Sometimes the least likely people turn out to have an interest in minors.

You have a heads up here that your children will be exposed to men interested in acting out unconventional sexual appetites. These men are among the most likely to have a sexual desire for your girls.

If only so many other parents could have been as fortunate to have such advanced notice.

Recap and Update:

For those new to my story, my wife left me for another man back in 2010. She met him online in a chat room. He lived in Malaysia, and she went to visit him for two weeks in July of that year. At the time I didn't know where she was or what was happening. She just said she wanted to get away and said she was visiting her best friend who lives out of state. When she returned from her trip, she shared with me that she had converted to Islam. I knew something was up, and after a month she admitted she was having an affair. I asked to her to end the affair or leave the house, and she chose to continue the affair. Her affair lasted over a year, and we divorced though I maintained Plan A keeping the door open to reconciliation. Shortly after the divorce finalized, her affair crumbled, and we reconciled in 2012. We remarried and had a wonderful recovery. All of us, including our two daughters, were so happy. But things went awry again this summer.

At the end of a trip doing college visits with my daughter, DD shared with me that she saw my wife online again skyping with a man. After she further investigated, it turns out she was trolling for sex online in chat rooms with men, and she had relationships with at least one man who was from Amsterdam. I confronted her and wrote her a letter asking her to put in place extraordinary precautions to safeguard our relationship. She refused so I asked her for a divorce again. Dr. Harley affirmed my decision to do so on his radio program. She continued to live in the home for a month and I held out some hope that she would come around, but I learned that she had developed a new relationship with a man in India. At that point I insisted she leave. She has her own place now, and our divorce should be finalized at the end of February if everything goes according to schedule. This Thanksgiving break (she's a teacher) she will be taking a 9 day trip to India to visit her affair partner. It is deja vu all over again. The patterns are exactly the same as the last time, except this time I am not in Plan A. I will not reconcile another time.

After she left the second time, I thought I would be fine. I told myself I wasn't going to fall apart the way I did the first time. I had been through the wringer alrady once, and I was toughened by the experience. And for awhile that was the case. But it turns out I merely deferred the pain. This upcoming trip to India has shattered me. I still love my wife very much,and even though I know we will never be together again, I still cannot come to terms with the end of our marriage and the breaking of a promise (for the second time). Logically, I know that time will heal the wounds (though there will be big scars), but I have a hard time believing that I'll get over the death of our marriage. When the divorce is finalized, I will pursue an annulment. A priest told me I have a very good chance of getting it annulled. I don't want to live the rest of my life without a partner, but at the same time, I have a hard time imagining living a life with anyone but her since she was the one I promised to live with for life. Acceptance of divorce will come very hard for me, and I don't want to live in despair forever.

I am not in Plan B, and I don't plan to take that option, but I do get triggered every time I see her or hear from her by text or phone. She is a different person now, and she has become much darker. I don't want to interact with her, but I also don't want to miss events where we both need to be because of our daughters. I will simply minimize contact with her. She will cooperate in that.

Since I am no longer trying to save the marriage, I will ask the moderators to move this the Divorced/Divorcing thread. I thank all of you who have provided help in the forum. I'm sorry my story wasn't a MB Success Story.

Why not go into Plan B to protect yourself from the pain?

Because I can deal with it. I want to be at every event involving our children. Also I don't want to deal with a middleman.

I got a D and I consider myself a MB success story. From what I understand Dr Harley didn't recommend staying M to someone like your WW, so you did the right thing.

Understand that you will probably have these feelings as long as you are in contact with your ex WW. I have seen many divorced posters who refuse to cut communication with their spouse and they seem to remain infatuated with their exes for YEARS after the D.

How much do you talk to your ex on a weekly basis? And how old are your kids?

I know that your kids are not little.

What is the nature of these events that you both want to attend?

I can see how others through constant contact would stay infatuated with their exes. I do not want to be in that category. I want to let my feelings fade with time, the faster the better. Of course, right now, those feeling are very strong. I still deeply love her, and also extremely angry with her. But I am going to let the slow work of time do its thing.

I do not talk to my WW unless it's important business. We mostly text, and we keep our communications limited to issues only having to do with the children or the divorce. So, in conclusion, we minimize communication and interactions. I ask the children to talk to her in another room when they call her on the phone.

My children are in high school, a senior and a freshman. activities we would both attend would include School plays, back-to-school night, etc. But we would not be in the same area of the room. We keep our distance.

If you really did not want to see her, you would not go to those things.

Not true. I am not going to miss my kids' functions just because she's there. And she has a right to go to them.

