Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 3
I
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
I
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 3
Porn addiction for my H, not me! I am so lost and so tired of dealing with it but feel silly to end a marriage over pictures! Urgh, Not sure where to post, let me know if this is the place?!

I just wanted to make sure I was in the right place before I posted everything!

My H has a huge problem with porn and yes masturbation too, its gotten to be a daily thing and its very hard on me! We have been married for 14yrs and I have dealt with this the whole 14yrs! I have been angry, upset, understanding (that its a problem), tried to help, etc etc and H doesnt seem to get it. He will stop for a bit but then its right back to it. He has tried but it usually doesnt last long. A few months ago I confronted him again, told him my feelings towards it, told him it was unacceptable to me and he needed to stop. That lasted for maybe a month until I caught him again (caught him by looking on his computer one day so its highly possible he had done it before). Confronted him again, we talked about reasons why (his explanation is always he doesnt know) but we talked about things to help. 3wks later, caught again, then Wednesday, not 2wks after our last talk, I find more porn! He does do this at home and not work. I have school 2 days a week and he usually always does it then but a lot of times its in the morning after the kids have left for school (and I am still asleep). I've told him before to wake me up if he felt the urge, that obviously didnt happen, he turned to porn.

Normally after I find out he's been doing it again, I leave it alone and just hope he's being honest, I dont tend to even look for signs for weeks/months. I try not to care but after 14yrs, I am SO tired of it!! We do have children together too, I am due with #6 in January.

H's background with porn: Growing up they had access to pornography magazines, it was no big deal. He was raised by his father and 3 brothers (no sisters and mother was not in the home). I excused the porn use because of this. To him it was no big deal. I, on the other hand, was raised where pornography is a sin, sex is a sin if done without your spouse etc!

Honestly, I think he really does try to stop and for a moment he does understand that it hurts me but the addiction over comes him and he's back at it. I do understand that it is an addiction.

In our 14yrs of marriage, I have never denied him sex because I feel it is a sin to do so. I know men need it more than women so I try to be there when he needs it, I have told him "Not right now" numerous times but I've always tried to make sure we had sex the next day or two. I've never made him go weeks/months without so I see no reason for him to turn to the porn.

I am going to read the links posted here and would greatly appreciate any more that may help. I am trying to decide if ending this marriage or trying to make it work is the way I will go. I came to MB 5+ yrs ago and it helped a lot with the problems we were going through (mostly porn). I love him like crazy but I am willing to end it all if need be, if I cannot have all of him, I'd rather have none of him and make my life easier knowing it doesnt matter what he does because he is no longer my husband. Sorry for the novel, hopefully I answered any questions that may come up. Desperate for help here, does MB have any porn addiction help?! H really needs something to direct him!

Rachel

Last edited by InDeSkies; 12/09/11 11:14 AM.
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
I believe the SAA is the best place for porn addiction, because it is a form of infidelity. You are not crazy or silly for wanting this out of your marriage. Most women are highly offended by porn.

Where does your H access the porn? At home? Work?

Dr. Harley states there is no place for porn in a marriage. It sets up a spouse for a very unfair contrast effect.

Porn is often done along with masturbation, which is very detrimental to the marriage sexual relationship.

All sexual activity should be done within the context of the husband and wife. This is because sexual fulfillment (SF) is a very important way to deposit love units.

This is not just about your H looking at a "bunch of pictures." It's called independent behavior--behavior conducted without thought to the spouse.

Have you read up on the Marriage Builder concepts yet? Read all the concepts and the articles available, at no cost, on this website.

Start listening to the radio show for the best place to hear how the policies are applied to real life situations. Order the books Love Busters and His Needs Her Needs.

Hang on. The vets will be along soon with their very good advice on how to handle your situation.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818
Likes: 7
51CD30 is very right. Porn is a form of infidelity. It is a betrayal to the offended spouse. It is not silly to take it seriously. What is silly is to keep doing it when it bothers your spouse, whatever the reason.

What steps have you taken, so far?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 1,080
InDeskies

Very intresting thread on this subject right here

Thread

nESRE


Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 3
I
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
I
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by nesre
InDeskies

Very intresting thread on this subject right here

Thread

nESRE

I looked over that last night and it is so true!! Many times sex is just about him and he is totally different when he's been watching porn regularly, he doesnt realize it but I can always tell the difference (There's nothing there, no desire, nothing, just kinda sex) which is what I'm fed up with! When he stays away from the porn, sex is wonderful!

