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Dealing with my husband's one night stand #2568180
11/25/11 05:21 PM
11/25/11 05:21 PM
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Liz75 Offline OP
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My husband was away working on his Masters for one month while I stayed home, with our 6 year old. I was also very pregnant. We talked on Skype almost every night and he shared that he was very stressed and often there was a lot of tension in our conversations because I wanted to talk longer and he needed to study. After he returned home we went on a 3-day vacation just so I could get out of the house and we could have some family time. He seemed a little distant. Upon our return home he sat down beside me and told me that he really messed up while he was away and told me that he had a one-night stand with a woman in his class. Apparently he spoke to her the next day and told her that what he did was a huge mistake. He has apologized and tells me it is the worst mistake of his life and wants to stay together. Of course we now have two kids and the thought of whether he is with me b/c he wants to be with his kids or b/c it's the right thing crosses my mind but he insists that, kids aside, he wants to be with [i]me[/i]. I have given him another chance and we are working together to mend our marriage, but I am still so hurt and angry by what happened and can't seem to get over it. This was a one night stand, not long-term but it's still so painful.

It's been 4 months now since I found out. Sometimes I feel like I am going backwards. For the first few days I was crying all the time and he would hold me and sometimes cry with me. His family knows about this but I never told my family although we are extremely close, I think i didn't want to worry them and I didn't want them to think differently of my husband. Anyway, I thought I was handling things really well at first and now time has passed and I seem to be having what I call a "relapse". Maybe it's because he is moving on and doesn't coddle me as much, I don't know.

I am just so irritated and angry by what happened. I obsess on details and want to know specifics. My husband feels it's counter productive for me to know all the details. This leads to my first question: Is it better not to know, or to just have my questions answered so I stop wondering about it? And, why now is this all coming to a head?

This has totally affected my self-esteem and I constantly feel like I am comparing myself to this woman I don't even know. After he told me, I asked to see a picture of her so he showed me on FaceBook (they aren't "friends" and never were but he was able to find a picture through a mutual friend) and of course she is pretty and has a much nicer body than mine. I picture them having very passionate sex, which we don't have like that, although my husband tells me that he prefers what we have. My husband is not a romantic and he doesn't flirt with me and doesn't seem to really like it when I flirt with him; I get upset because obviously for him to have had sex with another woman, there must have been flirting. He doesn't want me to take things so personally and he doesn't want me to constantly compare everything to the one incident, however, because of this mistake, I feel like I analyze and scrutinize over everything. We are on the mend and doing better. We are also doing Marriage Builders Workshop~ His Needs Her Needs (although it's been a few weeks and, yes, it makes me mad that he was so gung-ho, but now is starting to slack on it). I worry that we start off strong, but things will just go back to the way they were.

I'm such a mess! I am getting angry with myself. I am now worried that I may end up being the one to jeopardize this relationship if I am not careful because although I am REALLY trying, I can't seem to get over this. I have my good days and my bad days. Is this normal? How long will these feelings last b/c I need to move on I think? Why after 4 months do I feel like I am getting worse? Should I tell my family (if I did it right when it happened it would be one thing but at this point I think my husband will feel like I am doing it to spite him because we have come so far and he worries that my family will be upset and that we will just be going backwards (although he is clear that it is my decision). Back to my first question, is it bad (and/or normal) to want to know all the intimate details and should I?

Last edited by Liz75; 11/25/11 05:51 PM.
Re: Dealing with my husband's one night stand [Re: Liz75] #2568187
11/25/11 05:43 PM
11/25/11 05:43 PM
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Originally Posted By: Liz75
My husband feels it's counter productive for me to know all the details.


Hi Liz, I am sorry you are here. frown The first step is for your husband to tell you ALL the details about the affair. You have to know everything. This is information about YOUR LIFE that you have a right to know. You will never recover as long as he withholds information from you. And this is not a one night stand. This is an affair. A one night stand is the description for a one time sexual encounter with a person you didn't know. He did know her. He went to class with her.

Has he ended all contact with her? Do they go to the same school?

And you need to know if she is married so you can inform her husband. [don't ask your husband this, find out independently and then inform her husband]

Quote:
We are on the mend and are doing Marriage Builders Workshop (although it's been a few weeks and, yes, it makes me mad that he was so gung-ho, but now is starting to slack on it).


What workshop? You are doing the MB online course? If you are doing the MB course, then how come your H has not taken one of the FIRST STEPS towards recovery and told you the full truth?

