I have seen threads to do with Plan A, but nothing specifically dedicated to Plan B...

What I do see though is lots of people doing a shoddy Plan B -or rather a Plan C which is just a no plan situation which causes lots of pain.

I have got my sanity back in Plan B and think we should shout about it a bit more. Especially as lots of BSs seem to find the prospect daunting.

I have had some compliments about my Plan B, but there have been lots of rookie mistakes made in my plan which I could have avoided.

So I would love the vets (especially master plan B-er Scotty) to put their pearls in the one place...

Dr H says:

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B.
While I have seen remarkable success by people using plan A and plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s spouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder."

As it turns out, most affairs end within six months of their seeing the light of day (being revealed to their family and friends), and almost all affairs end without leading to marriage. That's because affairs are based on dishonesty and thoughtlessness for the feelings of others. That same dishonesty and thoughtlessness eventually turns on the lovers themselves, and the affair is destroyed by those same flaws that made it possible in the first place. So when passion is gone from an affair, a wayward spouse is usually motivated to return to the betrayed spouse by all of these other factors. For most, it's a logical choice.

Be prepared for Plan B

Get legal advice about support and finances

Separate your finances

See physician about anti-depressants if necessary

Get your own bank account that WS does not have access to

Change pins and passwords to accounts, etc

Get an intermediary set up who will pass messages between you.

Make sure intermediary understands their role in Plan B

Make arrangements for a family/friend to arrange a handover of any children if necessary

Write a Plan B letter (post on the forum for tips)

Make a copy of the Plan B letter to be sent to AP with a note - "I can make WS happy and will wait for WS to give me that chance"

Pack up the WS belongings ready to move them out of the house.

Block all avenues of communication

ALL wayward spouses test the fences so make sure they are strong.
Yes - ALL of them. Weak fences make for a weak Plan B.

Change mobile number and email Blocking the WS is less effective but better than nothing.

Block WS and AP on network sites so you cannot see them or be tempted to check on them

Change landline number

Heal

Tell people not to tell you any news of the WS

Put away pictures, triggers, mementos.

Avoid things that trigger any betrayal memories

Grieve

Protect

BSs are very vulnerable to revenge affairs. Keep your boundaries high. Do not allow members of the opposite sex to console you or meet your needs in any way.

Thrive

Make a plan for a new life that does not include WS

Learn something new, meet new people

Treat yourself, make your days happy with good plans

Tick things off your bucket list

Re-visit your career options

There is also this thread which is in the notable posts section.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

I think that the hardest part for anyone in Plan A is the transition into Plan B, since it feels like giving up. You are only truly giving up the marriage you had pre-A and what it turned into during the A. Which in my opinion isn't something that you would want to keep anyhow.

So instead of looking at Plan B as the end of your marriage, think of it as the end of the bad marriage, and the beginning of something much more wonderful. You will either get to experience marital recovery, or personal recovery. Neither of those is any worse than the other.

Plan B seems frightening at first, but after you get through the withdrawal, it really does help heal you. Recovery takes TIME, and that is the one thing you will have in abundance while in Plan B.

I too have had some "slips" in Plan B, but they were a lot less than if I hadn't leaned on THIS forum and the great people found within these words. MB, Plan A and Plan B really DOES help you, whether you save your marriage or not. I wish everyone the peace that comes from being in Plan B.

The most important thing to do after you enter Plan B is to STAY DARK. NO COMMUNICATION.

And that part of you that WANTS your WS to contact you so you will KNOW that you are important, IT DOESN"T HELP YOU AT ALL.

It is important to do a GREAT Plan B to show your WS that you are serious. If you aren't serious about doing a well-executed Plan B, you would be better off not to do any MB plans and get a D because that is most likely what will happen to your marriage, after the emotional and mental toll it takes on you and the ones around you.

Remember, there is NOTHING that you can do, or not do, to bring your WS back. That is a choice that THEY need to make. Your job is to protect yourself in the best way possible.

This statement is the bottom line. The deal. The scoop. The reality of it all. The crux.