I've also read over some of the links and they are also so very true!!! I have done many things in the bedroom (such as **edit**) that I never care to do again but did them because I figured it would keep him away from the porn, it did not! I'm tired of doing things for him with very little in return! I'm past the point of being depressed about ME over this, that has come and gone, I'm just fed up with it at this point!

Last edited by Fireproof; 12/09/11 04:45 PM. Reason: removing graphic reference
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 3
I
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
I
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 3
Where do I start? I am so lost and so tired, I know we'll be back to square one again and I'm tired of fighting a losing battle with the addiction

Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 14
D
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
D
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 14
Hi InDeSkies, Sorry you are here.

I posted here briefly in 2009 just before the crash. I have been reading ever since. Your story moved me to register back to active so I could respond. My WH also had a long term porn addiction. I've learned a lot about sex addictions. It has nothing to do with your looks, or the availibility of sex, or any act he might like. It is an addiction, and he will continue returning to it, unless a very strong effort is made to change things. WH was confronted about the porn in January of 2010 by me and our MC. After that point, he said it didn't work for him any more, so he stopped.

In August of 2011, I learned he had resumed his porn habit. This was after our teenage son had also been revealed to have developed a porn habit. I was very upset to learn that my WH was still lying and deceiving. I took a stand at our next MC session, telling him that the porn had to go, or he had to go. He wasn't happy about it, and it took some time, but he has entered a Celebrate Recovery program. I am cautiously optimistic about this. He is in the first stages and struggling with denial, but I am hopeful.

Indie, you need to take a stand. My sense is that nothing else will work. I told my husband that if he wanted to continue viewing porn that he needed to find a different place to live. Confronted with that, he chose to take steps to address it.


BW Me, 56
WH, him 58
DS 25, 20, DD 23
EA (woman from his past contacted him on Facebook and EA started 7/09)
DD 8/9/09
NC 9/22/09
EA restarts 7/20/12
I learn of it 4/11/13
DD 7/8/13
Filed for Separation 7/26/13
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,956
Likes: 1
InDeSkies,

The radio segments MelodyLane linked for you discuss the Harley's point of view regarding pornography and its negative effect on marriage and sexuality. They also discuss Plans A & B, which is what is recommended when a spouse refuses to end destructive behavior and/or is not meeting your needs.

Go back and listen to each of these and take notes, if you haven't done so already.

We also had this problem in our marriage. After years of unfulfilling sex with my H, most often due to his very low sex drive and premature ejaculation, I discovered he was deep into porn. At that time, he confessed he had been masturbating several times a week for years. It wasn't due to my lack of desire; it was because porn and masturbation had become more interesting in comparison to sexual intercourse.

By this time, he was also into inappropriate chat rooms and emails. It occurred when I was away from the house or in bed, just like you.

I demanded that he end it immediately and he had to attend a sexual addiction class through the church. I took control of the computer completely. He was not allowed on the computer unless I was in the room with him. I wasn't very tech-savvy in those days (2001) so the only thing I knew I could easily do was to remove the cord that connected to the modem and hide it. Voila! No Internet!

The class he attended really opened his eyes to its damaging effects; he had always figured no harm was being done.

You have said your H agrees with you to end it, right? He uses the computer at home, so put a password on the computer. Get software that blocks all porn websites. You have to block his access to the porn. You already have his verbal agreement that he will stop, but he is not stopping because he's addicted to his very bad habit.

Don't make him rely on his willpower. Heck, I can't have chocolate in the house because I love it and it's addictive. So do the same with the computer. You simply can't accept any excuses. End the access to the computer. Get rid of it, if you have to.

If you attend church, ask your pastor about sexual addiction classes. Don't be shy about this. Pornography, even in the church, is an enormous problem.

Take a look at the articles the Harley's address in their radio show. The author says that once the dopamine burst wears off, the consumer goes into withdrawal. That's why it's so hard to end addictions. In another article by the same author, she states that porn is causing a "whole generation of men" to be "less able to connect erotically to women--and ultimately less libidinous."

Try this first and see how it goes. If he continues to view porn in ways you can't stop, then it's a good time to discuss Plans A & B.

This is going to take a lot of strength and resolve on your part. If you really want this out of your life, you have to be willing to take a risk. But if you don't take the risk, this will be your life.



Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,079 guests, and 45 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5