Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 5
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 5
I am a mom of two children and have been divorced for almost a year now. I live alone and share custody with my ex-husband 1wk on and 1wk off. I left him after I found out he was having an affair with a married woman.

He has a new girlfriend however this one is also married. She drove out from the east coast to the west and brought her teenage daughter with her after some explosive drama happened back home and moved right in with my ex-husband in Nov. My kids had only met her once before she moved in.

She doesn't work and picks up my kids from school, cuts their hair and does their homework with them. My kids are having an extremely difficult time adjusting to the change and I have already had heated discussions with him about what he's expecting of them in addition to what he's teaching them. I called him last night and asked him not to relinquish being a parent and just handing off the homework to her. He got angry and hung up on me. I texted him and said it was nice of her to help, but she has her own daughter to take care of.

How do I handle this? I'm FORCED to deal with this woman who hates my guts and lives with my children. She's turned my ex into a hateful jerk who used to co-parent well with me.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Did you sue on grounds of adultery? Even if you didn't, I think I would have your attorney revisit custody and have it put in your papers that your children not be exposed to his filthy affairs. Many of our betrayed spouses on the SAA forum had this put in their visitation papers.

And since your h has obvious moral issues, I would try and get his visitation cut way back. Some states don't care, but many do. He is teaching your kids that wrong is right. Talk about screwing with their heads! crazy

Also, Dr Harley does not advocate "co-parenting" when the marriage ends over adultery. [the vast majority of divorces are not amicable] That is bad for the mental health of the betrayed spouse and it sends the wrong message to your children. It tells them it is cool to be "friends" with an adulterer and a liar.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 5
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 5
I live in a no fault state and unless the children's health, safety and welfare are in jeopardy, they don't care.

I have a huge file that I'm keeping everything in when he blows it with the kids. Missing homework assignments, missing giving daily medication to our oldest son etc. I don't see how he can possibly continue to afford supporting a family of 5 along with 3 pets on his income alone so I'm hoping that the time will come that I can prove to the court that he can't afford them and I will be awarded full physical/legal custody.

He's been lying to them about his girlfriend's circumstances and I keep telling them the truth, but now they're so confused they don't know what or who to believe anymore. frown They can't fathom that an adult (especially their parent) would lie to them, ya know?

We aren't "friends" but we do have to talk when it comes to the kids and their schoolwork, problems at home, illnesses etc. Why does this woman feel she can be a parent to my children? I don't get the sense of entitlement at all.

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 170
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 170
I know how you feel. The OW in my sitch just told my kids they can call her "mom". Anyway, his sexcapades and living arrangements aren't grounds. Just a bit of fuel for the fire once you get to court. Missing meds and homework is. Keep documenting, forget communicating with the X. I would cut all communications off that isn't directly necessary. Let him figure some stuff out on his own without your guidance, as I'm sure you're doing the lionshare of the parenting anyway.

When you feel the time and circumstance are right, and if you're relatively confident the kids would rather be with you, you might consider hiring a best interest attorney for them and suing for full custody.

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 5
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 5
I think it might be time. I just got my oldest son's report card and he went from being an A/B student to mostly C's and low marks for effort and that's not my son!!

He is scheduled to see his counselor on Monday and so I'm going to talk to his dad about this and then quietly go to court to file a motion for full legal custody at least. I do not have the money for an attorney unfortunately. Single mom, no other income (alimony or child support).

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 170
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 170
There are free or no cost family legal services in almost every state for those who cannot pay. Google "free legal" and the state you live in. When it comes to family law especially, these services are available to advocate for the child.

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 5
S
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
S
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 5
Thank you, fellspoint. I refuse to let my kids drown in this crap.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: stronger_now

We aren't "friends" but we do have to talk when it comes to the kids and their schoolwork, problems at home, illnesses etc. .


SN, you really don't. Dr Harley suggests communicating through a neutral 3rd party. It has worked wonders for many here.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 552
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 552
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation and totally understand you being concerned for your children.