I wonder when or if the passion will be gone *SIGH*

Oh but this isn't Plan B mindset AT ALL.

You do NOTHING for your personal recovery by having these thoughts.

Why do you insist on punishing yourself this way? What do YOU get out of it? Why don't YOU want to change what is happening to you? Look deep.

Mehr - I'm going to bump my Plan B Cafe. Thinking about your WH as if he were your husband instead of a mere shell of the man he once was, is not mentally healthy.

You need some mental toughness game and the only way to do that is to remember your HUSBAND is gone. He has become something unrecognizable. Therefore, do NOT give this mutation a speck of your mental attention - do not give him space in your brain rent free.

So enjoy some good reading tonight in the Cafe and add your comments about what you WANT to think about that gives you strength.

I knew you'd say that... lol.... I have good moments and bad moments and I find its usually the bad moments that have me checking MB for a bit of hope.

Good thread with good info.

I just get so sad that this is my life.

There are current elements in my life that are sad too.
But, that will never stop me from making the MOST out of every opportunity to be grateful for all my many blessings.

I always suggest reading Art of War to anybody going thru a difficult situation with an unrepentant wayward who seems to be hell bend on divorce.

You are separated from an alien. The door is open for them to change and realize what they are doing wrong and STOP IT but there is a window of opportunity for the wayward that COULD close..and that time of closing is whenever the BETRAYED spouse and MB warrior decides to shut it.

Mehr, you are still having emotional needs fulfilled, even if it is the smallest of bits b/c of your continued contact with wh. that is what makes you carry that "passion" type feeling right now. You have passion for the man THAT WAS your husband, not for the alien mutant walking around parading as him. You are divorcing the ALIEN, not your husband.

And one thing for mental pondering is this...many waywards DO wake up and change in time. But many also do not. You don't know which way this will go, so you be prepared and you batten down the hatches and also get your lawyers to go on the offensive FIRST.

I found this passage today in my healing book I read daily. It is from the author of Codependency No More. I apologize it is kind of long -- that being said it really helps me to heal in my recovery as well.

The Passage is called: Denial

I've been recovering many years. I've used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.

When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.

The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.

I learned to participate in my own abuse.

Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.

Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me. I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually.

Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.

I still use, and break through, denial--as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed - strong and healthy.

Sometimes, I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.

Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.

It's an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I'm also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I'm on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings . . . sluggish energy . . . feeling compulsive . . . running too fast or hard . . . avoiding support mechanisms.

I've gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn't my job to run around ripping people's blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket. Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.

I've learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don't have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don't have to be around them. I can wish them will and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.

I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I'm around warm people, I don't need to use my blanket.

I've gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I've gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.

God, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself--and others--for those times I have used denial.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie �1990, Hazelden Foundation.

Just in case Daisy decides to peek in ... WELCOME DAISY

Well IITL, keep that book of lovely and needed thoughts in that book in one hand..AND THE ART OF WAR..in the other hand.

I am all about personal healing, but you also need to keep a vigilant eye on the other situation and how it is affecting the kids, mortgage payments, custody, and the future too.

Just how i was when I went into plan B.

But do have good balance. Balance is KEY to recovery! Good self awareness of the situation, being positive despite the uncertainty swirling around you, and also having a game plan to pull you through this storm.

Actually to clarify, I don't have passion for him... he has passion for HER... I was referring to something written in one of those first few posts... I'm waiting for that passion to die.

Kids and I went to a parade today.

Yes!

Amen Sister!

I agree - I have a game plan. Before I found MB I spent a very long time in Plan A and was in complete denial. It took me almost nine months to accept it wasn't just an EA it is also a PA. I was in complete denial for months. I didn't want to believe he would hurt me that bad. I was in denial about the entire situation. I had no idea what a wayward was and how they get this fog. I was in denial about my own behaviors that contributed to the affair. I was just simply in denial about life, the state of my marriage, and how I ended up. DENIAL was my motto for months. I think it was the BS fog I am reading about also.

