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#2586573 01/18/12 02:14 AM
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I have been with my husband for 11 years, we have 2 beautiful boys. He grew up with his mom doing everything for him and I always wanted to be a stay at home mom and I think he pictured the leave it to beaver household where the dad works, mom cleans & cooks, dad eats and kisses the kids goodnight and his part is done. I hate cooking but love baking. since I was diagnosed with diabetes though I've had to cut that part of my life out. He is great with the kids when he actually spends time with them. we have never "fought" the way I hear most people talk about it. we have our issues but we sit down and talk about the problem and try to find a solution together. he admits that if there is a way out doing something though he will either procrastinate it or think his way out of doing it. Yes he is an intellect. I have suggested counselling but he doesn't think we need it. I have tried to tell him that if we do it before we need it, it may just help prevent us from reaching that point. he disagreed.
I recently "blew up" I pinpointed what my needs were and tried to convey that to him, along with what I need to feel like my needs are being met. he nodded and agreed and I felt good that I had gotten it out and that he was now aware of exactly what I needed and could now take action. Once again though he just can't seem to bring himself to do what is necessary to not dissapoint me. He listens to me but I don't feel like he's really listening. it's almost like as if he's listens just so I can clear the air, feel better, and move on; but if talking doesn't change anything then what's the point in talking. I know that suppressing things is not healthy and I'm trying really hard not to shut myself down. I even tell him in the moment how things need to change and he just brushes it off. for example - I will point out that the playground we just arrived at is not age appropriate for the little one. but rather than say ok let's find a better playground that both the kids can play at he brushes it off so he doesn't have to do anything about it. but then I grow resentful that in order for anything to happen I'm the one that has to do everything! all the time!!!! He behaves like a child or a bachelor but expects to be treated like an adult and equal member of the family. He gets home from work and goes to his room to play on the pc. I have to call him to come down to dinner and to do anything else with the family. he ignores clean up unless I get on his case about it. I need him to be the man that the kids can look to for an example, an dI just don't feel like he is that man. The resentment I feel just builds and I think I hate him. I haven't loved him for years but I haven't told him that, and now I think it has turned to hate. frown

I have come to the edge a couple of times ready to kick him out. I have tried to implement the tactics from the basic concepts but he doesn't think there is a problem and therefore sees no reason to try to fix it. I am currently 6 months pregnant and virtually on bed rest/in pain all the time. I need him to help pick up some of the slack that I'm simply not capable of doing right now. I feel like a single parent most of the time. I have asked my church for help but their solution is to not help thus forcing him into a corner leaving him no choice but to step up. with this pregnancy he has actually agreed to help out a bit but as time goes on I can see he grows resentful and I get attitude any time I ask him for anything. Yes he has an addiction to the computer/gaming.

the problem is he's not willing, and all the effort to make it work is one sided. he sits in his room and isolates himself from the rest of the family, so if anyone wants anything to do with him they have to go upstairs to get him and then he gets moody if I ask anything of him. It's hard for me to be up and down the stairs all the time right now and I've had no voice for 3 weeks. I'm just getting my energy and voice back now to be able to deal with stuff again. I usually send the kids to be messengers for me just to make life a little easier. I really don't know how to keep it up when it's so one sided. I feel like I have nothing to give anymore, and he can't even throw me a bone. I feel like a single parent all the time, I just want him out.

We are currently taking a marriage and family relationship course as instructed by our church leader, I feel like I'm just biding my time though until the baby comes and this relationship ends...

sorry for any redundancies, I copy and pasted a couple parts from other conversations I've had.


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You sound exactly as I did the first 10 years of our marriage. Now we're going on 20! and my H is moving out a second time. So who needs advice from me right ;p The main thing I got from your post was your focus on his shortcomings. I have learned to take real ownership for my part in helping to kill what love we had. I focused on the things H couldn't measure up to. I now see I didn't allow love and respect to grow either. We were both ill-equipped to marry happily, to say the least. You can hold onto that resentment and blame and disappointment for years but I am living proof it does nothing but add pain. Offer to him that you have had a part in your disconnection (as hard as it may be to believe;) and vow to start creating the marriage you both can be proud of. Work on the questionnaires together. And repeat to yourself, do I want this to work or do I want to be right. Take care and congrats on your pregnancy, I never could get pg and look up to you women, particularly the bedridden. I guess just because it's all so unreal to me.

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Hi TheQ, welcome to Marriage Builders. The problem is that you and your H have fallen out of love. You are both extremely disrespectful to each other and it is destroying your marriage.

This program can turn that around if you use it. I don't know of any other marriage program that actually succeeds in restoring the romantic love in marriage. But, he is not likely to be interested if you present this program as a way to change HIM. I would read up and sell it by showing him how it will benefit him.

Check this out: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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p.s. I would hit the notify button and ask the mods to move this thread to the MB101 forum. You are not getting divorced.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Welcome to MB, sorry you are here. However, this is the BEST place to be to give you the hope you need. Your marriage is very salvageable.