No! It with occasional phone/text contact or seeing their ex during drop off. And as you can see with your own situation, you are still "deeply in love" with her, despite this occasional contact.

Where are you getting these ideas from? I have NEVER heard Dr Harley say that it's somehow ideal to let the "feelings fade with time" or " let the slow work of time do its thing." I have never heard any divorced MB folks say this was the case for them. Conversely, those who have even occasional contact seem to ALWAYS talk about their exes here.

You know, don't you, that Dr Harley advocates Plan B and no contact for those who are married with any former lover because any contact has the potential to add to the love bank, right? There is no clause that so long as you allowed those feelings for the lover to slowly fade out over time, that you are now safe from the lovebank model.

I can tell you for myself that I have NO feelings of love for my ex WH. I don't even have feelings of anger towards him and I attribute that largely to Plan B. Currently, we do have to have some court ordered contact but it is only once in a while - I can tell you that it DOES trigger me - I notice after contact that I am remembering things from a long time ago or I am bringing up his name more often after contact. When there is NO contact, I don't think about him or things from the past. At all. [/quote]

I didn't question her rights.

The point I am making is that, although seeing her makes you feel bad, there is some reward in seeing her at all. It might be that you hold out hope that she will see you again and remember all that you had together - I don't know.

The point is that, if it were all bad, you wouldn't go. You don't have to go to "Back to School night", and plays are usually staged for more than one night; it is a rare school that doesn't want the play to be seen by as many parents as possible. If you don't go to "Back to School night", your daughters will still go back to school, and they will still be your daughters. Life will go on, and you will have a better chance to heal. Missing such an event is only a catastrophe if you want it to be.

What do your daughters think of everything? Have they told their Mom?

Agree.

I have found ways to work around seeing ex H at the school. If it means I miss a parent night at the school, it's not a big deal - you can set up an appointment for teachers conference on a different day. I think the only time I couldn't avoid it in 3 years was my kids' graduations (one from elementary school, one from HS, both on the same day) and I had people with me to buffer me and stayed FAR away.

I think you want to see her and talk to her. It's almost like an addiction. That's what I've noted with some divorced BSs here over the years.

No, I do NOT want to see her. Just yesterday, she had to drop off something to me. I told her by text that I was leaving for an hour and that would be the best time (so that I wouldn't have to see her car pull up to our house). I don't want to see her at all. Seeing her drives up a storm in me. I will be relieved that she is out of the country and out of contact for 9 straight days starting on Friday.

My daughters don't approve of what their mom is doing, but they have not expressed their disapproval to her. There is no talk about her affairs. My WW pretends its not happening around the girls, and they go along with it. Only once did one of my daughters express anger towards my WW over her affairs. I am not sure what transpires between my oldest and my WW when they are together. My oldest is very close to WW, and she seems to "understand" why my WW has left the marriage, even if she doesn't agree with it.

I communicate with them when needed about their mom's affair, and they understand that is wrong. I don't talk about it much as I don't want to put them in middle of it, but I am crystal clear about the issue, and I often check in just to see how they are doing. I also let them know how I am doing without going over the top emotionally.

I think you should write to Dr Harley on the radio show about your marital history with your WW (divorced twice and you don't plan to ever take her back), some of your post-D ideas about staying in contact, her actions such as going to India still "deeply hurting" you, still deeply being in love with her and wanting it to "fade slowy" over time vs using Plan B.

My wife and I met at the court house yesterday to finalize the divorce agreement. We talked afterward, just for closure.

We hashed out all that happened, and she is very sorry for what she has done. But the damage has been done. She says she still loves me, but knows we can't be together again as she may cheat again and that would only make me look the fool. She is in a relationship right now with a man from India. I know nothing about him.

We agreed to no contact other than e-mail, and we will not see each other at kid events. She asked if we could still be friends and I said no. Only in marriage can we be friends. We had a long cry together. I'm going dark.

I am at work right now but I have been shattered into a million pieces. The grief is very strong today. I don't know how I will make it through our faculty Christmas party tonight. I am the principal and I must attend, but I think I will be leaving early. Just can't put on a good face today.

I'm so sorry, Just. It's easy to feel sorry for addicts, and agree to things like email etc. I think that's a huge mistake.

I would Plan B for real with an intermediary. She is not getting her first choice which is cake eating, but she is getting brownies.

In the end, if you are callous or warm in your email communication, a message will be sent that she still is entitled, and a perception is created. When a partner fails to provide safety, they shouldn't have a partner. Email, from you is an act of communication and partnership, just a more limited partnership.

At least she gets something- easier methods of communication. At least she is enabled. Lol.