Now I know for a fact they are plotting to make it look like he divorced me first, and then dated her.

I have exposure on my side. They can pretend all they want, but his entire unit, from Generals on down, his kids, his family, and all his friends know he was in an affair with her long before he divorced me.

I plan to keep exposing and keep exposing and keep exposing. I am working with my lawyer at the moment to go after more child support. He thought he could work a ton of overtime during the week and then just see the kids every other weekend.

Well my lawyer and I plan to get a hold of his paychecks starting in September which will likely up his monthly salary by about $2000. This will be nice to have especially since my child care costs for our four babies just went up.

He is likely to pay around $400 more/month to me.

I plan to file an RO against the OW once she comes around my kids. If my eight year old comes home and is in any way distressed I will us "Intentional emotional distress" and get an RO or a court to keep her away from the kids.

I am playing war all the while staying dark.

A huge part of my recovery in Plan B is to recognize my own need to enable the POS. I spent years using selfish demands to make him try and be a man. I combated porn with him our entire fifteen years. I am realizing now how he used selfish demands and DJs to control and manipulate me. It was a tug of war in both directions.

I am working on myself to lose this behavior and implement a better way of communicating.


Tough~

Good for you! One other way to get at the ow is to find out her past. Odds are (my attny told me this) that the "ow is no girl scout" and she probably has "lots of skeletons in her closet". My attny said an ow is NOT an innocent woman if she is aware her "man" is a married man and even a father too. He said if they are aware they are cheating and lying and stealing then they probably have little to no problems with breaking the law either.

That itself might be enough to get an RO against her. Just a thought to speed things up.

Good for you in getting more $. Affairees are selfish by nature and like to screw over the bs because let's face it...affairs cost money. You have to pay for your rightful family and home and wife and kids AND have to pay for that skank on the side as well right?

Look at meth addicts. They would sell their firstborn child for more meth if it meant that they had to choose to either pay for their childs' food and diapers or be able to buy meth. Meth would win every time. The addiction wisn every time, plus unlike a drug, the SKANKS AND POSOM out there TELL your ws' that they should screw over their betrayed spouses and kids. They sure do.

My xwh's now xw (the affairage wifey) actually told me that my barely divorced xh, the man she'd just married, was paying me TOO MUCH CS and that I should be THANKFUL for all he did because he was DOING TOO MUCH for us.

We got from a millionaire less than total with ss and cs 1,000 a month.

You all make it sound so easy. I can can count my blessings. I have a job, a roof over my head, friends and family who care about me, 4 great kids. But there is a hole in my heart, in my family, and in my life that my husband used to fill. It doesn't go away. The worst thing is watching my children. I have 3 teenagers and an 11-year-old. They have lost their father. He is virtually out of their lives. When they do see him, he's such a detached, "empty shell" as someone said here (and as I have said myself, many times - exact same description) I think it's actually worse than not seeing him at all. He also spends the entire time texting his girlfriend - can't even put the phone down and pay attention to his own children for an hour. A couple of times they have asked him to stay away and not come to something - birthdays, graduation - and he's shown up anyway. He didn't come to things they used to invite him to, but now shows up when they ask him to stay away. It is so hurtful. He is selfish beyond comprehension, and just hurts, hurts, hurts everyone over and over. The kids don't want to be uprooted, or I'd move them to another state just to get away from him.

So how do you watch the pain your children are in, day in and day out, see the things they say and do, the changes in their personalities, how they view the world, and even who they are, and just forget everything and love life? I try. I really try. But my heart aches all the time. If I do manage to forget for a little while, one of my kids says or does something that just brings the whole flood of emotion running back. How do I help them get over it? Dr. H. told me it's like losing an arm - the WH just says the kids are fine, but it's like they've literally lost a vital part of themselves. Others who have gone through this have told me the kids just aren't ever completely the same. No one is. It gets worse every day, not better, no matter how hard I try to count my blessings, spend time with my kids, fill my life up with other things, keep my kids happy.

Moving on doesn't just seem hard to me, it seems impossible.