I am very glad ML (melodylane) noticed your thread .. she is one of the best here and if you follow her advice she will not steer you wrong.

I will add though that I feel your husband may be having an emotional affair if he is glued to his PC. I would do some snooping to see what his activities are on it IE: install a keylogger on his PC while he is at work and have it send you the repots of all his keystrokes and screen shots of what he is looking at etc. At the very least he has an addiction to online gaming and that is unhealthy for a married couple.

Stick around, read some thread and articles and such .. and ask more questions. You will get all the support you need here. If you snoop and find something you dont like? Bring it here for the vets to help you with a plan on what to do about it but DO NOT confront your husband with it yet or tip him off on how your finding out.

MNG

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I have a friend that said his wife wasn't interested in this stuff either so he decided he would just implement and eventually she saw a change in him and wanted to know more.

I thought I would try that too but I feel like it just back fires on me. I try to implement this stuff but H just doesn't see that there is a problem, and now that I think about it, why would he if I'm always meeting his needs and and he has to do is just sit there and be the recipient.

I have a really hard time with the 15hrs time together thing. he grew up in a family that didn't interact so much. Everyone spent their time in their own room and only interacted if someone came to them or someone needed something. I don't want the children picking up on his addiction so we've isolated it to a small room that isn't big enough for 2 people. however in doing so he isolates himself. I spend all my time in the main area of the house so that I am available for him anytime. he comes out for 1/2 - 1hr after the kids go to bed to watch a show together and then he's done. we've tried playing board games and such together in the evening but we either aren't interested in the same games or I'm too out of it that late at night to learn a new game. It also got kind of boring playing the same games over and over and only with each other.
The other problem we've had is that I know one of his needs is physical touch and I can't give it to him. I draw away from him at the slightest touch. he gets too close and I move away. I need to feel connected in other ways before I can open that part of myself up.


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I would go read the article When to Call it Quits here and follow the plan suggested.

Additionally, I would write your husband a love letter telling him about your unhappiness and what it will take to make you happy. Ask him to do those things, especially spending 20+ hours of UA time per week on DATES. Post the letter here and we will give you feedback.

Sending the letter is much better than discussing it with him because there is no chance for a fight. In the meantime, i would prepare for a separation.

And I would strongly suggest you read the book Lovebusters. I think you will be surprise to see that many of your behaviors on that list.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I know exactly what he does on the PC. A few years ago we lived in a 2 bdrm apartment and the PC was in the living room. I pointed out that I thought this was an addiction and he laughed at me so I asked him to prove to me that it wasn't. I asked him to stop gaming for 1 month. If at the end of each week he was "jonesing" then he could take 2 hrs on Saturday if he had to. well, he took that 2 hrs every single week and tried to negotiate and manipulate his way into more time. So at the end of the month all he had done was prove to me that he actually was addicted. Trying to get help for that though is almost laughable. It's only now starting to be recognized as actual addiction that is tearing families apart.

I figure I can't control him but I can control the children and guide them through healthy gaming habits as they discover it. They are not allowed near the gaming systems in our house. We talked to his mom one night(having gone through 2 marriages that fell apart due to addiction) I thought she'd understand. we went to play card one night after dinner and she stopped and said oh I guess we better not do that, he has a gaming addiction. I replied that it was to online type games. she said "oh, so he can only play the games that you say he can play with!" I knew I would find no support there.

I talked to my aunt and uncle one night about it, I figured that if I was having a problem with something them it was my problem and I had to find a solution or figure out how to fix it. This one night I couldn't find a solution and I couldn't bring myself to go home. finally my aunt and uncle said they've seen this as a rising problem among my generation, and knew of 5 other couples on the verge of divorce because of it. they pointed out that this was not my problem to fix, it was his. I was not willing to let anything interfere with my marriage so I came home with an ultimatum... either he gets it under control or I would turn this house into a military home(like I grew up with) and every moment would become regimented, allotted, and accounted for.

things got better for a while but I feel like it's always one step forward and 2 steps back.

since he has his his own little cubby now though it's like he feels he can do whatever he wants to do and he's not in the way of anything I want to do in the house.

He takes one night every week to go out with his friends to go and game together but I can't take time for myself unless he gives it to me and never does. He says I can go and do whatever I want too(as long as he doesn't have to be responsible for the children). I can do whatever I want as long as it doesn't inconvenience him in any way.


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Originally Posted by The_Q
. So at the end of the month all he had done was prove to me that he actually was addicted. Trying to get help for that though is almost laughable. It's only now starting to be recognized as actual addiction that is tearing families apart.

The solution is to get rid of the computer. If there is no computer there, he can't feed his addiction. I would make that a condition in your letter that he NEVER be on the computer. As long as he is emotionally invested in computer games, he can't be invested in his marriage.

Quote
He takes one night every week to go out with his friends to go and game together but I can't take time for myself unless he gives it to me and never does. He says I can go and do whatever I want too(as long as he doesn't have to be responsible for the children). I can do whatever I want as long as it doesn't inconvenience him in any way.