Here is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and FOUNDER OF MARRIAGE BUILDERS, told a woman in your position whose wayward husband was cruelly withholding the facts - this is his plan for recovery after an affair, so if you are not doing this, you are not in recovery:

Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Best wishes,

Willard F. Harley, Jr.
read entire article here


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt


Re: Dealing with my husband's one night stand [Re: Liz75] #2568188
11/25/11 05:45 PM
11/25/11 05:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: Liz75
This is very different than a long lasting affair, i know. And back to my other question, is it bad (and normal) to want to know all the intimate details?


This is the kind of affair we see on this forum every day. Most are not long lasting affairs. Your H's affair is the USUAL AFFAIR. And it is not a one night stand.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt


Re: Dealing with my husband's one night stand [Re: MelodyLane] #2568197
11/25/11 06:12 PM
11/25/11 06:12 PM
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Liz75 Offline OP
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Thank you for your response. In my husband's defense, he is telling me everything I ask of him, but I keep wanting to know more and I want to know the very specific details re the actual steps during sex etc. (I think that the fact that I want to know these specific details is a little disturbing). He says that it is hard for him to talk about it too because he doesn't want to think about it. He said he NEVER would have thought he would ever do such a thing and is so upset with himself. The woman is divorced and she and my husband have no contact with each other. He said after the incident he completely avoided her. He is very ashamed, and I do believe him. He is also done with his course.

The Marriage Builders course I am referring to is just the one you do at home. It has a workbook, CDs and books to go over.

I do believe that my husband is sincerely remorseful about what happened and when he says he won't ever do anything like this again, I feel he really means it.

Re: Dealing with my husband's one night stand [Re: Liz75] #2568200
11/25/11 06:22 PM
11/25/11 06:22 PM
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Originally Posted By: Liz75
Thank you for your response. In my husband's defense, he is telling me everything I ask of him, but I keep wanting to know more and I want to know the very specific details re the actual steps during sex etc. (I think that the fact that I want to know these specific details is a little disturbing).


That would be disturbing if he didn't answer your questions. That is the only thing disturbing here. Some people need great detail, others less detail. It does not mean you are "disturbed" if you need great detail.

I would ask him any remaining questions, get your answers and then never bring it up again. Bringing it up again keeps you triggered and makes your marriage a miserable place for you both.

Quote:
He said he NEVER would have thought he would ever do such a thing and is so upset with himself. The woman is divorced and she and my husband have no contact with each other. He said after the incident he completely avoided her. He is very ashamed, and I do believe him. He is also done with his course.


Does he go to the same school as her? Does he communicate with her via email?

Quote:

I do believe that my husband is sincerely remorseful about what happened and when he says he won't ever do anything like this again, I feel he really means it.


Liz, you do understand that just saying he won't do it again doesn't mean he won't, don't you? You both know that under certain conditions he WILL have an affair. The solution is to make sure those conditions never occur again.

What were the conditions that led to his affair? Living apart?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt


Re: Dealing with my husband's one night stand [Re: Liz75] #2568202
11/25/11 06:24 PM
11/25/11 06:24 PM
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p.s. are you snooping on him to make sure all contact has ended? For example, do you have full access to his cell phone and computer? Has he provided you with all the passwords? Do you have a way to snoop on him that he is not aware of?

And have you INDEPENDENTLY verfied the OW is not married? How do you know this?

Has your H been tested for STDs?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt


Re: Dealing with my husband's one night stand [Re: MelodyLane] #2568216
11/25/11 08:00 PM
11/25/11 08:00 PM
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Liz75 Offline OP
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I have all passwords, he gave them to me before I even had to ask. He is done with his schooling so they won't be going to classes together and told me that one of his biggest fears is ever running into her again. The other fear is that I will leave him and he wouldn't blame me if I did but it would break his heart. We did check for STDs also. I feel like at this point, he has done all he can, I just need time.

Re: Dealing with my husband's one night stand [Re: Liz75] #2568219
11/25/11 08:03 PM
11/25/11 08:03 PM
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Liz, are you snooping on him to make sure he is being faithful?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt


Re: Dealing with my husband's one night stand [Re: MelodyLane] #2568251
11/26/11 03:26 AM
11/26/11 03:26 AM
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Liz75 Offline OP
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He blocked her from Facebook and no longer has access, I have checked. He doesn't have an e-mail for her and no phone calls. He has been pretty straight forward about everything to me and to his family. I think the issues now are my insecurities that were brought up over all of this and that I keep playing the evening in my head including the actual sex they had. The fact that i just had a baby and my hormones are crazy makes this all that much worse! I know he loves me and feels sorry for what he's done but I still compare myself to her, etc.