However, you have answered your own question on what you can do in a no-fault state. Anything short of doing drugs openly in front of the children or physical abuse, there's really no cause for a judge to change custody agreements. Feel terrible about your son's grades, but the best you can do is be stable as rock from your end and try to influence him when he's with you.

Also disagree with the Melody's take on going dark or through a neutral third party. That is recommended by Dr. Harley when you are actively trying to save a marriage by showing the WS you will no longer meet their EN's while the affair is still active, known as "plan B".

Doesn't necessarily apply to a post-divorce situation. The best for all involved, especially the children in a shared custody arrangement, is for the parents to cooperate with each other in a cordial and businesslike manner when it comes to co-parenting. You shouldn't have to deal with you XH's squeeze, I would politely refuse to discuss parenting matters with her and talk directly to XH. Otherwise, keep it cordial and always have the children's best interest in mind.

Now, if your XH is being unreasonable or uncooperative, then you might want to go dark to protect yourself, but it shouldn't be a plan B situation post-divorce.

Last edited by schtoop; 01/06/11 04:21 PM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
schtoop, Plan B is not to "save a marriage" but to protect the BS from the emotional turmoil of exposure to the WS. Many BS who divorced/getting divorced are in Plan B and have been for years. I don't think you have a clear understanding of Plan B.

Originally Posted By: schtoop

Also disagree with the Melody's take on going dark or through a neutral third party. That is recommended by Dr. Harley when you are actively trying to save a marriage by showing the WS you will no longer meet their EN's while the affair is still active, known as "plan B".


No, it is not. Dr Harley advises BS's whose marriages broke up over adultery end all contact with the WS. He just discussed it on his radio show this Monday, January 3rd and has recommended this quite often. Radio show here Instead, he recommends contact be conducted through a 3rd party. That is best for all concerned.

Quote:
The best for all involved, especially the children in a shared custody arrangement, is for the parents to cooperate with each other in a cordial and businesslike manner when it comes to co-parenting.


No, it is not best for all involved. "Co-parenting" is a mythological concoction. There is no benefit for divorced parents communicating. That is a myth. It often creates conflict and hard feelings and makes it harder for the BS to recover. It usually causes more harm than good.

There is simply no need to stay in touch with a former spouse. It doesn't help the kids and is usually very uncomfortable for the spouses. Most divorces are not "amicable," [another ideological myth] so it just causes turmoil. That is not good for the parents or the kids...



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: stronger_now
How do I handle this? I'm FORCED to deal with this woman who hates my guts and lives with my children. She's turned my ex into a hateful jerk who used to co-parent well with me.


strongernow, please listen to Dr Harley's advice and don't believe what you hear about "co-parenting" nonsense. It is a myth that it is best for the kids. Staying in touch with your jerk of a husband helps no one: not your kids, not you, no one. It just keeps you in emotional turmoil. Don't abandon your mental health on the mythological altar of "co-parenting."



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,806
Likes: 7
As a child of divorce, the best thing in the world for me was for all contact with my wayward parent to cease. Of course, that isn't always legally possible, but I was fortunate. Co-parenting? You've got to be kidding.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: markos
As a child of divorce, the best thing in the world for me was for all contact with my wayward parent to cease. Of course, that isn't always legally possible, but I was fortunate. Co-parenting? You've got to be kidding.


You know what I remember the most? I remember my wayward father calling and my mother, IN TEARS, throwing the phone up against the wall. I remember another time when my mother - being the good "co-parent" - was screaming on the phone at some woman. [my father had committed bigamy with her] Having my parents in contact only caused further turmoil in our home. There is no reason for it. Other that to feel cute and trendy about some mythological "co-parenting."


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
MelodyLane and Markos sure have *ME* convinced!

My WxW and I had no children together, but I can state categorically for the record that nothing has hastened and enhanced my recovery from the destruction she caused more than 100% NO CONTACT with her.