This is valuable time that is being wasted on activities that don't benefit your marriage. This is time that could be better spent with you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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I completely agree!


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Definitely take back the cubby. He would not be able to retreat off away from the family if the computer was in the middle of the living room. I know a couple who are both big gamers. Their set-up is two computers facing each other on the same desk, in the middle of their living room. They play together.

Trying to shield the children from gaming by creating that separate space has aided in the removal of their father from the family.

So, rearrange the house. smile

I agree with Mel about just getting rid of the computer, though, too. You wouldn't stock the bar if your husband was an alcoholic and just say, uh-uh, you can't touch it!

His one night a week out needs to cease until you are getting 20 hours of UA time a week AND it gets your enthusiastic agreement to resume.

If he intends to stay married, you need to enforce this kind of stuff as explained in the Quits newsletter.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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I read the article you suggested...
I will have to think about how to put a letter together.
I'm not sure though, if I am already involved in another relationship course should I finish that and let it fail before starting this? that would give a clear outline/timeline for what factors work and which ones don't.

I had thought I had given this MB a try and wasn't working so I was going to give this other course a try and it was the last straw for me. at the end of it if there wasn't any improvement or change then I was done, but this friend pointed me to this forum and said ppl here could guide me better than what he or what I had tried on my own. so I'm willing to do/try anything, I don't want to see it end I want to see it get better.


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Originally Posted by The_Q
I'm not sure though, if I am already involved in another relationship course should I finish that and let it fail before starting this? that would give a clear outline/timeline for what factors work and which ones don't.

Why don't you try what is the most likely to achieve success and that is MB? Other marriage programs don't even "work" if used as instructed because they do nothing to restore the romantic love. If you waste your one shot on a program that doesn't work, then your H is much less likely to ever try again.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by The_Q
so I'm willing to do/try anything, I don't want to see it end I want to see it get better.

Perfect! .. its not going to be an overnight fix either, it will take a while. This is a marathon and not a sprint.

I suggest you do as the vets have suggested with the love letter and post it here before you give it to your hubby. They can help you arrange it so it wont get defensive and so its not got any disrespectful judgements.

Keep posting and keep asking questions. All the while keep reading and arming yourself with the info available here.

MNG

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I have thought about throwing out the computer but then I worry about being controlling. I feel like he pushes me into the roll of being his mother but I don't think that's an appropriate way for a couple to treat each other and wont do anything but breed resentment.

as for the allotted time before I kick him out... that will change as new ideas/solutions are tested or tried. this other course ends the end of Feb. so far it has focused on what each other brings to the relationship and how children behave when they see parents show affection for each other.

it might take me a few days to come up with a letter, I don't have a lot of time to read. even the time I have spent this morning on this forum is more than I'm comfortable with but I will try.


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Originally Posted by The_Q
. so far it has focused on what each other brings to the relationship and how children behave when they see parents show affection for each other.
\
Unless it focuses on changing the destructive behaviors in your marriage and restoring the romantic love, you will be spinning wheels. Your basic problem is that your H is addicted to the computer and as such, your marriage has been neglected.

There is a very straight line to full recovery: eliminate the computer addiction, eliminate lovebusters and restore romantic love by spending 20+ hours of undivided attention meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

Anything other than that is a distraction from the solution.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Q, you need to speak up and tell him what a problem this computer is. Tell him you are not okay with the amount of time he is spending on the computer and the circumstances under which he does it. And then stick to that, every day: keep this problem on the front burner until it is solved.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by The_Q
. so far it has focused on what each other brings to the relationship and how children behave when they see parents show affection for each other.
\
Unless it focuses on changing the destructive behaviors in your marriage and restoring the romantic love, you will be spinning wheels. Your basic problem is that your H is addicted to the computer and as such, your marriage has been neglected.

There is a very straight line to full recovery: eliminate the computer addiction, eliminate lovebusters and restore romantic love by spending 20+ hours of undivided attention meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

Anything other than that is a distraction from the solution.

Quoted for truth!

But I must mention also that for a while when the computer is removed there will be a time period of withdrawl from the PC. Just like any addiction, its not an overnight fix.

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"So far it has focused on what each other brings to the relationship"

...is psych-speak for blowing smoke up your butt and putting on rose-colored glasses. Lipstick on pigs, so to speak.

MB is a behavioral program, and if people follow the guidelines for behavior (which is all they can control, btw), then feelings of being in a romantic relationship follow, just like they do in action-oriented courting situations. Did you fall in love with and marry your husband while he ignored you?


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
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Originally Posted by markos
Q, you need to speak up and tell him what a problem this computer is. Tell him you are not okay with the amount of time he is spending on the computer and the circumstances under which he does it. And then stick to that, every day: keep this problem on the front burner until it is solved.

Just wanted to add that it must be said in a way that doesnt make him feel defensive. No disrespectful judgments, or angry outbursts or demands. State it as pleasantly as possible. But state it often.

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