Re: Dealing with my husband's one night stand [Re: Liz75] #2568255
11/26/11 05:31 AM
11/26/11 05:31 AM
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Liz, the fact is that despite what your H now says and no matter how much he might MEAN what he says, he is not protecting himself and your marriage.

You both need to protect your marriage by instituting Extraordinary Precautions. The reason people have affairs is that they have poor boundaries with the opposite sex and allow someone else to meet their needs.

My H once felt exactly the same as yours. He had an affair during a business trip 16 years ago. Eventually we recovered and he swore he would NEVER do that again and that he now knew the grass wasn't greener anywhere else. But a few years later, he got involved with a former female friend (lives in another country) by email. At the same time, he thought it would fun to check out dating/internet websites while I was taking classes at night. Boredom, he later explained.

He swore once again NEVER AGAIN. No way!

Then last year, he had a affair that nearly destroyed our 30-year marriage. Never again do I want to suffer from his infidelities and I insisted on EPs, once I found Marriage Builders. What good are the promises without a plan?

Here is our list:

1.) No contact ever again with Affair Partner
2.) Total Transparency with spouse:
a. Email passwords shared
b. Accounting for all time and money
c. Eliminate all social networking sites, except for shared FB account (which is set up for maximum privacy so the public, or even friends of friends, can't see anything.)
3.) No communicating with a female in any other way than the necessary professional manner needed for work
4.) No intimate conversations with a female (no conversations about anything personal, such as likes, dislikes, marriage, music, etc)
5.) No flirting, no inappropriate conversations or jesting. No “boobs or butts” comments ever.
6.) No porn, no “adult” clubs or shops, no chat rooms
7.) No nights apart.
8.) No recreational activities with the opposite sex.
9.) No interactive online games.
10.) No business mentoring with a woman.

That's what it took for me to stay in this marriage. Going through infidelity again is NOT an option. I told him, half jokingly, that next time, he will be, uh, deceased.

Please insist on these from your H, and then keep him honest by checking up.

Dr. Harley states that everyone can be trusted in certain conditions while no one can be trusted in others.

I plan to take language lessons here and there's, honestly, a part of me who would LOVE hiring a good-looking hunk of a Portuguese man to teach me. And I know I could find one, BUT, I know that I should not be trusted under these conditions, so I'm hiring a woman. We need to understand our own weaknesses and those our of our spouses and have a plan to AVOID being in those situations.

My H is gladly meeting these EPs, because he knows it's the only way I will stay with him. His adultery was devastating to me. Never again do we want to do through that.

Listen to the folks here, Liz. MB knows how to save and protect marriages, but the plan must be followed. Abandon at one's own risk!

Finally, you're young with young children. This would be a really great time to learn the MB concepts and have the marriage we wish we could have had for all these years. If the MB plan is followed, you and your H could have a very fulfilling marriage in which your most important emotional needs are met by each other and love busters are eliminated. This is your chance to start building it.


Married: since Feb 1980
D-Day : Nov 10
In love again...thank you, Marriage Builders!
Recovered
Re: Dealing with my husband's one night stand [Re: Liz75] #2568292
11/26/11 10:10 AM
11/26/11 10:10 AM
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Originally Posted By: Liz75
He blocked her from Facebook and no longer has access, I have checked. He doesn't have an e-mail for her and no phone calls. He has been pretty straight forward about everything to me and to his family. I think the issues now are my insecurities that were brought up over all of this and that I keep playing the evening in my head including the actual sex they had. The fact that i just had a baby and my hormones are crazy makes this all that much worse! I know he loves me and feels sorry for what he's done but I still compare myself to her, etc.


Liz, please carefully read 51CD's post about EP's. Your husband has poor boundaries around women and unless that is addressed, you are facing affairs in the future. For example, you know that one of the conditions that led to his affair was his being away from home. That should never happen again. Was he going out to bars with women? Did he have this woman over to his apartment? How did it happen?

Other risks I see is that he has a facebook page and he probably has opposite sex friendships. The OW can be unblocked on facebook in 2 seconds and you would never know. That is one way he can stay in contact. He can also email her and call her, but since you aren't watching, you would never know.

See, will power did not stop him in the past and it won't stop him in the future. So you are not safe unless he changes his lifestyle and you do a better job of snooping on him. I would be slapping a keylogger on his computer and spyware on his cell phone.

