheating on my mom as well. Like your H, he tried to keep contact with my mom and appease her to assuage his guilt. Yet he continued to see tons of women.

Want to get him back? Move on. Start living your life. Let him see youre moving on.

Youre a free woman now. Have him think youre going on a few dates and watch his attitude change.

You see, right now he sees you as the fallback option. He thinks you will always be there.

Give him the illusion that youre going out on a date and watch his tone change.

Give him the illusion that hes going to lose you for good.

What do I mean by give him the illusion?

Youre by no means ready to date again. But nothing prevents you from dressing to the nines, going out with your girlfriends for a movie and dinner, and letting him think youre going on a date. If he asks what youre up to, be coy. Tell him that youre a divorced woman and no longer have to answer to his questions. He gave up that right when he divorced you.

Dont make it a fight. Simply state it as a matter of fact. It will throw him for a massive loop.

Hes got you in the palm of his hand. Youre feeding into it.

Finally, I too wanted my WW back after we divorced.

Today? Im glad she never came back. Im married to someone infinitely better.

So getting him back isnt always the best thing. Odds are pretty high you can upgrade. He is, after all, an unrepentant cheater.

Unless hes willing to become a FWH, he remains a wayward, which no one deserves to be married to.

Re: Reconciliation after divorce [Re: helpthelostdads] #2459432
01/03/11 02:26 PM
01/03/11 02:26 PM
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
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Just Learning Offline
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Just Learning  Offline
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mtb,

Harmony is right the person went by the name hopeful_person. I have bookmarked what Harmony found for you here hopeful_person

Please note that if you left click on her name once you open the bookmark you will see a list one of which is view posts. Click on that and you can then follow her story from beginning to end.

I hope this helps you.

JL

Last edited by Just Learning; 01/03/11 02:27 PM.


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