I'd say your mileage might vary, but I'd be wrong. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I'd guarantee your results would be just like mine.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 25
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 25
When considering circumstances, if a child doesn't like someone who was intrustive of their safety (i.e. their family, their home life), should we force a child to say that they find that person okay? If a burglar breaks into your home, are you going to give your valuables away just because the robber might be financially desperate?


ME: 36
WH/STBX:40
Married: 2/14/93
A: 5/04
Seperated/Divorcing: 8/10
DS: 11 (autistic)
DS: 13 (aspergers syndrome)
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 170
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 170
Sadly, the courts don't always agree with no contact/no cooperation. So, while pursuing no contact, be careful in how you go about it. I remember when going through my custody battle, my kids Best Interest Attorney thought it was questional parenting on my part, my decision not to meet the OW and come to a cooperative understanding regarding her regular contact (raising) of my children. I got custody despite this, but only because I never bashed her or my husband to my kids or to them. They sent many an unpleasant text or email to me, which didn't work in their favor.

In the end I decided I could never have a cooperative relationship with her or my X despite the BIAs advice to the contrary.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: fellspointmom
my kids Best Interest Attorney thought it was questional parenting on my part, my decision not to meet the OW and come to a cooperative understanding regarding her regular contact (raising) of my children.


I am ENRAGED and disgusted on your behalf. rant2 I can think of no better way to keep you jacked up over the affair than having to deal with that skank. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{fellspointmom}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You really should listen to that radio clip, Dr Harley addresses this situation. The bad thing about divorce courts is their only goal is to find the path of least resistence at any and all cost. They don't care about children and care even less about the betrayed spouse. Their job is to make their job easy and the family be damned. It is very sad.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 2,531
Fellspointmom is correct. I've even heard of courts awarding primary custody to the affairage parent because they can provide a 2-parent household which they perceived as better for the children than a single parent household. How crappy is that?

Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 170
F
Member
Offline
Member
F
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 170
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
[quote=fellspointmom]having to deal with that skank. {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{fellspointmom}}}}}}}}}}}}}


Funny you should use that word. I had a bit of a misstep with my daughter the other day when she told me now that daddy and Ms. X are married, Ms. X told her she could call her "mom". My reaction to that included the same word.

Lost my cool a bit on that one...

Anyway, point is proceed with caution. Generally speaking, I am all for no contact, but there are varying degrees when kids are involved, especially in the eyes of the court. Text and email (avoid phone calls) to the X about the kids when necessary, be brief, avoid hostility, be to the point. Factor her out entirely and make sure X knows of your decision to do so. If she is picking up and dropping off, sadly, not much you can do about that. Make sure the X knows she is not to engage you and you won't respond if she tries.

Avoid hostility as it can hurt in the end. I feel for you and feel your pain!!

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 537
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 537
Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
[quote=fellspointmom]
You really should listen to that radio clip, Dr Harley addresses this situation. The bad thing about divorce courts is their only goal is to find the path of least resistence at any and all cost. They don't care about children and care even less about the betrayed spouse. Their job is to make their job easy and the family be damned. It is very sad.


BINGO!!!! it's sad but true and it sucks for the BS BIG time.

"Fellspointmom is correct. I've even heard of courts awarding primary custody to the affairage parent because they can provide a 2-parent household which they perceived as better for the children than a single parent household. How crappy is that?"

A friend of mine's WxH is in the process of his second engagement in a year, only this time the kids do not like the new wife to be. She is 12 years younger than their father and 12 years older than the son....hmmm.... at any rate when asked if the new wife to be is nice to the kids their response is most of the time!... awesome right and the one is a barely a teenage and the other is 6. I know this is the only reason he is trying to get married in a hurry. He hates to part with money and will file primary custody again and probly win....STINKO!!!!!


Truth can stand on it's own two feet....A lie needs support....FRM
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 33 guests, and 78 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Ella Paradis, Lethabo, Livn1dayAtaTime, widup, Reggg
71,683 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,528
Posts2,322,563
Members71,682
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5