Doing those things will help your "insecurity" tremendously. And you are right to be insecure. You have a lot to be insecure about!

The fact that you think he has been straight forward does not mean he is being faithful.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt


Re: Dealing with my husband's one night stand [Re: LongWayFromHome] #2568431
11/27/11 07:48 AM
11/27/11 07:48 AM
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Liz75 Offline OP
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Gosh, since this has all occurred and since posting, I feel like my "perfect little world" (at least in my head) is shattered. I am a romantic and a bit of a traditionalist so it was hard enough to know that he broke our vows. He and I have talked a lot and have actually discussed this site. He said he agrees, we need to take the precautions. I really think it is now a matter of me having to learn to stop comparing myself. He answered ALL my questions and requests for the gruesome details. The hard thing is now 1. wishing our sex could be that "passionate" as their sex and 2. not wanting to do something just because they did it in the affair because then I just compare myself. So basically, I am dealing with a contradiction. This is now a situation of dealing with my insecurities that have developed b/c of this. I believe he loves me. When I even try to defend him he's the first to say I shouldn't b/c he screwed up and jeopardized not only his marriage, but his family. I just need to stop picturing them together and I do need to believe him, he is actually a good man, but I am so hurt, surprised, and angry about what happened.

Re: Dealing with my husband's one night stand [Re: Liz75] #2568437
11/27/11 09:41 AM
11/27/11 09:41 AM
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Quote:
The hard thing is now 1. wishing our sex could be that "passionate" as their sex


Why couldn't it be?


The one constant through all the years has been baseball. America has rolled by like an army of steamrollers. It's been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. But baseball has marked the time. This field, this game, is a part of our past. It reminds us of all that once was good, and it could be again.
Re: Dealing with my husband's one night stand [Re: americajin] #2568476
11/27/11 12:56 PM
11/27/11 12:56 PM
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To add to AJ's reply...Married sex can be every bit as good and BETTER than the illicit sort. Look how your H feels about the "passionate sex" with OW. He felt so guilty that he couldn't keep it to himself and had to confess.

I struggled with this, too. We already did have a good sex life (when he wasn't deployed.) I couldn't imagine that our married sex, which I had always loved, could compare to what I thought would be "wild, passionate sex" with a new person--someone who didn't know all the warts and history. But my H says he can't stand to think about it, because it was dirty. He says that at the time, he thought it was great, but now that the fog is gone, he sees it for what it was, a terribly selfish act that brought shame and devastation to our marriage.

Regarding your insecurities: Remember that him having an affair was not about you. It was about his lack of boundaries around women. If you read in the Notable Posts, you will see references to the term "affair down." Most people who have affairs don't have affairs with people who are better than their spouse. What is good and decent about a person willing to have sex with a married man? What is there to compare yourself to? How can you possibly compete with that?

The only recourse you and your H have now is to pick up the pieces and build a new marriage, a better marriage. The marriage must be proactively protected to survive.

Your H has agreed that EPs are necessary, so that's great. A good start. Make sure they are followed and never feel squeamish about checking up on each other.

Recover takes two to five years, and the first year can be a real roller coaster, so be prepared. Make sure you and H are spending a minimum of 20 hours a week meeting each others most important ENs. This is essential to the recovery of your marriage.


Married: since Feb 1980
D-Day : Nov 10
In love again...thank you, Marriage Builders!
Recovered
Re: Dealing with my husband's one night stand [Re: LongWayFromHome] #2569332
11/29/11 01:14 PM
11/29/11 01:14 PM
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1. wishing our sex could be that "passionate" as their sex and 2. not wanting to do something just because they did it in the affair because then I just compare myself. So basically, I am dealing with a contradiction.
_________________________________

It is good for you to get all the details you need. Now, after he has told you all you wanted to know, it is better for your mental health not to bring it up again, as it hinders recovery. That's because you will be back to square one when you keep talking about his sex with the OW, and he will be forced to think about the OW. After months and years of recovery and fantastic marriage, this will be a distant memory in the past.

As to the sex, maybe you will feel better when you regularly do what they did. In this way, it will gradually lose its trigger function and it will be an activity which is positively associated with you and not something 'special' which is associated with OW.
Also, if you especially avoid some kind of activity, you give her a lot of power and each time you avoid it, you will be triggered. Well, just think about it and find a way to deal with it which is best for you.

God bless,

Happyheart



Last edited by happyheart; 11/29/11 01:15 PM.

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